2010s Eurovision: 407-403
407. Mikolas Josef - “Lie to me” Czech Republic 2018
[2018 write-up here]
Good lord what is there even to say about Ickolas that I haven’t mentioned previously? Modern Eurovision loves their glorified sex anthems in various degree of fukboiety and “Lie to me” is by far the worst: The faux-nerdy look, complete with fake glasses, the painful sexual innuendo’s, the monkey faces, the fucking TRUMPETS, the pre-chorus which is a total rip off from Azealia Bank’s “212″ (one of my least favourite non-ESC songs). Ugh, abysmal song!
And of course, as we live in a digital age where teenagers are more prone to engage in cyberbullying, sexting and slutshaming, the last thing we need is a song aimed at said teenagers which not only completely fails at describing how healthy sexual relationships actually work but also actively encourages adolescent men to view women as objects. Trumpet off, Ickolas, your social regression is unneeded and UNWANTED! 👏
406. A Friend in London - “New tomorrow” Denmark 2011
These fucking ASSCLOWNS. Firstly, out of all the people you could choose to emulate, Bono is one of the worst available choices. Secondly, everything I wrote about Boggie applies here as well, but instead of an insipid Rhethotical Questions Hour we have an “upbeat” LovePeace rock ballad that thrives entirely on uninspired nursery rhyming (why do these songs always act as though they’re addressing a bunch of Forest Gumps and not normal, functioning adults? Do they really believe we are incapable of doing good, or even thinking without their interference? I don’t think I want to know the answer, tbh). Other than this, “New tomorrow” does nothing but trivialize and gloss over whatever vague issues it claims to be addressing, making it about as sincere and effective as “Wars for nothing” was.🙃
405. Omar Naber - “On my way” Slovenia 2017
[2017 write up here]
Lol of course everyone had Omar Naber last in 2017 and of course *my* contrarian ass had to rank him second last two years ago, believing that ~somebody else~ (in this case, Brendan) had to be the worst of 2017... Well, guess what, the majority was right after all, "On my way” is irredeemable shyte. 🙃
I don’t think I need to stress that the sappiness of this shameless Disney knock-off (I saw someone describing it as “the ending credits song of An American Tail 5: Fievel goes to Ohio” 😂) + fake tears + rapeface makes for a very uncomfortable experience, right? Good thing Omar hasn’t, you know, commited any actual sexual felony or this would be - *checks notes* oh.🙃
404. Dina Garipova - “What if” Russia 2013
Yes, you may be sensing a recurring theme here! This is basically “wars for nothing” before “wars for nothing” except slightly less offensive (and that’s when taking into account Dina’s pronunciation of the word “bury” which is a war crime in itself) Of course this Genuine Plea For Peace And Healing ended with Russia digging up their arms and annexing the Crimean peninsula less than three weeks after the Grand Finale. 🙃 Only reaching out to those who need them the most, y’all!
403. Leonora - “Love is forever” Denmark 2019
You know what’s more effective than your regular dumbed down Political guidance bs that trivializes actual social issues? Doing the same thing, except in four languages!!! Shockinly enough, "love is forever” isn’t fully cut from the same mind-controlling cloth as its soul siblings “what if?” and “wars for nothing”, as Leonora’s killer mime ass would’ve slithered back to her lair underneath the sewers of Derry, Maine if our universe hadn’t been the ONLY one in existence where she qualifies over Jurijus. (seriously. Three fuck ups caused her qualification. What is this incompetence?)
I suppose there is a possible silver lining in Leonora’s refusal to sing her song in full (including the pre-parties) except for when she absolutely had to , which hints at an underlying, Sandie Shaw-esque disdain for her own song. 😍 If this were proven true, I WILL take back all the mean things I’ve ever said about her and hope someone starts a crowdfunder to pay for her upcoming orthodontistry bill!
