does josh hate logan, or resent him?
THATāSā¦ a really hard question. It varies wildly. Josh is still incredibly emotionally unstable and can sometimes shift from being neutral on someone to, well. Not.
But his feelings on Logan are incredibly complicated and as much of a mess as anything else in his life.
So, canonically - Wolverine was Joshās favorite teacher and X-Man for a very long time. Josh looked up to him because of his brutality and savagery, admired his ability toĀ ādo anythingā, and also just thought he was a cool guy. He was Joshās hero.
Ā Then he killed Northstar. I didnāt read the surrounding event so Iām not one hundred percent sure what happened, but to my understanding, he was possessed or controlled and it wasnāt his fault. Dani explained it to him and Josh grudgingly accepted it, but Wolverine was no longer the bestĀ in his eyes. He saw what Wolverine being able toĀ ādo anythingā meant, andā¦ you donāt really go back to that kind of blind worship after.
Then things start getting bad. The stuff with Danger happens - this might be before, again Iām terrible with the chronology of things - but thereās an instance where Josh is trying to heal all of the X-Men and just collapsesĀ on the floor. Loganās exact words are,Ā āthis oneās used upā and they just leave him on the floor while they go do whatever they need to do. Thereās no effort to make sure heās okay or even to get him up on one of the beds, they just leave him on the floor when heās exhausted himself to the point where he canāt move.Ā
So follow that up with his time on the X-Force. Where Logan, again, basically just uses him as a means to make sure everyone else doesnāt die. Rahne tears Joshās throat out and Logan wakes him up and gives him ten seconds to heal himself before throwing him at everyone else to save them. Josh is in miserable shape and just does it, because thatās what the X-Men have now trained him to do. No sense of self-preservation. No encouragement to take care of securing his own oxygen mask before he helps anyone else, just the demand that he hurries up and fixes someone. Which of course instills the idea that he matters less than them.
( which is why years later, he walks into a trap to save his dying friends and gets shot through the head - learned behavior )Ā
Later, he tells them point blank he doesnāt want to be a part of this. He pours his heart out and says, you know, I know what youāre doing and I donāt want to stop you but I canāt become this.Ā But I think Scott and Logan have both decided that if the X-Force is going to exist, they need a healer to patch them up. Since Angelās gone all Archangel. He gets pulled along on the mission and then ultimately stays because he feels like he has to.
They have him put the tumor in Vanisherās head and heās not happy about that. He really didnāt want toĀ but they had him do it, and sure he had fun with it, but heās also aware that he put a fucking tumor in another living personās brain. Because he hates this side of his powers and this isnāt aĀ āyou need to face your darkness to control itā kind of thing, itāsĀ āyou use them and youāre embracing something horrificā and he knows and and tries to tell them to absolute dead silence.
When he kills Kevin thatās his point of no return. He couldnāt heal ā and suddenly then theyāre fine with him not wanting to be involved and, ultimately, dropping off the map without a word. They make no effort to look for him and donāt seem to care where he is. To Josh, thatās pretty much confirmation that he was only good so long as he could heal. And it gives him such a terrible complex that when the M-Pox hits, he goes into hiding againĀ because he canāt fix it and has a crisis.
He doesnāt know if he hates Logan or not. All he knows is he doesnāt feel like he was ever a personĀ to any of them, Logan especially. He feels more like a tool that was used up and discarded than a teammate or a student whose life and future was valuable. And as a result he internalized a lot of the lessons they taught him by example. He gets into a lot of meaningless physical relationships to try to drown out the noise and guilt in his head, he uses his powers to hurt people and to his own benefit, and then has periods of just not knowing what the hell to do with himself so he does charity work or goes deeper into hiding. Heās fundamentally broken in so many ways because he was never taught proper coping mechanisms, let alone self-care.
( and in my headcanon he found the very basisĀ of schism laughable because he doesnāt think either scott or logan gave two shits about him and there they are fighting over who is better suited to lead and teach mutant kind? )
But he also just desperatelyĀ wants someone to acknowledge that he did go through something awful and it hurt him in a way he doesnāt think can everĀ be fixed. He is now one of the most powerful mutants in existence and is also one of the most lost and confused ones.Ā The entire reason heās signing up for the Brotherhood Magneto is because Erik treated him like a person, even if it was at Monetās behest, and his time on the X-Force taught him that killing absolutely a-okay and necessary for the cause. He knows heās still just a valuable tool to him, but he actually spoke to him and asked him where he wanted to goĀ instead of just pushing him at something that needed to be done with the expectation that he would do it.
He resents and despises Logan in equal measure to how much he admired and cared about him and just wanted to be treated as someone worth teaching and protecting. But if anyone treats him like a kid he lashes out, because heās notĀ a child anymore and wasnāt afforded the luxury of being treated like one long beforeĀ that became necessary.
I think all in all what he wants is for someone to guide him and heās just starting to hate everyone who expected things of him without giving him anything in return. He wants to be acknowledged but he also wants to hurt them the same way he was hurt, but then doesnāt because thatās such a terrible thing to think. He wants someone to tell him what to do but he also wants to be asked. He wants to be thankedĀ at the bare minimum, and apologized to in the most desperate and sad way. He wants a father figure but he also wants to be treated as an equal.
And he just doesnāt want to be alone anymore and wants to stop being mad.
