RUN TO
-> TANAKA RYUUNOSUKE X GN!READER
Precis: Sometimes it takes the tiniest detail to tear apart your entire life. Sometimes everything seems to change at once, and you’re left with nothing. So as much as you might say you trust your husband, it all goes out the window when your new coworker has him acting strange.
WC: ~8k
Warnings/content: mentions of cheating, mentions of death, a lot of angst, fluff, humour, already established relationship (marriage)
AN: I was originally going to release this in 3 chapters, but it just doesn’t work.. so you get a fat 8k words instead. I hope you enjoy <3
TAGLIST: @h-grangerstudies @bluefaeriefury @bokubonk @daddyjackfrost @snoozless @serenitycushing @gummimint @kirishimas-manly-eyeliner @kailleiobrien @ddalgineun
✧ I HOPE YOU ENJOY ✧
“I heard that they hired a bunch of new workers,” you said, pulling your husband’s arm around your stomach. “They were supposed to have finished training yesterday.”
“Maybe they’ll stop overworking you now.” Tanaka leaned his chin over your shoulder, kissing your cheek.
“Yeah,” you sighed, playing with his fingers, “but that means they might need me for less hours. Which means less money.”
“I know, but you might get a promotion soon, so…”
“I doubt it. Varma probably isn’t going anywhere for awhile.”
You worked at a sportswear shop partnered to a fitness centre that Tanaka worked at. You didn’t see him much during the day, but you were technically within a hundred feet of each other at all times. You had met him through your job here.
Your superior, Arpita Varma, was the dedicated manager of the womenswear section. She knew everything there was to know about healthy support, and she was even better at marketing with customers and coaching employees. If it hadn’t been for her, you probably wouldn’t have stayed at this job long enough to even feel somewhat comfortable. The two of you had had some disagreements, but she knew how to handle conflict within her store no matter what it was about. This was something you could respect, and after a few months working you found that retail wasn’t so bad as you had initially expected.
Conflict within your store was generally uncommon — thankfully, respect was established at least between Ms. Varma and her inferiors. Most problems came from customers disappointed in design, in supply, and in sizing; all things that neither you as an employee nor your manager had really any control over. You tried not to generalize your customers, but you couldn’t help but notice that the majority of the shoppers asking to see Ms. Varma about faults in the merchandise or service were middle-aged, openly vegan, easily offended women. There was a well known look that you and your coworkers exchanged in these moments, mid-assurances to said customers that “we’ll make sure you find what you’re looking for.”
It was a somewhat relaxed job, but of course you still loved your lunch breaks spent with Ryuunosuke Tanaka. He was a physical trainer. His breaks didn’t always line up with yours, but he would always make it up to you. You would usually spend time at the sheltered table just outside the employee entrance, talking about your day so far or talking about anything, really. When you first met him, you had been intimidated by his naturally menacing face, his big presence, his muscles, and the tattoo snaking down his left arm. But as you got to know him, you realized… he was actually an idiot. A really kind, caring, passionate, attractive idiot. He had lost any remaining threatening emanation the day he asked you out on a date.
“Do…?” He had trailed off, his face reddening and his mouth closing as he stared at you.
“What? Tanaka?” You’d eyed your sandwich for a second, and then took a big bite, fixing him with an even gaze.
“Do you…”
“Do I?” you repeated with your mouth half-full. “Do I what?”
“DO YOU WANT TO GO ON A DATE WITH ME, Y/N?”
You froze, covering your mouth with your hand because you were smiling. After a somewhat tense second of trying very hard not to laugh, you swallowed and nodded.
He had seemed so surprised that you had actually accepted that it was his turn to freeze, processing for a moment. “Okay,” he said, his voice breaking. “Awesome. Do you like bakeries?”
It was amusing to see a fully-grown man blushing as he asked you out on a date. He wasn’t smooth at first, but he was respectfully bold and very different from what you had had in past relationships. He was the kind of boyfriend who would hold doors as if it was the least he could do, the kind of guy who would ask before touching or holding you, the kind of man… you could almost see yourself spending your life with.
He had definitely changed your life — you went from living alone with your mom’s cat and working at a sort of disappointing retail job to living alone with your mom’s cat and working the same job but having someone to look forward to. Someone you could trust. And, since you married, you had someone you could always lean on. Tonight was one of the days you really didn’t mind having Tanaka, who would hold you as you explained for perhaps the fourth time the pressure of having trainees at your job to half-supervise.
“They’ll at least give you a raise,” Tanaka said, “because you’ve been there for, what, five years?”
“It doesn’t matter,” you said. “That’s not really how it works.”
“Baby, you just finished complaining that you wouldn’t get paid as much now.”
You laughed through your nose. “That’s true.”
“Money isn’t a problem,” he said. “I think it’s a good thing. And, really, after they get the hang of things, it won’t be as bad. Give ‘em a week.”
“I know,” you sighed. You slumped your head into his chest. “Ugh. I’m getting tired just thinking about it.”
“It was a long day,” he assured you.
“Every day’s a long day.”
You felt his fingers lightly rubbing the side of your torso. You smiled after a second, tilting your head back so that you could look him in the eyes. “I love you, Ryuu.”
He kissed the top of your head and repeated the sentiment to you a few times.
Moments like this were irreplaceable. Even times when you were worried about something going on at work, concerned about family problems, or tired from a bad day, he’d always try his hardest to make sure you knew he was supporting you. He was the best husband you could ask for.
You hadn’t really liked the idea of marriage before Tanaka. It sounded like a waste of time. Because it seemed impossible that someone would really want to be tied to someone else for that long. It was romantic in theory, but the idea of being stuck with one person for the rest of your life seemed a bit extreme. Even the idea of meeting someone you'd want to be around regardless of your mood was impossible to imagine. However, you could barely picture going more than a few days without Tanaka. You couldn’t predict how you’d feel later in your life; you were still young, too young to be married in the eyes of your parents (at least they could agree on one thing) and you knew from experience that you and the people in your life could change just like that.
But you wanted to revel in every moment you could with Tanaka. And the proposal of spending your life with him hadn’t seemed like such a bad idea.
-✧-
“We’ll do better in the future to help you find what you’re looking for,” you were saying, holding your hands up towards a fuming customer.
“You aren’t doing much for me now, so why would I come back? Your sizing is really disappointing. I should have gone next door.”
On top of four new workers today, you were somehow lucky enough to be blessed with one of these shoppers. The kinds that refused to even try to grasp what was going on. Sometimes you swore these people had earplugs in.
“They don’t sell this kind of product next door,” you tried to explain. “But if you—”
“Thank you, but I really don’t need your help.” The woman nodded with a disgusted expression on her face.
You were prepared to watch her march right out of the store, but she didn’t.
A girl stood next to you, and she started to converse quietly with the woman. You turned speechlessly to watch.
She was a little shorter than you, but probably a year or two older. She had thinly framed glasses and shiny, dark hair, and a beauty mark to the left of her mouth. She was clearly one of the new hires, since you’d never seen her before. Her name tag read ‘KIYOKO SHIMUZU.’
“You may contact our manufacturers if you believe there is an issue with the design,” she was clarifying to the customer. Her voice was very soft, but her words were clear and she didn’t seem at all distressed or annoyed. She was oozing with patience and placidity that you had lost within your first year of working at the shop. “Unfortunately, we don’t have the power to make such changes to our merchandise, but if they receive multiple complaints about a clothing item they will work to improve it for you. We hope to serve you the best, but it isn’t always up to us or our direct superiors.”
You could have sworn your ears were betraying you when the woman nodded and said, “oh, I understand. Yes, that makes sense.”
‘That makes sense’? But you had explained all of that to her already!
After Shimuzu finished dealing with the customer, you approached her. You had to let her know she was doing a good job; both as an encouraging mentor and as an impressed coworker.
“You handled that customer so well! How did you know what to say?”
She glanced at you. “Oh. But they told us how to handle that kind of person in the training.”
Now that you thought about it, this was true. You could vaguely recall being given instructions on it when you started out several years ago. But you had always gone with instinct and the most recent advice from Ms. Varma, and whatever directions you had received at the beginning didn’t resurface in your memory ever again. And, as you dealt with more customers, although you improved at being able to tell how they would react, you found that you had less and less patience for them. Helping customers was usually a pleasure; you loved helping people find what they wanted and leave the store with a smile on their face. But these people made it especially difficult.
“But you still did such a good job. There’s a big difference between being told how to do something and successfully doing it. So, yeah, good job.”
You couldn’t deny the fact that you felt sort of flustered talking to her. Despite having more years here, you had a hunch that she had more experience than you knew.
She smiled shyly. “Thank you.”
“I want to know all about how you became so talented on break,” you said. You were sure Tanaka would like to meet her, too. He loved new people.
“I’m actually busy at break,” she said apologetically. “Thank you for your invitation, though.”
“Oh, I see.” You nodded. It did make sense; it was her first day, and she was probably just shy. You had probably come off a little overexcited, too; influence from your husband.
-✧-
Today was one of the days that your break lined up with Tanaka’s, thankfully. It may have been a tiring morning, since you had had to assist two clueless new hires at the checkout six different times, been almost blamed for a stocking error that was thankfully resolved, and of course the whole situation with the upset customer. But you were most excited about the new Shimuzu. You had a feeling that she was going to be a huge asset for the store, as you described to Tanaka.
“What did you say her name was?” he asked, his eyes widening.
You tilted your head at him. “Something-or-other Shimuzu. A ‘K,’ I think.”
He didn’t say anything for a moment, studying you. “Hm. Probably not her. That would be…” He smiled for a second, but confusion quickly reemerged. “With a ‘K’? Really?”
“Yeah? Do you know a Shimuzu?”
“Not really,” he said. “And..” He shrugged. “It’s not important.”
You trusted him enough to know that if he didn’t see something important, it probably wasn’t. Because if something was important, it would be all you’d hear about.
“Well, okay then. So, how were your clients today.”
He made a face. “I had to drop one,” he said, squinting in annoyance. “Or, well, she fired me.”
“What? Why? What happened?”
Tanaka absentmindedly took your hand, playing with each finger individually. He gazed at you in exasperation. “She was asking me on a date and I showed her my ring. I don’t think she even believed that I was married even after that.”
You frowned, not sure whether to laugh or not. “So what happened?”
“I…” He shook his head. “I showed her my ring, like this—” He dropped your fingers to point at his left hand. “—and I said, ‘look at this. This is the symbol of my undying devotion to Y/N Tanaka. I am hopelessly in love with them and they are all I think about every second of every day. We married on the seventeenth of April last year and it was the happiest day of my life. I don’t want to go on a date with you because that would break the promise I made with the deepest part of my heart.’”
You broke into a big grin, shaking your head. “Oh. And then?”
“She seemed sort of mad at me for being married. I don’t remember exactly what she responded with. Probably wasn’t important. The point is, I don’t think she’s coming back.”
“Aww, love,” you said, patting his short hair on the top of his head. “All you remember is the part where you explained how much you love me?”
He nodded, smiling.
“It’ll be okay. You won’t have trouble getting a new client. You are an amazing trainer. The only reason people don’t like you is ‘cause you’re married, so I guess that’s my fault. I’m your one weakness.”
“That’s not true,” he said insistently. “You’re my strength! You know, I didn’t start to have clients ask me out until we got married.”
You laughed. “You’re kidding,” you said, with a subtone of sarcasm.
“I’m not,” he replied earnestly.
“What can I say, girls like guys with rings.”
You fiddled with his ring, admiring the way it fit on his fourth finger. It was a thick, shiny, silver band, with an embedded pattern of a flower that matched the one on your own ring, which had a thinner band but was otherwise identical. Tanaka’s hands were strong, with a few veins trailing up his arms and long, curved fingers. He had a bruise on the inside of his left arm just before his elbow, where his tattoo started. The creases on his palm, which you traced with your fingers as you turned over his hand, were long and smooth. You thought it was beautiful that even though he was right handed he decorated his left arm. “I love your hands. Especially your left hand.”
As you studied his hands, he studied you. You could feel his eyes admiring your face, a smile growing on his face. He closed the distance between you — which wasn’t very much — and kissed you.
Despite years with him, it still made your heart jump a little when he kissed you like this.
“That’s my baby,” he murmured. “Loving my weaknesses as much as my strengths.”
You laughed out your nose. “Cheesy.”
He smiled and kissed you again.
Shimuzu’s patience did not fade within that next week as you had expected it to. She remained a calm and hardworking employee, but she also remained a mystery, unwilling to go on break with you or really share much about herself. At first, you thought she was being shy, but you soon realized that she seemed to only not want to talk to you specifically. You wondered if it had been because of what you had said on the first day, but it really didn’t line up, and you were left confused. She seemed willing enough to be with other people on break — she seemed to have somewhat befriended another new hire and would deliberately avoid you.
Tanaka didn’t react the way you had expected when you told him.
“It's like she knows something about me that makes her uncomfortable,” you sighed, watching the raindrops being pushed by the windshield wipers. “It’s really weird. And I wish I knew what it was, because she seems like a sweetheart other than this.”
“Are you sure she isn’t just, y’know, shy?” he asked. Something was off about his tone.
“Like I said, she’s not. Why, do you know anything?”
You couldn’t help but notice his grip on the steering wheel tighten. You looked ahead at the road, wondering what was causing him to tense up. When you saw nothing, you looked back to study his expression.
“No, not at all,” he said.
Your husband was a lot of things, but a good liar wasn’t one of them.
“You know her, don’t you?”
“I’ve never met her, so I wouldn’t know.”
“Ryuu. What’s going on?”
He glanced at you. “I promise, nothing. I don’t know.”
“Oh my gosh, I must have done something when I met her and you’re not telling me. What did I do wrong?”
“Baby, you did nothing,” he said with a smile. “You’re amazing. Getting complimented by you like that would be the kind of thing I’d write down to make sure I never forgot.”
“Do you write it down when I compliment you?” you asked, trying not to laugh.
He paused. “No.”
He wasn’t a good liar.
You chuckled, eyes shifting back to outside the window. Tanaka slowed the truck as it approached a light. “So, if you’re so sure that it wasn’t something I said…”
“You shouldn’t worry about it, babe.” Tanaka’s voice was clear, since you weren’t moving. So there was no way you could have misunderstood his next sentence. “Maybe Kiyoko is just intimidated by you specifically because you’re just that cool.”
You could hear your own heartbeat for a few seconds, and then he eased the gas pedal down and you slowly inhaled.
He had said ‘Kiyoko.’
You had been referring to her as Shimuzu. You hadn’t said her first name once. There was no doubt that he knew her now.
You stared at him. He was clueless of what he had said, still smiling about the comment he had made about you. It wasn’t dark yet outside, and the silver light cast a happy light in his eyes.
Okay. Okay, this was Tanaka. He wasn’t hiding anything; he couldn’t be. If he was really hiding something big, you would have noticed now. He was really bad at keeping secrets, even the smallest ones. And he loved you infinitely, right?
So why did you have this feeling in your chest?
You didn’t say anything for the rest of the car ride. You could feel Tanaka’s anxiety escalate, but he didn’t talk either. He had never made you feel like this. Sure, the two of you had had rough patches; you had even broken up while you were still dating but that hadn’t lasted long. You trusted and valued him more than anything, but since this feeling was new to at least this relationship, you didn’t know what to think. You tried to bury the feeling. This could be any number of things, and you didn’t want to assume. And you knew whatever it was, it probably wasn’t big.
Unless it was so big that you had never noticed.
When you got home, you agreed to a movie night that you silently hoped would make you forget. You pushed your mind into a lighter place, not wanting what had just happened to ruin your evening.
“All the ‘Back To the Future’s?” he suggested.
“No! The only good one is the first one. I’ve told you this.”
“Ahh… I have to agree. Okay, then how about—”
“—all the To All the Boys. Good thinking, Ryuu. I’m glad you know how much I like bullying Lara Jean.”
He smiled. “Okay. What does my lovely darling want to eat tonight?”
“Anything’s fine.” You gazed at the full water dish on the floor, and the equally as full food dish. Your cat — well, technically it was your mom’s ex-cat, but she hated him — Rick Astley, appeared to have not eaten anything, and you frowned. “I’ll get changed and then look for Rickroll. It looks like he didn’t eat again. We probably need to get him checked out.”
You were walking down the hall to the bedroom, thinking about the astronomical vet bill you would receive when you took Rick Astley for a check in, when you noticed something on the floor.
It was Rick Astley’s grey, curled up figure. Right in the middle of the hall in front of your closed bedroom door. Was he sleeping, here?
Something was wrong.
“Ryuu,” you said, kneeling down in front of Rick Astley. He had grey fur, big ears, an angular face, and green eyes, which were now closed; that, at least, was a good sign. You observed carefully, and realized that he was breathing, only it was ragged and you could hear slight strained noises.
You heard Tanaka respond. “What’s up?”
When you didn’t reply, he walked into the hall. “Baby?”
You turned back to look at him, unable to say anything. He rushed over and knelt next to you. “Rickroll?” he asked.
“He’s alive,” you said. “But his breathing is…”
“Weak.”
“Yeah.”
He didn’t hesitate. “Okay. I’ll get the carrier. Do you want to start the car?”
The next hour was a blur. Calling the vet and letting them know you were on your way. Watching Ryuu gently lift the carrier into the middle of the two of you in the truck. Thinking about Googling what might have happened but being too scared to actually do it. Staring out the window into the darkening grey rain. Helplessly watching as the vet assistants took the carrier from you.
And now you were sitting together in the waiting room, surrounded by other animal owners, some with their animals.
You knew that Rick Astley would be okay. Tanaka assured you the same.
The vet came out, saying something about a surgery. You didn’t process it, not really. “Whatever you have to do,” you said. “He’s my mom’s cat, and she’ll be…”
Was he really still your mom’s cat? She had given him to you when you moved, several years ago now. You loved Rick Astley more than she ever did. You’d even given him a new name, finding ‘Pepper’ a little dull. Your mom probably wouldn’t care if he died. Part of the reason she gave him to you was because she didn’t like the expenses, which you had insisted you would be fine with.
“Baby?” Tanaka said, rubbing his hand down your arm.
“Hmm?”
“He’s asking if you want to say goodbye, in case the surgery doesn’t go well.”
Did he really have to ask? Of course you wanted to.
The vet cleared his throat. “Sometimes it’s better to remember them as they used to be and now how they are. He doesn’t look good right now, and he isn’t going to be able to hear you.”
How did you want to remember Rick Astley?
You looked at Tanaka, as you often did when you needed strength. You would always make eye contact with him at times that you didn’t know what to do, and when you couldn’t do this you would always feel lost. His gaze always made you think clearer. He was like the one thing you could trust, and you needed him to cling on to when things weren’t going as planned.
But you couldn’t calm down. You couldn’t hold on to him.
He hadn’t lied about anything. You had no evidence that he had. But you still felt uncomfortable. You still knew something was off — whether it was with you or with him, you didn’t know. You didn’t know anything. You hated feeling like this. Your breathing became more shallow, tears springing into your eyes.
You couldn’t stay here, with Tanaka’s hand on your arm.
“Just— just do the surgery. I don’t care,” you stuttered, and stood up. You hadn’t been trying to, but you knew that you had slammed the door as you stepped outside. It was dark now. It smelled vaguely of rain and exhaust. The stars were obscured by thick clouds.
You couldn't see the light. You had nothing to look to but faintly glinting headlights on the highway and glows in the windows of distant buildings.
-✧-
Rick Astley had been with you since you moved and started your job here. He had been your only company on some days. Rick Astley was the one you rambled to when you started dating Tanaka, about how dating wasn’t so bad as you had remembered, about how maybe he was different. You had been reluctant to let yourself fall for Tanaka, afraid that you would get hurt like everyone in the past.
Rick Astley was picky; he hated most people and avoided the rest. Half the time, you were sure you were on the first list. You had expected him to hate Tanaka, but when Tanaka put his hands out towards him and Rick Astley had ungrudgingly inspected this new person, the connection was undeniable. It might have been because of this that you allowed yourself to really fall in love with him. Yes, the approval of your cat meant very little in the long run, but seeing them get along somehow was the assurance you needed that you weren’t delusional for being attracted to him. You had always pegged Tanaka as a dog person. But you were okay with the very relaxed relationship between your two best friends.
Tanaka had a habit to hum “Never Gonna Give You Up” when he pet ‘Rickroll,’ as he had dubbed him. Similar to you, Rick Astley wasn’t especially affectionate but he did like being held every now and then.
They were your guys. Where would you be without either of them?
But you felt like you might lose either of them at any moment.
-✧-
Tanaka gave you time alone, but he didn't wait too long. He wasn't keen on waiting, especially when it was waiting to be near you.
These were things you just knew. From experience. From the look in his eyes. From the way he'd always come running.
You had decided to sit in the truck, not willing to go back inside but tired of standing. The back of your head leaned against the headrest of the passenger’s seat. You were frozen to your seat, mind wandering.
Your husband opened the driver’s door, pulling himself up in his seat. He reached across the console, not touching you, but offering to hold your hand. “Are you okay?”
You ignored his hand, and tried to figure out how to answer. Finally, you asked, “How long is the surgery supposed to take?”
“Oh, I think… I think he said an hour.”
“Can we leave?”
He paused. “Are you hungry?”
You nodded. You still hadn’t looked at him. You felt like if you did you would cry. And you were hungry.
The two of you drove ten minutes to Tanaka’s favourite bakery. It had become your favourite, too, after trying their bread on your first date with him.
You wouldn’t be able to come here if Tanaka left you, you realized.
“Do you want me to bring it out to you?”
“Yes, please.”
He disappeared into the bakery. You could just see him, standing at the counter. He was so handsome, even at a distance.
When he returned, he handed you a paper bag with two warm buns in it. They were probably fresh. Your mouth watered, and you took one out and admired it.
“Sorry we didn’t get to have our movie night,” he said.
“Not your fault, Ryuu.”
He paused to watch you. “Rickroll’s gonna be okay, baby. I know he will be. He’s strong.”
For the first time since you had left for the vet, you looked at him. Tears stung at your eyes, and you took a bite of the bread.
“And so are we.” His tone was firm.
Your chin quivered, and you nodded, chewing. Part of you wished you had never allowed yourself to get so attached to that cat. But he had been the reason you weren’t so lonely all these years. Something about him was just everything to you.
The same went for Tanaka.
You finished the bun, tears quietly slipping out of your eyes. You looked at him.
“You’re everything to me, you know that, Ryuu?” you said, your voice shaking.
“I love you too, baby.” He smiled, and leaned over to kiss you like he meant it.
That evening you let go of your doubts. You had to. You wouldn’t be able to allow yourself to feel anything if you didn’t lean on Tanaka. You needed him right now, and the obscure feelings from earlier today weren’t important at this point.
Rick Astley had died. The surgery had been unsuccessful. When you got back to the vet, feeling a bit better after having cried yourself out and eaten something, they found you and apologized.
You responded somewhat robotically. You had already cried about it.
He had just been a cat.
But it was comforting to have Tanaka’s arm around your shoulders.
He cried later that night. He had held it back for you, but you could hear him sniffling while you were trying and failing to get any sleep. You wrapped your arms around his bicep, and he didn’t hesitate to pull you closer into his chest, kissing the top of your head.
“He was a good cat,” he half-whispered.
Despite everything, you laughed. “Yeah. Gonna miss Rickroll. But...” You paused, an inappropriately funny idea creeping into your mind. “I guess we had to Give Him Up eventually.”
“He never Let Us Down,” Tanaka replied. “Or Hurt Us.”
“Actually, he did scratch me that one time,” you sighed.
Despite everything, you felt him chuckle. The darkness felt less overpowering when you spoke to each other. Your chest loosened.
“He had to Say Goodbye,” you said solemnly.
“He Deserted Us.”
“He definitely Made Us Cry.”
“Aww,” he said, and laughed softly again.
Despite everything, that night was warm in Tanaka’s arms. For a relieving hour, you believed that he wasn’t really lying about anything — that you were overreacting. You believed that he loved you enough not to keep anything big from you. You believed that he still meant everything he said.
But the next day, despite everything, it all came back.
It was through a string of coincidences that it even happened. Tanaka had gotten an early break. He was waiting outside, without your knowledge, and you were asking Shimuzu when she would be on break. She politely declined, once again, and opened the back door.
“Kiyoko...” came Tanaka’s voice. “So it is you.”
You could see Shimuzu’s face clearly, but she couldn’t see you. Or maybe she was too lost in his eyes to acknowledge you. Her eyes were widened, a blush formed on her cheeks. “Tanaka.”
You didn’t dare say anything.
“Are you doing much better?”
She hesitated, and then nodded.
A pause.
“Listen, I’m— I’m sorry for everything, back then,” he continued. “I was very immature and made things harder for you. I made you uncomfortable and didn’t respect you like I should have. Please accept my apology.”
Something about this was wrong, and you hated it.
Shimizu didn’t say anything for a few seconds. “No, Ryuu, I—”
Ryuu?
“—I actually liked you a lot at the end of everything. You always supported me, and—”
Oh, hell no.
This was like a moment out of a Hallmark movie. Guy apologizes for being a jerk, girl admits to having loved him all along. They work out the problems from the past. Girl dumps her current partner who was taking advantage of her the whole time — would that be you in this case? Were you taking advantage of Tanaka?
You were. You only loved him because he loved you. You did nothing for him. This relationship was so one sided.
All the times he had said he loved you… had he felt like he was settling for it because he couldn’t have this Kiyoko Shimizu? Did he mean it, or did he say it because it was expected of him? Because you made him feel like—
You knew your mind was going too fast. You knew you were drawing too many conclusions.
But what if you were right?
He couldn’t see you. You couldn’t let him.
You turned around, heading back through the shop towards the customer entrance. You weren’t supposed to go out this way, but you really didn’t care at this point.
You wanted to run away. He was the only person you could turn to — really the only thing you had left, with Rick Astley gone. You shouldn’t have devoted so much to him — you saw that now. Once again, it was just another relationship. One that you had taken too far. You would never know everything about him — that was clear now. He had lied, and he hadn’t cared enough to tell you.
Who could you trust now?
“Y/N, don’t go out that way,” a voice said.
It was your manager.
You turned, and she saw the glint of rage in your eyes.
“I don’t care what’s going on, you will not disobey protocol.”
Heads were turning.
“Disobey protocol? It’s just a door, Ms. Varma. Why does it matter?”
You had never spoken to her like this. Hell, you hadn’t spoken to anyone like this for years.
There was little conflict in your workplace. Especially among your coworkers and between different authorities. So what were you doing?
“Y/N, I’ll meet you in the backroom.”
You didn’t argue.
Yes, it was just a door. Ms. Varma knew that. But she also could see what you couldn’t — she could see how your emotions were seeping into her professional setting. This was confirmed when, sitting on a bench in the thankfully now empty backroom, she said, “It’s just a door, but that’s where it starts. It’s about respect, Y/N.”
She was talking to you like you were a student. An irresponsible student, not an adult capable of making their own decisions.
But, at this point, how far was she off?
You felt out of control.
“I know,” you said. “I’m sorry.”
“I know your cat died last night. You’re allowed to take a few days off. I know how important your cat was to you. But…” Ms. Varma’s usually dutiful and unyielding eyes softened for one of the first times. “There’s something else going on with you. You need to find someone to talk to, Y/N.”
You pressed your lips together, feeling your anger turn into miserable helplessness. Because you had no one to talk to. You hadn't really had anyone before Tanaka. Rick Astley had had good listening ears but he hadn't really been the best emotional support.
You were so lonely without Tanaka. You had nowhere to run.
“For now, tell me what's going on, and I can try to help. Just help me understand what's so bad that you have to bring it into a professional setting.”
You stared at her. You had always seen her as a down-to-business superior who didn't really care for her employee’s mental health, as long as they did their jobs properly. And maybe that was all this was, but you got the feeling that it was more.
You had always respected her for her dedication, but until now you hadn't taken into account her emotional effort. She made sure to understand everyone she came in contact with — customers, her employees, the industry. She knew how to apply people to have them work their best.
You couldn't think that way. You couldn't even understand your own emotions, and despite how upset you were, you knew you were misinterpreting what Tanaka was doing, but you just couldn't understand. You mentioned this as you explained — that you knew you were off track but you didn't know what else to think.
All Ms. Varma had to say was, “You need to have a conversation with him. He is your husband. Running is not an option.”
“No— because I've tried, and—”
“You have been too scared to say anything you meant. Y/N, you have to trust him to find out if you can trust him. I know how hard it is, but you are self-destructing right now.”
Yes. You were. And it should have been obvious. You were ashamed that it had had to be pointed out to you.
“Is that all you think I have to do?”
“Yes. It's easier said than done, but you will learn. You are a good employee. You pay attention to details and serve customers well. I do not want to fire you.”
“Thank you so much.” You stood, nodding.
“Where are you going?”
“Break?”
“No, no. I do not listen and advise for free. Back to work, both of us.”
You smiled and took a deep breath. “Makes sense.”
A conversation.
All it had to be was a short conversation. You knew this.
This was Tanaka Ryuunosuke. He couldn’t lie about things. He couldn’t hide secrets if his life depended on it. He probably just knew her from university or something. Whatever it was, it probably wasn’t a big deal.
You knew him. And this image you had been coming up with over the last few days wasn’t him. This was something you had turned into a big deal because you refused to believe that you would ever truly be happily married.
But you still couldn’t believe it. You were still filled to the brim with doubt.
Because what if he was lying? You had to prepare yourself.
The first challenge was finding a time to talk to him. The moment was never right. You wanted to say something, but how could you bring it up? Because whether you were right or not, it would hurt him that you were suspicious that he was lying. No husband wanted to hear his wife ask if he really loved her or whether he had lied all this time.
And no liar wanted to be discovered.
You could remember, at the wedding, Tanaka’s best man saying something that had always confused you.
“Between the two of us, Y/N, we're all surprised it's you, but it's a good thing. Congratulations.”
At the time, Tanaka had groaned. “Suga, don't try to seduce my wife. You have plenty of single mothers practically throwing themselves at you.”
Suga had chuckled and winked at you.
So had there been someone else, even at the time? Or — did everyone else know he didn't love you as much as he said? What had it meant?
It wasn’t when you looked at Tanaka that you thought he was lying. The only times you trusted him were when you looked right in his eyes. Those were the times you knew he loved you and wasn’t trying to hurt you in any way. Those were the times it was undeniable.
But when you turned away...
It was especially hard at night. Lying in the same bed. Sometimes with his arms around you. Vision lost to the darkness. Wondering.
Ms. Varma was right. You were self-destructing.
“G’night. Love you,” he had said, before turning out the light, as he often did.
Did he mean it?
You wished your mind would shut up. You wished you could pretend, like had been. But it was just getting harder.
You loved him. Maybe selfishly. Maybe you only loved him because he loved you and you didn’t want to be lonely. He was the only thing you had that meant anything to you, other than maybe your job. You didn’t want to — you couldn’t — let go of him, even if he was lying.
That word. Over and over.
Lying.
It didn’t fit Tanaka. If anyone, it fit you.
Suddenly, the tears were running out, and you quickly sat up with your legs swung over the side of the bed to wipe them away. No, you couldn’t cry here, he’d hear you. But before you could stand, you heard him sit up.
“Baby? Are you okay?”
His voice, in the dark. You couldn’t match it with eyes full of love. Unbodied words floating into your mind.
The tears came harder, your throat closing off.
Tanaka swung his legs over the side of the bed and put his arm around you.
What was he doing?
“Do you want to talk about it?”
You sniffled, chest quivering. What was he doing? Why did he bother?
“I’m here for you,” he said.
You had to see him.
“Can you turn on the light?”
He complied, and you rubbed your eyes to see clearly into his. His eyebrows were furrowed in concern; the light from the lamp behind him cast a shadow over his eyes, but you could see that he looked genuine. He pulled your hand into his, rubbing circles on the area below your knuckles.
“What’s going on, baby?” His voice was so full of worry.
Why?
You couldn’t talk much. You let out a frustrated whimper, willing yourself to calm down enough to say what you had to.
“Why have you been lying to me?” you finally asked.
His frown deepened. “What do you mean? Lying about what?”
Oh.
About what?
This wasn’t…
This wasn’t about Shimuzu anymore.
This was much more than Shimuzu.
But what else could you blame it on?
You took another few breaths, trying to calm down. “You know Kiyoko Shimuzu, don’t you?”
He paused. “Yes. From high school.”
“So why did you hide it?”
He sighed, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment. That was the longest moment of your life.
“Do you want the short story or the long one?”
“I want the truth, Ryuu.”
You could see him flinch at your tone. You hadn’t meant to hurt him.
“Okay.” He took a deep breath, looking reluctant. “I sucked, in high school. I sucked a lot. I was really immature. I didn’t see it at the time, but…” He shook his head, obviously remembering. “Kiyoko was my volleyball team’s manager. You’ve seen her, you know how beautiful she is. Well, she was just as pretty back then. And to me… I don’t know why, but I acted weird around her. Louder than normal, if you’ll believe it.”
You chuckled despite yourself.
“Me and my friend — we really treated her weird. We objectified her. We treated her like she was perfect, which in itself isn’t that bad, but the way we did it was wrong. We celebrated her every move. It was weird. I see that now.”
You stayed quiet, listening.
“A few years after high school ended — before I started working here, of course — we saw each other again. And again, I acted the same, saying the same things, treating her with the same… well, we had always idolized her. And it never crossed my mind how strange that was. Anyways, I invited her to coffee, and she told me all about what she had been going through. It was horrible.”
“What was it?”
“It’s not really for me to tell. You’ll have to ask her yourself, since you work with her.”
“She doesn’t like me.”
“No, she doesn’t like me. She probably knew that me and you were married which was why she was avoiding you.”
Your eyes widened. “Oh. Oh. Ryuu.”
“Anyways, at the time I didn’t understand. I felt bad that I had made her uncomfortable, increasing the anxiety she already had, and making feelings she already went through resurface twice as potent. I didn’t know what to say.”
“Is that the long story?”
He sighed. “Short. But it’s the best I can describe it all, so…”
You nodded.
You were feeling a lot better now. It had been painful — that moment that you realized that you weren’t the only person that Tanaka had ever loved. Why had it been so surprising?
You really did take advantage of him.
“I’m sorry,” you said.
“No. No, no, no. I’m sorry. I didn’t want to tell you because I was ashamed.”
“No, Ryuu. I thought you— I thought you had cheated on me.”
“Cheated?” The idea clearly seemed absurd and offensive to him. “Baby, I could never—”
“But do you still love her, Ryuu?”
He froze, studying you. “Do I still love her?”
“Like you did?” You pulled your hand out of his grip, watching him for a straight answer.
Tanaka seemed to be struggling to respond. He balled his fists and released them again, looking at the ground.
“I do still feel… the same way about her, if that makes sense—”
You were already standing. You couldn’t listen to this. You had to escape—
“Wait, Y/N, don’t—”
“I don’t want to hear about this.” You knew how immature you were being. You knew you had nowhere to go. But hearing your husband admitting to loving someone other than you—
“I don’t love her. I never did. I never loved her. And I definitely don’t now. We never had anything. But me and you, Y/N, we have everything. If this isn’t love I don’t know what is. Damn it, Y/N, please believe me.”
You wanted to believe it. It was simple. He had spelled it all out for you. Why couldn’t you believe it?
Tanaka Ryuunosuke had done everything in his power to show you how much he loved you. What more would it take?
Your feet were planted to the ground. You hadn’t taken one step. As much as you wanted to run away, as always, you couldn’t run away from him.
“I love you, Ryuu. I love you—” you whimpered, holding back a sob “—so much. I just — how can I believe that you love me?”
Tanaka stood. You slowly raised your eyes, unintentionally admiring his physique; his firm abdomen, his strong arms, his tattoo, his shoulders… all things you loved, not because they were attractive, but because you knew them. You knew him.
Your eyes met his. Tears were glittering down his cheeks, but he was smiling resiliently. “Don’t run from me,” he said, leaning towards you so that he was only centimeters away. “Run to me, Y/N. Let me—” He brushed his lips against yours. “Let me show you how much I love you.”
He kissed you firmly, holding your face. It wasn’t your first kiss. It wasn’t your first time kissing him like this. But it was just as important.
With every touch, you knew he was saying it. I love you. Dragging you closer into him. I love you. Stopping for breath only for a moment. I love you. Barely smiling against you. I love you.
“I love you. That won't change.”
His voice. A glimmering light in the darkness. A place to run.
You were out of escape tactics. You had to face it head on. You had to make sure he knew you meant it. “I love you too.”
AN: This was so much fun to write and the fic itself as well as the fact that you read it means a lot to me! I’ve had the idea floating around for awhile but last week I had to put it to paper despite all my homework (I’m suffering from this choice now). Reblogs are appreciated, and I hope that if you’re not a Tanaka simp you are one now lajasdjfkjsd >:D
NAVIGATION