15. The scene that will give you, personally, the most joy.
@emeraldwhump go and have some fun with writing for me!
I'll enjoy this but i don't know how many others will haha
Content warnings: minor character death mention, guilt, hospital setting, grief, mention of medical prodecures
Titan Guard tag list: @nightly-whump, @angst-art-writing, @whipper-whumper, @yet-another-heathen, @why-not-whump-it, @kixngiggles, @annablogsposts, @whumpwillow, @for-the-love-of-angst (let me know if you'd like to be added!)
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Lulan always figured that he could hold a good stoic expression. It had been helpful in the past when it came to dealing with bad news. It probably wasn’t quite as good as Ganex’s or even Lexus’, but it had always managed to be enough for him. It always seemed like a good quality in leaders, which hopefully some day he would be. Holding it for several hours on end, now that turned out to be a little harder.
Frankly, he was amazed he was still standing unscathed after the explosion. His balance still felt a little off from having to donate blood, but really he was fine. Only he and Byruk managed to walk away from the disaster with a few scraps and bruises. Everyone else was worse off in one way or another, and some…
Far, far worse.
He sat in the post-op room next to Lexus’ bed, where she still rested while recovering from her leg wound. His eyes wandered over to the opposite side to another cot, where their friend Dosair still laid and struggled through each breath. Byruk and Alek sat next to him, somber expressions on all their faces. At least Alek was up and moving now, albeit with one arm in a sling and a nasty bruise on the side of his head.
It was hard to see Dosair like this. He almost looked like a body embalmed, skin deathly pale where it wasn’t covered by gauze concealing burns from the fire. Part of one leg and one arm was gone, Talic wasn’t able to save them, and tubes stretched out across his body in a web Lulan couldn’t even think to begin untangling. His eyes were closed, but they weren’t sure if he was resting or even knew what was going on around him. Just a few days ago he looked normal, he looked fine. Now he was almost unrecognizable.
But he was alive, that’s what mattered. He was lucky, which they couldn’t say for Lylimeph, Prash, Koladi, and Hōdek.
There were only eight of them left now. How could there only be eight of them left? They left Maltrina with thirty-one of the best fighters in the Titan Guard. In the whole Pax Rebel military. Thirty-one. It didn’t make sense that they would find themselves barely hanging onto survival so far away from home. Lulan sighed, thinking a bit of twisted humor to himself. He remembered when he thought the other side of their planet was impossibly far away from home. The thought was almost funny now.
In a rather sick kind of way.
I hate this planet.
His ears twitched at the sound of footsteps coming back into the space. Ganex stepped in, followed by Talic and Zanvir behind him. There was that strong, stoic look Lulan remembered, if a bit shaded with the curtain of tragedy that fell over all of them. Talic and Zanvir looked a little worse for wear after spending hours trying to keep everyone alive.
“How is he doing?” Ganex asked as he came and sat by the end of the cot.
“Uh,” Alek cleared his throat and tried speaking in a low voice, “Okay, I think. Not really sure if he’s awake.”
“Hm.” Talic came over by the head of Dosair’s cot and checked his vitals. Lulan could see his exhaustion in each movement he made. Losing four teammates was hard for all of them, but he imagined being the one to try saving and still losing them was weighing heavily on Talic. All of them watched as he gave Dosair another dose of painkillers before turning back to him.
“Hey, DoDo,” Talic leaned in close to his ear and spoke clearly, “Can you hear me? How you doing, bud?”
All eyes were on Dosair, waiting, hoping there would be a response. The only sounds heard were Dosair’s labored breathing and the machines working to keep him alive. The air felt cold in the few second before his fingers twitched and he let out a breathy “Y-yeah…”
A small smile appeared on Talic’s face as they all let out a collective sigh. Lulan smiled too. This was good, Dosair was going to get better now. The light at the end of the tunnel was looking brighter now.
“That’s good,” Talic grabbed his bioscanner from his front pocket, “I just need to check a few readings and tests, it’ll be quick.”
He switched on a small light on the end and shined it into each of Dosair’s eyes. All of them watched as he took notes on Dosair’s response time, neural activity, blood pressure, every little thing it seemed like. But it was done with such precision that it barely took any time at all. Lulan admitted to himself that watching Talic work was always interesting. One of the best medical professionals he’d ever known.
“Alright, that wasn’t too bad, was it? Pain meds should be working now. Need anything else, DoDo?”
“Can…” Dosair’s fingers twitched on his stomach, struggling to lift as he pointed to himself. “W-Water… dry…”
“Yeah, sure. Byruk, can you get a glass of water?”
Byruk nodded and stood quickly to retrieve one. While he was away, Alek shifted closer to his side. “How are you feeling, DoDo?”
“Mm, shit…” Dosair tried to give him a half-smile. “You look like… you need… naptime.”
“Ha ha.” Alek rolled his eyes, but it did make him smile a little. At least Dosair’s wry humor was still intact.
Byruk came back with a glass of water and handed it to Talic. The group watched as he helped Dosair lift his head to drink. Lulan thought the sight was strange. It was only a few days ago all of them were working together, training and laughing like nothing was wrong. He was fine, happy. All of them were.
At least now he was awake.
He was going to be fine.
“The pain medication is bound to wear off in a few hours or so,” Talic told him as he set aside the now empty glass, “Just let me know when it gets too bad, okay?”
Dosair winced as he tried to shift underneath his sheets. His head rolled to the side, facing Talic and Ganex. “Others… hurt…?”
It felt like a stone dropped in Lulan’s stomach, and he was sure the same was felt all across the room. He was bound to ask the question at some point. Dosair wasn’t dumb, he knew there was no possibility he was the only one who was hurt in the explosion. Even his exhausted expression held anxiousness in the waiting to the response. Lulan looked up at Talic and Ganex, who exchanged sad looks with each other.
This was going to crush him.
“It… got bad,” Talic finally broke the silence, “We lost some people. Prash… Koladi… Hōdek…”
“Lylimeph…? Dosair let out a tearful sigh, “Okay…?”
Lulan bit down on his lip and exhaled sharply. That’s right, he thought. Dosair had a thing for her, it wasn’t surprising that he would ask about her first. He noticed Talic fidgeting more, wringing his hands together as he tried to think of the right words to break the news. Ganex rested a hand on his shoulder, nodding once as they locked eyes. Talic sighed and looked back at Dosair.
“She’s resting now. And you need to rest more too, so you can see her in a bit. Okay?”
Lulan blinked.
What?
What did he just say? Did he mishear what Talic actually said? He looked around at the rest of the team. Only Ganex and Zanvir seemed to not be as surprised as he was. The rest of them look at each other in confusion and growing hurt. He felt his heartbeat start to pick up and his breath quicken, a complete contrast to Dosair’s sigh of relief as he rested back against his pillow.
“O-Okay… good…” Lulan felt the wrongness growing in his chest at the growing relaxed expression Dosair had. His eyes darted back at Ganex, who looked around the rest of them with somberness.
“We will leave you to catch up on some rest, Dosair,” Ganex said in a gentle voice, “The rest of you, let’s keep any discussions or questions outside of the medbay, understood?”
There was silence in the moments following. Like Lulan, the others seemed just as baffled and unsure of how to respond. Zanvir was the first, nodding with a grunted ‘yes’ which prompted Alek and Byruk to reply in kind.
Lulan said nothing.
He couldn’t stay in the room any longer, not with how he felt his chest pounding up into his ears with each passing second. Without a word, he stood and stormed out, positive it probably raised some eyebrows as he left. He didn’t care what everyone else thought about him. He was angry, and they could deal with it.
He walked until he reached the bunks, opening up his and Talic’s room and slumping against the wall. He glared off into space, feeling a growing heat behind his eyes and hoping it wasn’t tears. He growled, pressing his forehead to his knees and gripping the ends of his hair. Lulan had never really been one to cry. For him, the same energy that went into tears was better spent doing something useful, or something to just get the energy out.
But he hadn’t quite felt like this before. And it was overwhelming.
Why did he have to keep losing friends? It wasn’t fair, monumentally not fair. His hands balled into tight fists, already shaking as he tried to breathe through it. They lost so many friends already. Their whole team was almost gone, killed far from home and buried on a strange planet. And now they had to do it again, but this time it seemed while lying to their friends in the process.
It. Wasn’t. Fair.
Lulan wasn’t sure how much time had passed before he heard the sound of footsteps outside the room. He looked up to see Talic opening up the room across from theirs, Dosair’s room. Without thinking, Lulan sprang to his feet and caught Talic’s shoulder before he stepped inside.
“Why did you say that to him?” He ignored the flinch in Talic’s shoulders as he whipped him around. “Why’d you let him believe Lylimeph is okay?”
“Lulan, we…” Talic’s voice was heavy with exhaustion, “We talked it over, and… for the condition he’s in now, we believed it would be easier. Give him some time to come to terms with it.”
“But you lied to him! He’s gonna be waiting to talk to her, and it’ll crush him when he finds out she’s dead!”
Talic tried to respond, but couldn’t manage any words. He just looked at Lulan with regret and sorrow. And it felt like the final nail in the coffin. He wanted to deny it, not think about it. But reality never cared what he wanted.
“So he is going to die.” The tension in Lulan’s throat was enough to break his voice a little. “Why couldn’t you just say it to his face?”
“Lulan, he’s just barely woken up. I don’t want to hit him with everything at once before he’s ready!”
“That’s not your fucking choice to make!” Lulan’s voice rose to a shout. “Dosair should be able to face the truth without us interfering, but you want to lie and take that dignity away from him?! How the hell do you justify that?!”
He saw the tension growing in Talic’s jaw as he tried to remain steady. But he glared back at him with the same anger and pain.
“If you’re angry about me not telling you about Dosair’s condition until now, then I’m sorry,” Talic snapped back, “But don’t you dare make this about some betrayal of confidence to you or the others. For better or worse, this is what we’ve decided is going to be easiest for him before he goes.”
“I guess you have enough practice taking care of dying strangers,” Lulan growled at him. “But I figured you’d have a little more sympathy for someone you actually care about!”
“…Stop it, Lulan.”
“We’re a team, we’re supposed to be there for each other when things are fucking impossible! That’s supposed to mean something to you!”
“Shut up.”
“But you’d rather make it easier on yourself and lie to Dosair like he’s a child!”
“What else am I supposed to do?!” Talic hollered at the top of his lungs, making Lulan flinch. In an instant, he finally noticed the bags under Talic’s eyes, the sullen look of exhaustion and grief that hung over him as he shook with anger. He wasn’t sure why he didn’t see it as clearly before. He certainly did now with Talic screaming in his face.
“I did everything I could to keep them alive, all of them! And nothing about it is fucking easy! I did everything right, everything I was supposed to do, and I still couldn’t fix it! He’s lost his liver, both fucking kidneys, half his intestines, and a whole lung! You can’t live without those things, you can’t fix them! I can’t fix any of it! I’m not a miracle worker! You don’t have any idea what this has been like, none! So don’t give me a fucking lecture over what’s easy or right!”
Lulan stood in stunned silence, unable to think of a response as the hallway echoed Talic’s shaky breath. Talic never got angry, not even when he was frustrated. But here, Lulan saw he’d struck a deep and painful nerve and brought it out into the light.
“The best we can all do for him now is make him comfortable as he goes. “Talic stared daggers into him with glistening eyes. “Until then… do not go thinking this is just another case to me. He’s my friend too.”
Neither of them spoke, standing in a cover of tension and anger thick enough to cut with a knife. They glared at each other, a silent dare for the other to say one more word. It was distracting enough that neither of them heard the sound of footsteps heading towards them.
“What is going on here?!” Both of them flinched at Ganex’s voice snapping the silence away. They stepped away from each other, Lulan lacing his fingers behind his neck and Talic covering his mouth with one hand. Neither of them looked at Ganex as he approached.
“Well? Either of you, hm?” They knew he wouldn’t leave without some kind of answer. Lulan turned back toward him, staring at the floor as he tried to think of what to say.
“We’ll be fine…” Talic murmured first, “Just… disagreement.”
“I understand,” Ganex sighed, “that keeping yourselves together feels an impossible task right now. And there will be time for us to grieve in the way we need to, but it is not now and not by going after each other. Is that clear, both of you?”
Talic and Lulan took a moment to breathe, collecting themselves before turning back to Ganex, without looking at each other again.
“Yes, sir.”
“…Yes, sir.”
“Now… Talic, gather the things Dosair asked for. I will speak to each of you personally, when this is all over.”
Talic nodded and went back into Dosair’s open room. Lulan watched him come back out with two pillows before walking past them back to the med bay.
“DoDo’s pillows?” Lulan’s voice was barely above a whisper now.
“Yes,” Ganex nodded, “He wanted them for his neck, says that he won’t be able to sleep with them otherwise.”
Lulan bit down on his lip until it felt like it would bleed. His sight blurred, and it nearly shocked him as tears started spilling over his cheeks.
“It’s…” he exhaled slowly, “It’s not right, Ganex. It’s not fair to him. It… It’s not fucking fair.”
Ganex’s expression softened and he rested a hand on his shoulder. “Whether it’s fair or not is something we’ll have to decide later, but I’m sorry you had to find out this way. Blame me if you want to be angry, but do just one thing.”
“What?” Lulan quickly wiped away the tears.
“Make peace with Talic when this is over. The coming months are going to be harder, and we need to rely on each other more than ever.”
“Fine,” Lulan grumbled, but then sighed and shook his head, “No, I—I will, I promise. I don’t think I meant any of it, but… I’ll make it right.”
Ganex sighed, “We will tell him when the time comes, but no one will blame you if you need some time alone—"
“No,” Lulan cut him off, “I’ll be fine. I… I want to be there for him.”
“Alright then.” Ganex swung his arm over Lulan’s shoulders and the two of them walked back toward the med bay. Neither of them spoke again, Lulan trying to breathe through the wave of emotion trying to overtake him. He didn’t feel ready to face it, but it wasn’t really up to him now. He need to be there for Dosair, for all of them.
Whatever came next, they had to be there for each other.
