Rose

your favorite dipshit dog.

[rosebud2829]

Tumblr is my personal outlet of feelings cuz only like one person actually reads my blog <3

so please enjoy my rants,my thoughts,and random word puke that i have to offer <3

[rosebud2829]

OMFG I JUST REALIZED THAT TUMBLR WORKS NOW. I CAN ADD PICTURES TO POSTS. I HAD FORGOTTEN THAT I NEEDED TO SAFE DRAFT THEN POST ON MY LAPTOP ABD WAS LIKE "oh fuck" BUT IT WENT THROUGH.

HALLELUJAH

[rosebud2829]

New art alert!! This one i cant post on my personal insta for.. obvious reasons. But ill post on here bc im proud of it!

(TW!! Blood, Bruise, Bitemark, Bullethole, Implied Suicide/Murder)

[rosebud2829]

"You can come to me when youre upset" yeah but its a lot less hassle to be stonefaced and then cry away from you than to get into a fight and then cry in front of you.

[rosebud2829]

I punched a human of mine really hard in the arm today because he started saying "its cause youre dating *insert homie here* huh. Idk it seems weird that you two are around each other so much. Awhh protecting him again" and he very much had to stop himself because i was about ready to punch his lights out on those concrete steps.

I cant go into details nor do i want to (hell if you look back far enough you can put pieces together) but i genuinely dont like when people start saying we're dating or have feeling for each other. Its a touchy subject for me and I know he definitely doesnt like it. I told him not to joke about that but didnt explain why as we were about to head inside for something.

Im so close to hating his guts he pisses me off so badly.

[rosebud2829]

Vent 5/25/26

I just want to be pretty. I want to look good in a swimsuit. I want to have the choice of wearing swimtrunks with my swimsuit. I just wanted to be pretty.

"You need a proper swimsuit. If it fits dont ask for anything else." "She tried to get away with wearing boys swim shorts but.. no."

I wanted to wear a one piece and shorts or a top and shorts. I wanted to wear this orange halter top that i loved the design of and a pair of swim bottoms that covered me. I didnt want the stuff that covers my tummy because when i get in the water it gets around my arms and it frustrated me and feels like something is touching me. I wanted to look pretty in my cute halter top and shorts like the skinny girls who get patterned swimsuits. Instead i had to get the only good color of plus swim suit which was black, with a square neck that i hate, and the stupid skirt that goes over my bottom half that will just float up anyways or stick to me, and it doesnt even cover me completely when tied.

I went back into my room and looked at myself, really looked at myself, and cried. I never do that. A little self loathing yes, but i was feeling so good recently about how i looked. Right then, in the mirror, i had never felt so disgusted and upset with how i looked. I felt old, i felt ugly, i felt like no matter what i do i couldnt keep up with how to look because im fat.

I sat there and actually cried for a solid couple minutes before i took the thing off and went to get in the shower.

And now? I almost dont want to go. I almost want to skip it entirely. Im going to starve myself the next 2 weeks leading up to it because i cant stand myself. I cant do this anymore

Im sick of looking like this.

[rosebud2829]

Is this really fun? Am i actually finding interest in this? Or am i just trying to get my mind off of something im avoiding like the plague because my mind is drawn back to it constantly.

[rosebud2829]

The more i try to get out from having even the smallest inkling of a crush on this dude, the more he accidentally gives me to think about.

Im never gonna escape and idk if im completely mad about it

[rosebud2829]

I wish i had a dick. Not in a man way but bc WDYM BC I DIDNT PISS AFTER I JORKED IT IM IN PAIN.

I hope every fucker with a dick knows that you are LUCKY. ENJOY IT, YOU LUCKY BASTARD.

[rosebud2829]

The way i overlook shit yet i still notice the tiniest random things is so dumb. Its literally just

Not asking to use a drill because adults are using it and just trying to use a screwdriver

But also

Noticing that a friend has a small patch of shaved skin on his leg, not commenting on it but just being so confused and intrigued on why theres just a single bare line of skin on his inner calf

[rosebud2829]

Havent been on tumblr in a bit so went to reblog something and save it to my drafts and it just quick reblogged.

NO i do not want this freaky item to be on public display for anyone who wanders across me, i wanna keep it for mine eyes only!

[rosebud2829]

Im genderfluid but in the way where if im actuvely trying to present as a different gender and it doesnt work i lowkey get upset. If im dressed femininely (visually larger tits, tight or really pretty shirt, fancy earrings and/or makeup, nails done all nice) and i get called a dude all the happiness about my looks gets sucked out of me. Other way around too. If im visually more masc (tighter sports bra to flatten my chest, baggy clothes, messy hair and darker/ less makeup, nails prolly still done, small black hoops) and im identified as a girly girl and talked down to it pisses me off.

When i dress girly, im not girl enough due to my build and voice. When im boyish, im a girl because of my hair and chest.

At this point i prefer to just use they/them if im self inserting because its easier.

[rosebud2829]

I was asked to punch a friend bc they did something mean and they wanted to have a literal consequence, and apparently i throw a good solid punch when not even trying too hard. I hit a human of mine in the face for first touching my homie, then when she touched me weirdly down my back i reflexively got her between the eyes cause i was thinking she went to walk away. I pinned another human of mine to a doorframe by the nape of his neck because i had sent another to go get us drinks and he had taken mine and went to drink from it without asking me and i was already really hot + dehydrated.

I dont normally get genuinely physical with people like that, normally im too scared to. I think something has let go in my brain where its okay to defend myself and the people around me beyond words.

[rosebud2829]

Even though he didnt mean it like that, and even though we're fine, i cant keep the comment from influencing my actions. I let him know ahead of time if im going to leave differently or early so he can leave earlier than me if he wants to. I encourage and remind him to call for a ride sooner than he would be prompted to.

Im scared that im holding him hostage. I know he wont leave but i dont want to be a pest on him or his time. I dont want to be a burden. I cant stop keeping my distance like a stray dog.

I love this human so very much. I dont want to become a chore to be around or talk to.

[rosebud2829]

"Drunk words/actions are sober thoughts" is the reason i dont wanna drink with a group of people when i get to that age. Ill need someone sober to keep me from doing or saying anything stupid. Im scared that if im drunk im going to do something that id never do sober. Something that ill regret for the rest of my life

[rosebud2829]

Would you much on this

Take a pic of the chocolates first but HELL YEAH I WOULD. i love sweets especially chocolate :3

[rosebud2829]

From one sentence said by a close friend im not back into the feelng of pushing everyone away not because i dont like people but because i feel like a horrible person to the point of i dont want them to deal with me anymore. All i am to the people around me is a nuisance, burden, headache, and a ball and chain that is unneeded besides maybe a form of entertainment or advice center.

Im sorry to every person ive ever loved. Im sorry to every person ive ever talked to. Im sorry to all my friends and peers and classmates that youve had to put up with me. Im sorry i am how i am and i know how much it must be annoying to put up with me.

Please leave as fast as you can, i will understand. Dont think about if i will be upset, i probably deserve it, its my penance for being a pest.

Im sorry for everything.