Stop the Stigma
It’s been a while since I posted. In typical Murphy’s law fashion, I’d no sooner started sharing my infertility story when I actually had some success! Now 22 weeks along, but have felt like sharing my pregnancy story here would be insensitive, so I’ve stayed quiet.
I wanted to share an online encounter that I had yesterday though. It has made me so mad.
There was a post on Facebook with a heartwarming story of a sperm doner who was contacted by the surrogate parents to see if he wanted to meet the child. He did, so they did, and it was beautiful.
Until I read the comments.
The surrogate couple happened to be a lesbian couple. Obviously they needed a sperm doner and some scientific intervention to conceive. By all accounts, the child looked happy and healthy and was certainly well-loved. For some reason, this lady, let’s call her Maggie, felt the need to comment on how this was akin to child abuse since a child needs guidance from both a male and a female parent.
How absurd!
Her whole premise was that an LGBTQ couple should adopt. How she had been hopeful that when same-sex marriage was legalised, that there would be a corresponding increase in adoptions and how wonderful this would be.
I kept reading.
I discovered that Maggie is apparently not ‘against gays’, but thinks that any child born of science is wrong. That ‘test tube’ babies shouldn’t exist because there are too many children waiting to be adopted.
So I asked. Does her opinion extend past LGBTQ couples into straight couples who, like me, are unable to conceive naturally?
Would you believe, she said yes! Our dear friend Maggie thinks that all ‘test tube’ babies are abhorrent. That ‘real’ babies are a blessing and should be cherished.
Excuuuuuse me??!!!!
My IVF baby IS a blessing. We have been through so much to make this baby! I didn’t just make a mistake or a bad decision! This baby has been SO loved and cherished from the moment the egg was fertilised. It will be born into a family who want its existence SO badly that they were willing to go to such lengths and put themselves through hell to make sure it was created.
Now I’m not saying that nobody should adopt, of course not. But adoption is not for everyone, just as IVF is not for everyone. It’s not always an option, and for many couples who yearn for their own child, it will never scratch that itch. And that’s nothing to be ashamed of!!
What we as a society should be ashamed of are the people like Maggie. People who judge and try to shame others. Many of the children up for adoption are there because they are unwanted. Yet Maggie doesn’t shame those mothers because those babies are ‘natural’. She’d be fine with someone falling pregnant as a result of rape, and with that baby being raised by a gay couple. But she’s not fine with a couple choosing to use science to help them make a baby??
This is what makes me mad, it’s the hypocrisy! As someone who has lived the IVF story and now, finally, writing my pregnancy chapter, I’m used to seeing opinions like this, from such small-minded (usually religious) people. It’s lucky I didn’t hear Maggie say this in real life - my mama-bear instincts may have taken over and I couldn’t be held responsible for my actions!
I am a huge advocate of speaking out against stigmas like this. We discovered pretty quickly just how common fertility issues are when we started telling people what we were going through. I had friends who I’d never known had needed help conceiving. Invariably, everyone knew someone with an experience - a sister, a cousin, a coworker.
Yet we never knew. Why? BECAUSE NOBODY TALKS ABOUT IT!!!
So I make sure I do talk about it. I’ve made sure my friends all know that they can talk to me about their fertility problems too. I will understand and maybe I can help. I can at least be that non-judgemental friend who is there with a cup of tea or a block of chocolate when you need it.
I chose to make my journey public because I am NOT ashamed. This is not my fault, it’s just how my body is. I needed help, so I got help, why try to hide it? I’m not any less of a mother because my baby was created in a lab! My baby doesn’t deserve any less love!
In the end, I hope Maggie one day sees the light. Her views are so archaic, so damaging, so small-minded. Maybe someone she knows and loves will need some fertility help some day, and maybe then she’ll realise that there’s nothing shameful about it. Meanwhile, I’ll continue the fight to stop the stigma!
