#dwsa ramble

[god-i-dreamed-there-was-an-angel]

In “And Then There Were None”, Moritz is signing at Frau Gabor for majority of the song. When he goes “You’ll write my folks, well okay. Babe that’s how it goes.” he’s looking right at her and signing. He looks to her for a response and when she starts the “My dear boy...,”

It looks as if she’s signing directly to Moritz, but he moves and realizes she’s not even looking at him at all. She looks past him, similarly to how she avoids finding out why he feels he would need to end his life. He just stares at her as she continues on, never looking at him. He looks out to where she’s signing out into the audience before starting the “they’re not my home, not anymore—not like they so were before”.

When signing “not anymore” it’s pointed directly at Frau Gabor, maybe to imply that since she was the closest thing to a mother for him (because he never felt his parents were in the parental role), she’s not anymore. He’s done. Then he’s not pointed towards her at all for the rest of that part, and talking about his actual blood family.

And honestly the idea of the rest of that “They’re not my home, not anymore—not like they so were before. Still, I’ll split and they’ll, like, well... who knows? Who knows? Who knows?” easily COULD apply both to the Gabor family and the Stiefel family. After he signs that part, Frau Gabor promises there’s no change in how she or Melchior see him, but he feels it’s a lie.

For the Gabors:

“They’re not my home, not anymore” - The Gabor household was where he was safe, and they didn’t think of him like a failure. They felt like a genuine family, and he considered it a home.

“Not like they so were before” - Moritz addressing the fact that they weren’t Actually family, and that they never technically were. Those were just Moritz’s feelings.

“Still, I’ll split and they’ll, like, well... who knows? Who knows? Who knows?” - He’s going to end his life, and at first he wanted to think of how the Gabors would react but he just.. can’t. They weren’t his family, he shames himself for ever thinking of them like that. Who knows how they’ll react if they don’t care?

For the Stiefels:

“They’re not my home, not anymore” - He’s talking about how he’s a failure, his father practically said he wasn’t his son. His parents don’t want him. They’re no longer a home, no longer a family.

“Not like they so were before” - Moritz knows that they were never a family. He never was what his parents wanted. His father never felt like a kind father and his mother never felt like a loving mother. They weren’t home, he wasn’t safe there.

“Still, I’ll split and they’ll, like, well... who knows? Who knows? Who knows?” - He’ll leave, he’ll die, whatever, and his parents, he wants them to care, but they won’t. They won’t. Will they pretend to grieve, for the sake of names and reputation? Will they be happier and celebrate? He doesn’t know, and he doesn’t want to.

[god-i-dreamed-there-was-an-angel]

There’s SO much symbolism in the show. I think one of the most heartbreaking things is that Moritz took his father’s gun. The gun his father was cleaning when Moritz told him he failed. And honestly, Moritz could’ve chosen so many other ways to end his life, but I feel like he chose his father’s gun for a reason. Yes, one could argue it’s spur of the moment, because it’s the first thing he sees after his dad storms out. But I feel like the urge for that gun specifically was huge.

Moritz thinks he’s failed everyone around him: the teachers since he couldn’t learn, his classmates because he holds the class up, Melchior (and Frau Gabor, but mainly Melchior) because he just weighs his intelligent friend down. But most importantly, his parents were the final shove. Moritz could care less about his grades—he’s accepted the fact he can’t learn. But his parents, they’re so disgusted with him, so disappointed, they can’t handle him. And that’s the final shove. His dad asking how they can show their faces, Moritz probably applies that to everyone he’s close to. How can they let their names be associated with such a failure?

He takes his father’s gun to end his life, and it honestly just adds more into the thought as to if he lived in an abusive household. Obviously he didn’t have the support from his parents, but Moritz was barely shocked when Herr Stiefel hit him. So if his father were physically abusive at times, and Moritz was running away from it all because he couldn’t deal with letting others be tainted by association, then the gun adds another sad element: Moritz thought his father would be the one who would end his life.

I mean it’s a stretch, but it does make it a lot more upsetting. And even if it wasn’t that exact thought, the gun still belonged to the man who brought the most pain into Moritz’s life, and it still belonged to the man who gave the final push.

Though it’s not really a stretch because little details hold so much information?

And, yes, Moritz had signed something like “Father, please!” (can’t remember exacts right now but it was similar to that) however that was really the only protest. So it kinda made me think that maybe Moritz was scared that once his father came back, after his mom was told he failed, the punishment would be worse. So Moritz’s brain was just runrunrunrunrun because he couldn’t do it any longer.

[god-i-dreamed-there-was-an-angel]

In “The Bitch of Living”, the boys go “it’s the bitch of living” and Moritz goes “just getting out of bed”. This can be a line to reference Moritz’s depression. However, it’s important to note that him taking his life wasn’t directly because he was depressed—it was because he genuinely feared what would happen later after his father truly realized his son failed. Moritz needed to escape, but he couldn’t, and Moritz knows his father wont hold back later once he returns. And Moritz’s lack of acceptance from his father (which can be caused by the idea of Moritz being trans) led to the abuse he endured at home, and that leads to failing more at school (plus, if DWSA, the disconnect from being Deaf and not being allowed to sign) because he simply cannot focus on it all.

He didn’t take his own life because he wanted to stop existing. He did all he could to get away from his father, and the only option left was to do the extreme. He didn’t want to though, and he tried to go with Ilse afterwards, but then he just.. couldn’t. He gave up in that moment. I think his depression is definitely seen by viewers, but strangely enough, not the way he actually suffered with it. Because a lot of people think he wanted to die, but he didn’t. I bet if he survived his attempt, he wouldn’t want to try again. As in, I feel if he had died, he wouldn’t be upset—but I don’t think it’s his depression that he assumed would kill him. Like, he never really considered ACTUALLY taking his life. He was depressed, yes, and it was a huge part of him. But nobody’s seeing it how it actually impacts him, because a lot of people think all depression is the same.

Moritz probably doesn’t even think he’s depressed, he just thinks that it’s how life is supposed to be. And he’s left behind and confused and heartbroken but also so unbelievably alive that it TERRIFIES him, and he simply doesn’t know what to do. His depression mixes with his anxiety and basically makes it the most visible parts of him, but he doesn’t even notice, and nobody else does either. He assumes it’s normal. Moritz is left behind in knowledge and doesn’t even realize how trapped he is.

In all of the music numbers, he transports to a more freed version of himself and he doesn’t even realize it. But the signs are all there—his confidence and strength and emotions are much more prominent. Moritz is both so dead and so terribly alive, but he’s blind to it all, and the lack of realization to how real he truly is, that’s what leads to his downfall.