#discover writers

[poetiics]

i linger

i linger

by doors

you won’t even

open

i look

through windows

you don’t even know of

there are a million things

i’ve done

that you wouldn’t do

even after thinking twice

there’s no comparing you

and me

i loved you

you loved, not me

but, that i loved you

it’s unfair to compare

everything i felt

and everything you

wanted to feel

i linger

in hallways

you won’t even

walk in

i’ve looked back

twice, thrice

i memorize the

sound of your footsteps

whenever you’re walking away

such tender flesh you buried your

dagger in

now, i ask

did you purposefully

try to miss

my heart?

[wordsrkive]

i’m standing on the terrace with my face oily and hair disheveled because i haven’t washed them in weeks. it is the peak of summer and the sun is glaring down at me, like a challenge, and i glare back because i want the sun to scorch me. i want it to burn my to ashes. you come out and yell at me and drag me back inside. somewhere between screaming at me in rage and worry you ask me if i want to die and i nod, though you don't see that – or maybe you don’t care to see that. i’m not sure what the difference is anymore. 

sometimes i catch you staring at me as if you don't understand me. you tell me that you don’t recognize the person sitting in front of you. and i don’t know how to tell you that sometimes i stare into the mirror with the same look. i don’t know how to tell you that one day i started imagining the ways i could die and i haven’t stopped since. i think somewhere along the way those thoughts turned into fantasies and it should be scary, but i find my self waiting for the day it finally happens. i don’t know how to tell you that i want to tear my eyes out. skin myself to the bone and crush the bones beneath my fingers to see how fragile they are. i want to pull my heart out of the chest and take a look at the tag it came with. i think i need to go back to the shop and replace it. i think they gave me a defected piece. i don’t think they’re supposed to break so easily. i imagine pulling at my nail scabs like a zipper, opening my body up from my left thumb to my right toenail and stepping out of my body. i don’t know what exactly will come out but i think ill finally be free, then. i’ve spent my whole life feeling trapped in a body that isn’t mine. maybe that’s why everywhere i go i feel out of place. i think there is rot within my very foundation. maybe that’s why i ruin everything that gets close to me. 

i don’t know how to tell you a lot of things. so i don’t. i don’t say anything and instead smile because that’s what you expect from me anyway. a smiling doll that sits pretty on your shelf. i please you when you ask me to and hug you when you need me to but you never think what i need so i don’t say anything. i smile and smile and smile and there are cracks forming around my cheeks, don’t you see? am i not hurting loud enough for you to even spare me a glance?

[melancholydew]

[ 22 . 4 . 2019 , 2007 ]

sitting with my guitar cradled in my lap , the once - familiar feeling of its curves and edges i had aligned myself to feels heartbreakingly alien. as i strummed softly i felt the metallic scent of the strings hit me like a pang of nostalgia, i realised the dents in my fingers hurt more than they had in a long time, like they'd never known the touch and bite of a string before. the notes came out distorted and i cursed myself for giving up on something that could've made me happy, could've offered me a safe haven. i realised it's not the first thing i let go of. and now i'm just sitting with my barren heart spilling on the sheet music, hurting with the loss of all the things i let go of that could've been special.

[melpomeneo]

She's faced raging seas and howling winds far too often that the only thing she's known is to be brave through the storm. But now that the winds are no more, the waves singing a gentle lullaby–faced with a tranquility that had evaded her for most of her life, she's afraid to drown in this mirage of safety and calm.

stormheart, braveheart || c.r.c

[poetiics]

shame in the morning, devotion in the dark

I would never tell you this,

even if you had begged me

to tell you the truth.

To tell you what’s killing me.

I would fantasize about you and me; 

in the dark, telling each other things

we never could in the daylight. 

You’d tell me you love me

and that you’re sorry it took you

this long.

I’d tell you it was okay

because I never thought 

I could have you,

anyway. 

You would make a guttural sound,

and lean in to kiss me.

You wouldn’t miss, even in the dark,

because I know you’ve been waiting, 

too. 

I wouldn’t hesitate to kiss you back

but I would hesitate to fall asleep

because it means the sun is coming,

and we’d have to face the daylight again.

Is this what all this is?

Shame in the morning, 

devotion in the dark

Is this all that this is?

[poetiics]

headlights

it was before I even had you

that I knew I was going to lose you

I can see the headlights,

I saw your bags packed by the door–

half-opened, and your car engine running.

I saw the unfinished note you left on the table,

and how your handwriting didn’t make sense

by the end of it.

I saw most of your shoes

in the trunk of your car.

you were slowly erasing yourself

in this home I built,

and the house you stay at

because to you, our home

is just a house.

but to me, this house

is the only home I’ll ever know

I was going to lose you

despite, inspite, and all throughout

this was an inevitability

that has awaited me

for years.

I saw the headlights,

and I can hear the soft

humming of your engine

as you slowly drive away.

[poetiics]

they say our love was built on loneliness

they say our love was built on loneliness

and that if we were placed in a dark room,

we’d end up with bloodied fists and broken jaws.

they think i’d kill you the first chance i got

but do they know about the things i’ve told you

in our dark room? 

there were times i was convinced that

you were merely a figment of my imagination

because of how much i loved you. 

there were nights i felt my tongue go numb

and my knees shake

from how much i prayed you were real

let this be real, let her be real, never take this away

do they know that if they placed us in a dark room

and gave us silver daggers in our back pockets

i would know where to find your heart

even in the dark?

do they know that your life would be under my mercy

but i would choose to trace your lips

against my calloused finger

and hear your heart beat to the sound of my want

there were moments i felt all i had was you

and there were times i was right.

yet they would place bets

on when you would find another

and on when i would get sick enough 

to fuck everything up

but do you know

that if i were given a choice between loving you

or feeling the sting of the blade one last time

without hesitation, i would offer you

the silver dagger in my backpocket

and forget about the metallic taste in my mouth

we’ve fought tooth and nail against loneliness

more than bloodied fists, more than trembling teeth

and they say our love was built on loneliness