i made "the 501st goes to Target", "the disaster lineage goes to Target", "The Clone Wars Squad ™ (+Satine) goes to Target", "The Rebels go to Target", "The Original Trilogy Gang Goes To Target", and now I give you
The Driods of Star Wars go to Target (chaos ensues):
R2d2: well, he’s been here many times before. He acts like he owns the place. He rolls around the aisles showing bb8 and D-O all the “cool” spots and best ways to cause chaos. Bb8 and D-O chirp excitedly, because if uncle r2 says its okay, then it must be, right?
This is a long way of saying r2 is the best bad influence ever.
oh man, the chaos this little droid causes. Surprisingly, he doesn’t get banned (only bc 3po and Ap-5 talk the manager out of it), but it’s a close one.
r2 runs around screaming, throwing things at his friends. he and chopper WREAK havoc hiding under shelves and pretending to be large plastic versions of themselves (they are, after all, galactic heroes. of COURSE target has plastic figurines of them, some may even be life sized). once they are hidden, they jump out at whoever walks through, friends and strangers alike.
seriously, it’s a miracle they don’t get kicked out.
r2 also rolls around holding a giant yoga ball above his head while chasing AP-5, who is swearing like a pilot.
He and 3po go around the store once everything quiets down. On occasion r2 would project a holo-recording of anakin or leia or obi-wan or luke and it would be like they were really there with them. and at that moment, they were. the memories may be tinged with blue and static, but it was there all the same.
r2 would coo softly when he saw the faces of those he loves laughing and loving him right back. but then the holo-vid ends. and he and 3po are alone once again.
3po: he showed bb8 and and D-O how to shop responsibly and where to find the best deals. He, Ap-5, and k2so all tell their respective crews the odds for different reasons, which they rant about to each other
Ap-5 and k2so love each other’s sarcasm, but
3po is like their older brother and so they make sure he understands their jokes.
3po makes a sarcastic comment to r2 after hanging out with Ap-5 and k2so and r2 didn’t know if he should break the two droids or cheer. (he short circuited instead).
he did the shopping, of course. after all, he was the oldest, and he knew exactly what to buy and where to buy it. bb8 and D-O excitedly rolled after him and took mental notes on how 3po was shopping, before getting distracted and rolling off to play w Az.
3po didn’t mind, he was happy to watch the two young droids play.
r2 came over to 3po after the shopping was done and he was just looking around. at first, 3po was wary, because he thought his companion was trying to get him involved in a prank, but nevertheless, shuffled after r2.
they want from hall to hall, looking at holo-recordings that r2 had saved of their friends. the last one r2 played was in the hair product aisle, and he projected a video of obi-wan and anakin bickering over shampoo and over if obi-wan uses that fancy pomade or not. then ahsoka comes over and they start arguing over 3-in-one shampoo (anakin is all for it, obi wan is appalled, ahsoka doesn’t even have hair and she knows that 3-in-one is horrible).
the recording ends and the images freezes and so do their friends. the smiles are still on their faces except for when little bits of static disrupt the image.
3po and r2 stand looking at the images for a long time. 3po’s hand resting on the dome of his silver little friends. they wished the smiles in real life could have stayed on their friends' faces as long as they did in the images frozen in time.
Bb8: he had never been to a target before. Poe preferred space-costco, so this was a new experience for bb8. D-O had never gone either, so bb8 and his friend raced around the hallways, ricocheting off of the shelves as they rounded counters.
3po taught bb8 where to find the best deals on groceries, even though bb8 wouldn't actually need to buy food for himself. r2 the reminded 3po that astromechs don’t tend to buy groceries for their owners, but bb8 wanted to learn anyway.
D-O got bored and rolled off with r-2 after a bit, but bb8 spent nearly a half hour eagerly listening to Professor 3po.
at the end of the day, he used his allowance to buy Poe a target gift card, just to have an excuse to come back with him.
K2s0: he jokes around with the employees. They make jokes about idiotic customers and how stupid people can be. The employees say that some of the worst customers are the obnoxious ones, to which k2s0 replies that he is unfortunately good friends with a lot of those customers.
As if on cue, r2 and chopper come screaming around the corner, with bb8 and D-O on their heels.
“Like them,” one of the cashiers say.
K2so just sighs and gives them each a handful of credits and then jogs off to catch his friends.
Later, he runs into a very grumpy manager who k2so has seen yelling at employees and making them cry for doing nothing.
So, naturally, k2so trolls him big time. He pretends to joke around with him the same way he did with the cashiers, but this time he is absolutely making fun of him. Once the manager catches on, k2s0 bluntly admits to trolling him, tells him his shoes are dumb, and then books it out of the store, carrying D-O underhis arm.
When they all get home, he lectures them all on being more well behaved because they were making the employee’s lives harder. He did this in a very sarcastic way, of course. It was like if space-john mulaney gave you a lecture.
To his credit, r2 and chopper were a little quieter the next time they went to the store.
AP-5: wants to spend as little time in the store as possible. He plans to get the groceries and g o. He doesn't want to be around people or droids or anything that can hold a conversation, he just wants to get a box of bolts to fix Sabine's bedroom doorway with, and some instant space-foods since The Ghost was going to be traveling in hyperspace for a really long jump. But when is he ever that lucky?
The version AP-5 tells Hera is that Chopper was running around screaming (which, to his credit, is not untrue), and that he had to intervene.
The truth is that AP-5 helped chopper create a chaos prank because he knew it was going to happen either way, and he wanted to mitigate the circumstances. He told sabine and kanan the truth when they cornered him bc they didn’t believe him (neither did hera, but she knew he would never fess up to her bc she would make him babysit as punishment. again).
The actual truth was that AP-5 came up with the idea, which he and chopper then executed, and later came up with a worse version that AP supposedly mitigated.
They said chopper was going to just knock down a bunch of shelves.
I n s t e a d he would take things from people’s cart when they weren't looking while Ap-5 distracted them, and then like put them on a shelf later, or in their cart right as they are loading stuff onto the belt.
When he wasn’t making customers question their sanity, his cargo manifest instincts kicked in. he found himself taking inventory of the whole store though multiple rounds, and would tell the employees when he noticed a shelf ran out of a popular item, much to their severe annoyance.
But he had fun.
He also bought a stuffed space-bird creature, the ones that surrounded him when he was floating and space and having a *main character moment*.
Chopper: chaos. Only chaos.
He spends his time scaring the living starlights out of people, screaming (crying, throwing up), freaking out customers by moving their items around, being a bad influence on his younger brothers (bb8 and D-O), buying himself a new cat toy to add to his now-too-big collection, and buying a birthday present for Hera. the wholesomeness ruined his chaotic facade, but hey, he has to stay the favorite kid somehow.
K2sO loves chop. Or, rather, he likes watching chopper cause chaos, until chopper upsets his new target-employee-besties, and then chopper gets yelled at by k2.
It made it into chopper’s top five most terrifying experiences, right under when Ezra once told Luke that chopper was like the r2 of the ghost, and r2 almost strangled ezra. It was hard for even chopper to tell who was more insulted: r2 or chopper (or luke tbh).
He and r2 are literal besties, despite r2 being like nearly two decades older and technically in charge. Chopper did at one point ask if they could steal a mannequin to put in a closet and scare ezra, and r2 said no.
However, he promised he would carry Ap-5 to a closet on the ghost when he was in recharge cycle to make up for it.
Chopper also bought ezra a can that when you open it a fake snake pops out, just in case the Ap-5 plan never follows through.
D-O: baby’s first shopping excursion. The little droid didn’t go out much before, especially not on shopping trips. The sith in him makes him a little chaotic, but that also be bc of his big brother chopper and uncle r2.
yeah, it’s definitely because of chopper and r2.
D-O is eager to learn anything, everything he can. 3po is happy to teach him about stores and deals and shopping. bb8 was interested for a short while before running off with r2, but D-O remained FASCINATED for as long as 3po was talking.
He is technically older than bb8, but everyone forgets this and treats him like the baby, including bb8.
D-O doesn’t mind.
AZ: so, AZ not only didn’t know Target existed, he had ever heard of the concept of a store before. Everything he ever needed was on Kamino without fail, and it wasn’t in his programming to inquire where it came from. He doesn't know what anything is so he constantly asks questions about everything, even items that he literally has seen before (like bowls or shirts). He would ask why they were here and not on Kamino, and if Tipoca City got their supplies from target.
No one knew how to tell AZ that it doesn’t really matter, because it’s not like Tipoca City needs much of anything anymore.
He gets a little overwhelmed in the best way at all the cool stuff. He zooms around, picking up one thing only to drop it again to go look at something else that caught his eye. 3po trailed behind him to out everything back properly, and K2so followed AZ to make sure he didn’t overload his circuits, and to catch him if he did.
Az was dismayed at the medical aisle section, especially at the % bacta in the ointments and band-aids and whatnot. He thought it was an outrage that there was so little bacta in the disinfectant and bandages, and asked how this would heal a blaster wound.
K2so then informed him that most people wouldn’t go to the target pharmacy to treat a blaster wound.
After the initial ten minutes of chaos and questions, AZ settled down and quietly hovered around, before buying a kid’s t-shirt that was meant for a birthday, thought AZ wasn’t sure why it resonated with him so much since the shirt was plain and only had a single number on it:
5.
