dildarium replied to your post “dildarium replied to your post:dildarium replied to your post:we...”
But bro, it's a casino heist quest with a rag tag team of a disassociative identity disorder mutant, a ghoulified old world crooner, and a hell-bent brotherhood of steel lady scribe. /Bro/.
Descent Into Thilbo Hell Chatlogs: Part the Second
In which thorin is first blinded by the dokis and is really upset about this and there are a lot of legit shipping feels discussed, weddings are had, Thorin and Thranduil are Huge Brats, and Thorin is actually the biggest perv and bilbo cannot even bELIEVE...
L: The other dwarves think this is just the funniest shit
W: Exactly that
L: Thorin’s always hanging around bilbo gruffly asking about the shire or his life or if there’s like anyone in particular he misses JUST CURIOUS
L: he brushes it off with ITS NICE HEARING FOLK TALK ABOUT THEIR HOME and the smiling look bilbo gives him while going “Well by the end of this you’ll have stories of home to tell” nearly destroys him
W: oh my g o d
L: Thorin stares at him with one of his adoring looks and bilbo doesnt think of it but to the dwarves thorin looks like some worshipping puppy
L: Bilbo starts asking him to talk about erebor before smaug
L: And of dale and his family and everything he grew up with
L: “And what of Erebor? Any stories there?”
“It lies in fire and ruin.”
“Yeah I know that you idiot, it’s why Gandalf dragged me out here. I’m pretty familiar with the fire and death part but what about before all that? Before the madness and burning?”
L: Thorin stares at him so long bilbo starts apologizing
L: And right as bilbo is like “ah im sorry, that’s not my-”
“My siblings and I...we would always try to sneak into the mines to watch them work.”
W: In reality thorin is just shocked cause NO ONE has ever cared or asked about it before its ruin
L: And he starts talking
L: yeessssssss
L: Bilbo wants to know all about and and finally thorin sounds a little broken and not angry at all when he asks “Why do you care so much? You’ve never been there. You knew nothing of it before you signed that contract.”
L: And Bilbo’s just like “I didn’t care much about rescuing a bunch of gold, but like I said, you don’t have a home. And I think any home is something worth going on this daft journey for.”
L: Thorin has to go he canNOT
W: He’s had so much cruelty and indifference by turns that he can’t bear this little hobbit with a heart bigger than all those he’s dealt with combined
W: Someone who cares about the names of his family and the stupid memories
L: He doesn’t know how bilbo exists he is such a soft, kind and caring thing who honestly cares about getting their home back just because it’s a home
L: And ran screaming at Azog the goddamn Defiler without a bit of fighting experience behind him
W: Someone who talks about someday making a grave for those who were left in erebor
L: omg
W: Somebody who asks what his favorite foods were so he can try and recreate them
L: Like he watched this actually fainting little timid man come into his own and start snapping back at the dwarves and telling thorin when he thinks he’s being an idiot
L: The only people who ever called thoring out before were Gandalf and Dwalin
W: But bilbo remains so softhearted
L: Thorin is constantly amazed at this thing who can be soft and sweet and bighearted and also fearless and fierce and cunning like how does that even happen
W: Perfect husband
L: He’s finally fully called out when he’s like “I dont understand dwalin he has no reason to be here no reason to care of erebor he barely understands the value of gold and he tried to fight for me when he never held a damn sword in his life how can he be all of that?”
L: Dwalins just like “By my beard you’re in for it bad”
L: Thorin tries being all IDK WHAT UR TALKING ABOUT but dwalin aint having it
W: Nah son ur practically throwing roses
L: “You look at him like he’s an undiscovered seam of gold, lad”
L: Thorins like….SH I T
W: Eventually puffs up like WELL HE IS
L: And he’s just mad bc THE HALF LIN G
L: and he IS AWESOME aw fuck fuck I fucked up bUT HE’S WORTH IT oh fuck godDAMNIT
W: Bilbo continues to be cute and sassy and it’s ruining his life
L: Every time bilbo snarks at him or says something sweet it’s the best and worst thing
L: And whenever bilbo asks about erebor thorin wants to start talking about all the ways he could make it a home for bilbo
W: Aha
L: All You dont need to go back to that home and those folk who are so far below you you don’t need to go back to pretending you’re small and meek again you’re not them
W: as;ldfkj yes
L: But he can’t bring himself to ask it when bilbo talks of the shire the way he talks of erebor
W: Exactly
L: But he gets SO MAD bc he knows bilbo isn’t the fainting man who wouldn’t let himself be this amazing bilbo
L: And he gets so pissed imagining bilbo trying to be that bC NO YOURE SO MUCH MORE YOURE AMAZING
W: But when he’s in the hobbit settlement, he understands a bit, because hobbit holes are great
L: Like omg so cozy
W: Not majestic like Erebor, but home
L: He lets bilbo decorate their room exactly like a hobbit hole
L: Like their room is basically a hobbit hole recreation with a few dwarvish trinkets
W: Yes
L: And he bought elvish soil from Thranduil to set up a space outside so bilbo has a garden
L: That was his wedding present to bilbo he swallowed enough pride to pay Thranduil for something
W: Omg thorin striking a deal with thranduil
W: he doesnt even ask for much, probably, maybe just a coin or something
W: It’s a symbol
W: He has a niche carved into his throne to fit it in
L: AHAHAHA JACKASS
L: He would he’s such a shit
W: And emissaries have to inform thorin that his coin is doing very well, and still very shiny
L: G O D
L: Fuckin elves
L: Thranduil thinks the whole dwarf/hobbit thing is fucking hilarious
W: Like, they tell him Thorin has married and thranduil is condescending until they mention it’s to bilbo and thranduil just freezes
W: And they’re actually worried but then he starts laughing so hard it echoes throughout his damn castle
W: He legit loses his shit
W: He probably sends a fancy step ladder or some shit as a wedding present
L: ;lasASDF FU CKIN
L: YES
L He can’t even say anything biting he’s laughing too hard
L: Joke’s on him when his son marries a dwarf
L: Thorin marks that as the second best wedding ever
W: He spends the entire ceremony with a shit eating grin, just laughing at thranduil
W: Internally
L: Thranduil looks sick
W: His eyes are wide and his teeth are permanently grit
L: He’s screaming internally
L: Glaring at thorin bc FIRST THE CAPTAIN OF HIS GUARD AND NOW HIS S O N???
W: “You couldn’t settle for /one/.” he hisses over wine at the reception
L: Thorins just like “I never settle for anything. Can’t wait to see the kids.” and that is when thranduil needs to leave and throw up
L: Bilbo’s whispering “Thorin, legolas can’t bear children…”
W: He spends like an hour just sitting outside with his head in his hands
W: Also thorin goes “nonsense we have a child”
W: and bilbo has already given up trying to explain what adoption is to thorin
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W: Bilbo fed him a bite of cake once and it was probably a mistake
L: OMG
L: IT WAS
L: Huge mistake
L: u hecked up bilbo
L: Thorin wants to be fed and pampered all the time and you know he’s gonna get pda about it
W: Thorin fetishizes everything
L: Congrats bilbo you gave thorin a food kink
L: Which is so confusing like food is it’s own thing to hobbits combining it with sex is WEIRD
W: Bilbo doesn’t want to encourage it but thorin always looks so HAPPY
L: Thorin is a spoiled dog omf g
L: Bilbo has to put a stop to shit when thorin sucks his fingers in front of EVERYONE
L: Thorin the insatiable grumpy dwarf king
W: To be fair, bilbo had some syrup on there and thorin was not missing that opportunity it was too good
L: It was pure intentions bilbo i wanted to help you keep clean
W: He says with a clear boner
W: And a shit eating grin
L: Bilbo cannot beLIEVE this perv he has married
W: Cannot believe
L: what did u expect bilbo he’s an intense obsession prone dude and you gave him something to redirect the lust instinct at
L: congrats u helped with the gold lust now its all u buddy
W: Exactly.
L: Thorin is unreasonable that whole night he knows he got bilbo flustered and he is going in for the kill
L: Bilbo is TRYING TO EAT while thorin is in his space purring dwarvish in his ear
W: It’s so bad, it takes a lot to interrupt a hobbit from eating
L: The dwarves are so entertained
L: But the brothers are in shock because UNCLE
L: UN C LE N O
