#ebonydusk

[ebonydusk]

Insomniac Ramblings

Here I am again. Wide awake and having not slept a wink. Struck by insomnia that can be explained by so many things. And here I am again thinking that maybe typing this out here will help me think. Will help me figure out why. But I know it won’t. I’ve always been plagued by insomnia. Therapists and counselors and psychiatrists have said various different things to me about what causes it. Only I know half of what they say is completely bullshit. More than half honestly.

If you were constantly worried about your self worth, health, mental stability, home life, pets, parents, and the list goes on, day in and day out and your brain just doesn’t SHUT UP...you’d never sleep either. I sleep I don’t rest. I sleep I have nightmares. Only way I truly sleep and rest is if I’m too tired to do anything else. The cycle is exhausting by itself.

I try finding solace in things I enjoy. But lately the things I enjoy have limited themselves. I used to love my writing. LOVE it. So much. It was dear and precious to me. But even that has started leaving a sour taste in my mouth. Always worried that it won’t be good enough. That people will judge it through biased eyes. Worried that I’ll seem stupid. Simple. Dumb. Worried that there isn’t even a point in trying anymore. Even simple things like writing for a fucking forum has gotten tedious and turned to a chore when it used to be fun.

I’ve started reading more again. I’ve been playing games I always enjoyed. But I still miss interacting with people online. People that I get along with and talk to about things we enjoy. But many of them have lives, jobs, college, etc. I can’t fault them for that. Not ever. I have a life too. I have a house, a husband, three dogs, a roommate who’s probably my best real life friend aside from my husband. I’m far from social though. I’m a shut in. I’m terrified of the world outside. I go out there cause it’s necessary. Otherwise? I don’t fucking leave the house unless forced to or accompanied by my roommate or husband. And why should I ever leave? People outside are judgmental, mean, spiteful, selfish, cruel, petty things. Yes there are good people. Great people. Ones that sometimes give me a slight hope for humanity...but they are so far and few between to me these days.

I think my current bout of insomnia is from one particular thing. I was having bad headaches again. For a while. Didn’t really tell my friends about it cause I didn’t want people to worry. Cause the last time I had this problem? They found a lump inside my head. Harmless but still there. This time they found nothing but they still want to treat the migraines. So I’ll be going in at the end of the month to get a nice strong shot and laid up for monitoring just in case. In the meantime they put me on some pretty strong meds to help with the pain in my head when it happens. They work pretty well...but I dislike how fuzzy I get.

Even before this I was starting to...waver. In many things. Me and my husband trying to have a baby...it was such a hard decision after everything that had happened. But i wanted to try. With little success since that decision it’s been disheartening and we’ve stopped really ‘trying’. I’ve accepted by now that it wasn’t meant to be. It hurts. Very much but I’ve accepted it. So now I focus on trying to make myself happy again. I know I should see someone again about getting back on my depression meds and my anxiety ones. I just...I was doing so well. Now I feel like I failed. Again.

I don’t have a lot of real life friends. Ones that I hang out with that I can reach out and touch. Just one. Our roommate. He’s been a friend for well over a decade now. But I like to think I have plenty of ‘real life friends’ online. Good people. People I’ve met through various means. Most of it, writing and art. I love them. So very much. I don’t think they will ever really know how much they mean to me. I’m sure I’m just one tiny blip in their world of people they know and call friend. To me? They are, even in their bleakest moments of depression, rage, etc., rays of light in my life. Those little online names that I see that make me smile and brighten my day when I see them. Even if I’m too anxious or scared to reach out and tell them or even to say hello and have a nice day, in fear of being a pest. Or too intrusive. Or they just don’t like me as much as I think. I try to be there. Even if never spoken too. I try to be available to speak. To listen. Even if I NEVER understand what they are going through I want to be there.

And I think that’s one of the other reasons I’ve gotten so...hollow inside. I feel like I’ve lost touch with people I’ve loved and cared about for a very long time. Some might be more recent than others. But still just as important to me. I don’t know if it’s my fault or not. If it is I wish I could fix it? If its’ all in my head...I’m too afraid to confirm it or not. All I can ever hope is that despite how busy they all are they know I’m thinking of them. That I care. That I’m here. That SOMEONE is happy they are alive and that they make someone’s life that much better for having existed in it. Even if only digitally. Most of them will never even know I wrote this. Won’t even see it. It’s ok. I don’t mind. I just needed to write things down. Things that have been sitting heavy in my head and heart.

My brain rambles a lot when I try writing these things. Often way off the topic I wanted to speak about. Doesn’t make it any less true. I hope all of you out there that know me, that have known me a long time and I have called friend even for a brief time know that I think you’re wonderful. That I hope you’re lives only ever get better and even if it feels like life has been constantly kicking you when you’re down that someone is here loving you. Supporting you as much as they can.

You lot out there are why even when I feel like I have no reason to keep going. No reason to keep breathing. Or caring. That I do. That I do keep waking up or staying here to see another day. Thanks for one of the reasons I don’t give up. 

[aendir]

Ebylin Desir Dusk

[aendir]

Murlancacash Kidani Venis

[ebonydusk]

I apologize to other followers for the sudden spam of food porn. I’m tormenting a friend of mine. <3

[brandytusk]

Tagged by voodyrambles!

1. Why did you choose your URL?

Planet Oob is an actual planet in a made up universe of mine, home to the Oobilan, an alien race that is entirely made for comedic purposes. They have bird-like heads, anteater tongues and vestigial forearms. They have humanoid spines, skin, butts, and genitals, with a singular centered boob on their chests. They hop around on one jointed, somewhat deer-like leg and live in tribes led by the female with the largest mammary. The planet is mostly water and the only continent leads into an enormous volcano in the center so from space the planet looks like a giant tit. I'm...not sorry.

2. What is your middle name?

Ann, though I was not supposed to have a middle name. My first name and middle name were supposed to be one word. Oops.

3. If you could own a fairy-tale/fictional pet, what would it be?

Gryphon? Gryphon. That. Griffin. That thing. Burbmeows.

4. Favorite color?

Construction/Traffic cone orange. Also extremely pale pink near to white, green-favoring turquoise, and brownish black (liver red in animals).

5. Favorite song?

Mystery Skulls - Money, has been for a few years now. Anything by Fall Out Boy is good and helps me art but isn't 'favorite'. As for 'of all time'? It'd be a toss up between "Mother Earth and Father Time" from 1973's Charlotte Web and the entire soundtrack from 1997's Anastasia (despite the movie's glaring historical inaccuracies, it's my favorite film, period).

6. What are your top 3 fandoms?

Dragon Age, Elder Scrolls, and Legend of Dragoon.

7. Why do you enjoy Tumblr?

Mostly it's the art and the few good people that crop up in fandom communities.

8) Tag 9 of your tumblr crushes (This isn’t a question. Maybe it is.) If I tag you, you don’t have to do this thing, if you don’t want to.

draconargentum, theladyregret, ebonydusk, haxardragon, spixpanda, snubbull, niikudragon, pooperscoopin, khdgar

[ebbystory]

Bittersweet Symphony

There is something to say about living well into one's nineties. You see and experience so many different things. Change, good and bad, sweep through a place with time. She could remember when the place she called home had been nothing but a barely living hole in the ground. The memories were fuzzy and possibly not all accurate but they were there. Her dearest companion had a better memory for such things. But even they were having trouble remembering now. Neither could even recall what they had been doing a few hours ago that had been so upsetting. Yet they knew it had been. A coughing fit next to her jarred the blurred memory to clarity for a moment. 

Right. Sickness. A rarity for others like them. But no amount of healthy diet, exercise, and carefulness could have prevented it. The terrible thing grew and ate at her partner's insides, much like their ancient enemy did through skin and bone.

"We both know that no amount of bed rest will make this go away. I won't spend my last few moments of life curled up in my furs waiting for death," The woman still stood tall and proud even at her advanced age. Many envied the fact she had lived such a long life. Survived Turns of change and the return of Threadfall with nothing more than a few scars. One hundred and five turns old, it was a miracle she could even still stand on her own. Most would tell you it was her own dragon keeping her alive. They'd be mostly right too. Her dragon and her own sharding stubbornness and determination. "That just isn't how I want to go."

I know. Down in a blaze of glory, was it? The old gold lowered her great head to her rider's level to look at her with those brilliant, jewel like eyes. The swirling, shifting colors constantly going between yellow, blue, and wisps of grey. Her rider looked into those eyes with her own faded gray eyes. They had once been the color of polished steel but now they were more like dark storm clouds. 

"Balovith..." One word. It held all her fear, her sadness, her anger at the unfairness of life. Together since Yerin had been a scrawny nobody girl of thirteen standing on those hot sands. Her chocolate brown skin itching from the combined heat of summer and the baking Hatching Sands. Her short cropped hair sticking to her head from all the sweat and her robe far too big for her. So much time together and at the end of it all...it was still too little.

Yerin. My heart. My soul. My one and only. It is ok. There is nothing to fear. We have lived this life together and we shall end it the same. Her eyes at last settled into a calm, sea green shade. Acceptance. Though the edges still held the sad grey. How could she not still feel blue? To never again wake up to her Yerin grumbling about young Riders and their lack of respect, to never have her curl up against her on the nights the desert grew too chilly? No more special trips to the beach to spend the week together alone.

Yerin felt her heart breaking with each blurred memory her dragon went through. Her own a little more clear to make up for it. But only a little.

"You know...one thing that bothers me about this? No one will remember us. They've already forgotten we exist. No one ever remembers a gold that never laid an egg or her rider who never took a proper weyrmate." She winced thinking about it. That and the growing pain in her abdomen. Balovith had been an extreme oddity. Never in all her Turns of Flying and being caught by fertile suitors had she ever laid a clutch. Sterile. Without touching a crumb of firestone. Soon no one paid attention when the gold would Fly. Only one persistent brown had ever bothered. Balovith had been immensely fond of him too. The rider though had never bothered showing up at Yerin's door. She didn't mind. Sex had never interested her to begin with.

They will remember. We will not go quietly. Before the cold between take us they will see us and remember. There was a fierceness in the gold's voice that made Yerin smile. Balovith had always been a calm and collected dragon. Preferring strategy over blind attack and cunning over dumb luck. A charmer through and through, backed by a heart as big as Rukbat and shone just as bright. Balovith was still looking at her rider but the calm colors were shifting more toward grey as they talked. The pain in Yerin's gut was getting worse as the Fellis wore off. Soon it would be so crippling she wouldn't be able to breathe. 

"We should get going. I don't want that to be what we feel before..." She couldn't finish. It was so hard to imagine never seeing her home again. Never wake up in that shaffit old bed of furs to the sound of her many neighbors firelizards and darters chirping annoying away in the dawn. On second thought, she wouldn't miss that too much. Balovith lowered her whole body down as low as she could. There was no need for any gear. Not for where they were going. Yerin's entire body protested with aches, pains, and snap, crackles, and pops as she climbed. With a bit of help from her dragon of course. 

Sitting there in her usual seat upon her dragon's back she felt that familiar warmth in her chest. The excited beating that always came with knowing they'd soon be in the sky. She felt young again. Balovith stood at the very edge of her ledge high above the Bowl. When the time had come for them to choose a place to live they had chosen the highest place in the Weyr. Sure the ones near the ground were probably better suited for such a large dragon but they wanted to be close to the sky.

Gold wings flared open to show more flecks of cobalt on her sails. The metallic sheen of her hide making them shimmer and sparkle like diamonds. She was freshly oiled and bathed thanks to some over eager candidates the evening before. Balovith raised her head high and let out a deafening bugle. It shook the air like a thunderclap  and echoed across the still awakening Weyr. With that she lunged from her ledge as graceful as a shipfish leaping from the sea. 

Another bugle, this one still loud but more melodious. Balovith was 'singing' to the Weyr now. No keening, so angry roars, no wailing. Beautiful bugles and trills of remembrance and goodbyes to the place they had called home all their lives. 

As spectators gathered below to see what the commotion was about Yerin leaned forward to lay herself on Balovith's neck. The pressure helped with the pain growing in her intestines. No words were needed now. Her gratefulness was felt. Balovith kept her promise to make them all see, to give them a memorable exit.

Her bugles died away and the air grew still. Balovith and Yerin's eyes slid closed together as they relished the feeling of being together. Flying high and free with no more responsibilities to the Weyr to hold them down.

My heart.

My soul.

My one and only.

Together forever.

'Till the Moon's fall.

'Till the stars fade.

'Till death.

And beyond.

They said their oath together as they had that night after Impression, the beginning of a new life. One said before and after every hardship, after every joy and victory, before and after every battle and loss. Now at the end of a long life. Filled with all those things but not a single regret.

The moment seemed to last an eternity to the pair, but below it happened in a matter of seconds. 

One last bugle of goodbye to the rest of Pern and a sudden laugh from the Rider, gone unheard by those below. Then with a blink, they were gone. That last resounding bugle still echoed through the air. Many of those watching had recognized the two and knew, deep down, they weren't coming back. Others kept watching as if expecting to see them pop back up at any moment. They left after a few minutes feeling disappointed.

Now in the world of Pern if you told someone who had seen the apparition of someone who was known to be long dead...You'd get laughed at or shown to the nearest Mindhealer. But there are those that swear, when they are flying in the skies high above an old Weyr in the desert, they can see a dragon and rider soaring through the clouds. Doesn't sound strange does it? What some won't admit is that they recognize the pair. A much younger version of an old Gold pair that had lived in the Weyr long ago. They appear as if part of the clouds themselves. Fuzzy and almost transparent.

Some say they only appear when someone in the Weyr was about to die. They'd fly alongside them as they were being taken Between as if to comfort them, to guide them. This was only if the one dying was going Between willingly without having died first. 

No one knows if its true. Some don't even admit to seeing them. The only others that see them are the ones gone Between. Who are they gonna tell? But to many its a comfort to know there just might be someone waiting and watching over them from beyond what is thought to be endless 'nothing'. If the Pernese had a notion of the word and its meaning, they might just call the pair their own 'guardian angel'. 

[ebonydusk]

All the world alone...

~The world is quiet in the night. Shrouded in shadow and brightened by moonlight. But no one to watch the stars shine and fall. Not a soul to listen to a spirit's lonely call. Night after night, day after day, she wanders and waits. Wondering if being the last alive is the will of the fates. She mourns for companionship and longs for happiness. Watching over her silent mountain valley no longer bringing her an ounce of bliss.~

Lonely Creature: Is there no one left? Am I the last guardian in the land? Why won't anyone answer me!

How she shouts at the sky where spirits and gods once looked down upon her world. Now they were silent as the night. No comfort came. And she knew...that in all the world...she was alone.

(just something that popped into my head. It was going to be a neat little 'continue this story and rp with me!' sort of thing but its crap. don't mind me.)

[jitterfish]

Hi~

— ebonydusk

You sent this as a fanmail so:

Why do you sing to everybody but me? Why do I let it go on? You know that you've got such a music box song in my head all day long You fell for a girl with wild eyes, dressed in satin and lace Oh, but she's just an empty diamond mine with a moan across her face I can love you much better