#eddie studies

[gaydadeddie]

something like this

[gaybuckley]

‘warzones are my thing’ he says, fraught with fear and anxiety. ‘warzones are my thing’ he says as he steps into buck’s apartment, post battle, presses an ice pack gently to his eye. ‘warzones are my thing’ he says as he sips his beer, avoiding the minefield of ‘I’ statements. ‘warzones are my thing’ he says, talking about who buck loves, about the good man he is, about what it’s like to be cared for in return.

and eddie was a field medic, he fixes things, or at least he used to, so he wades through the warzone, says ‘ice goes on the eye, bud’ with a gentle and practiced voice, and holds the line.

[gaydadeddie]

something like this .. .

[gaydadeddie]

thinking about. god. just. thinking about this kitchen scene from 5x11. about buck asking eddie if he's okay. about eddie putting on a front. about buck saying "you don't have to pretend with me." that it's okay to feel whatever he's feeling. and thinking about the 8x17 kitchen scene. about eddie begging buck to give him space to explore their grief together. about eddie wanting so bad for buck to just ask him if he's okay. because sometimes not telling is a front. and sometimes not asking is a wall. and they've both changed. eddie's changed. he doesn't pretend with buck anymore. he just needs buck to care enough to ask. eddie wants to let buck in so badly. and buck is too consumed by his grief to see him, right in front of him, begging. oh man. something has shifted. oh man.

[gaydadeddie]

also. eddie going back to church. is more about him rediscovering his past, connecting with his upbringing and how it shaped him. than like. going back into repression. he's literally seeking something that's missing. jesus christ. give him TIME.

[gaydadeddie]

[gaydadeddie]

hot priest juice bar conversation is cuckoo bananas. no offense im straight, oh no worries im celibate. ur mustache is hot. i only have it bc i'm not allowed to have a beard. so it's a disguise? you think i'm denying myself juice? i think you're denying yourself joy. i'm shaking you by the shoulders, u are gay.

[gaydadeddie]

don't think we've talked enough about eddie not telling buck about the el paso job. and about the "i was going to tell you" except. im not convinced he was going to. i just. i think it would have come down to the last possible second and eddie would still be torn. and he still wouldnt tell buck, because. well. he. he was never going to take it. despite all logic that said yes i need to take that job. LA is home. buck is home. chris is home. he can have all of that. and he can't have it in el paso. so eddie didn't tell buck, and he got defensive when buck brought it up, because buck never even once thought eddie would stay. and eddie is panicking, thinking, he thinks i want to leave him? i told him that this thing between us matters. and he still. he.