i have to fix parts of my thesis proposal but... all i want to do is write more sastiel oneshots/imagines. i am containing myself because i also don't know what exactly to write yet for sastiel. but the urge to have a blank document labeled "sastiel mini" instead of my proposal is very strong.
Hey Everyone in the JSE/Markiplier/Sanders Sides Community,
I’ve been thinking long and hard on this and I still don’t know how to word this. I’ve been sitting on this for almost a week now, and I still have no idea if what I’m about to say is a good thing or not. I’ve been in the Markiplier Community for about two years now and I’ve been in the JSE Community for about a year now. And the one thing that I notice, no matter how bad things get, no matter how much discourse or toxicity come into play in the Community. Many of us, still help each other out, we still have each other’s backs, a lot of us (myself included) keep “their inboxes open” for those who need or want to rant/rave/talk or just need a sounding board.
So, here goes . . .
I’m going to be taking a break. I don’t know for how long, but I need to step back from Tumblr, Discord, basically from the fandoms in general. I don’t know when I’ll be back, but I will be back!
If you’re wondering why, please read the reasons under the cut. It was really hard for me to write all this so, please, don’t be too hard on me. But when I do officially, come back, I’ll be spamming my blog with WIPs and a ton of Memes and/or reblogs. But yeah, I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm going to be gone for a while.
I’ll see all of ya, during Winter Break (January) or Spring or Summer Break! Please, try not let anyone get any of ya down.
TW: Depression (I think), Mention of Depression like systems, Mention of Lost of a Loved One, Mention of Suicidal Thoughts, putting everything out there.
(Reasons are under the cut)
I’m going to try to write this and not break down, no promises though. Where do I start?
For those of you who don’t know me or just started following me, this is going to be so hard for me to write. And literally just put myself out there but from what I’ve seen with so many people in these Communities, maybe it’s a good thing to let people know what’s been going on with me. Some of you may have noticed, especially with my writing, that I’m not doing well. And I haven’t been doing well for a long ass time! Actually, it’s about two years now, that I haven’t been doing well, mentally.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me or what’s going on me! I can go days, weeks even and still be my usual sarcastic, sassy, witty, bad jokes/puns gal (and yes some days are better than others). But then, there are days where I just want to crawl up in bawl and just, bawl my eyes out. I don’t know how to explain this without sounding crazy, but it’s like having two people telling ya two different things!
One person is telling ya that you’re nothing, that you’ll never be anything, you’re work is nothing, that you getting a degree is completely pointless since you’ll never stand out, you’re just average that’s all you’ll ever be! You just have mediocre talent, that’s all you’ll ever be is mediocre. Look around you, this is what you’ll be doing for the rest of your life. Retail, and never moving forward!
Then the other person will be telling you to not listen to that voice and all you have to do is just smile. Pretend that everything's alright! We can’t let people know that we’re hurting. If they know that then all they’ll do is just pity us. We have to be the strong, independent, “I got this,” woman. What will that think if they saw that we not that?
I know it sounds weird and maybe there is something wrong with me, but yeah. And there have been days where it has gotten extremely bad. And when I mean bad, I mean bad! Sometimes, I know what will trigger it and I try to so hard to avoid that at all cost. Hell, I can’t even watch Doki Doki without skipping so many parts, and one of Sean’s videos last month I had to skip to the end b/c of the warning at the beginning. And when this happens I try to so hard either ignore the Intrusive Thoughts that’s been plaguing me (unfortunately this doesn’t make the problem go away nor does it help at all!). And I also try to block them, push them so far back in the back of my mind but the more I try to do that the more, the Intrusive Thoughts keeps popping up (and I don’t mean Remus Sanders form Sanders Sides either!). And when I can’t ignore it or block or get them out of my head, I tend to lash out on people. If I have done that to anyone reading this, I am so sorry!
But it also, has gotten so bad with these thoughts that at one point. I literally wondered, “Would anyone noticed?” If I stopped posting all together and never made another post ever! Would anyone noticed? If I literally never showed up at work ever again! Would anyone noticed? If you’re wondering where this is going, or have figured it out. Yeah, I had thought about it or even wondered about suicide. When that happened I knew that I needed help, it’s just that I’ve been so ashamed! Ashamed that I’m not “Normal.” That I’m battling with myself and don’t even know what the hell is wrong with me?! That “Normal” people don’t have constant mood swings when there not on their period. That “Normal” people don’t fucking start crying for no reason! I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I need to seek help to figure it out. I did group therapy before but it was, “It sounds like you have this. It might be this. It sounds like you might have this and my (insert family/co-worker/partner here) had it and this what they did.” And it would work for a while but then it would stop working after a while and then I’m back at square one.
The other big reason why I need to take a break is because recently I lost my Grandpa. He was 84 years old when he passed away. We had his funeral last week and it still hitting me hard. I know this would be the last thing that he ever wanted me to do would be sitting here bawling my eyes out. He would want to celebrate and share stories about the life he had. I know he’s with Grandma, but it still hurts!
Right now, I’m looking for a therapist. If anyone has any recommendations, I’ll be more then grateful to try them! But I’m not going to be on Tumblr, Discord, or any other Social Media for a while now. All of this on top school (I’m going to pass that damn class!) and working at a job that I am absolutely starting to hate right now! Yeah, I need to get my shit together! And when I do come back, I’ll be posting again.
Oh, and HAPPY WRITING! HAPPY THEORIZING! HAPPY CREATING!!!
And as always, I’ll see all of ya guys, gals, demons, ghouls and Fiends, in the next post. C’ya!
the nonsense is just under 140k. i had to start a fourth doc to keep it from getting too unwieldy...
i’m a year and a half away from ROGUE ONE so i’m in the peculiar situation where i’m going to reach ROGUE ONE too quickly, like before I can re-watch it over spring break, when it’s out on DVD. (i HAVE to rewatch it before i really dig into the ROGUE ONE scenes because i have notes to take now when i watch it...)
so i will likely take a break (which i kinda have to do, because of finals)
hopefully i do not lose whatever has been driving me to do this when i need it the most: i.e., the end, when i have to stick the landing
i have a list of scenes/stuff i know i have to write for the ROGUE ONE parts and i’ve been pretty good about writing down random sentences i come up with but yikes.
