new ever after high headcanon: cupid is I mean cupid; she's the daughter of the god of love and she literally set up True Heart's Day and runs a podcast to help people with their love-related issues.
what i'm trying to get at is that cupid is THE person to go to if you want advice on romance or love in general yk, and my headcanon is that cupid's advice is usually great, is guaranteed to almost always work; she knows what she's talking about and you should always listen to what she's saying.
but faced with her own relationship??? i know for a FACT this girl is out here making the most atrocious puns EVER and it is only because blondie loves her to hell and back that she bears the horrible attempts at flirting.
essentially; cupid giving the best relationship advice known to man to other people but being a swagless rizzless loser in her own relationship and god knows how and why but blondie's into it so it works???
imagine like:
apple: blondie i really don't understand what you're trying to say; I'm sure cupid's flirting isn't that bad she's cupid after all!
blondie: no apple you don't understand-
cupid spawning into existence: blondie did it hurt when you fell from the vending machine?
apple: ???
blondie: oh no, it's happening again.
cupid: because you're a snack!!! *finger guns away*
Summary: What if the Ever After High universe went by Soap Opera rules?
Inspired by this post by @rhododaktyloi (it didn't go in that particular direction but it was sure inspired by it lol)
AO3 link
“Ashlynn, we can’t keep hiding like this. We shouldn’t hide our love.”
“Oh, Hunter! I know, but what can we do? Our love,” she turns around and shakes her fist, “is forbidden.”
“I don’t care! I love you, I love you so much I have to shout it from the rooftops! I LOVE–”
“Don’t!” Ashlynn turns, only to misplace her foot. It gave out under her, sending her falling down a small cliff into a bush.
“ASHLYNN, NOOOOOO–” Hunter reaches out in vain and can’t help but start tearing up as he's unable to do anything but watch the love of his life roll down the cliff.
Ashlynn groans and gets up, a superficial scar now on her cheek. She’ll have to cover that with makeup, a princess can’t be anything but perfect.. She’s quickly distracted, though, by some noises on the other side of the bush. Curious, she makes a hole through the bush and watches Cerise having a picnic. With her mother. And… the Big Bad Wolf? What was going on!?
“Cerise. We have something to tell you.”
“What is it, mom?”
“Cerise… You…. You have a twin!”
Cerise and Ashlynn gasp!
Then Cerise stops. “Wait. I already know that. Ramona.”
This time only Ashlynn gasps, Ramona and Cerise are sisters? That meant that Red Riding Hood and the Big Bad Wolf were…were…married? But it was forbidden! Like her love for Hunter. Could this be a sign?
Red Riding Hood continues. “No, Cerise. Ramona isn’t actually your twin, she’s 11 months older than you. We’ve been hiding it so we didn’t have to plan more than one birthday party a year!”
This time, Cerise does indeed gasp. “Then… Then who is my twin?”
Little Red looks down at the ground, “I… I had an affair! With Robin Hood! Your twin is Sparrow Hood.’
“But- But my ears-”
“Yes, you are still the Big Bad Wolf’s daughter. I… suggest you don’t question it.”
Cerise gasps yet again, but someone else gasps as well. Sparrow steps through some bushes, looking his apparent mother in the eye. “What!? But- but how! I thought I got my hair from my mom- er- Maid Marian!”
Little Red holds up her red cloak, “Again… I suggest you don’t question it.”
Sparrow slumps his way back to campus, devastated at the reveal. To make matters worse, Cupid rushes up to him. “Sparrow, my love, I have not been honest with you! I… I’m not actually a goddess! I’m a monster! A bone elemental!”
“But… Your father is Eros!?”
“I was… adopted.” Cupid, desperate for comfort, threw her arms around Sparrow.
However, they were spotted by none other than Duchess Swan. She was in the middle of running an errand for the White Queen when she stumbled upon her boyfriend being hugged by someone who he had clearly said was just a friend!
She storms over, “Sparrow, you cheater! You jerk! You liar!”
“Duchess?” He looks between her and a confused Cupid. He roughly pushes Cupid away, “It’s not what it looks like! I swear!”
“Really? It looks like you and Pinky here are together.”
“We- we-”
“Duchess, I’m sure there’s just been a big misunderstanding.” Cupid tries to calm her down.
Duchess is having none of it! She starts flapping around, spilling feathers everywhere. Cupid tries to comfort her but only succeeds in grabbing her dress. Big mistake because that slight pull reveals Duchess to actually be three swans stacked on top of each other!
Duchess whines, tears in her eyes. “Can this day get any worse?”
Devastated, Duchess runs away from Sparrow and Cupid, knocking into Farrah in the process. The fairy godmother in training trips over her, her wand slipping from her hand in the process. It flies across the courtyard, finally stopping when its point boops Cedar Wood right on the nose. Her face turns to panic as she sprouts branches and leaves, turning into a tree. As if that wasn’t bad enough, the wand then lands on Dexter’s shoe, turning him into… a guy with translucent blue skin?
He looks at his hands and gasps before turning invisible, leaving Darling and Daring shocked.
“Dexter!?”
The boy hesitates before becoming visible again. “I’m not Dexter… I’m Invisi-Billy.”
Daring reaches for his hip, as if he would like to unsheathe his sword. Unfortunately, Headmaster Grimm won’t let him carry one around anymore. “Then where is our brother!?”
He messes with his hands, “He’s gone. Sorta. Grimm took me from my school and told me that Dexter had gotten himself hurt in a dragon fighting incident. I’ve been in his place for the last several months.”
Daring drops to his knees, “NOOOOOOO!”
Meanwhile, a conveniently placed Raven watches in horror. “You’re telling me my boyfriend has been missing for months?”
Invisi-Billy nods, “I think he’s in a coma.”
“Take me to him! I-I love him, I can’t continue not knowing where he is now that I know he’s gone…”
And so, Apple takes Raven to the nearest hospital. Using her princess charm, she manages to obtain some files and figures out where Dexter should be. She sends Raven off to see her comatose boyfriend, but sticks around after finding something curious catches her eye…
As Raven sits next to Dexter’s bedside, an intern walks in. He’s in scrubs and has a face mask on. All Raven can see is his glasses and brown hair, and yet, she’s drawn to him… She finds herself idly flirting with him, until she shakes her head. “I can’t be acting like this,” she picks up Dexter’s hand, “this is my boyfriend! What kind of person would I be if I got with another guy while my boyfriend needed me?”
The intern shakes his head, “I can guarantee he’s not your boyfriend, Raven.”
“How would you know? And how do you know my name–?”
“Because,” he pulls off his face mask, “I’m Dexter.”
Raven blinks, her mouth hanging open. “I… what?”
“This guy,” he gestures to the comatose Dexter, “is my twin brother. Mom wanted him to be a doctor and dad wanted me to be the typical prince Charming. We much preferred each other’s life. So, we decided to switch for a day. I’d start his medical internship, and he’d go slay dragons for me. Things… didn’t go as planned. I figured you’d come visit and I could tell you who I really was then, but you never showed up…”
“Oh, Dexter… But, how come I don’t know this guy?”
“Well… my great-great-great-great-great grandfather on my mom’s side was, like, a really good doctor. No one in the family has been a doctor since, so when we were born, our mom picked him to be a doctor. He was sent to a boarding school when he was very young. We never really talked about him…”
Raven was about to respond when Apple burst into the room, looking like she’d seen a ghost. “Raven!”
“What is it, Apple?”
Apple holds out a file, “You- You need to read this!”
Raven takes the file and coughs!
“Right?” Apple nods with her eyes wide.
“Sorry, Apple, had something in my throat. Also, I don't know what I'm supposed to be looking at.”
“Here, let me help you. She turns the page and points at something.
Raven gasps! “This means- this means- “
“Yes.” Apple nods solemnly. “It means we were switched at birth.”
“Gasp!” Dexter gasps!
The trio left the room but, unbeknownst to them, there was a slight spike in the heart rate monitor.
Raven and Apple both call their dads. They’re frantically asking questions.
“What does this all mean?”
“What about our destinies?”
“What about MOM?”
Their dads seem to be out of breath for some reason. Apple finally asks, “Dad, are you okay? You sound out of breath.”
“Oh, I’m fine, Raven, darling.”
“What? It’s me, Apple! Dad, what’s going on?”
There’s silence from both dads’ ends. Finally, they hear both their dads say. “Honey. Put the mirrorphone on speaker. There’s something you both should know.”
Confused as ever, they put their phones on speaker.
“Apple. Raven.The thing is… you’re both sisters!”
“What?!” They both scream at once.
“Yes. So not only were the two of you switched at birth, you’re also half-sisters.”
Raven and Apple look at each other before Raven quietly whispers, “Sister?”
Apple responds. “Sister.”
They hug tearfully.
In the next hospital room over, Madeline Hatter watches over a comatose Brooke Page. “I miss you, Brooke. I miss your silly jokes,” she sniffs. “If only I hadn’t taken you to Wonderland, you would have never fallen into that pond of tea and wouldn’t have gone into a coma. I should’ve known you couldn’t handle that much Wonder…” She falls to the floor in tears, her hand holding Brooke’s, “I’m sorry, Brooke. I’m so, so sorry.”
And then it dawns on Maddie: true love’s kiss. Can’t that save everyone? She leans up and kisses Brooke, feeling Wonderland energy surge into her from her girlfriend.
Sure as day, Brooke’s eyes flutter open.
Oof, that was quite the nap I had, huh, Maddie?
“Brooke? You’re okay!”
Yeah! What did I miss? Why is everyone crying? Apple, Raven. Duchess, Cupid, Sparrow, Apple’s dad, Raven’s dad, Dexter, Daring, Darling, Cerise, Farrah, Cedar… seriously, what just happened?
“Beats me. We were having a wonderful tea party in Wonderland one moment, and now here I am.”
Hmm…
“I’m sure it was something Wonderlandiful. Biscuit?” She holds out a roast chicken from her hat.
If you have any sort of problems or face some sort of confusion in trying to figure out the Ever After High timeline or just eah in general, please do not hesitate to send me your questions.
Please, you’d be doing me a favor. I didn’t spend 8 sleepless nights piecing together this stupid timeline to not tell it to people.
