more personal exposition (I remember why I made tumblr now)
my roommate came home really drunk last night and I was up and went to try and keep them quiet so my other roommates could sleep (it wasn’t successful)
She said at one point this isn’t direct quotes cause my memory isn’t that good but it’s how I remember it.
“You’re so skinny, I wish I could just like not eat like you.”
I just said “it’s not worth it”
But also it pisses me off that she probably doesn’t remember it, but I do, and she’s the only one I’ve told about that, and so if she ever “you have to eat something today” again at me it has that much less clout.
Also based on like my clothes and how long my relapse has been so far, I’m actually still at or near my heaviest weight. I’m being unhealthy, but this weight i could most likely be here healthily, like not me personally but you don’t need to starve for it.
I’m not notice weight loss, I am noticing the vertigo, absent mindedness, feeling faint, nausea, etc.
I know that she was drunk and all that, but really I hate this, I hate it I’m mad at myself for every meal I skip, I also look less healthy, and sober her has said so, that there have been days in choir I looked sick.
But like I feel now underneath it all, she’s not stopping me because she cares, it’s cause she’s jealous and that’s what the dissorder says and now the logic is backing it up, and basically I’m mad, I’m mad that I’ve gotten deep down the rabbit hole, I’m mad that she said anything ,but Im also mad that people think that, and I know I thought it, I was in proana I was jealous of people with more “willpower” than me, but like I just i hate where I am so much I would want to trade with someone without this so bad.
