I wish everybody without a skin condition a very *balls my fists so hard, I start sweating so hard my, hands start itching so hard I need to leave,,, so hard*
underneath the line is a rant about eczema including mentions of sexual intimacy, body dysmorphia, a toxic relationship and self harm. Please read at your own leisure and don't hold me accountable for your discomfort.
Online, I've always been open about my life journey with eczema and how it's affected my mental health and physical health but I don't actually think a lot of people understand unless you have it yourself.
Growing up, I've always been told that chucking a bit of cream on it won't hurt. That it's contagious and that people should stay away from me. That eczema is a disgusting DISEASE that no one wants so we should hate on this girl who has it because she's different.
I've had eczema since the day I was born. My entire family has some form of illnesses surrounding their skin: dermatitis, psoriasis, eczema etc and they've had to cope with my 'friends' and classmates avoid me because of several patches of dry skin on my arms. Through years of treatments, injections (which I hate), steroid creams and moisturizers, my parents have fought for me to be able to live a relatively normal life. So when they hear me getting bullied, they get so angry that it hurts them.
Nowadays, I'm way more lucky with the fact that I have some really cool friends and family members who helps and understands what it's like to have eczema, even some of my friends having eczema or some form of skin illness that they're struck by.
However, last year, I had a really bad rou gh patch that I'm still healing over. Around the beginning of August, I had my first boyfriend ever for a few months and whilst it was slow, it was okay. Until one day, he asked for images. He wanted images of my thighs and my legs because he thought it was sexy and attractive for me to look like what he wanted me to look like - essentially a dumb girl who follows his ideas and needs. I remember distinctively a conversation that we had about it where I told him a..bout my eczema. For several weeks, I didn't want to send him anything (I didn't do anything don't worry) as at the time I was having dupixent injections in my legs for my eczema medication. One of the side effects of it though is that it left scar tissue and bruises on my thighs from where I had to take it every fortnight. After months of him asking (bearing in mind, I was incredibly naïve at this point and was confused in life so I didn't realise it was a bad thing to do,) I blocked him and removed him from everything I had him on. However, I was left feeling very insulted and insecure and then developed body dysmorphia.
Instead of rambling about it, I'll tell you one of the key aspects of having eczema makes me essentially dread stuff in my future. Sex. The debate surrounding how sex is portrayed online, in media or even in real life is already really strong and we can see that sex isn't perfect. As someone with eczema, I'm scared of having that much intimacy to someone I love and then they get disgusted at my body. How am I going to have that level of a relationship if when I'm vulnerable and essentially bare, they ridicule me and act disgusted? Having someone who will love me for me is genuinely going to be a miracle.
That's one of the hardest things in life as well as something else - weddings. I was always the child growing up that daydreamed about her future wedding and eczema plays a big and negative amount now because of weddings dresses. The amount of times I've seen wedding dresses and other dresses in general and felt so uncomfortable in my own body because I couldn't wear them was a huge deal. I see those videos online where you choose which dress you like the best and I get so upset because I have to think of which ones will cover my arms and eczema and it BARELY happens - most of the dresses has no sleeves at all or when they do, they're small and not in any way covering my eczema.
As a result of all this, I became heavily depressed. Constantly stuck with all my plans, education, sleep and social life all being controlled on how my eczema is that day hurts so bad. I'll never look like those girls that I see on the television or in magazines and I know that. I just wish people would understand what it was like for people like me.
my skin is cracking and screaming for mercy. it’s rough and dry and bleeding and pleading “father… please.. spare some moisture for us poor skin” and then when I give them moisture they’re still screaming at me. the moisture must reach my bones to work
Do you know what? I'm in a slight ranting mood rn about a couple of things.
If you don't want to read this, scroll I don't care. Just don't be an idiot and spread hate.
I've said it before but I have eczema and also asthma which are both legally considered chronic illnesses. So yay, I now have two chronic illnesses. In my family, we all have illnesses that affect our every day lives but something that really annoys me with any long-term illness is the mental effects of it.
I can't vouch for everyone in the world with illnesses but I can vouch for asthma and eczema.
It's so incredibly hard to live with eczema about 90% of the time. The amount of times that me and several people I know has gone into really dark times is crazy. I'm not going to elaborate but if I didn't try and change my mindset around eczema and my body dysmorphia, I won't be here today telling you about this at all.
One thing that affects my mental health surrounding my eczema is social media. Yeah I get how rambling on about filters and fake images suck but it does. I see people online with the whole perfect bodies and it hurts because personally, I don't have a perfect flat stomach, I have a little belly. I think now, I'm more comfortable with my appearance and that's cool but there's still so many people out there who aren't and I try to support them whenever I can.
Other things that affect my eczema:
materials of clothes: most of the time, I can't wear a lot of different materials without it sticking into my cuts, making me sweat and itchy or give me heat patches
HEAT: my body temperature is highly annoying as I can't be too cold or too hot without my eczema being triggered. And that's the same for my asthma - I'll be come wheezy as hell
Stress: whenever I'm overstimulated or really stress, my eczema is also triggered
Those aren't a full list but you get the gist.
I get not everyone has asthma, eczema or any other chronic illnesses or some form of illness but please reach out to those you know that does. It could make their day or even save their life and you'll never know x
