Lucifer: i challenge any man who thinks that my 7 handsome border collies are too loud through-out the day to a round of Chess, the game of kings
Mammon: just because im following yiou on here doesn't mean im obligated to read your fucking posts, or like you, or marry you and be happy forever,
Leviathan: (after hearing the library has games ,i arrive at the front desk, disguised as a non-gamer) er.. im here for some.. book's
Satan (OG): if you say the words "Room temperature" to me ill flip my lid. room temp varies depending on the room. youre talking shit out of your mouth.
Satan (NB): IF THE ZOO BANS ME FOR HOLLERING AT THE ANIMALS I WILL FACE GOD AND WALK BACKWARDS INTO HELL
Asmodeus: i like to act genuinely baffled when people tell me to shut the fuck up. like "Huh? But why? The shit i post here helps people, but ok,"
Beelzebub: holy gravy holy meat
holy moly let us eat
Belphegor: go ahead. keep screaming "Shut The Fuck Up " at me. it only makes my opinions Worse
Diavolo: my friends, theres nothing i enojy more than a capsule of beer , while tasting beer with other 18-34 year olds, at the beer store
Barbatos: fairly confident that even if i became a rat some how, i still would not want to fuck any of the other rats
Solomon: the jduge orders me to take off my anonymous v mask & im wearing the joker makeup underneath it. everyone in the courtroom groans at my shit
Simeon: there is too much of Lies...
Luke: blocked. blocked. blocked. youre all blocked, none of you are free of sin
Mephistopheles: Hm lets see. Do I "Shut the fuck uop", or continue exposing the truths of life to the chagrin of the 99% of people on earth who are villains
Thirteen: judges should sentence perverts to more stupid shit, like making them do obstacle courses made out of porno. bet it's not so good now huh
Raphael: baptizing my badge and gun, in Sinnersblood
MC: ive seen like 9 separate group dms that are named "Boys Chat". 9 parallel universes, each with their own fucked up opinions regarding Lunch
*All misspellings, typos, and grammatical errors are from the original tweets.
(I'm imagining that demons have the same reactions to weed that humans do. I don't think they actually would have the same reactions, but theoretically...)
Oh, and to make my own bias clear: I'm not a fan, personally. I can't think about weed without thinking about the smell. The stink. So I'm not sure if the focus on the smell in these comes off as weird or not, but it's so powerful in my mind, it must be addressed.
Lucifer hates weed. Don't call that the Devil's lettuce, he wouldn't touch it with a ten foot pole. It smells like skunk. It's revolting. Don't use it in his house. Don't use it in his presence. Don't use it. It's antithetical to everything he believes in.
Mammon...would stone. I see him as someone who uses one of those vape pens on the DL (not nearly as smelly, so much safer to use in the House of Lamentation) but he'd also like gummies and weed brownies. Being stoned is just fun. It's pleasant. It's relaxing. Chill out, Lucifer, you're harshing the vibes, man.
Leviathan is nervous about weed. He has this idea that there's a way he's supposed to react to cannabis, and when he doesn't, he feels like there's something wrong with him. He's supposed to feel all chill and groovy, right? So why does he just feel dizzy? Why is he not relaxed? Why isn't he chill?! Why isn't he groovy?!?!?! He probably psyches himself out too much to enjoy it. He's too nervous about the social expectations.
Satan is kind of ambivalent to weed. He doesn't particularly enjoy it. I don't think he'd like feeling intoxicated in general because of the lack of control. But at the same time.... it pisses Lucifer off so much, how can he not appreciate that? He doesn't like the smell either, so if it wasn't for Lucifer, he'd be the one complaining about it, but as it stands, he's perfectly willing to enable his brothers who do like it.
Asmodeus doesn't mind it in moderation, and only in edibles. Again... the smell. He will not tolerate smelling like anything less than a bouquet of roses. He only really uses it socially.
Beelzebub can't have cannabis. And I know you know why. The cravings. You can't just take gluttony and make it hungrier. It Devours. Once, Mammon left some weed brownies unattended, and he was strung up by Lucifer for days, not because he brought pot into the house, but because Beelzebub ate them and went on a mindless rampage through the Devildom, eating his way through various businesses and even a few historic landmarks. Everything was game: stone, dirt, wood, you name it. The bottomless pit just became bottomless-er.
Belphegor likes it. Similar to Mammon, he doesn't want the hassle of Lucifer getting on his case, so he prefers the vape pen, since it's less smelly and also Beel-safe. It makes him feel cozy and relaxed, because if Belphie needs anything, it's something to help him fall asleep more easily.
Diavolo loves it! But since Lucifer hates it, he doesn't use it very often. I actually imagine he and Solomon occasionally hang out and smoke. Only very rarely, because he's much too busy to be fucking off with some tricksy wizard and getting high, but it happens from time to time.
Barbatos is indifferent to it. What's some intoxication in the face of millions of years of experiences and virtual omniscience? It won't affect him. But please, young master, if you must indulge, change your clothes after. The scent has a way of clinging to fabric...
Solomon loves weed! It's so fun. What a great way to take the edge off. Mind-altering substances are very fun for a guy who's seen it all, even if cannabis is relatively lowkey. When he senses that the moment is right, he'll whisk Diavolo away every now and then and hang out in some scenic location while smoking. He has a fantasy that one day, Diavolo will spontaneously suggest they make a pact during such an occasion. It hasn't happened yet.
Simeon isn't interested in getting high. It's not for him, or for any angels, really. I wish I had a more nuanced picture of him for this prompt, but I'm just picturing a meme with Simeon's face saying "Don't get high: get saved."
Luke is a literal child.
"What's that awful smell, Simeon?"
"Oh, that's just some Devil-grass burning. Some demons enjoy the sensations inhaling the smoke causes."
I feel like Barbatos would find MC charming the way I find a puppy charming. Like look how cute and stupid it is, awww!
I'm aware that this contradicts canon because Barbatos has a thing for MC (one might even call him crazy about them) so I'll go ahead and call it an 'anti-canon' that Barbatos really has no romantic interest in MC at all. No shade on Barbatos, I wouldn't wanna date them either.
I'm imagining a Devildom TV show that's basically like Jersey Shore or Real Housewives or whatever except it's about heads of state and the insane shit they do. Since this isn't their world to worry about and demons are known to have pretty dark senses of humor, I can see this being popular even during periods with really dark events, because look at those crazy humans, they're at it again.
Can you just imagine the fandom annoyance with SCOTUS 'retconning' abortion 50 years after it became canon?
If he had time to watch the show, I can definitely imagine Diavolo getting very into it and taking it way too seriously---becoming genuinely upset about how things unfold on earth while everyone tells him it's exaggerated for drama.
Could you perhaps write something where gn!mc is just,,, a complete asshole. Fully standoffish and rude, I think it'd be hilarious [bonus points if they have a traumatic backstory for WHY]
No bonus points for me because my asshole MCs exist in a state of suspended animation and they're just like this Because They Are.
Now, I go on and actually explore my idea from an earlier prompt that MC being standoffish would derail the entire plot of OG Season 1 since it requires them to help Belphie get out of the attic.
And if you're wondering, yes, Solomon is quoting KJV Book of Revelation at the end there.
How Your Year-Long Vacation In the Devildom Ended in the Apocalypse
or; Asshole Standoffish MC says what?
Ship: None
Word Count: ~1.3k
Triggers: Uhhhh... (points to the title)
-----
You're not here to make friends.
And you're definitely not here to date any million-year-old demons who look like they stepped out of the pages of Esquire.
You're here because you're Fate's favorite bitch, and apparently you haven't been suffering enough lately.
So you go ahead and announce all that to your host family the first time you all sit down for dinner.
"...Are humans like that?" asks Asmodeus, looking between you and his brothers. "...I...I don't remember humans being like that."
"Wow. Okay," says Leviathan, staring at his Switch. "First of all, what's your damage. Second, you should probably find the demons who are interested in dating you and let them know, lmao." He fist-bumps Mammon without looking up from the screen.
"What's Esquire?" asks Beel.
"I'm gonna go eat in my room," you say. "Goodnight."
As you leave, you hear Mammon mumble, "Well, they were right about being a bitch."
------
Things aren't any less irritating at that stupid school. Honestly, who names a school after themselves and the fact that they're royalty? Was he just trying to make an easy acronym? Seriously. 'Royal Academy of Diavolo'.... It makes you cringe, hard.
So you sit in the back of all your classes and doodled your favorite sleep paralysis monsters getting closer and closer to the foot of your bed over the course of the day. You're just getting to where you can see the empty white scleras staring up at you when Dumb, Dumb, and Dumber turn up, A.K.A. the other exchange students, A.K.A. Simeon the Angel (dumb), Luke the Baby Angel (also dumb), and Solomon (dumber), the immortal human sorcerer and also the ancient king of Jerusalem? (Like, that Solomon? What the fuck, why does he look like a twenty-three year old anime boy?)
"You must be the newest exchange student," says the tall angel.
"Yeah, and?" you answer.
"Hey, you don't need to be so rude to him!" says the baby angel. His voice makes you want to throw yourself into a furnace.
"Yeah, and?" you answer again.
"Haha! So the new student has some spunk! I like that," says the Biblical king.
"Why are you all bothering me? I was drawing my sleep par--"
"We should all hang out at Purgatory Hall sometime," suggests Simeon, proving he hasn't been paying attention. "By the way, why did Diavolo end up putting you in with the brothers instead of situating you with us?"
"Because I walk around naked at night and I don't care who sees, and there's a child in your dorm."
"Really?" asks Simeon, covering Luke's ears. "Why do you do that?"
"Because fuck you, that's why. Leave me alone."
"I don't remember humans being like that," murmurs Simeon to Solomon as they walk away.
------
"I'm a human too," says the demon in the attic.
"Uh-huh," you say with undisguised skepticism. "And you want me to forge pacts because...?"
"Because then you can release me. Us humans have to stick together."
You let that hang there for a few seconds before dropping the ax.
"...So I know you're Belphegor. Because your fucking picture is up in the house. You absolute moron."
His expression drops.
"You idiot. You lying shit. Don't waste my time like this again. I'm not forging pacts with any demons. I know you missed my first dinner here, but to sum it up: I'm not here to make friends."
"I don't remember humans being like this," he mumbles to himself. "Wha- hey! Wait! Where are you going?! Come back! Come- come back!!!"
-----
It's Diavolo's birthday party, and Lucifer forces you to come.
By that, I mean he physically picks you up and drags you there while you struggle and rage.
"I don't remember humans being like this," Diavolo says to Barbatos with some concern as he sees you carried thrashing through the entry.
"Oh, they absolutely are," argues Solomon. "I only calmed down after I'd been around about a hundred years. But for their stage of development, I'd say they're pretty much par for the course."
Barbatos stares blankly at Solomon as Diavolo nods sagely. "I see, I see... I suppose I'll have to keep that in mind when selecting our next exchange student."
-----
"Finally! The year is almost up, which means this loser's going back to the human world, and Belphie's gonna come back home!" cheers Mammon.
"Very expository of you," Satan replies dryly.
"Oh, Belphie is Belphegor, right? Your youngest brother?" you ask, looking up from the knife you've been sharpening. It's one of the chores you reluctantly accepted over the course of your stay here. You're taking care of your knife duties while brothers 2 and 4 cook dinner.
"Uh, obviously," snorts Mammon. "Why, what do you care? You'll be gone before he gets here."
"I forgot I never mentioned this to any of you. He's in the attic."
Mammon and Satan stare at you. Mammon chuckles nervously. "Whaaa? Don't be stupid, there's nothing up in the attic. Lucifer doesn't even let us go up there."
You stare back at him, unblinking. The two brothers glance at each other.
-----
You sit on your suitcase in the front hall of the House of Lamentation as the place goes up in flames.
Beelzebub is in a mindless rage, cursing Lucifer and breaking down walls. Every now and then, the entire house rumbles, indicating its structural integrity is just that much less solid.
Leviathan summoned Lotan in a moment of panic when Mammon kicked his door in and announced that Belphegor was going to war against the human world and Lucifer and Diavolo and he'd better pick sides before he got drafted, so the entire ground floor is soaked in a few inches of water and tentacles keep reaching out from the depths of the house. You swat them away whenever they get too close. You're not sure where Levi is now, but based on the fact you can hear Mammon screaming and pounding at the bathroom door, you can make a good guess.
Asmodeus released Cerberus from the basement after charming him, and when he realized the dog was too enraptured to obey Lucifer, the pressure got to him and he fled. Now the two are on the war path to Majolish, because 'all this drama is stressing [them] out' and 'this is how [they] cope, okay?'
Lucifer is grappling with Belphie and Satan, who, upon hearing that Belphie intended to rebel against Lucifer, joined his cause. He keeps trying to bang their heads together; you can see it happening in front of the fireplace down the hall. But Satan's tail keeps slashing at him like some sort of prehensile melee weapon and it's clearly at least somewhat effective.
Looking up, you see what appears to be a pair of dragons grappling in the sky, and all around you are the sounds of screams and sirens. The earth rumbles around you, and even the stars seemed to be falling from the sky.
"I can't believe you did it!"
You turn around in surprise as the door opens. Solomon stands there, beaming at you like a proud father. "You really did it! You broke the sixth seal!"
"Sorry, what?"
"'And I beheld when he had opened the sixth seal, and, lo, there was a great earthquake; and the sun became black as sackcloth of hair, and the moon became as blood!'"
"Sorry, what?"
The roof begins to cave in, so you step out of the way, and Solomon laughs maniacally.
"It's still going! 'And the great kings of the land said to the mountains and rocks, "Fall on us, and hide us from the face of him that sitteth on the throne!"'" Another chunk of the ceiling crashes directly in front of you.
"Are you high?"
"Yes!"
"Share."
So we smoke a joint, staring up through the broken roof into the starless sky, watching demons and brawl, awaiting the breaking of the seventh seal: silence.
"This is why it's called the House of Lamentation."
Every once in a while when one of the brothers gets upset about something, they'll say, "So this is why it's called the House of Lamentation."
Any time they do, Lucifer stares them down and proceeds to tell the story of how actually, it got this name because of the mass murder that happened there? So there were seven brothers, and...
Lucifer: Satan!
Satan: What now.
Lucifer: Did you turn Leviathan into a hermit crab?
Satan: Why in the world would I do that?
Lucifer: Don't try to divert me with meaningless questions. Did you or did you not?
Satan: I did.
Lucifer: Grounded.
Satan: Oh, HELL FORBID I enjoy myself at all in this place. Now I know why it's called the House of Lamentation instead of the House of Fun.
Lucifer: Actually-
Did he know that making Satan was a thing that could happen?
Did Satan explode bodily from him? Like did a whole ass man come out?*
How did he decide they were brothers and not parent/child?
Why do his brothers accept that he's also their brother? Is it just because Lucifer said so?**
How does he justify to Diavolo that he has to keep this vicious ball of hate and fury in his castle because that's his brother actually? How much damage did Baby Satan do to that castle? Will Barbatos ever forgive him?
How did he explain Satan to Satan? Like...what do you say to an adult man you manifested in a moment of soul-crushing rage? "Oh hi, sorry for the identity crisis and crippling emotional issues, it's unfortunate that you were created to embody wrath, that sounds like it sucks"?
Totally unrelated, but did he have an interest in cursed things in Heaven or is this just a Devildom thing? Because he has that cursed record with the banshee recording in NightBringer, so it isn't like it's taken thousands of years for him to get into them.
*In my fic, I'm saying that the thing that Lucifer created wasn't a full person, but an essence, and it was by combining that essence with Lilith's body that Satan was made.*** (Not literally just sticking him in her body, obviously the brothers would recognize that immediately. But I think there needed to be a host body for the manifestation of wrath to actually become a person.)
**How hard was it for Belphie to accept Satan? I know he has a Devilgram where he's jealous of Satan sort of being the new youngest, but did it feel like Lucifer was getting a replacement for Lilith? How do you deal with losing and gaining a sibling at the exact same time? I say Belphie specifically because he's the one who would have the hardest time with this, 100%.
***Does this mean trans Satan? I don't know, I've never seen Lilith's anatomy either.****
****For all I know everyone's just a Barbie doll down there and all the horndoggery in the fandom is a lost cause. Except for Solomon, because I can confirm that humans have genitals. So maybe Solomon is the only bangable character in the series. Congrats to all Solomon simps. I don't know how I got to this point, this was not supposed to be about that.
