#low weight

[losingitinjersey]

Well hello there 201.THREE!  To be fair, I did weigh in at 202.something earlier this morning then after a trip to the bathroom and blowing out my hair I decided to weigh in again to this delightful new lowest weight!  Strange that I won’t be able to weigh in again for FIVE days due to my trip to CA today.   

Dinner last night was meh.  It was this chicken bacon ranch casserole dish that was not on theme because I found this recipe before deciding to do only Ruled.Me recipes this week.  Then I remembered, unfortunately, after I went grocery shopping on Sunday, that I was leaving on Thursday (today! in 20 minutes! Yes, I’m at the gate as I type this!) so I bought all these delicious ingredients that aren’t going to be utilized :(  This recipe was fine, but due to the 40 minutes it took to cook the chicken then the 15 minutes for the casserole to bake, paired with the lack luster flavor it just wasn’t worth it. 

Last night I loaded up my Kindle with pre-downloaded Netflix shows for the flight just in case there’s no in-flight entertainment.  Other than Love, Death & Robots, I haven’t seen any of these so we’ll see how it all goes!  Yes, I like variety.  

This morning I woke up at 5 a.m. to leave the house by 7 a.m. to go pick up donuts (which my catering order wasn’t ready, rude - Dunkin’, which put me off schedule), then get to my work meeting by 8:20 a.m. to prep for a 9 a.m. meeting.  The maple donut was singing to me but I walked away from her siren song and all the rest and happily sipped my coffee.  I’ll be landing in SF at midnight pst.  LONG DAY.  

Having a short two hours at the office after my meeting to wrap up projects until my return on Tuesday was stressful to say the least and I ended up leaving the office an hour after I originally planned to.  But that’s okay.  I feel comfortable with how well I prepped things for my co-workers in my absence.  

That left me with just an hour to finish packing and get myself together to have Kevin drive me to the airport at 3 p.m. for my 4:40 p.m. boarding time.  I’m here, prepared, and ready to fly home to California to celebrate my bff at her bridal shower!!  I hope to keep you updated with how I do making keto choices, still striving for that sub-200 weight but we’ll see what happens!  

[dainty-little-forget-me-not]

GUESS FUCKING WHAT

I'm 115 lbs

[bigeyedchangelingchild]

I tried on a dress from a while back, since I have to know if it's worth bringing with me or not. I was pretty sure it wouldn't fit we bought it at the worst part of my dissordered eating, but it was still super trigering to see just how much it didn't fit. like not even managing to close over my waist or clasp at the top. With a good 5 cm between the two sides.

I shouldn't have even tried but also I kind of had to, like my brain it said I had to. I have also gained a lot of weight in the last 2 years because of health and not being able to exercise like I used to, my meds have weight gain as a side effect too so  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  I just know that then I was ~40 kilos and now I'm over 50 kilos (~55 kilos i think I could be as high as 60 kilos but I'm not sure, I only ever get weighed at the doctors). What sucks for venting is that comparatively I'm still small. I can't complain about my fat because I'm not really fat, like objectively I was unhealthy looking then, and now I can still feel my rib cage and spine. But it's about having the smallest number in my brain. I feel like even saying this I'm being such a terrible person, like oh I couldn't fit into a size 0 dress, I'm so fat. and what pisses me off is I can look at other people and it doesn't translate, it's not that I really want myself to be small enough to look good or anything like that. I want to take up as little space as possible. And gaining wieght isn't the only thing making me take up more space. I used my walker today, and I was acutely aware of all the space I was occupying. I want to be paper thin as to never have to ask excuse me. I want to be so small that it's physically impossible for me to be in the way.

But I also want the numbers. I want a tiny number. i'm better than I was then. I really am but I'm not like as better as I might seem to be most of the time. It's the mental health issue that I'm the worst at talking openly about, partly because of how it was with Christine, partly because at that time I had a pro-ana blog, partly because I don't have a "good excuse" like I feel I do with PTSD and it's not obvious like it is with my physical disabilities.

It's there with having been in an abusive relationship, it's way more of my life and how I am than most other things but it's something I hate to talk about.

Either way I have to live with the fact that things from that time don't fit me any more, even if it's a dress I never got to wear. But even if I say something about buying a new dress that does fit, or at least I'm healthier (I'm really not, which makes it harder, like I'm a healthier weight, but my health itself has declined. back then I only got dizzy or fainted because I hadn't eaten for days, now I can stand up after dinner and faint.) but the reality is is that it's hard and I'm upset, and this was created to be a place to vent and that's what I'm doing. I'm mad that I don't fit into that dress anymore, and I feel fat despite all objective evidence.