#dissociative ptsd

[rottenteeth]

That alter you split who experiences very little to no negative symptoms did not split for no reason or because you really like a character. No your new part isn't endogenic (like really let's use our brains)

They are an ANP. They split so that they could deal with daily life or certain activities so that other facets can deal with stress. They split to be normal. They split to be unaffected by an event or by long term stress.

I know so many of you are young and obviously impressionable. DID makes you prone to fantastical thinking and suggestion. Obviously you want to not have trauma or split for fun because that would feel better.

[makoonz]

Dude my imagination has diminished by a shit ton at some point in my life, like only a year ago the vision I have in my head of things I WANT to imagine was way more vivid and easier to access.

Now it's very dull, almost 0 color if I'm forcing myself to imagine something, and it's even blurry and distorted. But there are these very short periods that last not even a minute where I'll get a whole movie scene/or image in incredibly high detail, 100 color and silhouettes for not much longer than a few seconds.

I knew trauma was doing things to me but I used to be so imaginative and creative? The decreasing imagination has legit stopped me from drawing more and more throughout two years, I hate it. I hate not being able to fall asleep to my little scenes I make in my head, and I hate not being able to get any art out.

[phthalo-blu]

Also, rereading Slaughterhouse Five is much sadder as an adult. It doesn't seem as goofy and poetically disjoint. It just feels traumatized. It's unsettling how much I relate to a lot of it. The absurdity of all suffering, the disconnect in time because of dissociation, the lack of emotional reaction or connection to literally any event that's happening, positive or negative. Also, writing about a traumatic event and experience through a third party character. Literally removing yourself from the plot (except for like two spots where Vonnegut actually mentions his presence, one where he's shitting his brains out, the other a single word commentary). The blur between dream and reality, and doubt of what reality is. Like. Holy shit. Idk. Maybe I'm projecting but damn.

[femmestoker]

long post, did talk below

according to the MID Assessment I did with my therapist, I have a lot of "helper parts". I really only knew about one-ish helper part (who is kind of the "adult" of our system, in his thirties whereas the rest of us are much younger, by ten or more years) but apparently I have more. I'm gonna ask my therapist next sesh about it to maybe uncover more of them.

I still kinda. doubt that I have DID (a normal thing for a person with DID to experience) but I do know that I am fragmented as a person and do have many parts. not sure if I would go as far to call them alters because I don't really experience switching in the "typical" way, if really at all (at least anymore, I definitely have switched in my teenhood and younger adulthood, when my environments were much less safe and very toxic). since I now live alone and have less contact with the toxic people in my life, my system is much less....active? perhaps, at least when we're home.

work is another story entirely. I'm dissociated 100% of the time there. that's why I'm going to reapply for disability due to my PTSD and DID. I cannot work. not full time, not even close. my social worker has told me that 20 hours a week seems like the sweet spot for me, and I agree. when I was working 4 hours a day I was absolutely fine. but when my boss was pleased with my work and gave me more hours, I just fell apart. I might even quit my job before Monday, because I cannot work 7 hours a day anymore.

wish I could talk to my social worker, but shes on vacation rn. I do have other people I can talk to in the program, but I don't really trust them to know that I have DID, not yet anyway. especially when I'm not even sure myself.

shrug

[rottenteeth]

I dont like the term plural, I feel like it normalizes and almost encourages separation of dissociative parts.

I am not multiple, I am one very broken person. My introjects are abusers and my memory is so horrible even when who I perceive to be me is present.

My mind has memories and thoughts that it wants to keep separate from other parts. Have you ever noticed that each facet thinks that its way of being is the true way? That it's hard to remember any way of being that isn't your current view?

I often experience what seems like anterograde dissociative amnesia. I always think I'm present in the moment, but in a split second (or hours, or days, or months) I lose those memories. Whether that be partially or fully, or even if they can be triggered when someone else mentions the event. They become compartmentalized into other parts and it continues to give them a sense of "me". In reality, I am them, as are they me.

[butterflieseatcorpses]

I have dreams of being in different realities

Realities where things feel more easy

maybe it’s because im calmer in my dream state

feel like I can navigate freely

since

deep down

I know

it’s not real

I was once told life isn’t for dreaming

what do you do when your waking life feels like a dream

And you can’t get out of it?

You can’t seem to remember what you had for dinner last night

Or any meal for that matter

other than the one you’re having now

You can’t remember if you did this or that

You can’t remember how you felt

even what you said to someone

How can this be fixed?

Does fixing it even matter?

[phthalo-blu]

Crazy how as soon as a bubble up is over, I literally cannot remember any of my thoughts or feelings associated with what happened?? Wild. I'm trying to document the shit that comes up but wow is my brain awesome at compartmentalizing.

It's like I wasn't just tremor sobbing and fighting SH urges and trying not to scream in the shower. I feel cool as a cucumber now. No idea what happened or what set me off exactly.

Anyways, I guess I'll just go to bed LUL.

Bubble ups are what I call PTSD attacks