Dun lang tayo sa totoo. I think ito yung mga factors that made you draw a line and made you feel we would be better as friends:
1. Na nageexpress ako ng apprehension towards you.
Sabi ko gusto ko if one day bigla mo nalang akong hindi kausapin, kaya ko parin sarili ko. I think natakot ka dun. Ayaw moko masaktan and you thought I deserved better. You thought I didn't deserve someone na hindi sigurado. Pareho tayong babae so walang clear gender role kung sino dapat maninindigan sa nararamdaman niya. Hindi mo pa kayang panindigan lingering feelings mo sakin kasi nga baka lingering lang, you may just want closure. In short, hindi ka sure.
2. "J" said 1st mo ako, nagout ka because of me kaya special.
Pagkakwento mo palang, alam ko na na tatatak yun sayo. Baka kaya may lingering feelings. I can see you rationalizing your feelings. I will always be special kasi 1st ako. I get that. May sense and logic naman. But may gut feeling ako. When I asked you, hindi ka ba worried sa lack of sparks with "G" sabi mo, sabi ko nga, hindi lang dapat sa sparks. G loves you and he makes you feel secure. May direction na klaro. At least alam mo kung sino yung nagdadrive ng relationship. You didn't say you are so in love with him kaya you still want to be with him. There's a difference.
3. Your relationship with G was too short for you to really say na nabigyan mo kayo ng enough chance to workout. The way you refer to him, the way na i-flaunt mo siya sa social media, the way na boto mga tao sa inyo and the way that even tita was more concerned na baka saktan mo siya. It all tells me that he makes things easy. That's good I guess. He makes it easy for you to choose him daily. He has this effect on you. That's great.
What if it stops? What if it gets past the honeymoon stage and you guys start having problems? He better not fucking hurt you. Will you still choose him then? Right now, madali. But it will get hard. Right now, bukambibig mo yung kilig ng how he feels about you and how he expresses it. How about how you feel about him? What happened to not settling for people na hindi ka 100% in love with? I could be way wrong. But to me it sounds like he loves you, that's why you love him. See why that's wrong? Read it again.
So? What's my point? Ayaw ko ba kay G? No. On the contrary, I'm happy for you. You found someone who won't hurt you. I hope consistent siya. Sa kwento mo kasi he also had his red flags. To be fair, who doesn't? Between him and I mas gago ako. I'm risky and you're scared I might hurt you or you might hurt me.
So honest to goodness, I am happy for you. You made a choice that breaks your pattern na kung sino pinagseselosan yun yung kasunod, though technically di naman ako pinagselosan nung una. You' re trying to grow by doing things differently. Good for you.
May what if parin between us pero we may never get an answer and that's alright. I may be convinced na ikaw yung para sa akin but that's okay if you don't feel the same way. If we get another chance?
1. Ako na magdadrive ng relationship. I would reassure you na kahit pabago bago ka ng isip ikaw pipiliin ko, even when it's fucking hard. Even through your sadness or dark days. But also on days when you are giggly and flirty and naughty. Or just plain sweet and cute. Paghihirapan ko to make it easy for you to choose me but at the same time paparamdam ko sayong you make me happy rin because you do. You make me happy kahit makausap lang kita. I will show you na I deserve you and you deserve me rin. I will make myself worthy of you. It doesn't make sense anymore why I still love you but I do. It's not supposed to always make sense. Maybe I meet someone else at ikasal ako. Still I'm convinced, we will cross paths again, malay natin baka pag byuda na tayo pareho haha. Point is, When we are ready. Right now kasi mukang hindi pa. Hindi ka lang special sa akin kasi matagal tayo or dahil malaki naging impact mo sakin in life. I just know.
2. You won't have to rationalize how you feel but there will be sparks. I will make sure of it. Papakita ko sayong may future tayo na magwowork out tayo and I will do what I can to make you feel secure with me. I will remind you na hindi lang ako special sayo kasi 1st mo ako or dahil may lingering feelings lang na kailangan ng closure. I won't let it end anymore. Hindi na kita papakawalan if given the chance. I would fight for you, for us.
3. I will make sure that if we get another chance, no strings attached sa iba. Walang lingering with anyone else. You have to be okay on your own at hindi ako eeksena ng may G ka pa. If it's meant to happen, the universe will bring us back together somehow and we will make it happen. Masasaktan at masasaktan kita, pero kailangan mangingibabaw parin yung love. You won't ever have to settle for me. I promise.
For now, be happy. Kung kayo in the end, then okay. As for me, I will live my life to the fullest with or without you. Sakin lang, I won't love anyone half heartedly like I almost did with someone after you.
August 10, 2020