Internship waffling
Maybe “waffling” is the wrong word. It’s not exactly that I’m flipping back and forth, it’s that nothing is really a good fit for me, I suppose. I wanted to work with college kids, so I applied to one college counseling center (CAPS). The other place I applied to was a Veteran’s Affairs medical/psychological... place (VA).
... It just occurred to me that the two places I applied to in earnest both interviewed me. The third was a throwaway that I went for literally because I needed to apply to nine tracks and it had several I could use as filler to up the number. I was all “Oh I only had two interviews,” completely forgetting that I only applied to two places. That “internship readiness class” was week after week of them telling me I wouldn’t get picked, telling me I wasn’t good enough, that I had to do things their way, blah blah blah...
Turns out, I did it my way, and got damn good results. That always works for me. Honestly. Because I’m an authentic person... until it doesn’t, I’m always told. But - I’m 31. I’m almost a doctor (of psychology (holy fuck)). I have yet to encounter a situation where it doesn’t work for me to be authentic.
Regardless... I don’t know what to do.
Something about the CAPS interview triggered a trauma response and I spent the rest of the day and the day after at least partially dissociated. I don’t remember the interview, I don’t remember anything poignant about the program... I don’t remember what I said, I don’t remember what they told me or how they responded. I remember my cats interrupted me and I laughed it off and made them laugh, too, because I’m a performer and my entire life is basically being cool on my feet and rolling with the punches. But something about it was bad. Yes, this was the first interview; no, that doesn’t matter. I love interviews, they’re always my favorite part of hunting for a job/practicum/internship because I get to meet new people and, in fact, the people/person I’ll be working closely with for awhile. It’s hard to explain, but it’s fun for me. So. This place is 45 minutes to 1 hour away from the apartment.
The VA who interviewed me were just... fun. I enjoyed the conversation and I enjoyed the people. They liked the questions I asked, and I loved getting to know them a little. I agree with the way that they practice and I’d get to do so much more, including neuropsych, assessment, health psych, pain management, work with other professionals in other fields, and... it’s just fun. Not to mention trauma is kind of my thing. Which... really, if I’m after trauma treatment experience, a VA is ideal. This place is 1h15min to 1h30min from the apartment.
So... do I even rank the CAPS site on my list of preferences? I don’t have to. If I do rank it and I somehow get placed there, I would be bound to go. If I don’t rank it, I don’t have a chance. Of course, there’s always the possibility that I won’t get into the VA, but... well, if they don’t fill all their spots and I don’t get in anywhere, there’s nothing saying I can’t apply again. I mean yes it’s probably frowned upon, but I’ve done ballsier things.
... And as I’m writing it’s becoming clear to me that I want to go to the VA. I really wish I wanted to go to CAPS because it’s so, so much closer. Yes, the 3ish hours of driving - or 2.5 - would really suck, probably. Would I have trouble getting myself to do the stupid thing on days when I want to cry and curl up in a ball? Yes. Would I enjoy it, learn a lot, and - assuming I pass their background check and drug test... There’s no reason for me not to, I’m under the care of a pain management specialist and I have prescriptions for everything I take... Just, knowing all that makes me feel... unworthy somehow. Y’know?
But then, as we established in the interview with the VA (I’m smiling as I write this), impostor syndrome is pretty pervasive in this field.
Okay, okay, fuck the CAPS program... But what if I’m being a complete moron saying that?
... But what if I’m not really all that interested in 20somethings. What if I really want to be the one who sits with an old vet - or a young vet - and teaches them about trauma for the first time, or helps them... lost that thought. Regardless... I think... I don’t know. It would be great to understand why I feel obligated to rank CAPS even though I clearly don’t want to go there. This post is getting long, maybe I’ll make another one to explore that.
