#getting sober

[floppachoppass]

Old man thangyu strikes again

[justsomewritingcat]

I think Husk admires Angel for not letting anything take him down, not letting himself loose, not being just as passive as Husk (especially S1 Husk) is towards his life situation.

Valentino is trying to control every aspect of Angel's life, and Angel fights. Even before Charlie and Husk, Angel fought to stay at the Hotel (and considering Val's reaction when he found that out? moving out wasn't easy). He also kept his friendship with Cherri in spite of Val (and we all know how toxic relationships (aaaand a little bit of soul owning) make seeing your friends harder. Angel can stand up to Val (e. g. when Charlie showed up at the studio). He constantly tries to be the best and sexiest version of himself, even if everything around is difficult. He signed up to work at the Magic Kat, because he wanted to do drag, so he made sure he could do fucking drag. He went clean from drugs, which is an achievment in itself.

Angel, despite his situation, which is the worst of the worst, is still trying, and Husk loves that.

Because Husk? Since he lost his soul, he's a loser, and he's not doing anything about it. (Especially S1 Husk.) He's at the hotel because of Alastor, he doesn't care about anything, he drinks. The first thing he does when he's free is going to the casino to gamble and drink, where he sees Angel literally trying to achieve his dreams. No wonder he blushed this much.

Ironically, the thing Husk admires is what sometimes causes Angel to exhaust himself. He has to be perfect all the time, the best, the sexiest, the happiest, the prettiest, he's trying to achieve one dream and another, he's trying to be a better person, he's trying and trying, he pushes himself to the point of exhaustion, he doesn't know when to stop. He thinks that if he stops and sits down for even a second, he might never get up again. And after all, it's easy to not think about your shitty afterlife when you constantly have goals and deadlines to meet, right?

I think Angel could teach Husk how to motivate himself, while Husk could teach Angel how to rest

[missworld28]

Giving up boys for lent xx

[burritobowlz-n-bullshit]

Fail posting

After a strong week sober, I had a couple margaritas last night. Which I regret because

Now I feel yuck which is really putting a damper on my day,

I did it specifically to escape some uncomfortable mental health stuff, but that won’t make the mental health stuff go away it just pushes dealing with it back to a later date, and

I was really looking forward to being able to say oh, I haven’t had alcohol since October when people try to pressure me to drink at Xmas.

Oh well. Getting sober isn’t easy, otherwise we would’ve done it already. Just get right back on the horse.

And probably practice some easy grounding techniques so next time my brain suggests escaping my body I have tools ready to feel better without booze…

[alwek]

My next stint of trying to get sober starts tonight so lets see if I can make it 8 days sober this time :3

[crmsnmth]

(Insert Title Here)

It's gotten so easy to drown out the world My super powers are lethargy and apathy I wouldn't ever save the world Hell, I probably wouldn't even try I get my kicks from streaming TV shows from back in the good old days I close my eyes and for a brief second I'm there Back before everything got fucked.

I don't wear rose-tinted glasses I can see every flaw and failure Buried with expert skill as track marks on my inner arm You can find me detoxing down by the river Trying to once again make my blood clean But we've been down this road so many times and it's only a matter until we're on it again

Until they found my empty vessel dead in a public bathroom and my funeral wiill be empty No wake, and nobody wants to remember

Death doesn't scare me. I promise that I ain't no beginner But do this for me, it's been awhile and when she presses that plunger down It's lie a shotgun to the heart

Just giving everyone who loves me an out,

[gardenvarietysystem]

Picture by Adel and Rebel. Yes, that's me. And me, and me.

Poem by everyone. It's long, but an insightful read.

We call it, PSYCHOSIS

TW: DRUG USE, ABUSE, DEATH/DYING

Different pillow

Same thoughts on repeat

In my head

Dread.

Over and over

And over again...

I can't believe my dad's dead.

I told you this already,

But

That's another song,

Another poem.

Yet,

I still feel as hollow now

As I did then.

Only now,

I realize:

Moments of judgement and opinions before

Me of me by me over me through me

Over and over---

The Specific ways

People look at me.

Putting meanings,

Inscribing intentions,

All within

My memory's

Failing perception.

I think I notice things,

But I tend to only over think;

About the wrong things.

Bad things,

Harmful things.

That's why

Perception shifts,

New perspectives, and

Opinions...

Rock my world,

On the occasion.

All this still paired-

-Except with-

-HEY!

I didn't finish my thought...

...

Only now

I have been told it's anxiety

...Mayhaps,

Perhaps.

You could say,

"Adel, it's the DRUGS!"

I would say:

At this point, it certainly persists.

It insists upon itself,

In counterintuitive ways.

You See :

(I would love to get medicated and write better poems that made better sense

But instead)

I get stuck in this rut,

In this cycle, perhaps if,

I analyzed-

Remembered-

Hard enough-

I could see-

Waves

Up and down-

Patterns written on the walls.

But I would tell you:

It's been like this

For far longer

Than I've been using.

(Yet I would also tell you

I have manufactured

All of my own stress.

Whose expectations

Am I really

Failing?)

Things really weren't that bad,

Though.

I got enough!

Look at how I turned out! :)

[I have reoccurring moments of this]

[[Overwhelming]]

[[[Sense of failure.]]]

Falling short.

Not doing enough.

Not preparing enough.

Not creating enough.

And so I do nothing.

((My own))

((Just wondering why))

(((I'm like this no matter))))

What

Can

I

Say?

Somethings just make it clearer

Easier

To see.

....

Oh yes!

back to the topic at hand!

DRUGS!

In my lungs

In my belly

In my blood

In my body

Om nom nom - put them in your brain!

👁️👅 👁️

...

I digress

But I must refrain:

1) Weed was for relaxing,

2) Psychedelics, shown to me with tender care and respect.

Which Only Persisted-

it's a raw innate curiosity in how it all connects.

(Hence the over thinking thoughts and needing to assign value to variables*)

(*Others' thoughts, experiences, processes, etc)

Idk highschool,

(I have the anniversary marked in my calendar)

College

3) Went through lexapro ,

But platoed.

I was supposedly-

What I had always thought-

To be just depressed...

Maybe

I'm pre disposed

To other

Things

-tendencies-

Too.

Perhaps I insist upon it myself,

Through my own toxic patterns;

Hmm

4) All of this to say why I do cocaine.

Now, Hear me out.

I was micro dosing this stuff, three to five times a day for roughly 4-5 days a week in variety and some longer stagnations of rest,

in total it's only been just over a year.

(going on two)

It has only been more recent that-

{I quit.}

-I have

Been surrounded by

A medicated group of friends.

While I was living with those,

And Doing That.

I felt

Like them.

Not even high just

Present.

Like the moment

Insisted upon itself.

But this shit isn't sustainable,

Reliable nor truthful, within it's own self

I need sleep regulation and yet motivation...

I don't want to do it forever:

But I don't consider this bad.

Idk, I really thought about it,

Talked about it with friends.

{harm reduction}

It's not like

People didn't know.

I had friends all aware.

And concerned to varying degrees,

But they saw...

for a

Little while....

.... how it helped....

[Holy shit you could trace the ultimate fall of the [REDACTED] crew to my cocaine addiction LMAO, that's a horrible timeline all things considered.]

But thankfully that is narrow,

Things in that business

were much bigger than me.

I thought I could be...

Medicated in time...

But I couldn't keep up.

[In moments like these I worry about

Not having spent more time

With my siblings

As they grow

Up.]

And they never will again.

So, Why do I feel like I have to fix it?

Sure, I would like it to be

A treat, not a necessity.

But I am now so much more sad.

And frustrated,

That I have asked,

And tried,

And begged...

To be better.

And then

I made....

A series of bad mistakes.

And now I'm scared

I'll be without it all,

And still

Not

Diagnosed.

Bc what if-

Fuck it, I know it.

It's just me at the end of it.

We all walk our paths alone.

No one is coming to save us.

It's all just

Us.

Making

The

Decision

And

Doing

The

Damn

Things.

To get better.

10/16/24

Edited and posted 3/17/25.

Thank you.

[jesse-is-spiralling]

"just stop drinking lmao its not that hard"

okay well are you going to be there when im shaking and sweating and throwing up?? are you going to take my keys so i cant go to the liquor shop and put up with me when i scream at you for it??? are you going to hang out with me while i cant form a coherent thought for days and cant sleep but cant quite wake up either???? get me to drink some water and remind me to eat because i cant fucking think of anything else????

ive been through this before and i know how much it sucks and i'll get there on my own time but you cant just fucking expect me to pour out a bottle of wine into the sink movie-style and be cured. fuck you.