#eeeeehhhhhhh

[velo-z-raptor]

Me a few months ago:

wow it'd be silly to pre order a ps5, better to wait till the price goes down and issues are fixed

Me, now:

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (a la Tina)

[skamandallthat]

Less Than Five Minutes (Part 7/?)

Sooooo... little twist. Couldn't resist. Needed to know what David was thinking. Found out in the process of writing this. Hope you're as fascinated as I was.

I don't know if this means I'm switching POV entirely or not. It almost feels right to? I feel like we know what Matteo wants. What he's feeling. But I would want to balance it out, which would mean 6 chapters from David's POV now. What would you guys like? Let me know.

This is on Ao3 if you'd prefer to read over there. My username is "bumbershootindeed".

--

It didn't change much.

Just enough, though. The air was lighter. Slightly.

As David sat on the balcony of Matteo's room he couldn't quite catch his breath. Matteo was fast asleep, hair ruffled from tossing and turning all night. He always tossed and turned. All night long.

David wanted to know why.

(Needed.)

The thing is, he could just ask him. He'd learnt that early on. Matteo didn't like to share thoughts unprompted. It scared him. He'd never said so outright, but David knew.

He watched him in social situations, watched as Matteo let people talk over him, for him, fill in his blanks.

David never wanted to fill in his blanks.

He wished others didn't want to either.

If they knew what Matteo’s thoughts were like, how deep and fascinating… how breathtaking and heartbreaking and…

If people knew they wouldn't talk over him. They'd prompt him.

Because if people don't want to know what Matteo’s thinking then they're clearly unworthy.

It's all David ever wanted nowadays.

There had been a few moments in their time together when David hadn't needed to say anything. Where Matteo spoke without being asked to.

You're my favorite thing right now.

David had wanted to cry.

How? How could Matteo pull that one out like that?

An unfiltered, deeply and disastrously beautiful proclamation.

It wasn't fair. David knew what he meant. But he had to shut him down. It took everything in him to reject that.

I shouldn't be.

That was true. But to say that to Matteo, the boy who would rather choose to not to speak at all instead of saying the wrong thing…

It shattered him.

It shattered him every time he had to stop Matteo.

Stop him from saying too much, admitting too much.

Sometimes his heart had a mind of it’s own. David would be speaking before he'd even decided to. Asking risky questions, flirting a little more obviously. These slight, unavoidable smiles would break out on his face whenever he caught Matteo staring.

He knew it wasn't fair. He knew he was breaking Matteo. Over time he began to understand that what Matteo was feeling for him wasn't a crush or lust.

Matteo had fallen for him and all David wanted was to go back to the moment it happened and stop it.

Not because he hadn't fallen too.

He had, oh god, he had.

But because he's not ready. He's not ready for someone to need him. And Matteo was someone who needed, deeply.

David couldn't give him that. He couldn't be that for him. Not yet.

So David kept him close. Arms length. He felt cruel.

So many opportunities to just explain. Tell Matteo he knows. Tell Matteo he's so sorry.

His breaking point had been at the party. Matteo’s eyes had bore into his all night. Asking, daring.

I know you feel this too. Give me something.

David couldn't resist. How was he supposed to when Matteo’s touch is so soft and his pupils are so blown and he looks at David like if he asked him to, that Matteo would take bullet for him, no questions asked?

So he asked him to dance. And as they became closer and closer and he felt Matteo’s breath on his face and their hips collided… he couldn't take it.

He knew already why it was easier like this. He knew the answer.

It was just that he was finally ready for Matteo to say it.

Except, no. He wasn't. As soon as the question was out of his mouth he wasn't ready. Not here. Not like this.

He wasn't ready, he wasn't ready to be needed and wanted and loved.

How could he ever let Matteo love him fully when he had no idea what love even looks like? How could he give that back?

His experience with love is limited to family. Chosen family. Laura. His godmother. That's pretty much it.

They'd shown him over time that people were capable of loving him. Of caring for him, understanding him. Unconditionally.

But he still couldn't wrap his head around why.

Because the love he had always known, it came with conditions.

He was still convinced it probably wasn't a good idea for people to choose him. For him to choose people.

No attatchments.

No one should be forced to deal with him. Wait for him.

The people around him shouldn't have to sit back and watch him run, over and over. They shouldn't have to sit and wait. Waiting hurt, he knew that much.

At least Laura always came with him. She had proven to be trustworthy. But why? What did David do to deserve it?

So no. He couldn't let Matteo tell him yet.

But as Laura’s friend drove him and Laura home from the party, pain washed over David as he realized...

Matteo shouldn't have to.

This was on David. He already knew. He knew how Matteo felt.

So Matteo deserved to know too. How David felt, what he thought about this.

That he felt it too.

That he was just as moved by Matteo as Matteo was by him.

It was time he gave it up. Stopped stringing him along.

It was time he told the truth.

That he can't give more than he's giving. Not yet. Matteo already sits far too close to the center of David’s world. Every glance, every smile, Matteo forces himself closer to David, deeper in his space. It's overwhelming. David's afraid he's gonna lose himself in Matteo completely. He's so close to giving in. Too close.

When David handed over his journal to Matteo, it was like he was handing over his mind. His heart. He thinks Matteo might have even understood that, to some degree. He had waited to look down. Waited to take it in. Matteo was always so careful. Always waiting for David’s approval. His permission, in that case.

How fitting.

He had now put Matteo in a position where he had been given enough hope to not let go. Too much hope to do what he should.

Matteo should let go.

But David had, against his better mind, given Matteo the opportunity to wait for him. He had offered it to him, even while knowing the chances of it all falling apart before it even starts. Consciously. Matteo had so easily agreed to wait. To understand.

"Is that okay?" He had asked.

“Yes. For right now.” Matteo said.

It shouldn't be.

Matteo deserves more than waiting around for someone who can't decide if letting him in fully will be worth the risk.

That pangs.

It seemed like the right thing to do at the time. Show Matteo that they're on the same page. Mostly. Be honest.

This is all I can give right now. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

When Matteo started crying, David felt it in every cell of his body.

How could he have drawn this out so long? How could he have done this to him?

Does his avoidance stretch this far?

Was he really willing to run even when it hurts other people?

Is that the kind of person he is?

Sure, he may deeply need to, but at what cost?

The price seems too high when he fully takes in how much he'd hurt Matteo. How much he'd confused him and let him drown in feelings of unrequited love and-

No. Love?

The word sent fear coursing through his veins.

You give someone your love and they chew you up and spit you out.

Matteo wouldn't do that, would he?

David never thought his parents would.

You let yourself trust and they disappoint you. More often than not.

What is love without trust?

David closed his eyes.

Unrequited… something.

Unrequited tethering.

It's not unrequited. Not in the slightest.

David can fight it all he wants, but he has feelings for and about Matteo that can't be described...

Somehow, that makes him feel lighter. He just feels lucky to know Matteo. The privelage it is to feel anything about Matteo at all is not ignored.

He takes a breath.

Matteo. Help me out of here. You're everything. I don't know how to do this.

He looks over at Matteo. Matteo turns again, stretches. His eyes squeeze shut. He's waking.

He opens his eyes. Smiles.

And David knows that this is wrong. He gave him too much hope.

He can want and want but that doesn't mean he's ready. Doesn't mean he can give Matteo what he deserves.

But if giving Matteo hope means he smiles at him like that, what else is he supposed to do? He's only human.

He smiles back.

“You're awake.” Matteo pries.

“You toss and turn too much.”

“Sorry.” Matteo runs his hands over his eyes and yawns, sitting up.

David wants to say 'don't worry about it'. He wants to reassure him, tell him he'll sleep later and that he'd much rather take the opportunity to hear the birds start singing first thing, anyway. There's truth in that. But somehow he can't get the words out. Can't let himself take that on too. He knows Matteo's anxieties. But he just can't do it. His head wins out this time.

Instead, he remembers his questions during the night.

Why can't he sleep still? Why does he move so much? Is he okay? Does he have nightmares?

“What were you dreaming about?” David asks.

Matteo shrugs. They connect eyes. David pleads. He has to know. He needs to know every damn thought that this boy comes up with. Please.

“I think I was dreaming about you…” Matteo answers.

David freezes.

Not again. Jesus Christ.

How is that fair?

Less than five seconds. In less than five seconds Matteo finds a way to make him question everything he's ever come to believe. Every time.

His heart wins this round. David smiles, cocks his head.

“Oh yeah?”

[lendubsofficial]

*flops* i wanna rp but all the rp’s i’ve been trying to do (other than the anon one) keep getting dropped and I’m sad

[theravenandtheswallow]

is this supposed to be elrond? short hair aside, why is he blonde?

[black-lodge-gatekeeper]

what have I done, a poor millenial with a nasty cold, to have 4 phonecalls with the big boss already?

[big-al-geo]

I appreciate that they’ve tried to change the story mode, but I’m not digging the text on art.

[badolmen]

.

[phin-dicated]

When you want to sleep but your heart won't stop racing.