What was the internet like in the year 2000? It's hard to remember after so many years of gin, so we took a refresher course, courtesy of DotComedy
Ah, Space Year 2000, the dawn of the internet. Dial-up modems, AltaVista, BonziBuddy pop-ups... other stuff?
We travelled back in internet time and watched an episode of Channel 4's flagship internet show, DotComedy.
If you don't remember it, DotComedy was a late-night Channel 4 show that dug through the depths of this exciting new thing called the internet, and attempted to turn what it found into something approximating entertaining television.
So, what did we learn?
Well, the Channel 4 announcer promises that we're going to see sexy cyberstuff, and warns that the programme "contains nudity and strong language." Cor!
Then we meet our hosts, Gail Porter, fresh from having had a nuddy picture of her projected onto the House of Commons, and a very young Chris Addison, now better-known for playing Ollie in The Thick of It.
They begin with a round-up of 'internet news'
This week, apparently, everyone’s been terrified of being sent e-mail viruses and pictures of Chris Addison's face being photoshopped onto a naked lady.
There's a video of a man doing a stage dive that appears to end in horrible injury. Gail Porter does a joke about Stomp, because it's the year 2000 and people still cared about Stomp!
Then there's grainy video footage of a baby having a fight with a cat
And a genuinely horrible picture of a man being sick
We're not going to reproduce it here. If you want to see a man being sick, Google it, or make a man sick.
Then we get to the weekly Web Hero feature - this week it's David Miller, webmaster of an 'internet adultery service' called Loving Links
He proudly explains that his site is particularly popular with bored female academics, who are just waiting for a high-powered lawyer or businessman ('stormtroopers', he says, slightly ominously) to sweep them off their feet.
“I set loving links up because I really believe in adultery," says David. What a guy!
But the site is still going, and David's still at the helm, writing a regular blog of adultery advice.
He writes:
I finally did my ‘Expert’ page at self growth site which is a bit like ‘linked in’ but it has a section for ‘passion experts’ which I am - no section however for ‘pussy’ experts but I will live with that!
Stay classy, Dave!
Meanwhile on DotComedy, up next is a peculiar feature called RAM Raiding
RAM Raiding involves Chris Addison waving a floppy disk which apparently contains the entire contents of an audience members' hard drive, like some sort of light entertainment NSA official.
This week's unfortunate victim is Dan Sheridan - and it's thanks to him uploading this special memory that we were able to experience this delightful programme again
Poor old Dan has to sit there whilst Addison and Porter go through his bookmarks, finding sites that make funny farting noises, sites with rude games about touching ladies, and awww, a photo gallery of his fiancee. They also show a photo a bare man e-mailed him.
Dan's hobby turns out to be writing poems so, for no explicable reason, disc jockey Simon Bates is brought out to read one of them, accompanied by his trademark Our Tune music. Thankfully this experience didn't discourage Dan, who still has a website dedicated to his poetry.
With Dan's torture over, our hosts play a fun internet flash game that's been specially made for the show
In Madonna's Cravings, you play Guy Ritchie, and try to satisfy your pregnant wife's unusual culinary desires. Disappointed you missed your chance to play it? Don't worry, someone kept a copy so it's still online. SPOILERS: It's crap!
Sadly, or possibly thankfully, the second half of the episode was missing
We weren't able to see the promised features from the second half: The 'scarier than ever' World of Smut, Inside Rock Star's Pants, Tickling Perverts, and Bouncing Beach Boobs.
You can watch the first part below:
The only other evidence we could even find for the programme's existence was a short clip of a feature about a man who likes being trampled by women, and horses. He get trampled by some women wearing pony-skin clothing, and Gail Porter joins in.
We don't want to think too much about why that particular clip made it to YouTube
So, what has our trip back in time taught us about the internet in 2000?
It was full of perverts, over-earnest creativity, videos of unpleasant things happening to people, and pictures of cats.
Thank goodness we've all grown out of that sort of thing these days
On Dad trying to access an Apple photo stream link from a 2008 Dell desktop tower (age of monitor not yet carbon-dated)
Dad: You wanna talk to your grandma?
Me: Oh, so you're at grandpa and grandma's?
Dad: [silence]
Grandma: Hello!
Me: So... my dad's teaching you how to use Gmail?
Grandma: He's showing me all the things he can't do.
Me: It's pretty amazing, right?
Grandma: [laughs]
Grandma: He's over here cleaning the carpets
---- my parents just bought a 'spot cleaner' for pet stains -----
Grandma: for free. We get it cleaned every other year, so there can't be that much dirt. But there is. Your dad cleaned it once before already. This is the second time. A third and I'm going to have to feed him! [to my dad: You're done talking to her, right?]
