#ed nos

[the-smolborderline-blog]

*thinking about past actions* *obsessing about past actions* "No. Think here. Now, now and now" *feels good* *back to my unfinished thought i was obsessing about*

[autumnbell32]

What really pisses me off is when someone with a tumblr that glorifies eating disorders interacts with mine in any way. You should be fucking ashamed of your public thinspo- some of us want to keep healing from our EDs/not die. Some of us keep pushing that rock up the fucking hill, and sometimes it rolls back down over us and the last thing we need to see is you congratulating yourself on the fact that you don’t have a period anymore. Get fucked, and then go to therapy.

[autumnbell32]

1/14/24 at 2035: Message to Therapist

Hi.  I've been sad about our last appointment- it seemed, I don't know, disharmonious.  I know I keep repeating the same patterns (is that normal?), and I feel like I am not grasping/remembering things I am supposed to be learning very well.  And maybe that is frustrating for you?  I was definitely on the defense, maybe projecting.  Usually I come out of our appointments with at least a little hope, but I honestly just felt stupid and kind of scared- is this the point where literally EVERYONE stops having patience with my issues?  I know what you mean when you say that I reach outside of myself once I get to a certain point with bad depressive episodes.  You are right, I do.  This stuff is isolating, lonely, and mirrors when I used to get so overwhelmed with emotion as a child (and teenager) that I would cry to the nearest adult.  Things that helped in the past that may not help now or have any permanence: reaching outside of myself for inspiration/assistance/hand-holding from others, following plans and lists, being rigid, seeing in black and white.  But I'm not sure what else to do because it is like playing the lottery- one of these things MAY work (they've worked in the past), and it may provide relief (even for several months!).  Do I have to totally abandon my old operating system?  Although, these things are losing their efficacy over time and as I get older, honestly.  

I am on a medical leave.  I am not sure for how long, but I will get some pay while off.  I tried to go to work Thursday, was relieved a supportive manager was going to be there, was packing my lunch and spilled some oatmeal and just broke down.  And then that caused a cascading effect- everything after that made me break down.  One minute I was crying, the next I was filled with so much rage that I felt dizzy.  Not good.  My PCP referred me to a gynecologist that treats PMDD, I see her Tuesday.  I'm hopeful something outside of myself will still provide relief- PMDD is gnarly.  I need a stone, at least one stone, lifted off of me so that I can continue to try (good grief, SOMEONE give me a piece of paper with a plan on it that I can follow and check boxes and tell me they will see me in a week to check my progress because this plan will likely give some relief from the cycles).  The obstinance is just ridiculous- it's like the toddler in me has stomped her foot and said, "No more, someone do something to help or I'm not moving from this spot."  It feels both good and bad, and I don't know how much I am screwing myself in the process, or how many more chances I will get or how many times people (my family included) will continue to help.  

What have I done this past week (jesus, I haven't been at work since December 30th, got a small check last Friday)- watched PBS a lot, cried, cried while watching PBS, did some chores here and there (sometimes while crying), picked up books I long to read and then immediately put them back down because I can't concentrate or be motivated for more than a few minutes, binged, colored in an adult coloring book called "Cat Farts" (it's exactly what it sounds like), and imagined myself being better in the spring somehow (I have visualized this so many times over the last several days- actually progressing in the right direction consistently).  I fall asleep many nights talking on the phone to Josiah because I feel less alone that way.  I'm screwed.  Am I screwed?