#dopesickness

[satan-said-blog]

Emerge

I kind of like the feeling of being dopesick this time. Only lightly. I like it because it is the feeling of getting clean. It is the feeling of rebirth. It is the feeling of taking my life back. I like it because it's the feeling of a toxic darkness leaving my body, of a deathly substance draining from my pores, of expulsion, of elimination. I like it so much this time maybe I'll even let myself convulse before taking a subutex. Maybe. Imagine; dancing the demons away. Moving to the sound of the sickness. Letting my strength and my resolve manifest itself through the anguished quivering of my tired but still powerful body. The light and the dark within me, fighting to the death, where the light will win. It must win. And I'll emerge soaked in sweat, panting, exhausted, victorious.

[dope-fiend-blues]

Just three more hours to go until that rat-fucking methadone clinic opens... I spent the last 20 or so hours twitching about, tossing around in the bed until the sheets were completely tangled, sneezing, the whole bit... The Xanax allowed me to sleep for a few hours but I had dreams the entire time that I was getting dope, getting methadone, etc. which just made waking up that much worse (horrible, horrible waste of good Xanax, by the way). 

Three hours doesn't sound like much... and it isn't on a normal, not-sick day. Any junkie, however, will tell you that time is relative (especially when you're dealing with assholes on the subway and whatnot).  The minutes seem like hours, and days seem like weeks...

[musingsofapharmaceuticalabu-blog]