Summary: Fictional piece based on real feelings from many scared relationships.
Golden rays of sunlight streamed in through the large bay window in the bedroom warming her skin. Her mind, lost in between two worlds: dreams and reality. The grey area that was so comfortable led to confusion of which world she was in most of the time. She felt her mind pull her back into her dream, but suddenly the warmth of entangled limbs was gone. Tears began to swell behind her eyelids and pooled, threatening to spill. She usually never hated her soft nature, but at this moment she wanted to swallow her tears, but couldn’t. She slowly opened her eyes and was greeted by the familiar pale skin and tall frame, but this morning he was harshly pulling himself out of her grasp. The movements startled her and she laid in bed frozen, too scared to protest. Her limbs instinctively curled her body into a ball. The sheets were getting colder by the second and she pushed through the jungle of emotions and insecurities waiting to hear his voice, rough with sleep, apologize, but all she got was stiff silence. Her eyes followed his figure as he walks into the closet. He doesn’t even say good morning. The break in routine makes her feel uneasy and she tries not to let her sensitivity overwhelm her mind. She waits, still hopeful he will come back and say something, anything. She wants him to come back to bed, let her entangle her limbs with his and- “Shit.”
The break in silence makes the word hang heavily in the air. Her body stiffens and she slowly pulls herself out from under the covers and up into a sitting position. She casually throws a glance at the clock and realizes that he’s late for work. She still wants him to kiss her tears away. She wants him to come back to bed and tell her he loves her and he will be back later tonight, but as the seconds' tick by, the dread and truth in her heart tells her that he will not console her this morning. Her eyes flicker to his figure as he emerges from the closet dressed for work and practically sprints to the bathroom. The quick glimpse of his face tells her that he is focused and frustrated. It seems like he doesn't even notice her presence. More silly insecurities build up behind her eyes and now they are streaking down her face. She hates that her emotions are always so easy to tell, but she can only push them down so much.
Trying to take deep breaths, she tries to settle her shaking hands. The bed is completely cool and she feels the loneliness in her heart. The ache for another and she hates that she was so dependent on this man. Within minutes he leaves the bedroom and she can hear the echo of the sharp clicks of his dress shoes on the wooden floor of the penthouse get softer and softer until the front door opens and slams. He’s gone.
After a couple seconds of silence, she knows her heart and mind were finally on the same page. Her body trembles as she lowers her back flush to the mattress and tries to go back to a state that is not aware of this lost feeling. As she closes her eyes once again she notices that her irrational thoughts keep stabbing her injuring her heart. Hardly swallowing her tears in the back of her throat, she gets up.
As she continues throughout her mundane morning consisting of getting ready for class, she fights to keep the sea of thoughts that are threatening to consume her. She wonders if she should bring it up with him when he gets home from work, but she can’t help but think that it would ruin a potentially pleasant evening. Besides, this conversation always ends with an argument and she would cry. He hated when she cried and when he was especially angry he would call her a crybaby. That would lead her to lock herself in the guest bedroom and sometimes he would pound on the door telling her he was sorry. Sometimes it would end with him going out to hang out with his friends and she would be left in a puddle of tears. In the end, whether he apologized or not, she would forgive him. She loves him too much to let him go. Some of his friends claimed it was because she was a gold digger and as much as she tried to ease their minds by refusing gifts and fancy dinners, it never satisfied them.
In the beginning, she kept her head tall and refused to contemplate about what his “friends” thought of their relationship. Confidence was never truly her strong suit, but after the years of friends and family building her up, she followed a path of remaining confident. She was tired of how soft she was to everyone and while she knew it was important to process emotions, she couldn’t help, but try to suppress some of the negative thoughts. As the months went by through their relationship, her confident exterior couldn’t stay up for him. The tears freely flowed when he asked her what was wrong. She remembered the days where he would fight the insecurities with her. He stood up for her and whispered sweet nothings into her ear. He would try to make her favorite food when she was down and they would watch sickeningly sweet romantic comedies together. Back then, she had no knowledge that he was the son of a CEO and he was just the genius boy she met at her favorite cafe. They were two regulars that needed their daily caffeine fix. Now she was finishing up school and he was on his way to running a billion dollar company. She knew he had long hours and had to travel often, but that doesn’t excuse periods of coldness. She felt like a one night stand that had overstayed their welcome. He was the one to start things and she even refused the first couple of times he had asked her out because she was scared. He always came back telling her that he would treat her like well and he never gave up. He memorized her order at the cafe and was so intentional with the time he spent with her. So, she finally said yes and the honeymoon phase was not long, but they worked through it.
As she finished getting ready she contemplated texting him. There had been many occasions where he would complain that it would disrupt work so she decided to just leave it be. He would be back this evening and things would be fine.
Today’s classes seem to drone on and on and her mind goes back to this morning. It is a pointless endeavor to try to console herself with sugar-coated words, but she tries anyways in hopes of some way to shake this pathetic feeling she has let consume her mind. She checks her phone in hopes of a missed call and a text message with an apology of the rushed morning, but all she is greeted with are pointless notifications. The pretty faces she sees in the crowd today make her feel nauseous. Does he still love me? As soon as her train of thought goes to the possibility of another, the water behind her eyes grow into seas and then into oceans. She chokes back the water. It seems silly to jump to conclusions and rationally, she knows she’s being ridiculous. The constant lonely nights and meals alone always lead to this thought. She wondered if he really had to spend so much time at the company and she wonders why she doesn’t trust him more. Their relationship has definitely changed in the almost two years that they have been dating. There are nights where he subconsciously wraps her in his arms, but there are others where she feels like a stranger in their bed. Have his feelings changed? He doesn’t seem to have even a fraction of the passion for her anymore. She tries to push down those feelings and thoughts as she continues home.
As soon as she sees the familiar stone building, she races into the elevator hoping to see something in their apartment indicating that he was home early, but as she steps inside, she is greeted by normalcy. She quickly texts him when he will be home for dinner. She sets down her phone and wonders when he will respond. She carries on with her plans and goes over the ingredient list to make sure everything is there before she starts making dinner. She prays that he will be on time today.
Dinner time rolls around and there is still no sign of him. She smooths down her dress more times than she could count. Seconds turn into minutes and minutes turn into hours. Realizing the waste of the meal she packs everything up. As she puts away the unused dishes she feels the waves behind her eyes threatening to crash causing a large amount of damage. Again, she swallows down the pain like cherry flavored cough syrup. She waits in the living room desperately waiting for him to come through the door telling her how sorry he is and how he would make it up to her. More time passes and with each second she can feel her heartbeat increase and her breathing quickening. Her palms were getting sweaty and she desperately tried to wipe them off. She just had to wait a little bit longer until he got back. A little bit longer.
It was almost eleven and now she couldn’t control her mind. Everything started spinning. The room was a cage that she had to get out of. Scrambling to her feet she desperately tried to get into their bedroom. His scent calmed her down. What usually calmed her down was her memories with him. The first time he held her hand, the first time he met her parents, and the first time he told her he loved her. Now all that those memories did was increase the storm behind her eyes and her chest felt so constricted. Breathe, she told herself, breath. Absently grasping for the edge of the table, hearing the now fragmented glass hit the wood floor she moved towards the bedroom. The world was spinning and oxygen was in limited supply. She kept gasping for breath, but somehow instead of helping her, her chest burned. Slinking to the ground she waited it out. The waves kept crashing against her and she was struggling to keep her head above water. Every wave told her he didn't love her. That he was out late on their two year anniversary meeting up with another girl. Someone who was prettier than her, smarter than her and got him better than she did. After the worst was over, she stood up feeling empty and walked to their bedroom and counted the stars until the darkness engulfed her.
He had been missing a lot of dates lately and missing their anniversary added to the pile of disappointments. She knew he was busy trying to close a big deal, but he didn’t even text her or anything. This was another period of coldness. It seemed like the only time she would see him was when he came home late if she waited up and sometimes when he accidentally woke her up in the morning. The size of the penthouse amplified her loneliness. She felt like an outsider and it was tearing her apart. Her confidence was slipping into an all-time low. How had she grown so dependent on him? She was tired of fighting the battles alone when it was supposed to be with him. She was tired of fighting back the criticism of her friends and family when she went to confide in them. They told her to leave and that this wasn’t love. It was wrong of him to be so hot and cold. They told her that he couldn’t treat her like this and these periods of coldness were big red flags. But she loved him.
She woke up to stillness. The bed was cold and he had never come home last night. She couldn't help but feel stupid because she had hoped she would wake up with soft kisses of apologies. She wanted to wake up to him clutching her torso and feel the warmness of his skin. She wanted to wake up smelling breakfast, but all she could smell was the stale air of leftover tears. She felt empty and even if she wanted to cry, she couldn’t.
The silence made her wish it was yesterday again. She would rather feel neglected and alone then empty. At least he was here yesterday. The memory sprung a pain in her chest and even though there were no tears clouding her vision, she tried to blink back the pain. She silently cursed herself hating the fact that everyone could read her emotions. She hates that about herself, but he had assured her he loved that. How naive she was. The minutes were hours to her. The dull morning of waking up and wishing he was here. Day after day when she only saw him for a handful of minutes and every argument led to him kissing her and telling her that he would do better next time. He would be better for a little bit, but it would always end the same. They had been dating since her sophomore year of undergrad and she had been with him through the transition of low positions to high in his father's company. She tried to be the most supportive girlfriend and she was there to listen and comfort on the good days and bad. She was so tired. She was tired of this on again off again love. It was a one-sided love, wasn’t it? She looked around the bedroom and suddenly it was suffocating. She needed to go for a walk.
He stumbled into the apartment and tried to erase the evident excitement he felt to see her. He didn’t want to maul her with hugs and kisses. He remembers the times where he felt this way before they were dating. He tried to go to the cafe when she was there and order her favorite drink. He kept telling himself that he wasn’t stalking her, but was just persistent. He was not the best with emotions and often had to be pushed to share, but with her he wanted her to read him like an open book. He had a bouquet of flowers in his hands and an apology on his lips. He felt so guilty about not coming home yesterday and it was slowly eating away at him, but he was determined to make it up to her. Last night he had come home late to find her in one of his T-shirts which gave a sense of pride, but he quickly turned worried with one look at her face, it was blotchy and puffy like she had been crying. He was late that morning and couldn't kiss away her tears and whisper words of reassurance. He had forgotten to tell her how much he loves her. Not wanting to wake her he slept on the couch and wrote a quick note on the whiteboard on their refrigerator to suffice till he got back. He had to wake up and go straight to work again for a meeting with his boss.
He called out for her and he realized he couldn’t hide how happy he was to see her. He expected to hear the soft creeks of the wood floor from her footsteps to welcome him home Then he remembered yesterday and realized she was probably mad at him. She had every right to and he hoped tonight would make up for the month of absence. He never quite had to explain to her about the long hours and other demands of his job. Sometimes it felt too good to be true that she just accepted the short amount of time they got to see each other when he was working on a big deal. He felt guilty most of the time but always comforted himself that she would bring it up if it really bothered her. She had a couple of times, but they always resolved things,
When there was no response he went straight to the stairs leading up the bedroom. As he took a look inside, he felt his heart drop. Where could she be? Going back downstairs he noticed glass on the ground beside the coffee table in the living room. He noticed the glass from the picture frame of them had broken. It was them on their first vacation together after he got promoted last year. His father was strict with his business and told him he had to start from the bottom. He remembered that she was so happy for him. He quickly cleaned up the glass and went back upstairs to change. The bed was made and everything seemed normal. Maybe she ran some errands or needed to go to the store. He was impatient to see his girl so he texted her. Where are you, babe? As soon as he hit send, he heard a ding. And that’s when he realized she had left her phone at home. As he looked around the room he noticed that her purse was still here. He began to panic and wondered where she could have gone. She was clearly upset with him about last night and he bit back the tears feeling the guilt inside bubbling up. He knew that missing their anniversary dinner was a big deal and he spent the entire day thinking of different ways to make it up to her. The deal was finally closed and he wanted to cash in as many vacation days as possible to spend with her. His heartbeat rose as he began to question where she could be again. It was getting late and he knew he needed to go out and look for her.
She walked the beach out of all the places crying until her feet hurt and she sat down in the sand. It was like a cliche breakup scene in one of those romcoms and all she needed with a copious amount of alcohol to drown her sorrows. Too bad she hated the taste. She wondered if he was home by now and if he noticed she was gone or that she wasn’t just out on errands. She wondered if he would go to bed tonight assuming she would be back in the morning. She felt like she couldn’t take any more cuts in this relationship and wondered if it was really worth it. It was clear that normal relationships weren’t like this. She shouldn’t have to wonder when he will spend time with her and she deserves someone who wanted to make an effort to talk to her when he was busy. Work was work, but their relationship still should be a priority. It seemed like all of her friends were in great relationships and even though they weren’t perfect, they worked out somehow. Both people wanted the other person and even through busy times and rough patches, they made it work. Did they work together? Did he care? Dwelling on the topic made her jump to conclusions, but she only had the beginning of their relationship to prove how caring he could be. He had lost the spark for her, didn’t he?
She pulled her jacket closer to her body as the afternoon turned into early evening. What should she do now? She could walk to her friend's apartment and stay there tonight. They would be sympathetic to her and beg her to leave him. Could she handle another person opening up wounds she pushed down because she knew he was busy? How selfless could she be in this relationship? It was so draining and it seemed like he was slowly testing her to see how far she could go before she would snap. How much could he take for her before she said it was enough? She felt pathetic.
He had been calling every contact in her phone asking if she was at their apartment or if they had seen her, but after each no, he felt helpless. He had been walking around the city for a couple of hours distraught. He laughed coldly as he thought how crazy he looked looking into restaurants and shops searching for her. He sat down at the nearest bench. He messed up and now she was gone. They hadn’t spent quality time together in a long time and he knew it was draining. He hadn’t given her any sense of hope this past month only venting to her about work sometimes and then sleeping. He saw her every night and morning, but he realized she didn’t see him. She was usually asleep when he came home and left for work. He ran his hand through his hair and tried to choke down tears. Then he heard his name and as he looked up the tears fell. But then his sadness turned into frustration as he saw her.
“Do you have any idea how worried I’ve been? God, I’ve been looking for you for hours? Why didn’t you take your phone? Why-” He cut himself off as he noticed the redness in her eyes and how swollen her face looked. He bit his tongue and realized there was a serious conversation brewing. He felt his gaze softened and he reached out for her. Much to his surprise, she stepped out of his reach. A pang went right through his chest and he looked down trying to blink back tears. Gathering his thoughts he looked back up at her and stepped towards her. She stepped back. They looked at each other and realized that they didn’t know each other quite the same anymore.
“You should go home.” She whispered and he stared at her shocked. How could he repair the rift he had put between them? It would take a lot of time and he was willing to do anything for her to agree to try.
“Baby-” She cut him off by turning away from him and walking away. He quickly caught up to her held her. Her shoulders began to move up and down slightly; she was crying.
“Where were you yesterday?” She asked him quietly and he breathing hitched.
“I love you.” She broke away and continued to walk away from him. “I’m sorry baby. I’m sorry.” She just shook her head and kept walking. He walked behind her telling her how sorry he was and how he would make it up to her, but it seemed like she was not listening to anything he was saying.
“I think we should break up.” As the words left her mouth he stopped walking. He opened his mouth, but nothing recognizable as words came out. He never knew heartbreak could be such physical pain. It was almost indescribable and the ache in his chest kept growing.
“What?” Silence filled their ears and this time he didn’t try to hold in his tears. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He walked near her and hesitated toucher her as if she would break. “I love you. I love you. I love you. Don’t leave me. Baby… Baby… Don’t do this-” he cried. He knew he was being pathetic. All the mistakes, everything he thought she was fine with had caught up to him. He had taken her confidence, he had taken her love and time. He didn’t know if things were salvageable, but he hoped that she would give him another chance. He couldn’t let her go.
“You keep telling me you love me, but I don’t believe you. You’ve been gone this entire month and the only times I see you are when we sleep and when you wake up. You could have any girl and I don’t know why you chose me. I’m sensitive, I wear my heart on my sleeve and I cry. I cry a lot and I fall so deeply in love. Why me?” He couldn’t help but let more tears go. He had convinced the girl he was madly in love with that the word love didn’t have meaning when he said it. His mind crazily searched for what he deemed was the right thing to say in this situation.
“Stay. Stay with me. I’ll do bett-”
“Don’t,” She said coldly. “You always say this. You never do better in the long run. You always leave in the end. I’m tired of going to bed and waking up alone. I’m tired of your friends telling me I’m not good enough for. I’m tired of ignoring the red flags because of the pathetic faith I had in you. I’m tired of feeling exhausted. I’m tired of arguing with you because you’re never home. I’m tired of feeling like you don’t want me around because you’re never there. I’m tired of this on again off again love! This isn’t love… This can’t be what love is.” He was speechless. The girl he was head over heels with didn’t feel like he was in love with her and he was a crappy excuse of a boyfriend.
She turned around and stared at him. The man she thought he was turned out to be a boy in men’s clothing. She couldn’t help but notice the silent tears that fell from his eyes and the distraught written on his face. She didn’t deserve this.
