This is extremely long, WAY longer than I intended, and rambley. But this is my State of the Union for lack of a better term. I'm lonely, scared, depressed, and at the moment in pain. I don't know if I'll ever get out of this pit that my own actions (choices and/or negligence) has landed me in. I'm lost, confused, and hopeless. I woke up this morning after too little sleep (even for me), and way too much pain in my jaw. I knew that without pain killers, I couldn't make it thru the work day with how long it is including transit time. But instead of my mom being concerned with the fact that I'm in so much pain that I'm willing to cut my income in half this week; she's been yelling at me all morning!! That I "need to suck it up" and "do what you need to do". That my boss is going to fire me. My boss did ask me to try and come in, and that I could help with freight; but it's 1.5 hours just to get to work. I'm sure I wouldn't be able to make it the whole day. Mom then was throwing at me that I wasn't going to let my mouth get as bad as my best friends. No shit! She doesn't seem to realize that her mouth wasn't like that out of negligence, but a genetic calcium deficiency. And then mom started in about I should have gotten my teeth done before I lost her insurance 2 years ago, especially when she was paying for it. Excuse Me?!? I most certainly DID get procedures done, and I DID pay for them ALL!! It's those filling I had done then that have popped and left holes in my mouth. I'm so close to just crying out of hopelessness right now; but I know it won't do me any good, and I'll just get a headache. I'm working 2 jobs, technically. I haven't gotten hours at the movie theater in 5 weeks now. And it looks like Valentines Day will be my next shot at a shift. I only get 2 shifts, for a total of 10 hours at the airport. I have bill collectors calling from 7am to 9pm everyday. I can barely afford my rent, which is admittedly a LOT lower than some people. All I have to do is pay the family cell phone bill. Yes, I did go to Wizard World Portland last weekend. As A Gift!!! A vendor I work for bought me the pass. Bought me George Perez's sketch. Bought me a photo op with Ron Perlman. I didn't pay for anything. I was also working during the con and might have secured some high profile work for my vendor. Yes, I AM going to Emerald in March. Again, I'm going As A Gift!!! I had to use my con money to pay the phone bill, and one of my dearest friends bought me a weekend pass because she cares about me and wanted to see me at least once this year. My vendor will also be there. If I get any autographs or photo ops; it'll be because he bought them! I make him thousands if dollars at a con, this is how he says thank you!! I will also still be networking for him at this con. It was suggested to me recently that I should save up for a plane ticket, pack a bag of everything I can't live without, and go stay with the friend that lives farthest away and start over. Like I won't still be in debt in another country? Like my credit rating will magically improve across state lines? But oh how I wish I could. I feel like a complete and utter failure in every aspect of my life. There are some days I have to set my alarm a little early just so I have time to convince myself of WHY I need to get out of bed. I have absolutely no hope for a brighter future. I am in so much debt, that I can't afford to file bankruptcy. I still live at home because I've never made enough money to live on my own, or with a roommate; even when I had a forty hour a week job. Not that I had any friends I could have roommated with back then either. I have been asked quite a bit lately if I'm seeing anyone. No, I'm not. I haven't been on a date in almost 9 years. My 2 most recent exes are both happily married with kids. I realized years ago that I have very little to offer someone as a romantic partner. I'm not attractive. I try not to be pessimistic but as you can see from how long this post is that I'm failing that one. I am an EXTREMELY picky eater, to the point that on occasion I have opted to just not eat rather than eat food I don't like. I'm a good cook, but have a limited recipe book. I have interests that are a little out there for a woman apparently. And I have a weird obsession with religions. Hell, I accepted back in my teens that I'd end up a cat lady. The rest of that part of the rant is probably TMI; but if you really want to know, drop me an ask or an email ([email protected]) and I'll answer. I have nothing to hide. To make that situation more of a stab in my considerable gut, I did meet someone recently. He said he thought I was attractive. That I wasn't giving myself enough credit in that regard either. That he thought I was smart, funny, interesting. We have loads of things in common; from taste in books, movies, games, even political ideals. He was a preachers son, but doesn't agree blindly that his upbringing was the "right" one and we've talked for hours about religion. Seeing as I'm polytheist this was a major turn on. He's attractive, charming, and I really enjoy spending time with him... I'm invited to his wedding in March. Last year, I was BLESSED with the opportunity to go to San Diego Comic Con. Rae, I love you dearly. I can never put into words what that week meant to me. Not only as a Bucket List Moment, not only for being able to make it to Geek Mecca, not only for having the opportunities to meet the celebrities I did encounter; but for showing me that people still care. You have never ceased to bring me to tears (I am right now as I write this) with your kindness since day one. I don't think I'll ever be able to express to you exactly how much your friendship means to me. But it seems like every time something good happens, many more horrible things follow it. The day I was told about getting to go to SDCC, just 15 minutes after in fact, I got the call my uncle had died. Admittedly it wasn't a surprise as he had had aggressive stomach cancer, but he was the one member of my family that would have understood why SDCC was so special. He was also the only member of my extended family, on both sides, that seemed to give a damn about me. My grandmother, who I'd been a care giver for, passed away in October. At the time of her death, I could no longer see her as my Grandma, and not just a patient. I can no longer remember most of my childhood with her, only her willful belligerence and disrespect. Being referred to as The Help and her acting out. But she needed me, and so I did my job. But the closer it got to the end, I kept hoping she'd hang on just a bit longer so I could try and get some of my bills paid. I needed her to live, so I could survive. I feel like a horrible person for thinking this way, and now 3 months later that feeling hasn't lessened at all. I feel lost. I'm so overwhelmed that I feel like I'm drowning. It hurts, and I don't know how to make it stop. In the hour it's taken me to write this, I've gotten 8 calls from various bill collectors.
