Not the last goodbye...
09:25 07.08.2019
Summary: I’m tired of goodbyes
Word Count:1,753
Dear you,
I thought I had a million words to say to you that I would want to pour into a letter, but now that I am actually writing another letter, I am drawing a blank. All the words seem to disappear as I realize that you will probably never see this and somehow it makes this pointless. I have written so many letters to you. Ones telling you I miss you, ones confessing my feelings for you, others trying to deal with the overwhelming emotions of becoming so distant. You have become a familiar stranger. We are as close as strangers. You’re polite. I’ll give you that, but I do notice the way you wish you didn’t have to sit with me or the obvious way you try to avoid being around me. I wish I was less observant when it comes to you. Maybe I wouldn’t be as hurt.
If I was actually sending you this letter, I would be terrified. I would wish I could give it to you or send this letter to your apartment and then run away. I would avoid you more than I did sophomore year and you would really see my skills in avoiding people. Too bad you’ll never actually see this letter. In therapy, I was taught that writing letters, but never sending them was a good coping mechanism. It was good because you felt like you said everything you could to that person and move on. Somehow I know that this is just another goodbye letter, Jesus will take the wheel letter, wish we were still close letter. When will I stop writing letters to you? I always say goodbye in various forms and yet… here I am again writing you another letter. They say that if a writer falls in love with you, you will never die.
I’ve thought about writing this specific letter so many times, but I never got around to it because I thought I was okay. I thought that I was done saying goodbye. But the truth is… I won’t be done saying goodbye until God tells me to. Which sounds crazy to unbelievers, I get it, but I need to hold this with open hands. Trusting in God and still praising Him even when he doesn’t answer right away. His time is the best time and I cannot grow impatient and act rashly. Dealing with my everflowing feelings will be a battle. I will write a million of letters if it means it helps me deal with these feelings in a healthier manner.
Because I’m not okay. It’s still painful and maybe not as painful as it was avoiding you after the sophomore year started, but it still hurts me that you are now so close to other people. I think that says something about me wanting your attention, but it also means that it’s because I’m reminded that I’m no longer close to you. Thinking back, last summer we still talked a decent amount and you came over to my apartment when all my roommates were gone with other people. Now, I don’t think you’d come over like that. I remember you offered to pick my sister and me up from the bus stop. I don’t think I would feel comfortable asking you that anymore. I thought we were still somewhat close because you asked me to do that test and then you sent me a piece of writing to look over. But now, it seems like you’re avoiding me. You are polite, but I know that’s because your nice.
Right now, even though I would never send this letter to you, I wish I could send this letter and maybe it would fix things. The sad reality is that hell will break loose. You would know my true feelings and thoughts without a filter and without physical and tonal cues. It would just be a piece of paper with words that you probably wouldn’t care about. I guess I say that because I don’t want to give myself hope. Hope is something I’ve been telling myself not to have because it makes the disappointment and heartbreak more painful. I’ve been trying to protect myself from the worst case scenario. I see things and I start to imagine what they mean. I hyperbole everything and seeing you so close with others is just a painful reminder. The stark contrast makes the already big distance longer.
In your eyes, did it look like I was just another person who you used to be close to? One that walked away willingly? Did I hurt you? Are you cautious and feel negatively towards me? Or do you just not care. I was just a freshman with a lot of feelings and you felt sorry for me. I was just someone that was there and you felt like you had to take care of a little sister. I wonder what goes through your mind. Is it full of thoughts or none at all? I think most of my thoughts are bittersweet. There are things I wish I could say, but then I remember that we are no longer close anymore. I remember that we aren’t close anymore when there is something I want to say to you, but don’t know if I should say it, when I see you with Sarang and it reminds me of how that used to be me, when I want to tag you in something, but I stop myself… We barely even talk anymore. Sometimes I scroll through the messages on Facebook and wonder if you are just replying because you don’t want to leave anyone of read. Is it pitty? Do you know that I like you and it’s thoughts of “poor Jennifer”?
Sometimes I wish that God would give me a blatant answer. If you started liking someone else and started to date her, one of my friends tells me that they heard something, someone tells me that you like someone else. I wish for the heartbreak sooner than later. I feel like it’s inevitable and I keep telling myself this because maybe it would be easier. I wish I believed it. Because for some reason I still have a spark of hope that this is just a big misunderstanding and you like me. Too bad that it’s probably not true and I’m just holding on because no one has told me a straight-forward answer. This is me being impatient with God’s plan. I know it is. It’s my human instinct to want to avoid heartbreak and if I feel that it is inevitable then I want it sooner than later.
Do you know how it feels to see you with Sarang? The way I see you two doesn’t remind me of a brother and sister. She might not see you that way, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have feelings for her. That means even if you had feelings for me last year, it wasn’t true feelings. I see you smile at her when you wish you could avoid me. The way you pretend to beat each other up and make faces at each other. I see the way you care for her and yeah… I’m envious. It’s a reminder that I am not close to you anymore. I am no longer important. I should be okay with that. This is fine. You're close because you helped her through things. Did you know you helped me through freshman year?
If you end up dating, I’ll be happy for you. That means God meant for you to be together and I can’t say if you’ll stay together (because God only knows that), but I hope you do. You seem happier and I don’t know how to let go and have closure any other way. God is using this to give up control I so desperately want. I want and I wish you could just reject me or God tells me that you are not the one. But I need open hands. I need to give up this sense of control of the situation and be patient. I need to wait even if it ends up being you never had feelings and you see me as a sister.
I wonder if things will ever be better or if this heartbreak will be another lesson. I used to have ill feelings towards the girls who have been getting to know you better. I realize how silly I was and now I just try to turn away and not tempt myself with feelings of envy. I try to look away and pretend I never saw anything.
I realize that a lot of people saw us and thought something was going on freshmen year. Many people thought we were a thing? I thought it was one-sided. Oh well. If God wants us to be together, then we will right? I need to trust in God more. I keep telling myself that it was one-sided so I don’t get tempted and I don’t get hope. When will this be over? God, when will you answer this prayer of mine?
God is teaching me so much through this crush, through these feelings. I have learned how not to be emotionally dependent on someone. I learned about relationships in general. I learned that boundaries are good. I learned how to have God at the center of a relationship. I have gotten wiser and more reserved in my two years of college. I have learned how to deal with my feelings in a good way. I have and will continue to face jealousy and the comparison game every day. I tend to overthink. I see my flaws. I am learning to be okay with waiting and giving it to God. I need to give up this control on my life.
This won’t be the last letter. I keep writing them like I will finally be over it and fine after I write down everything I think I need to say. The truth is that I am struggling. I am struggling with this and I don’t exactly know how to deal with it. I know I need to trust God, give Him control, read my bible and try not to get consumed with my thoughts. I keep talking about this situation and I think I need to stop overtalking, overthinking, and just, in general, doing what makes my heart tempted to take action. So, this won’t be the last goodbye...But-
Goodbye.