Love has always been my greatest desire, yet my biggest fear.
I was terrified by how fast I caught feelings for you.
I was blindsided by your energy.. I’ve never felt such a light soul residing so deep in the darkness as mine.. yet able to keep it lit so bright.
It didn’t make sense to me how quickly I could fall.. nor how easily it was to.
Love has never come that easy.. Not for me. For anyone, seeming as though for everyone else .. but never for me.
I couldn’t accept it. I refused to accept it. I pushed all of the emotions down.. the happy, the laughter, the smiles, the safe, comfortable sense of home. It scared me just how comfortable, just how safe, just how much of that “home” I was feeling. It all seemed too surreal.
I pushed you away. As much as I could.. but seeing you still. Feeling you still..
The strength of a tether.
I. Pushed you.. away.
For that I don’t think I could ever apologize enough. Not for pushing you nor for denying the way I felt about you.
The way you looked at me. The way your eyes glistened when they met mine. The smile that crept across your face alongside mine..
I’m sorry .. I would never hold it against you if you refuse to forgive me. I’m here still beating myself for it.
I am so sorry.
I pushed you away.
Now I’m running away. From love. From reality. From life.
To re do once again. Maybe I’ll get it right this time. Maybe I’ll learn to love myself and allow myself to give and receive the love I so desire.
You showed me I can be.
I never thought anyone could see me..
Could hear me..
Could feel me..
Could understand me..
Most definitely not love someone like me.
You showed me.
Your words. Your wisdom. Your heart.
You saw me. No one has ever seen me. You saw me and you still loved even the darkest pieces of me.
Thank you .. I could never thank you enough for that.
I hope one day I can allow myself to express myself the way you have to me. To be able to speak so much light and love fiercely and freely… maybe next time not so late.
↳ Hyunjin drinks too much and some how always ends up knocking on the girl who lives across the hall door. They have fallen into a routine of her taking care of him.
word count: 8k
warnings: this one is a heavier story. There’s lots of talk of a drinking problem and of alcoholism, cussing, angst, talks of depression and ptsd from an accident.
an: this is a reworking of one of my stories from my old tumblr spidery-babe-parker.
Drunken nights led to him normally stumbling across the hall to his neighbor’s dorm. She had grown accustomed to her late-night visitor. It wasn’t even like she and Hyunjin were exactly friends. They used to talk in passing when they would meet in the hallway, but they never hung out or anything.
He started walking across the hall when he was drunk after one drunken night when he got locked out of his dorm and had to knock on his neighbor’s door. He wasn’t expecting his neighbor (y/n) to let him in let alone take care of him the next morning when he was drunk out of his mind.
It was another night that started out calm but ended with him getting drunk surrounded by a lot of frat guys and sorority girls.
Stumbling down the hallway he reached for his own door. The moment his hand touched the door knob he stopped at the sound of the door across the hallway opening. He looked over to see (y/n) standing in the doorway in her pajamas and her hair in a messy bun and her round glasses covering her eyes while she was staring at him.
“Hey Hyunjin,” she said softly.
“Hey neighbor,” he leaned back against the wall as he slurred his words.
“Are you locked out?” she asked knowing that drunk Hyunjin always lost his keys and his roommate Chan was rarely actually in their room at night.
He lied and nodded his head. His room key was in his pocket, but he would much rather spend time with her, and have her take care of him.
“You want to sleep on my couch?” she asked knowing that her roommate wouldn’t be coming home. She went out to see her boyfriend for the night.
“I would like that,” he slurred, pushing himself off the wall.
He leaned forward and almost fell on his face. He was stopped by (y/n) reaching out to stop him from falling.
“Be careful Hyunjin,” she reached down and grabbed his wrist to lead him into her dorm room.
They seemed to have fallen into a routine, where she would hear a very drunk Hwang Hyunjin stumbling down the hallway and open her door to check on him, and most nights he would crash on her couch. Every morning when he would wake up, he would find Advil and a bottle of Gatorade sitting on the coffee table in her empty dorm.
Hyunjin didn’t know a ton about (y/n) and he wasn’t even sure if they really even talked when he wasn’t drunk out of his mind. Most times when they would see each other when they were sober, they would just say simple hellos and go their own ways.
He stumbled into her dorm and went and sat on his normal spot on her couch. She walked over and sat cross legged on the chair across from him and watched as she fumbled with his shirt. Some nights he would fall asleep completely clothed and then other nights he would attempt to get out of his clothes and strip down to his boxers. The nights he tried to strip he would complain that he’s hot. She couldn’t help but wonder if maybe she should get pajamas to keep for him at her place.
“Hyunjin you okay?” she asked, watching him struggle with the buttons on his shirt.
He looked up at her with squinted eyes and then back down at his shirt.
“Can you help me unbutton this, I’m too warm,” he whined.
“Yeah,” she sat up and knelt on the ground in front of the couch and worked on getting his shirt unbuttoned. Everything between them suddenly felt intimate. Out of all the times he was stripped in her dorm he had never asked her to help him. Her fingers accidentally dragged across his toned stomach as she got the last few buttons.
She didn’t understand how he could have that nice of a body with all the alcohol he seemed to drink constantly. His hazy eyes were locked on her as he watched her unbutton his shirt. He wanted to reach out and touch her but he couldn’t do it. He knew that was a line that he shouldn’t cross.
“Are you thirsty?” she asked standing up.
He nodded his head silently as he removed his shirt.
She walked over to the small kitchen area and pulled out a bottle of water from the fridge and walked over and handed it to Hyunjin. Walking back over and sat down on the chair across from him. Her eyes couldn’t help but admire his toned body. Her wandering eyes moved up to his arm where a decent sized scar ran up towards his shoulder. She had never actually ever asked him what had happened to his arm. She had heard a few rumors about a bad car crash he was in, but she didn’t know who truthful they actually were.
“Do you have class in the morning?” he asked knowing that he was probably keeping her up.
She nodded her head, “Yeah I do.”
“What time?”
“Eight in the morning,” she sighed knowing at max she was only going to get like four hours of sleep.
He ran his fingers through his hair as he suddenly felt guilty, “oh fuck, sorry for keeping you up.”
“It’s fine, I like to know you’re safe,” she gave him a light smile. She preferred knowing he was safe and asleep on her couch, that way if anything happened to him, he wouldn’t be alone.
“I drank way too much,” he groaned, already feeling his headache kicking in.
Hwang Hyunjin was well aware of the fact that he had a drinking problem. It wasn’t that he was an alcoholic, but when he went to parties, he couldn’t just drink a little he always got hammered. He didn’t feel the need to drink every day, but if it was a party those were excuses to get drunk.
(Y/n) was an observant girl and quickly realized living across from Hyunjin that he was pretty self-destructive. The first time she found him stumbling in the hall she felt the need to take him in to make sure he was okay. She had this terrible fear of him getting alcohol poisoning, and so every chance she got she brought him in after parties to watch after him. She didn’t mind going to her morning class half-awake if she knew he was safe.
“Why don’t you get some sleep?” she asks standing up. She was exhausted herself and wanted to get a couple hours of sleep before class. She reached under the coffee table and pulled out a pillow and blanket she stored under there for Hyunjin. He laid down and she walked over to cover him up and tucking him in.
“Why are you so nice to me?” he mumbled.
“Because I’m worried about you,” she sighed.
“I wished my sober self-took the effort to get to know you,” his hazy eyes looked up into her big eyes.
“I wish you did too,” she sighed, wishing that she was pretty enough to attract the attention of the boy laying on her couch in front of her when he wasn’t actually drunk out of his mind. “Get some sleep Hyunjin,” she softly said as she walked off towards her bed.
-&-
The bright light shining through the curtains woke Hyunjin up. The second his eyes opened he was made very aware of how bad his hangover was. Looking over on the coffee table he saw a Gatorade and a few orange pills sitting on top of a note.
He held up the note and smiled while reading it.
Hyunjin,
I know you’re probably super hungover. Please take the Advil and drink all of that Gatorade. Sorry I left you alone, I had to go to class.
-(YN)
He slowly sat up and took the pills and started chugging the Gatorade. He reached onto the floor and grabbed his button up shirt and pulled it on not even bothering to button it. He reached on the floor and picked up his shoes and with the other hand held onto his bottle of Gatorade she had left for him. Slowly he made his way out of her door and across the small hallway to his door room. Reaching into his pocket he pulled out his key that he lied to (y/n) and said he didn’t have and opened his door. He found Chan sitting at his desk working on something.
“Where were you last night?” Chan asked, turning around to look at his very hungover roommate.
“I was at (y/n)’s,” he walked over and threw himself down on his bed.
Chan pushed his eyebrows together wondering why Hyunjin always stayed at her place when he was drunk. He knew that they weren’t friends or anything like that.
“So, do you like her?” Chan asked curiously.
Hyunjin closed his eyes trying to stop his headache, “I don’t know.”
“Why did you go there if you weren’t locked out?”
He shrugged his shoulders, still not bothering to open his eyes, “I guess I wanted to see her.”
“Are you guys like friends?” Chan was very confused by Hyunjin and her relationship. He wasn’t sure if he ever even saw them talk before.
“We really don’t talk other than when I’m drunk and she’s taking care of me,” he sighed.
“Maybe you should hang out, you know maybe not drunk out of your mind?” Chan knew Hyunjin drank too much but he didn’t know what to tell him. He wanted to have an intervention, but he didn’t even know how to go about bringing up the topic of Hyunjin’s drinking.
“I don’t think I have the nerve to talk to her when I’m sober,” he sighed knowing deep down it was because he was embarrassed that she always took care of him while he was drunk.
“I don’t know, maybe you should try. Considering she takes care of your drunk ass all the time,” Chan stood up from his desk. “Alright I have class and you should probably attempt to sleep off this hangover.”
-&-
It was another drunken night for Hyunjin. It was Han Jisung and Lee Felix’s birthday. They were having a huge house party at one of the frat houses. The party was a big enough deal that even Hyunjin’s roommate Chan tagged along, and Chan was never the type of guy who went to parties. Hyunjin was already four drinks deep when walked into the kitchen and found a familiar face leaning against the wall flirting with the Captain of the swim team, Seo Changbin. The sight of Changbin opening flirting with (y/n) suddenly made him mad and he wasn’t sure why. He knew he didn’t have a right to be jealous of Seo Changbin talking to her.
“Yo, Changbin,” Hyunjin walked over attempting to cock block him. He didn’t like the idea of Changbin and her hooking up.
“Hey Hyunjin,” she smiled. She was kind of caught off guard by seeing him. She could tell by the slight slur in his speech that he had already drank quite a bit.
“Hey doll,” he gave her a crooked smile.
Changbin pushed his eyebrows together as he looked between Hyunjin and (y/n), “so you guys know each other?”
“We’re neighbors, she lives right across the hall from me.”
“Are you guys like a thing?” Changbin asked, wondering if he was wasting his time. He was having a good time talking to (y/n) and thought something might happen between them.
“No,” she said, attempting to save this conversation, she had always had a crush on Changbin for quite some time, and she as caught off guard that he was actually flirting with her.
“She takes care of me,” Hyunjin smiled attempting to get Changbin to leave her alone. He knew Changbin hooked up quite a bit, and he didn’t want her to be another one of his hook ups.
“Oh okay, well it was great talking to you,” Changbin said to her, excusing himself from the conversation.
She let out a heavy sigh and closed her eyes. She couldn’t believe that Hyunjin just got in between her and Seo Changbin flirting. She had had a crush on Changbin for the last two years and Hyunjin managed to drunkenly ruin it in seconds.
“Why did you do that?” she’s asked running her fingers through her hair as she tries not to get even more annoyed at Hyunjin.
“He’s an asshole he’s known to hit it and quit it,” Hyunjin said before taking a large gulp of his drink.
“I don’t need you to look after me,” she sighed.
“But you look after me,” he couldn’t understand why she was so mad, he was just trying to help her out.
“It’s not the same as when I take care of you. Hyunjin you don’t know anything about me other than my first name and where my dorm is,” she said walking past him without bothering to respond. His hazy eyes were locked on her as he watched her make her way through the crowd over to her red headed roommate Sana who was sitting on the couch next to her boyfriend Seungmin.
Hyunjin was well aware of the fact that he had just majorly messed up, and wasn’t sure how he was going to fix it.
The party went by in a blur for him. One minute he was talking to Chan and the next thing he knew was sitting on the grass outside swaying side to side. His hazy eyes opened to find (y/n) standing in front of him.
Kneeling down in front of him she rested her hand on his cheek and said his name.
“Jiga,” he mumbled.
“Hyunjin let’s get you home,” she said, reaching down to take his hands to help him get up.
Luckily the party was on the same street as their dorm building. She held his hand leading him the couple of blocks home while he stumbled down the street.
The elevator ride up was completely silent as she stared at him with a sad look on her face. She looked like she was about to burst into tears.
The doors opened and they stepped into the hallway and she led him down the hall to his dorm.
“Do you have your key?” she asked, standing at his door.
He silently nodded his head and reached into this pocket and pulled out his key and handed it to her.
“I don’t even know your family name,” he sighed as she opened his door.
“It’s (y/l/n).”
“What are you studying?” he was asking her a bunch of questions because he wanted to get to know the girl that constantly took care of him.
“Hyunjin, why are you asking me all these questions?” She was already annoyed at him for getting in the way of her and Changbin. She had thought he was cute for a while and tonight was her chance to talk to him.
“Because I actually want to get to know,” he whined leaning against the wall as she used the key he had given her to open his door.
“Hyunjin, you don’t actually want to know me,” she sighed. “Believe me, you like having me take care of you, but the second some pretty girl catches your eye you’ll stop talking to me. We both know you like having me around when you’re drunk, because I’m coinvent.”
His eyebrows knit together in confusion as he stared at the girl in front of him confused by her statement.
“(Y/n),” he mumbled as she opened the door.
“Hyunjin, let's not do this, let’s get you to bed. I have to be up early and I need sleep.”
He followed her inside and it was clear she had no desire to talk about anything personal. It was pretty clear she didn’t want to put up with Hyunjin at that moment either.
She helped him get into his pajamas and then get him into bed. She stood above him as he laid in bed for a long moment and just stared at the drunk boy, with sad eyes. He obviously had some personal demons and his way of coping with them was to drink them away. She wasn’t sure how much longer she could sit around and watch him destroy himself anymore.
“I’m sorry,” he reached for her hand.
“Hyunjin get some sleep,” she acted like she didn’t even hear his apology and she just walked out of his dorm room.
The morning light shining through the curtains woke Hyunjin up. He was reminded of his heavy night of drinking when he opened his eyes to a throbbing headache. Looking across the room he found Chan sitting on his bed reading a book.
Hyunjin groaned as he rubbed his eyes.
“Well good morning sleepy head,” Chan sounds way too awake for Hyunjin’s liking.
“(Y/n) asked me to give you this,” Chan got out of bed and walked over and handed Hyunjin some Advil and a bottle of water.
“Did she leave a note?” Hyunjin asked, wondering. Every time he would crash at her place, she would always leave him a note the next morning reminding him to take Advil and to get hydrated.
“Nope, I ran into her in the hallway this morning and just asked me to make sure you took medicine.”
Hyunjin took the pills quickly and took a large gulp of water.
“I was kind of shocked she put you in your bed last night instead of putting you on her couch,” Chan walked over and sat down on the edge of his bed.
“I think I messed up last night,” Hyunjin sighed remembering that he got in the way of her and Changbin.
Chan took a deep breath and let out a heavy sigh. I knew at some point Hyunjin was going to mess up his friendship or whatever it was with (y/n).
“Hyunjin what did you do?”
“Seo Changbin was flirting with her and I kind of stepped in to scare him off,” he groaned, knowing that it wasn’t his place to infer in her life.
“Hyunjin do you even know anything about her?” Chan was curious as to why his roommate got between her and another guy.
“I know her full name and I know that for almost everyone one of her school days starts at either 7:30 or 8:00.”
Chan let out a heavy sigh, “does she know anything about you?”
“She knows more about me,” Hyunjin sighed. “I should go talk to her,” Hyunjin slowly got out of bed and walked over to his dresser and grabbed a hoodie to pull on. Walking out of the dorm she walked across the hall to her door and knocked hoping she was home. Her roommate, the fiery redhead answered the door with an unamused look on her face.
“Hwang Hyunjin, what do you want?” she asked, leaning against the door frame.
“Is (y/n) home?”
“Nope, she went home for the weekend. She said something about needing to get away.”
“I was shocked I didn’t come home to find you on my couch like normal,” she said.
Sana was well aware that Hyunjin frequently slept on her couch. Her roommate talked often about the boy who lived across the hall. It was obvious to Sana that she had grown to have feelings for the boy whose life was going down a toxic path. Anytime she talked about him Sana would try to let her know that Hyunjin wasn’t good for her. She had nothing against Hyunjin other than she knew that he would get super hammered at parties and sleep on her couch.
“You know she worries about you, constantly right?”
Hyunjin nodded his head knowing that (y/n) worried about him.
“Can you let her know I stopped by to apologize?” he asked.
Sana nodded her head.
He walked back across the small hallway and walked inside to find Chan in the same place he left him. Hyunjin sat down on his bed and sighed as he ran his fingers through his hair. He looked up at Chan to see him staring at him with a concerned look on his face.
“Does she know what happened to you?” Chan wondered.
Hyunjin shook his head slowly.
“I haven’t really told anyone other than you,” he sighed.
“Maybe you should let her in,” Chan said as he closed his book.
-&-
(Y/n) had made the choice to take the train home for the weekend. She was stressed with school, and needed a break. She also needed to step away from Hyunjin. She couldn’t sit around and watch him slowly self-destruct.
(Y/n) had always been a person who cared too much. Since she was a child, she always put other people’s feelings and happiness above hers. She would always go out of her way to make sure everyone was happy. Her mother always told her she was going to be truly happy until she started putting herself first. She knew she needed to step back from whatever messed up relationship she had with Hyunjin and do something that would make her happy.
Sitting in her family kitchen she had a cup of tea in front of her, and her mother was sitting across from her staring at her daughter with a concerned look on her face. Her mother didn’t expect her to come home for the weekend. Normally when (y/n) come home for the weekend she would plan it out with her mother. She was caught off guard completely when her daughter walked into the kitchen early this morning.
(Y/n) slowly brought her cup of tea up to her lips and took a sip of the warm liquid. Sitting the tea cup down she looked over at her mother who was still staring at her with a concerned look on her face.
“Honey, are you going to tell me why you came home?” her mother asked.
She let out a sigh and gave her mom a sad smile, “I just wanted to come home.”
Her mom knit her eyebrows together and stared at her. She knew her daughter well enough to know that something was going on. “Honey, you know you can tell me anything right?”
She nodded, “yeah I know. I just needed to come home and get away for a little while.”
Reaching across the table she squeezed her daughter’s hand, “honey, tell me what’s wrong.”
(Y/n) couldn’t even explain it, but suddenly she wanted to cry, “there is this boy that lives across the hall. He has a drinking problem, and we have fallen into this messed up routine where he sleeps on my couch when he’s drunk.” She paused gathering her thoughts for a moment, “it’s not even like we’re friends or anything. He doesn’t actually know anything about me other than my name. For some stupid reason I care about him way more than I should.”
Gently she squeezed her daughter’s hand again, “so do you love him?”
She shook her head, “I don’t think I love him, but I have feelings for him. I hate watching him slowly self-destruct, and I wish I could save him, but I don’t think I can save him if he’s not willing to save himself.”
Her heart hurt for her daughter. She had raised (y/n) to have a big heart and to be kind, but (y/n) had one of the biggest hearts possible. She knew that her daughter always wanted to save everyone and to help them, but some people couldn’t be helped.
“Honey, if he doesn’t want to get better you can’t save him,” her mother sighed.
(Y/n) nodded, “I know.”
She let out a heavy sigh and looked down at the table, “I have told myself over and over again that I shouldn’t feel anything for him. I know he doesn’t return my feelings, I don’t even think he remembers who I am when he’s sober. Last night at a party I was talking to this guy that I have always had a crush on, and things were going good,” she let out another sigh. “Hyunjin came up and I could tell he was already pretty gone, and he scared the guy off. He told him how I take care of him and everything.”
“What happened with you and Hyunjin last night?” her mother asked.
“I found him later on sitting outside on the grass and I took him back to his dorm and put him to bed. He was asking me a bunch of questions telling me he wanted to really know me, and I just brushed him off and put him to bed.”
“Honey it sounds like he likes you, but the boy has a lot of inner demons that he needs to figure out. I know you want to save him honey, but just know he can’t be saved unless he wants to be saved.”
(Y/N) knew her mother was right, Hyunjin had a lot of demons that he needed to figure out. She wasn’t going to be able to save him if he didn’t want to be saved.
-&-
A few days passed when Hyunjin was coming back from class and finally saw (y/n) for the first time since the night of Felix and Jisung’s birthday party. She was walking out of her dorm when they ran into each other.
They stared at each other awkwardly for a moment before Hyunjin finally spoke up, “hey.”
“Hi,” she said with a little awkward wave.
“I need to talk to you,” Hyunjin sighed.
“Okay,” her voice was soft and almost sounded unsure. She couldn’t lie she had kind of been avoiding Hyunjin, she wasn’t exactly ready to see him after the party.
“Do you know what happened to my arm?” he asked curiously if she had heard any rumors.
She shook her head, “no.”
“Can we sit down and talk in my dorm?” he asked knowing that Chan wasn’t home.
She nodded her head.
Hyunjin reached over and unlocked his door and held it open for her to come inside. She walked past him and made her way over to the couch that was on the wall. Hyunjin walked over silently and sat down next to her. He wasn’t even sure where to start. He hadn’t talked about the night he nearly lost his arm in probably two years, and that night was still really hard for him to talk about. He wasn’t sure if he would ever really be able to talk about it without it messing with his head.
“So…” he hesitated. “I was seventeen and I went out with one of my really good friends, we had been drinking at a friend’s birthday party…” he paused as he spoke about the night it all started coming back to him. The memories of that night were still burned into his brain.
She looked over at him with a pained expression. She could tell that this was hard for him to talk about, but she needed to know what happened that started him down the self-destructive path he was going down.
“We were having a great time, everything was going great. We had both been drinking, and I was stupid and didn’t try to talk him out of driving. He told me he was fine and had sobered up, but I didn’t know that he had been popping pills before we left,” he closed his eyes tight for a moment as he was fighting back the tears that were threatening to fall. “We headed back home, and on the way back to my place he swerved and our car ran straight into a tree that had branches spear the car. My friend passed away an hour after we were taken to the hospital, and I nearly lost my left arm. I had three surgeries and had to learn to use my arm again.”
Tears started sliding down his cheek and she stared at him attempting to figure out what she should say to him. She had heard a few rumors about him being in a car crash, but she never expected that he would have also lost his friend in the same accident.
“Hyunjin,” she reached over and rested her hand on his thigh. “Hey it’s alright.”
“I had nightmares about the crash for probably a solid eight months. Driving still freaks me out,” he didn’t want to cry but he couldn’t help it. He hated talking about that night, but he felt like he owed this to her. “I still get nightmares every so often. I think that’s why I started drinking. When I get drunk, I don’t have nightmares.”
Her heart was suddenly breaking for the boy who was sitting next to her. She realized that his inner demons were his past that was still haunting him.
“Thank you for telling me about what happened.”
“I figured I owed it to you to know since you’re the one who takes care of me.”
Her eyes examined the long scar that ran down arm for a moment. She couldn’t believe that he almost lost his arm and lost his friend in the same night. She suddenly felt as if she was a complete loss for words.
“I’m sorry about getting between you and Seo Changbin,” he sighed as he reached up and brushed his tears away. “I don’t want to be your problem anymore. I know I’m just kind of a waste of space.”
She shook her head, “you aren’t a waste of space.”
“I don’t need to burden you with my problems anymore,” he stood up suddenly and walked away from where they had been sitting. Suddenly he just felt completely overwhelmed but the whole situation, he hadn’t ever told anyone about that night other than Chan. That fact that (y/n) knew made him feel slightly sick. He knew she had a right to know, but he didn’t want her to look at him like he was broken.
She stared at him with her eyebrows knit together confused on why he was suddenly pacing and seemed to be freaking out.
“Hyunjin, we don’t ever have to talk about this again, but I want you to know I appreciate you telling me,” she gave him a sad smile.
Standing up she walked over to him as he stood there staring at him. Placing her hand on his cheek she stared into his sad eyes and whispered, “you aren’t a burden, and I’m across the hall if you ever need me. You don’t have to be drunk to talk to me. I’ll be there to listen to you or even take care of you, if that’s what you need.”
His sad eyes were locked on hers as he sniffled trying to stop his tears that were slowly sliding down his cheek. Silently he pulled away from her cheek, he knew the look she was giving him. It was the same look that Chan gave him when he told him about the accident.
“I’m okay, I need to go to class.”
He walked over to his bed and grabbed his backpack and walked out of the room leaving her standing alone in his dorm. Her eyes were wide as she stood there dumbfounded. Her eyes started to brim with tears, she was completely confused about what had happened. Hyunjin had finally opened up to her and let her in on his past, and quickly closed himself off emotionally.
It had been a few days since Hyunjin had told (y/n) about his accident and he had been going out of his way to avoid her. They had seen each other in passing a few times, and every time she looked at him, she had the same sad look on her face. She looked at him like he was broken, and he hated that. He wished he could go back and never tell her about that night.
Later that night as Hyunjin was going out to go to another party at one of the frat parties he opened the door and found (y/n) standing outside his door. She looked like she was about to knock on his door.
“Hey,” he awkwardly said, not exactly sure what else to say.
“Are you avoiding me?” she asked, sounding hurt.
He shook his head lying.
“Why do I feel like that’s not true,” she whispered with her voice sounding shaky.
He shrugged his shoulders, “I don’t need to be your problem anymore.”
She winced at his words, “Hyunjin.”
“Hey I’m not your burden anymore, you can go be with Seo Changbin and I won’t get in the way,” he raised his hands, surrendering. He knew he was sounding like an asshole, but he needed her to know she didn’t have to be there for him anymore.
“Why are you acting like this?” she asked sadly.
“Because you don’t need to waste your time on me anymore,” he sighed.
“Hyunjin, I know you’re haunted by that night, but you need to stop throwing your life away. I wish you realized you actually mattered to people,” she sighed. “Even if you think people don’t care about you, a lot of people care about you…” she couldn’t even say anything else. Even though part of her was begging to tell him that she cared about him. “You just made it clear you don’t want my help, so I’ll back off.”
“(Y/N)…” he wasn’t sure what else to say to her.
“Hyunjin, I need to go,” she moved past him reaching for her door.
He stood leaning against the wall watching as she struggled to get her key out of her pocket.
He took a deep breath and pushed himself off the wall and walked into his dorm and found Chan sitting in his bed with a book in his hand.
“What’s up?” Chan asked.
“Yeah I think (y/n) is done with me…” he paused and walked off towards his bed. “I took advantage of her caring about me, and I just pushed her away…”
“Hyunjin,” Chan couldn’t help but feel bad for Hyunjin. He knew his friend had been through a lot and he knew that his drinking too much at parties was his way of coping, but he couldn’t lie he was also worried about him. “Do you care about her?”
He nodded his head and sat down on his bed and let out a heavy sigh, “Yeah I do. I just don’t know how to properly show it, I also can’t deal with her looking at me like I’m broken.”
Chan shook his head staring at his friend, “you better walk over to her and tell her you’re sorry for being an asshole. Hyunjin she obviously cares about you.”
Hyunjin sat down on the couch and placed his face in his hands and let out a heavy sigh, “she is too sweet, and doesn’t deserve to deal with me.”
Chan walked over and sat down on the couch next to Hyunjin, and patted him on the back, “Hyunjin you need help, and you need someone who is willing to hold your hand while you get better. I’m going to be there for you no matter what, but I think you’re going to need her by your side too.”
Looking up at Chan, Hyunjin knew his best friend was right. He needed to start getting his life together, and step one was to start going to therapy like his parents wanted him too, and to stop drinking.
“I need to apologize.”
Chan nodded.
Hyunjin stood up and walked out of the dorm and went across the hall to her dorm. He knocked on her door and she opened the door. Her eyes were puffy, a sign that she had been crying. His stomach knotted at the thought that he had made was the reason she had been crying.
“Can we talk?” he asked.
Shrugging her shoulders, she stepped aside. Hyunjin walked inside and went straight over to the small couch that he had spent many nights on. She didn’t even bother sitting down, she stood across from him and crossed her arms over her chest and stared at him with a sad look. She opened her mouth to speak, but quickly closed it and let out a very light sigh. Hyunjin stared at her silently wondering what he should say to her. He knew he owed her an apology for everything.
“Hyunjin, you don’t have to be friends with me, you don’t owe me anything. You’ve made it clear that you don’t want to let me in, and that’s totally fine,” she paused. “But I need you to know I can’t keep trying to help you if you aren’t going to let me in. You keep giving me emotional whiplash, and I can’t deal with it anymore. If you don’t want me in your life that’s fine. I can step away and leave you alone.”
He shook his head and said, “(y/n) I’m so fucked up, and I want to get better. I just need you to know that I’m going to work on getting better. You’re the only person other than my family and Chan that knows what happened to me,” he sighed “I’m well aware that I’m a mess, but I can’t have you looking at me like I’m broken. Chan used to look at me like that for a while, and I just hate the way it makes me feel.”
She didn’t even say anything, she silently sat down on the couch next to Hyunjin. Reaching over she rested her hand on her cheek and stared into his sad eyes.
“I don’t think you’re broken, but I think you need help. I understand if you don’t want my help, but I’m willing to be there for you if you want me to be. Hyunjin, you are a strong and brave person, and I know you can get better.”
“I want to get better, I can't go around ruining friendships,” he whispered.
“We can work on getting you better,” her voice was soft. “I can be there every step of the way if you want me to be.”
He gently nodded with her hand still resting on his cheek.
“(Y/n) I want to get to know you more. I feel like you know so much about me, but I don’t know nearly enough about you,” he reached over and rested his hand on her thigh.
“Hyunjin, can I tell you anything you want to know about me,” she smiled. She felt as if her and Hyunjin were breaking through so many walls right then.
“I owe you an apology for getting in between you and Changbin,” he sighed thinking back to that night when he messed everything up with (y/n). He wished he could go back to that night and tell himself to not be an asshole.
“Hyunjin, why did you get between Changbin and I?” She needed to know why Hyunjin ruined everything that night.
Pulling away from her he leaned back on the couch knowing that he needed to let her know what happened. He knew he owed her an explanation of his actions.
“I guess that night I realized I liked you more than I thought I did, and I just got jealous at the thought of someone else getting you attention. I know I was a total asshole that night, and I’m really sorry about that.”
She couldn’t help but smile at the fact that he mentioned that he liked her, “you like me?”
Shyly he nodded his head, “yeah.”
“I like you too,” she said softly.
They sat on the couch for a while as Hyunjin asked (y/n) lots of questions wanting to get to know her more. Hyunjin asked her everything he could think of under the sun, he asked what her favorite color was. What her life was like growing up, and all about her family. She told him embarrassing stories from her childhood that left both of them laughing and her cheeks bright red. They sat there together for probably two hours actually getting to know each other.
“Did you maybe want to spend the night?” She felt suddenly nervous about asking him to stay. There were so many drunken nights Hyunjin had slept on her couch, but her asking him to stay this time was completely different. “Like sleeping in my bed with me?” She nervously asked.
Softly he nodded, he knew this was going to be a very innocent night, but this was a big deal for him. (Y/n) meant a lot to him, and they both had fully opened up to each other and right then he wanted to kiss her and tell her she was special, but he couldn’t bring himself to say it.
Standing up she reached out her hand and he reached forward this his arm that had the long scar. He took her hand and stood up with her. She led him off to her bed and dropped his hand so she could walk over to her dresser to get her pajamas. Hyunjin sat there watching her as she searched through her dresser. He felt suddenly overwhelmed by everything. He was scared that somehow he was going to mess up everything with (y/n), she had opened up so much to him and he didn’t want to break her heart.
“I’m going to get dressed for bed. You can sleep in your boxers if you want.”
He nodded and watched as she walked off to the small bathroom. Standing up he stripped away his clothing and was left in his boxers. Sitting back down on the edge of the bed he watched as she walked back into the room. She was wearing a tank top that showed off her beautiful skin, and a pair of small shorts that showed off her thighs that normally left her feeling uncomfortable. His eyes couldn’t help but roam her soft body. Her eyes stayed wide as she stared at him wondering if she should wear something else, that maybe he didn’t like what he was seeing.
Before she could even open her mouth to speak, he spoke first, “you’re beautiful.”
Walking towards him she stood in front of him as he sat on the edge of the bed staring up at her with a look of wonder. Reaching forward with his hand he ran his finger gently up and down her arm holding her attention. Her bottom lip was captured between her teeth as she stared at him. There was a silence between each other as they just stared at each other. Reach down she placed her hand on his cheek and smiled.
“I want to kiss you,” Hyunjin whispered.
She nodded, “I would like that.”
Without another word he reached for her hips and pulled her down so she was straddling his waist. Her eyes were wide, afraid she weighed too much.
“I don’t think I should sit on your lap,” she whispered embarrassedly as her cheeks burned.
He shook his head, “you don’t weigh too much so don’t freak out about it.”
He removed his hand from her waist and reached up to rest his hand on her cheek and leaned forward resting his nose against hers. He took a deep breath taking in their closeness. Since his accident he hadn’t really gotten close to anyone, and this was a big step for him.
Leaning forward she connected his lips to hers for a gentle kiss as his hand still rested on her cheek holding her close to him. The kiss was slow as their lips moved together as they tested the waters. Butterflies formed in her stomach as their lips danced. Pulling away slowly he rested his nose against hers again with his eyes closed. She couldn’t help but smile at the fact that they had just shared their first kiss.
“Maybe we should get some sleep,” he asked softly, pulling away from her.
Nodding, she pulled herself off Hyunjin and stood in front of him. He moved back on her twin bed so his back was against the wall and tapped the bed in front of him signaling for her to join him. A smile was plastered across her face as she crawled into bed with her back firmly against his tone body. His arm was resting over her side holding her close to him. Gently she reached up and ran her fingers across the soft skin of his hand. He closed his eyes taking in their closeness. Without thinking he leaned forward and pressed his lips to her exposed shoulder for a gentle kiss.
“Hyunjin, thank you for letting me,” she whispered.
“Thank you for not giving up on me.”
-&-
As morning light shined through the curtain she smiled at the feeling of Hyunjin's strong arm pulling her closer to him on the small bed. The sound of him yawning let her know he was awake. Glancing over her shoulder she found his warm eyes looking back at her.
“Good morning,” he yawned.
“Morning,” she said with her sleepy voice still sounding raspy.
“Did you want to leave campus and go get breakfast at a diner?” He asked.
Pulling away from him she slowly got out of bed, “I would love that.”
“Maybe this could be like a breakfast date?” He asked as he watched her as she slowly stretched.
“I would really like that,” she smiled.
“I’ll get up and then you can run to your place and change and you can get dressed and we can go get food. If you want you can invite Chan.”
He gave her a confused look.
“I know we said this is a date, but we can always invite him and then we can maybe have a proper date tonight or tomorrow,” she stepped towards him as he stood by her bed staring at her.
He nodded his head, liking the sound of her proposal. He reached up and pushed a piece of her hair gently behind her ear and leaned forward for a soft kiss.
“Okay that sounds like a great idea. I need to call my parents tomorrow and set up a therapy appointment.”
“Okay I can go with you to your appointment and wait in the waiting area if you would like?” She wanted him to know that she planned on being there every step of the way if he would let her.
He nodded and smiled, “I would really like that.”
Hyunjin left and went and got ready and got Chan to tag along to breakfast. Chan couldn’t help but be happy that his best friend finally realized what was in front of him. Hyunjin and (y/n) seemed like they were happy now that they finally talked out their feelings. Breakfast went well and at night Hyunjin and (y/n) had their first official date. It was a relaxing night where they watched movies on her couch and ate take out. It was a sweet and innocent date, they had both agreed that they should take things slow. As the night came to close (y/n) walked Hyunjin to the door and he kissed her goodnight.
With his hand resting on her cheek he whispered, “you’re a special girl, and I can’t thank you enough for not giving up on me.”
“I don’t plan on ever giving up on you Hwang Hyunjin,” she leaned forward and connected her lips to his for another kiss not ready to call it a night.
All involved are 18+ before anyone starts that nonsense. Enjoy
2600 words
The night had went fine, great in fact. The drinks were plentiful and for the first time the bar was actually busy, which for being so early in the year was a brilliant start. You were sitting at the middle table which was sort of the locals table along with Benny standing beside you as he'd given you his seat and despite having an empty one on the other side of him always referred to stand next to you for whatever reason, he was quite a bit older than you, he had been in school with your mum. With his girlfriend Beth and Cleo in front of the two of you the table was quite merry. Benny was mostly having pints of lager, Beth was on the rum, Cleo had whiskey and a pint and you were having vodka with Apple juice and lemonade.
It was your turn for a round so you bough for the table and got yourself a double, you felt the need to binge tonight and while you know you shouldn't it didn't stop you. Once paying you collected your change and to your delight it was mostly pound coins meaning more music on the jukebox, you offered it to Benny since he has quite a lot of enthusiasm for the jukebox but he told you to put it on yourself, which you did with some hesitation knowing your taste in music is quite a bit different so you went for some more classic songs like ‘Heart of glass’ by blonde which after a few other choices played while you were seated. Benny looked at you with delight as it played and Beth gave you the thumbs up and the three of you started singing, beth dropped out after a while but you and Benny stuck at it till the end as best you could because, as Benny pointed out, no one really knows the words.
The night went on smoothly and last orders were called, Cleo bought this round but you also got yourself another double, you've no idea how may you'd had at this point. You'd been drinking quite a few nights that week and you were fighting to keep your hand tremor at bay. Something that happened quite a bit especially after a lot of alcohol.
Another of your friends had come in a little earlier and Benny was friends with her mum and had given her mum a message just to say how alike her daughter was to her which he told you while leaning in close that the mum had disagreed with mildly aggressively, you mentioned how alike you were to your mum which Benny somewhat disagreed with, he remembered her from school and just didn't agree, heavily implying you being better looking than she had been. You didn't care that's just how he is. Yous found yourselves talking about the night before last where you'd also all been in drinking, and how Benny had been dancing quite dramatically with some guy that had also been there. You laughed but couldn't help wondering if he remembered something else from that night. All the stolen kisses. After that night had ended you had gone back with Beth and Benny who when Beth's back was turned or in the other room he took those opportunities to kiss you, you hadn't stopped it, but the last time it had happened while Beth was doing something else. he had leaned in for a kiss and you had turned away slightly, he then let out a sigh and moved your hair to kiss your neck slightly and bite your ear a little, not enough to hurt you of course. He pulled away and tilted your face to him. ”Just kiss me.” he had said in a tone of near desperation. You did before you could stop yourself, his hands on your sides, his tongue exploring your mouth, you tried to meet him halfway but he was very much in control. When he pulled away you found yourself frozen slightly and just stared at him, you must have looked somewhat sad in that moment because his next words that came out matched your thoughts ”I know it's wrong.” and with that he pulled away as you both heard beth approaching, your hand touched your lips and he decided to go to bed which you decided was a good cue to leave, having work the next morning.
Bringing yourself back the moment the bar man rang the bell again for closing time and asked that the group drink up. Cleo invited you and the couple back to theirs which the three of you accepted cheerfully.
You found yourself again losing your thoughts as you remembered the first time Benny had kissed you, while the second night of it happening was merely a few days the first occasion had been months ago, and you assumed one drunk night wasn't going to repeat itself. You had walked him home to help him carry something, this coming after an argument where Beth didn't want to go home and he had so you stepped between your friends to offer a hand. Walking back you had suddenly found his hand in yours. You had already told him you doubted it would be there, his logic being some guy said he would drop it off which, let's face it, was based on a maybe. When you got to where it was supposedly left you realised Benny was about to keep walking you too the house so you pointed out he needed to look for it. He took out his torch and letting go of your hand to hunt for a few minutes. It wasn't there. He wasn't happy and stood in front of you. ” I hate to say I told you so but I did tell you.” you said arms crossed. He stepped closer and put his hands on your shoulders and replied ” I hate being wrong.” before pulling you to meet his lips. This was the first time he had kissed you and you were in complete shock. When you pulled away the only thing you could say was ” we need to go back and get beth ” and at this he started walking away you tried to stop him and pull him back but he turned round to kiss you again except this time you turned your face away and repeated yourself again. And he moved away again. The final kiss after a lot of arguing he grabbed a hold of your hair and angled your face to his, deepening the kiss as far as he could.
Back in the present you had all finished your drinks and were putting on jackets. Getting ready to leave. You round yourself feeling quite groggy, and suddenly you were in Cleo’s street. You could feel Bennys hand on your back helping you along, occasionally reaching down to squeeze your ass when he was sure no one was looking. Once everyone was through the front door, Cleo went to the kitchen, Beth to the toilet, you and Benny were standing alone in the porch and you felt him pull you as he leaned down and once again you locked lips with him. He quickly pulled away as Cleo came into sights. You remember sitting down in the living room and being handed a drink but then next thing you were in Bennys house following him and Beth to their living room. The alcohol had definitely hit you and you struggled with your words, you felt Bennys lips on yours again every so often but you were so past awareness it just came and went. At some point he went to bed and you found yourself crying, Beth who your actually really good friends with was very concerned and tried to comfort you best she could but you couldn't tell her and while you know you should, you picked the selfish road. Because if you tell her you will loose them both. And they were pretty much your only friends in this place. Beth eventually got you to a state of calm and told you to stay the night, settling you down on one of the armchairs which wasn't the first times you'd slept there. You felt asleep pretty fast which was certainly a change.
You woke up around 8 and after a moment of realisation of your whereabouts you went to the toilet. At some point, you'd taken your hair out and you've no idea where your tie was but you sighed and went back to the armchair. The house was always quite cold but you didn't mind. You felt quite safe there.
You lay awake a while but rested your eyes. The beginning of a headache calling your name. You had drawn the duvet you'd been given over your face a little and lay there.
After some time you heard footsteps and Benny approached you assumed it was time for his first cigarette of the day. He was close now and you wondered if he knew you were there. This however was a quickly resolved thought as you felt the covers above your face being moved down and your eyes snapped open as you jumped slightly at the contact. Benny was smiling down at you quite pleased with himself. ”your an arse Benny” he laughed and agreed. Sitting down on the floor to roll his fag. You talked at him for a little while. Trying to piece what you’d forgotten from the night before. Always a joyful task. You watched as he lay down on the ground with a pillow at his head and he covered his face with his arm as he smoked. Now for all your drinking you didn’t smoke but it was almost calming to watch him. Although it was also a little stressful, reminding him he’s still holding his fag as he comes dangerously close to setting himself alight. He finishes it and continues to lay there and talk to you a little.
He groaned a little and you commented on his usual smugness of not getting hangovers “ I’m still drunk is the issue” he sighed ” to be fair I think I am too ” you nodded. You'd both had quite a lot by the end of the previous night so it isn't so surprising.
”I'm cold” he commented to the room more than you. You agreed silently and then spoke up ” I would offer to give you a hug but I don't think it would make a difference.” He gave a small smile at that and replied “ hugs always make a difference.” At that you felt a wave of calm was over you as you stated “ I shall come and give you a hug then.”
With that you got out of the chair and brought yourself down next to him before resting your head on his chest and reaching an arm over him and hold him as best you could. He was so skinny your could feel his rib cage. You probably should have moved shortly after but you found yourself comfortable with him. And you felt one arm snake round your shoulders and his hand rubbed your upper arm. His other hand you found playing with your hair as you lay there. You could hear his heart and as it thumped another wave of calm washed over you. Nothing could hurt you here. All your fears seemed to melt away with each beat. The hand in your hair moved and you felt your face being tilted up to Benny and he kissed you. Then he rolled himself till you were back to the floor and he was above you, his hands on your hips he pulled your legs around him and settled his body between you he went to kiss you again but pulled away to moved your hair out of your face. His hands roam around your whole body. With his tongue in your mouth, you felt yourself being moulded how he wanted you. He reached under your hoodie but you had a top under it that was tucked into your jeans so he couldn't reach your skin but he continued to map out your body. He moved your hair away from your neck and pulled you too him as he kissed every inch he could reach, pulling your collar away from your body as he kissed. You felt his hand on your breast and as you don't usually wear bras his fingers played with your nipple through your top before he moved down and kissed your nipple through your clothes, his hand sliding down your side and holding your ass as he moved back up to kiss you again, your arms wrapping themselves round his neck and your hand in his hair. The hand on your ass moved down, like his was trying to memorise you and he went down your whole leg till he was holding your foot and then back up to your side to hold you. His other hand moved down to your crotch and stroked you once but he seemed to not want to ruin where you had both gotten too and moved back up into your hair, his lips still on yours, he tasted like fire and smoke. He pulled away again and went back to your neck and kissed you a few times, you gasped a little and he then kissed a trail along to your face. First your cheek then your eye then your forehead and finally your nose before returning once more for another deep kiss. He moved away again and held himself above you and looked down at you like you were the most beautiful thing he'd seen. He moved down a little and just lay his head between your breasts as you both caught your breath a little.
He sat up and you didn't really know how to react honestly so you just lay there. You could feel your hands starting to tremor again which wasn't completely out of the ordinary but in this case is a little different, fireworks were going off in your mind. Benny reached out a hand to pull you up to a sitting position and then just held you too him. He felt your hand shaking and when he let you go he gentle held it. ” your shaking ” he whispered and looked at you, you couldn't reach his gaze but laughed a little ” I'm always shaking.” you looked up a little and continued ” you know that.”
” I should probably go back to bed” he said sounding a little sad almost.
” I would highly recommend it ” you nodded, while you didn't want him to leave you know you both needed to sleep off the alcohol properly. He got up to do something, you assumed he had gone to bed but he returned and sat on the other side of you. You had hung your head a little and let your hair fall in your face. When he sat down he rolled himself another fag, when he finished rolling it he looked at you and moved your hair from your face and making you look at him instead of your trembling hands. He smiled at you and put the free arm round your shoulders and held you to him once more. You rested gently on him while he smoked.
” I'm going to go back to bed for an hour ” he announced and you nodded in understanding. He flicked the end of the cigarette into the ashtray and before moving kissed the top of your head. Then he left and you heard the door to his bedroom close.
You remained sitting on the floor for some time before heaving yourself off the floor and back on the armchair where you thought about what happened for quite a while before eventually falling back asleep.
a/n: you (y/n Kageyama, yes youre related to tobio) and Iwaizumi go out for drinks one night and you run off. Where to? To get railed in car :) Come to find out your friends know your mystery man.
