current state of mind
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current state of mind
part of me wants to think that thats a weird outlier. something that the actual band would never endorse. and i think i will hold onto that belief with an iron grip until we get definitive proof of anything else. still, its a vomit-inducing thought. so many incredible artists in this fandom they could hire instead. make it make sense
muun.illustrations /// bad.tokenn (now reversed.symmetry)
finding out that lani is a bigot was not on my bingo card for this year but then again none of the shit that keeps on happening is
god i hope they didnt just drop this reel to save chris from the "fans"
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something is fundamentally wrong with me and i dont know what it is. i went into the new year almost optimistic, the whole yeah its a new start in my new life kind of thing. and then it only got worse and i only got worse. being tired constantly has gotten to a point where i cant do my job properly anymore, i take 3x as long to do routine tasks, i cant focus, i can't remember things, i cant draw logical conclusions from info im getting; its terrifying, like I'm only waiting for my boss to realize that im failing harder than ever before
how do i fix this? theres nothing physically wrong with me, i dont feel depressed, and acc to my psychiatrist i dont have ADD because i performed too well on those tests
so like. what else is there apart from me not "trying hard enough" and "being lazy"? i genuinely dont understand how people live their lives, how they just do things without having that bone deep tiredness stuck in their bodies. how do people function? i wanted to go out yesterday to run some errands and almost didnt make it because i had to nap before i could even think about leaving the flat. or was it the day before that? i genuinely don't remember
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if tumblr feels alienating, if IG feels like im trying to meet KPIs at work and twitter is full of puritanical nut jobs who have very clearly been at the devils sacrament then where tf do i go.
ive done everything in my power to curate my dash here on tumblr and still things slip through. and it doesnt really upset me all that much but it feels off and i dont know how to fix it. and i would never tell anyone to censor themselves obviously. its a problem on my end that i need to fix. i just dont know how or where to go instead. i miss the old internet so much. i miss feeling at home somewhere where i can also be myself at the same time. and i thought i had found a place like that when i restarted this blog roughly a year ago but the more familiar i become with this band and this fandom the less i want to see certain things.
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