I've got a red carnation on my balcony. I bought it in like a hardware and building supplies store, because they sell gardening tools too and also some flowers, I don't know, it makes sense.
Anyways, I bought it on a whim because I saw its deep red colour and I went crazy over it, so I asked my mum, and as she shrugged I just kind of took it with me kind of hugging it through the warehouse (because we had to take another thing).
I looked at it and it seemed a little tight in his tiny vase, but I would have brought it in a bigger vase so everything was cool, I got him covered.
As I later planted it, it had the centre of it yellowish and straw like, but all the rest was green and healthy, so I didn't think about it.
This was like, this spring, and it still gives me flowers and now that the weather is getting colder it's still sprouting, becoming larger and less spikey, you know, being all straight as an uncooked spaghetti, and becoming curly in some way, but still, its centre is still straw like and now also a little grey, but the rest is so green and vivid, I just think that's how it is.
And I couldn't help thinking of how this is such a great metaphor for like, depression and anxiety and all sorts of mental illnesses, you know? Or a haunting past, I mean, my carnation is gorgeous and thriving but despite everything it's still yellow-y and straw like on the inside. I wish I could know its story of how it was before me if something happened to it or if I'm doing something wrong or not enough.
Or if it's just the way it is and all I can do is love it and accept it.