#buck studies

[gaydadeddie]

thinking about. god. just. thinking about this kitchen scene from 5x11. about buck asking eddie if he's okay. about eddie putting on a front. about buck saying "you don't have to pretend with me." that it's okay to feel whatever he's feeling. and thinking about the 8x17 kitchen scene. about eddie begging buck to give him space to explore their grief together. about eddie wanting so bad for buck to just ask him if he's okay. because sometimes not telling is a front. and sometimes not asking is a wall. and they've both changed. eddie's changed. he doesn't pretend with buck anymore. he just needs buck to care enough to ask. eddie wants to let buck in so badly. and buck is too consumed by his grief to see him, right in front of him, begging. oh man. something has shifted. oh man.

[gaybuckley]

spiraling thinking about eddie confessing his love and buck giving him that trademark confused look and then getting upset like “but eddie you deserve so much better, you deserve someone who doesn’t overthink all the time, someone stable, someone who isn’t so selfish, someone who isn’t me. eddie, it can’t be me. not when it’s you.” and eddie just moving closer, giving buck that earnest fond stare, thinking you are such a dumbass, saying “I love you anyway.”

[devotion2]

Douglas Kearney, “That Loud-Assed Colored Silence: Modernism,” from Buck Studies

[gaydadeddie]

there’s an itch under your  skin one that makes your knee  sew  stitch some line across a  hem

and for a moment  crazed and absurd  your brain tells you to  do it

run naked through the streets  rob a liquor store–  try E  maybe

there’s something  missing that heart-racing thing you  need the one that’s been feeling like a ghost  lately.

in a mirror his reflection is clean-shaven  and you are not over his  shoulder  despite flesh and blood and the smell of  pavement.

in the attic,  an echo.

first time in months you feel something more than  the handle comma flying off

there’s nothing left to chase  nothing left to search for 

death tailgates your car headlights screaming in the rear view mirror

quiet– there is a man beside you–

he makes you feel alive

sinks his teeth in,  rips out the itch

offers you what you  need.

you rob the shelves.

you take and take  and take

on your way out, you apologize for the broken glass

[gaydadeddie]

we all get stuck from time to time. In our circumstances, in our fear, stuck on a page we haven't yet been able to turn. and when we're feeling stuck, or even just a little too comfortable, if we're very lucky, someone will be there to give us a little push, or a kick in the pants, or just offer a hand to help us get unstuck.

[gaydadeddie]

i genuinely think the ouija board was an olive branch from buck to open up his and eddie's communication channels about bobby. but. :( eddie wasn't in that headspace anymore. like ships in the night. they just. keep missing right now.

[gaydadeddie]

Also like Eddie and Buck haven't hugged since 8x10 but also haven't hugged after the Tommy and Maddie conversations. Like in the kitchen scene, Eddie desperately needing a hug and Buck unable to provide it and instead look away.

oh Boy. so much has Happened since those scenes and we haven't seen them Touch except for eddie's misguided attempt to break the touch barrier by putting his hand on his shoulder and physically pulling buck ever so much closer. and yeah. eddie is Very Bad at asking for what he needs, so when he turns away from buck and breaks down, that's when he is expecting buck to approach, to soothe him with a gentle hand on his shoulder, allow eddie to turn into him for a hug. We've seen this from buck before, when chris left with his parents. And so eddie thought it was clear. I broke through our physical distance, i am giving you emotional intimacy, and he expects buck to reciprocate with physical intimacy. except buck does not do that. he takes eddie's grief and morphs it into what he sees as a dig at himself. because he is interpreting this conversation as eddie being Mad At Him, and not eddie Coming To Him for Support. so he pokes the bear instead of hugging the bear. and eddie, unsteady, getting the opposite of what he Wanted, strikes back again.

I also think, it's likely they have Hugged, but it's been Offscreen because the creators want us to note the distance, they want to build the tension, they want to make the payoff of their inevitable hug (kiss? touch?) that much better. like Yay ❤️

[gaydadeddie]

someone on twt asked the question "does buck roll his own joints" and the answer is NO. he's a PRINCESS, he's never spent a cent on weed, it is PROVIDED FOR HIM, people can't help but smoke him out, and he CANT roll a joint bc then he doesn't get to wide-eyed watch someone lick the paper and nimbly twist it all together