elhani + 2? i love your drabbles so much holy shit 🥺
this is an absolute honour coming from the best sitcom fic writer 👀 i hope you like it!
list of halloween sentence starters 🎃🦇
Darling, you look positively faint.
“You almost gave me a heart attack!”
Tahani steadied herself against the arm of one of her many extravagant chairs, her hand pressed to her heart.
Eleanor grinned. “Why, I can tell, you look – positively faint, my dear,” she crowed, and Tahani considered her attempt at a British accent to be, quite frankly, offensive.
“You do not get to scare the life out of me and then mock me, Eleanor,” Tahani said, eyes narrowing. If there was any implication in her glare that Eleanor should leave, the message didn’t quite get through to the blonde, who was walking idly around the elegant living room, trailing her fingers along the fine furniture.
“Forking hell, I saw this exact table in one of those McMansion pictures!” she exclaimed, delight in her eyes as she glanced over her shoulder to Tahani.
“I hope you’re not implying what I think you are,” Tahani said, eyebrows raising. To her credit, Eleanor’s comment really was a throwaway one, no implications intended – but as the opportunity dawned on her, she decided to keep that information to herself.
“Oh yes.” Eleanor’s face was split into a huge grin, and Tahani struggled to hold back one of her own. “You, Tahani Al-Jamil– ” she took slow steps towards Tahani, the clicking of her shoes against the floor punctuating her words – “live in your very own ‘McMansion’ right here in The Good Place.”
It was petty, the whole thing. Right from when Eleanor had decided to needlessly scare and mock Tahani, the events of the last few minutes had emerged from a place of pure mischief and boredom. So surely no one could blame Tahani as she swiftly wrapped her arms around Eleanor’s waist and lifted her onto a nearby sofa, straddling her before she could even choke out a protest.
“Oh, no, Tahani’s got me trapped against one of her rich little sofas, whatever will I do?” Eleanor drawled, clearly undeterred.
“Eleanor’s going to take back what she said about my house, I think you’ll find,” Tahani replied, her hands sliding underneath Eleanor’s t-shirt. Eleanor spluttered out a giggle as she felt fingers start to flutter against her stomach.
“I don’t– think– she will,” Eleanor managed to get out, back arching as Tahani’s nails found their way to her sides. Her giggles now came in a continuous stream, the combination of fingers spidering up her sides and Tahani’s increasingly satisfied expression enough to evoke even a snort or two.
“Such little faith,” Tahani sighed, reaching one hand back to squeeze rapidly at the muscle just above Eleanor’s knee. Eleanor let out what probably would have been a yell if it hadn’t gotten caught in her throat, desperately trying to kick her way out of Tahani’s grip while the hand scribbling into her ribs weakened her resolve.
“SHE MIGHT IF– IF– ”
Tahani smirked. “If she wasn’t so ticklish she couldn’t talk?”
Amidst Eleanor’s hysterical laughter, another frustrated gurgle emerged.
Hearing her laughter bordering on breathlessness, Tahani’s hands retreated. She swung herself off of the sofa, dusting her hands on her skirt as if she’d just finished cleaning the room to perfection, rather than tickling Eleanor half to death.
Eleanor pulled herself upright, still breathing heavily. “Your home– your house isn’t– ”
“Darling, please, save your breath,” Tahani teased. “You look positively faint.”
Chapters: 15/25
Fandom: The Good Place (TV)
Rating: Teen and Up
Warnings: Canon levels of death talk
Relationships: Tahani Al-Jamil/Eleanor Shellstrop
Summary: Eleanor and Tahani consider what the end of this experiment means for them
fandom advent calendar! day five: someone who hates the "christmas season"
-ao3-
“Don’t be such a Grinch, Tahani.” Eleanor says, arms crossed, stare hard and a knitted red-and-green monstrosity clenched in her hands.
“Excuse me?” Tahani’s voice rises in pitch as she gasps in offense, hand going to her chest and drawing Eleanor’s eye to the low cut neckline of her dress.
“A Grinch. A Scrooge. A holiday curmudgeon. She who hates Christmas.” Eleanor lists off counting them down on her fingers theatrically as she does so.
“I know who Grinch is, thank you! And I am not that… that… ugly green creature.” Tahani says, arms flying around to emphasize her point. “I adore Christmas. My Christmas parties are the events of the year. I once raised 3 trillion dollars at my Winter Season Charity Gala. It was attended by my good friend Emma Thompson and-”
“Then you shouldn’t have any problem wearing this in the name of holiday spirit and keeping our covers.” Eleanor smiles sharply and once more extends the sweater at Tahani. And Tahani once more leans back as if she’s being offered lice.
Honestly saying the sweater looks like a Christmas tree threw up on it and made a woman’s portrait from the vomit would be a compliment, but if Eleanor’s being forced to wear one with a deranged clown in a Santa costume then she’s taking everyone else down with her.
Eleanor is almost impressed with Vicki’s new play at torturing them.
Showing up at Eleanor and Chidi’s house, with big fat crocodile tears running down her face and crying about how no one else wanted to be wearing the holiday sweaters she’d knitted for the occasion was pretty inspired. Michael was extra scornful, which she’s noticed happens when he wishes he’d have come up with it himself in one of his 802 previous attempts.
So, unfortunately, what the ‘Eleanor-who-thinks-she’s-in-heaven-by-mistake-and-must-pretend-to-be-a-good-person-and-totally-doesn’t-at-all-know-this-is-actually-the-bad-place’ was supposed to do was grit her teeth and fold with a pained smile.
On the bright side maybe there will finally be something that doesn’t make Tahani look like a fairy goddess and she can finally kill this unfortunate crush deader than a doornail.
—
Tahani’s angrily eating gingersnap cookies across the room and she looks gorgeous even in the sweater from hell (literally). Of course she does, Eleanor grabs her fourth glass of champagne and swallows it in one long gulp.
She looks down at the Santa Clown smiling up at her with its big, creepy, blood red grin. “Shut up! I’m going to burn you later you know that right?”
—
A lot of the rest of the night is gonna be blank but what Eleanor will remember the next morning is gonna be this:
—
All of them in a circle, as they all do end up ritually burning their sweaters in Tahani’s back yard. Even Chidi looking like he feels better after they go up in flames (his had the picture of two garish-looking red boots).
—
The satisfied smile on Tahani’s face as her sister’s likeness joins the bonfire being both terrifying and really hot.
—
The thought that Eleanor should totally tell her that.
—
“Hey, Tahani…”
—
Roasting marshmallows over the fire and trying to sing some dirty versions of traditional Christmas carols but ending up just giggling as soon as too many ‘forks’ join the lyrics.
—
“You’re way, way, way hotter than um… that sweater face, with the- things.”
—
A kiss that tastes like burnt sugar and cranberry punch and gingerbread.
—
Flashes of smooth bronze skin and silky long hair. A playful bite at her neck. Her own mouth traveling down a naked chest.
—
Eleanor wakes up warm and safe and really, really naked.
“Oh, bloody forking hell.” Curses a familiar British voice from behind her.
Chapters: 30/31
Fandom: The Good Place (TV)
Pairing: Eleanor Shellstrop/Tahani Al-Jamil
Rating: Teen and Up
Summary: Tahani struggles to readjust to the easy life
the only love i’ve ever known, the only soul i ever saved, come back to me darling
Fandom: The Good Place
Ship: Eleanor/Tahani
Words: 6281
Genre: Angsty angst (seriously the most painful of angst)
Rating: T (there are implied sexy times though)
Part One (or Ao3 link) // Part Two (or Ao3 link)
Tahani pov of ‘there’s nothing i hear louder than the words i never said’ except way more painful.
Tahani and Eleanor were soulmates when they were alive but now in “The Good Place” they discover they’re not. They try to move on and accept that fact, thinking it’s better this way. It’s painful to watch the person you love most drift away from you
Title from ‘Chasing Twisters’ by Delta Rae (yes it’s a theme)
As always shoutout to my best friend @bannedfromzoos who cleaned up my mess and without their support I honestly couldn’t do this. Thanks for the confidence my friend
There will be a happy ending part three because I cannot leave them this broken. It’s too mean. Also formal request for you guys to drop in and leave me fluffy prompts and/or cute moments from this timeline that you would want me to expand on because throughout November I’ll be writing little ficlets that fit in this au
Tahani opened her eyes with a start and took in her surroundings, there was so much grey. Too much. She didn’t know if she should be more offended by the horrible drab décor or the fact that she seemed to have been kidnapped, or something of the sort. She had no recollection of how she got here. In fact, the last thing she remembered was riding in the passenger’s seat of Eleanor’s obnoxious, environment killing vehicle. Feeling the rush of anger every time she saw her sister’s name mentioned in the particular editorial she was reading. Then Eleanor patted her knee in sympathy to which she replied that Eleanor should be paying more attention to the road which was met with a trademark Eleanor smile and then… nothing.
Well not nothing, Eleanor’s smile to a grey, sad room.
It was a significant step down.
“Tahani?” An older gentleman stuck his head out of a door to her left and she took a step back, still trying to wrap her head around the situation. “Please, follow me, everything will be fine.”
She took a tentative step toward the man and the Mystery Room, she had no other choice, she supposed. Upon entering the room, she saw it was a small, even sadder, office with filing cabinets lining the wall behind the desk and a lot of plants. “Where am I?”
“You’re in The Good Place.” He must have read the confusion on her face because he elaborated. “When a person dies on Earth they’re taken one of two places. It was decided you belong here, in The Good Place, because of all the generosity you showed on Earth.”
Tahani preened at that. She smoothed her hair and gave her best modest smile, of course she was in The Good Place. Where else would she be? She stopped short. “So… I’m… dead?” Michael nodded. “Can I ask how? The last thing I remember was riding in a vehicle.”
“Yes, well, while you were in the passenger’s seat your driver wasn’t paying attention to the road or the bus coming from the left intersection.” He fiddled with some papers on his desk as Tahani mulled over the words.
Her driver. Eleanor. If she were here then Eleanor must be also, but she was afraid to ask, she knew Eleanor and loved her with every beat of her heart but deep down she knew Eleanor wasn’t a great person. In fact, Eleanor did a lot of bad in her life before they met but it didn’t make Tahani love her any less. She loved her more for learning and growing and trying to become a better person.
But surely Eleanor had changed enough that she had to be here too.
“Is… is Eleanor here? My driver? Eleanor Shellstrop?” She clenched her fists tight at her sides trying to hide all the anxiety she was feeling.
“Janet!” Tahani started when a person suddenly popped into the room next to Michael. “Is there an Eleanor Shellstrop in this neighborhood?”
There was a slight pause, a pause that, to Tahani, felt like a millennium. “There is no record of an Eleanor Shellstrop in The Good Place.”
“Oh.” Tahani didn’t know that feeling one’s heart break was actually possible until that moment.
“Thank you, Janet.” With a pop the person disappeared. “Now that’s not to say that she won’t be at some point though, she could have a complicated case and numbers are still being crunched. She could show up at some point.”
Tahani held onto those words like a lifeline. She didn’t know if she could spend an eternity without Eleanor. She didn’t want to spend a day without her on Earth, the possibility of the rest of time without her seemed unbearable. Torturous.
“In the meantime, let’s show you around the neighborhood, shall we?” Tahani was ushered out of the room and into the bright, beautiful, picture perfect neighborhood that was her new home. She appreciated the quaintness of it and how everyone seemed friendly and eager to know her. Of course, there were things that caught her eye that made her frown, like how there were an extraordinary amount of cookie shops (at least they had one that exclusively sold Eleanor’s favorite, she made note to pick some up before she arrived) and the cheesy milk fountain in the center of the town square. It wasn’t exactly Tahani’s paradise, but it was adequate.
“And this is your soulmate, Jianyu.” For the first time in her life Tahani was struck dumb. Soulmate? Surely there was a mistake, Eleanor was her soulmate. Not this… monk? He looked like a monk at least. As nice as he seemed (and he did seem nice, he bowed to her and had a kind, almost simple smile) he wasn’t Eleanor and that was not acceptable. Before she could protest Michael disappeared leaving her alone with a stranger.
***
The days that followed were strained at best and outright nightmarish at worst. Tahani loved her house but she kept getting lost only to be found in a bathroom (always a bathroom, there were so many bathrooms) hours later by Jianyu. He would offer her his hand which she would brush away testily, smooth the front of her dress, and storm out after him. She should feel bad for being so cold, he had as much of a choice about his soulmate as she did, but she couldn’t help it. A piece of her was missing and she didn’t know if she would ever get it back.
Tahani often reflected in those days in the silence of her big house, on the moment of her death. It was the last happy moment she had to cling to and she was going to cling to it for all she was worth.
Especially if it was the last moment she had with Eleanor.
She felt so comfortable then, how right the moment was. She remembered, just before the blackness, she was never more at peace with herself and her life than in that moment. They had just run to the liquor store for Eleanor’s weekly haul (though it wasn’t nearly as much as that first day, she had cut back quite a lot since they had been together). Tahani always found that weirdly sweet Eleanor would go out of her way to go to the same store. The store where they had met. Now that they had moved in together the store was almost inconvenient to go to but Eleanor always made the trip.
Tahani’s legs were tucked under her in the passenger’s seat, leaning on the center console of the monstrous vehicle with the magazine propped up on her lap. Eleanor’s hand was warming her thigh (she had pushed up Tahani’s dress a couple of inches above her knee just so she could have skin to skin contact and that never failed to make Tahani’s heart race, even after all this time) her thumb traced soothing circles on the inside of her thigh every time Tahani tensed and huffed about seeing Kamilah’s name.
Tahani was struck then, in the low evening light behind Eleanor’s head. She had never let her guard down like this. Had someone hang on her every word like Eleanor was. Had someone she loved and loved her back. They hadn’t said it yet but she felt it. It was on the tip of her tongue but instead she said, “Do pay more attention to the road, darling, this is just nonsense.”
“It’s not nonsense if it’s bothering you babe.” That blinding smile. That smile that made all of Tahani’s anxieties and insecurities vanish. The one that she knew was genuine and real and meant only for her. The one that made her feel like everything was okay and she could just be herself, not the Tahani everyone expected. “Now let’s get home and I’ll make you forget all about that stupid magazine. Watch me beat this yellow light.”
She never got to tell Eleanor how much that moment meant to her. She never got to tell Eleanor she loved her and it was a heavy burden she would carry with her for the rest of eternity.
If only she could see Eleanor one more time.
***
It felt like weeks before she felt okay enough to talk to Jianyu. At first it was a passing hello, to which he would only respond with a slight bow of his head. She was truly grateful for him and the space he allowed her. He never pushed his presence on her and it was only after the first few times they spoke that she realized he never spoke a word since she had known him. At first, she thought it was because he was mad at her for being so cold at first, but she soon caught on to the fact he never spoke. To anyone. Not even a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ response, but Janet informed her that Jianyu was in fact a Taiwanese monk who took a vow of silence he was even carrying over to the afterlife.
Surely there must have been a mistake. If there was a whole scientific method to this soulmate business then how did she get paired with the only person in The Good Place who didn’t speak. Another notch in the curious column.
Already under that column? Why her soulmate was a man. Being with Eleanor on Earth really helped her accept that side of herself, she never broadcasted it, it wasn’t like after her first time with Eleanor she screamed from the top of the building she was a lesbian but she sure as hell wanted to. No, it was a subtle acceptance, Eleanor helped her see that what she felt with men was nothing more than an affection at their attention. She just figured since this whole soulmate thing was real, if she wasn’t with Eleanor then surely it would have been another woman (it wouldn’t have been much better, but it would have made more sense).
She kept quiet though, just filed away these curiosities silently and went about her afterlife.
***
It took another few weeks for her to finally get out of her house and explore her neighborhood. Which actually meant networking, building relationships with these people she would be spending eternity with. She couldn’t care less about the seemingly endless cookie shops (with names, she noted, that would make Eleanor want to throw something), she was more interested in the people and what kind of information they had on this curious place and situation they were all in.
The frustrating thing was that no one had any answers. Or were particularly adept at dodging the questions. She talked to all of her neighbors and shop owners and started a little system of important people like she had on Earth but still no answers about why some things were the way they were, or if they heard of a woman named Eleanor. So, to take her mind off her spinning thoughts she decided to do the one thing she did best, throw a party.
A “Welcome to the Neighborhood Tahani and Jianyu” party, since no one else seemed to have one of those planned. And anyway, it would have paled in comparison to hers.
She threw herself into making sure this party was up to Tahani levels of greatness. It was a nice distraction from thinking about all the strange things she noticed going on, and the lack of Eleanor of course.
Until it wasn’t.
Until she was very certain she spotted a familiar blonde head walking quickly in the other direction, away from the milk fountain, and she was bustled along by the throngs of helpers she enlisted. Hope bloomed in her chest. Eleanor. It had to be, she would know that stature, those clothes, that walk anywhere. Eleanor was here and it was only a matter of time before they were together again.
Until they weren’t.
Days passed and she heard nothing from Michael or Janet or Eleanor herself. She was so certain it had been her. She would have bet her house on it, but maybe it wasn’t. Maybe it was just wishful thinking. She told Jianyu as much and was met with a caring pat on the back and an understanding nod. She appreciated him even more lately, despite not speaking she felt his care and support and he never pushed their relationship past friendship. It was all she could ask.
The more she went out the more she thought she saw Eleanor, in a cookie shop, in the alley between buildings, in the gym (that one surely couldn’t be her). But she was always so close but so far and moving further away. It got to the point where Tahani felt like she was playing Where’s Waldo but with more heartbreaking results.
On the day of the party she refused to leave the house. She had too much to do and while she longed to just glimpse Maybe-Eleanor it was too close to leave it in the hands of people she really didn’t trust fully. She put the finishing touches on the balloons and petting zoos and all of the tennis courts. She asked Janet for a shrimp cocktail bar because if anything would bring Eleanor around it would be that and soon she stood by the door. Jianyu on her arm, greeting people with the fakest smile she could muster.
Until she thought she caught a glimpse of Maybe-Eleanor by the front door, on her way out.
She chased the shadow to the front lawn only to find it was one of her neighbors from a few blocks over. The hope she felt building in her chest deflated when she fell onto the bench next to her front patio. That was the thing, she was hoping (always hoping) against all odds that Eleanor would somehow make it here with her and this whole soulmate fiasco would be sorted out properly. That somehow Eleanor turned her life around enough to end up in The Good Place with her. Tahani didn’t think that at the end she was Bad Place material, maybe Middle Place (if that were a thing) for sure that, but surely, they had saved each other, turned each other’s lives around so they both ended up here. Eleanor made her a better, calmer person just as she thought she made Eleanor a little more giving, and gave her a sense of decorum. Maybe that wasn’t enough though, maybe she wasn’t enough to save Eleanor, maybe she just was cursed to never be enough.
She never gave up hope these little sightings she had were more than just wishful thinking though.
The party went on around her, without a single hitch.
***
The only other thing Tahani took pride in and cared about, aside from her fabulous parties, were her gardens. If she had the most lavish house in The Good Place the gardens had to match. Not only that, the flowers reminded her of Eleanor, of their apartment on Earth. Eleanor had put up such a fuss when the first few plants were brought in but soon Tahani noticed Eleanor tending to them, watering them, making sure they had proper sun. Eventually Eleanor was the one bringing Tahani plants for her little office she set up in the corner of their apartment to make things brighter, and it may have taken a while but she admitted, out loud, they made the place smell better. Which is why Tahani took one day a week to maintain the flowers in the front lawn, near the drive. She stepped out that morning in her favorite gardening hat and blue dress, ready for inspection and trimming where necessary. It was The Good Place, however, so of course little had to be done.
Jianyu stepped out soon after her, as he usually did, to at least keep her company. She loved throwing anecdotes about her life his way and although he would never return words to her, she was grateful for the companionship. He plucked one of her freshest roses and handed it to her, she appreciated the gesture, but her brain was screaming in horror at her now imperfect plant. “Thank you, Jianyu, that’s very kind.” She leaned down and kissed him quickly on the cheek, tucking the flower away in the basket of garden tools at her feet.
That’s when she heard it. A choked sob? No. A gasp? Something in-between definitely and she spun on her heel to face her gate where the sound originated. The air was knocked from her lungs so quickly she thought she may just pass out. There at the end of her drive looking as beautiful as ever was Eleanor. Her Eleanor. It felt like the world, stopped just for them.
“Eleanor?”
But then everything crashed down around her because Eleanor was walking away, practically running away and Tahani couldn’t, wouldn’t, let that happen. Not when she was so close to her own personal Good Place. She took off down her driveway and was thankful for her long legs because in no time she caught up and stopped Eleanor in the middle of her street like one of those terribly romantic movies she made them watch on Earth. “It is you. My god you are real.” Tahani had to touch. She couldn’t stop her hands from moving to every exposed piece of skin she could reach, through the soft golden hair she remembered nightly. It was as if nothing had changed, she cupped Eleanor’s face, and took in those too blue eyes. This right here, with Eleanor in her arms like this, this was her Good Place. “I… I thought I saw you, in the square by that cheap little milk fountain but I thought I was just seeing things. How?” She didn’t know what she was questioning, she didn’t know a lot of things at that moment, she barely remembered how to breathe.
“Apparently, when you said I should pay more attention to the road I actually should have listened.”
“No, I know that how. Michael told me that how. I mean,” She didn’t know what she meant, her mind was going too quickly to make sense of everything.
“Tahani al Jamil at a loss for words. I never thought I’d live to see the day.” A pause. “Well, I guess technically I never did get to live to see the day, but you know.” Tahani laughed. It was so wonderfully Eleanor to break the moment with a joke, but there was also something heavy behind it. “So, um, nice place you got here. Very you.” Tahani shrugged, she supposed it was her but a part of her really missed their quaint little apartment back on Earth. Then the bomb dropped at her feet. “Nice soulmate too. He looks like a nice dude.”
Guilt sunk deep in Tahani’s stomach. Guilt for what she had no idea but seeing the pain so clear on Eleanor’s face was too much. “Jianyu. Yes, he’s, he’s a Taiwanese monk. Um, apparently he’s taken a vow of silence because he hasn’t said one word to me since we got here but he’s very kind and doting.” She felt her throat get thick with emotion. This forking soulmate business was complete and utter nonsense. How can he be her soulmate when her real one was standing right in front of her? Her soulmate that was in obvious pain. Pain she wanted so badly to make go away.
But then Eleanor took a step back away from her. “I’m glad, you deserve good things Tahani. Even if I can’t be the one to give them to you. I’m glad you’re not alone.”
“Eleanor, why…” Why was she just walking away? Why didn’t she come here sooner? Why was she looking like she wanted to run? There were so many whys.
Instead of answering any of them, Eleanor just took another step back and Tahani folded in on herself like she had just been punched. Or a piece of her had been ripped out. Which she supposed in a way it had. “Just, be happy Tahani.”
I’m glad you’re not alone. Those words echoed in her head because she felt more alone now than ever. Tahani hated being alone more than anything. Sure, she hated other things, a lot of things actually (for example: her sister; when her celebrity friends were in a feud and she had to choose sides;her sister;when her parties didn’t get the rave reviews they deserved; her bloody sister) but being alone? That was number one.
And ever since she watched Eleanor walk away from her she felt so achingly alone.
She had her house, she had friends, a neighborhood that adored her, and she had her… well whatever Jianyu was. She still didn’t feel right calling him soulmate, that title was reserved for the woman that left her standing in the street. Tahani supposed it always would be Eleanor, even after everything Michael told her about the algorithm nonsense. But despite having everything she could ever want, she didn’t have Eleanor, and nothing filled that hollow in her chest.
Tahani stood rooted to the spot until she couldn’t see Eleanor anymore and the sun was setting low behind her. Her cheeks were streaked with tears that wouldn’t stop no matter how hard she wished they would. She just wanted Eleanor to turn around, just for a second, to give her some hope to hold on to. Some hope that they weren’t done. That they would hold each other again.
She jumped when she felt a gentle touch on her lower back and shrank away when she saw it was Jianyu. She felt bad about it, really, she did, he treated her kindly and didn’t deserve her hesitations. He didn’t deserve to be pushed away but right now her world was in a tailspin that she couldn’t figure how to right and his presence wasn’t helping.
Tahani gently dabbed her cheeks with her handkerchief and let Jianyu lead her back in the house. “That was Eleanor.” She watched his eyebrows rise in acknowledgement, he knew all about her, he knew all about them on Earth. Tahani talked about Eleanor and their relationship every day since she accepted the situation in which she was placed.
“Did I ever tell you how we met?” She asked him as he led her to the more private sitting room (which was to say the fourth door on the left when you turned the first right corner, she really did love this house but it was such a maze sometimes). It was a silly question to ask because of course she did, she told every story there ever was to tell about the two of them. But holding Eleanor, even for a fleeting moment just mere moments ago, she needed to do something. Cling to anything she could, the smell of lavender in Eleanor’s hair, the feel of her in her arms, anything. Any memories she could.
“It was a Thursday afternoon in a shabby little liquor store.” She let Jianyu get comfortable on his pillow across from her before she poured them each a cup of tea. She knew neither of them were going to drink it, it was more of a distraction for her hands than anything. “I happened upon this little hole in the wall store and was hoping they would be kind enough to cut the price of some spirits if I bought them in bulk for a fundraiser I was throwing for an environmental cause when I heard this irritated noise from behind me.” She remembered hearing an annoyed scoff at her haggling, a distinct ‘move it or lose it giraffe’ was uttered and Tahani spun on her heel. “Just as I was about to give this person a piece of my mind I was knocked dumb.” She laughed, a sad breathy thing. “I know! Me. Speechless!”
She rolled her eyes at Jianyu’s sarcastic eyebrow raise, he may not speak but her could tell a story with his facial expressions. “I was though because I was face to face with this tiny, beautiful ball of fury.” My god was she beautiful. Tahani thought back to that day and felt her heart flutter just as fast now as it did that day. “Just the way her passion flared and her stunning eyes. Oh, it was poetry, Jianyu, I was struck.” She laughed to herself because Eleanor was the only person in the world that could be gorgeous when fighting about her booze.
She took the warm cup in her hands and closed her eyes, picturing the day clearly in her mind. “I wasn’t fool enough to think I would ever see her again. I thought I was forever bound to that dreadful ‘if only’ feeling.” She couldn’t help the smiled that tugged at her lips at the next thought. “It shouldn’t have surprised me when she showed up to the gala. It wasn’t a pleasant surprise at first because she pulled up to an environment gala in the most horrendous air choking vehicle ever created but as soon as I saw her throw her keys at the valet I couldn’t help but laugh. It just felt like it was meant to be.” Tahani still found it funny how destiny worked, that this tiny little ball of fire, this person who was so opposite of me, that stood for just about everything I wanted to change in the world. “She was going to be it for me. I knew it deep down.” She put a hand over her heart and opened her eyes to see Jianyu smiling at her. “I was so taken with her bravado I asked her to take me to dinner the following weekend. It remains the best first date I’ve ever been on.”
Jianyu smiled gently at her, in his sweet simple way and she continued. “You know, before Eleanor I had never been in a relationship with a woman.” She paused. “I mean, there had maybe been only one serious relationship before her anyway, he was a Prince of a small island, but that doesn’t matter.” She let the heat from the tea soak into her hands. “I couldn’t understand why it didn’t work, but then I met Eleanor and it all clicked.” She squeezed the cup in her hand, this precious fragile thing, just like she was feeling. “After the first date we continued to see each other, more and more frequently.”
Tahani smiled at the thought. “It was obvious that relationships weren’t a thing Eleanor was familiar with because before she left the morning after our first real date she turned to me and said, ‘hey hot stuff, wanna do this again?’” Tahani’s voice mocked a poor American accent but it made Jianyu choke out a laugh, so it was worth it. “I kissed her on the cheek and sent her on her way.” That may have been a tiny white lie. She may or may not have pulled Eleanor back into her apartment and made out with her like a teenager pressed up against her front door, but what Jianyu didn’t know wouldn’t kill him.
“The first time I introduced her as my girlfriend I thought that was it.” Tahani set the cup of tea back on the tray, undrunk. “I thought she would bolt first chance she got, but she stayed. And not only did she stay, she stood up to my parents.” An incredulous laugh bubbled from her lips remembering the moment. “It was a fundraiser for saving the whales and it was stunning, of course, and every party I threw I would send an invitation my parents’ way just in case.”
A little half shrug, as if she didn’t care, but she knew her face betrayed her longing for acceptance. “Well they happened to be in town that day, so they showed up and I was just so proud. Just bursting, Jianyu! I had this wonderful fundraiser that was on par to be my biggest money-raiser to date, I looked stunning, and I had the most beautiful woman in the room as my date. I had been told as such by several famous actors that night. Everything was wonderful, and my parents showed up without my beloved sister.” Her voice choked on the word. “I had to pull Eleanor away from the shrimp, but it was worth it because my parents were there!I was on cloud nine and then I said ‘Mum, Dad, this is my girlfriend Eleanor.’ I felt her tense next to me and I held my breath just waiting for the best thing in my life to leave me like always.” Tahani swallowed hard and thought back to ten minutes ago when she watched Eleanor walk away. The best thing in her life, and afterlife, leaving her, like she was always afraid of.
“But then my dad said some awful thing, truly horrible. It never bothered them when Kamilah had a girlfriend, but god forbid I was happy. So he finished his nonsense and I waited. I waited for either of them to leave or for Eleanor to run but instead she took my hand, like she had done so many times before, pulled me tight against her and kissed me. Can you imagine? Right there in front of my parents she kissed me for all she was worth. She had insisted I wear flats that night and she wear heels so we were a little more close in height.” Tahani laughed, a sad breathy thing. “And then she pulled me onto the dance floor. That was the last I had ever heard from my parents, and after that I truly didn’t care. I had everything I needed in Eleanor.”
Tahani sighed again, she still hoped that Eleanor had changed her mind and she would be there. “I think that’s enough reminiscing for the night. It’s time to start my night routine.” She rose from the sofa and bid Jianyu a good night. She was thankful her tears held off long enough until she found herself alone in her bedroom. Jianyu was a caring man, and she cried in front of him often, but that didn’t mean she liked doing it. Given the choice she would much rather wallow in her misery by herself.
She crawled into her king-sized bed alone, as she had done every night since arriving here, and let her thoughts wander to Eleanor. She picked up where she left off in the story with Jianyu, this next part wasn’t for him, that night, that memory was for her and Eleanor alone. She reached over to the cold side of her bed, remembering that night after their first date she could almost imagine Eleanor’s warmth in those luxurious sheets with her.
Tahani closed her eyes and remembered the feeling of Eleanor’s body on hers, of every sense just overwhelmed with everything Eleanor, to the point Tahani thought she would drown. Happily, so. She had never felt so much pleasure all at once, no one had ever made her feel so good. She laced her fingers tight in Eleanor’s soft, golden hair afraid that if she let go it would all go away, the feeling of Eleanor’s tongue on her and the hair in her hands being the only thing to anchor her to the moment. She remembered the shiver and the look in those blue eyes when she came with Eleanor’s name on her lips, like a prayer. A look in those eyes that said she felt something too.
She was too spent to keep her eyes open, but she felt the soft kisses Eleanor placed on her scattered freckles and birthmarks, so reverent, so gentle and caring. So, unlike the firecracker she had encountered at the gala and even on their date. Feelings weren’t a part of this going into the night, Tahani was sure of that, but something shifted, but she really hoped Eleanor couldn’t feel her heart race with every kiss. She didn’t want to be the one to break first.
She opened her eyes to the dim light in her room and the (always) cold side of her bed and felt her eyes burn.
She cried herself to sleep that night as she had every night since she arrived, except now she knew Eleanor was here and her bed was still empty.
And that was worse.
***
Tahani woke from another restless sleep, chest and eyes still aching from the night before. Except now in addition to the pain she had anger. A deep anger building. How long had Eleanor been here and she never came to look? How could she just walk away from what they had when they were alive? How dare she just assume that Tahani was happy without her? Okay so the last one wasn’t really anger, more disbelief but still.
Was what they had on Earth even real?
She felt her stomach roll at the thought. Her love, her heart, her everything on Earth, everything she held dear and true. It couldn’t be a lie, she wouldn’t accept that.
Tahani regretfully pulled herself out of her bed, every cell in her body screamed at her to just stay put, that one day wallowing in her bed wouldn’t hurt. But she had seen Eleanor, she didn’t want to stay away, she had gotten a taste and she wanted more. Needed more. So she pulled herself out of bed and trudged her way through her morning routine; shower, makeup, and outfit decision one (and two and three, she wanted to look her absolute best). She would call Janet for breakfast but her stomach was too out of sorts that morning to even think about food. Eleanor was the only thing on her mind.
She didn’t even say good morning to Jianyu before she was out the door and heading quickly towards the town center. She had no real idea where Eleanor lived or she would go there but she figured waiting, conveniently, near her favorite cookie place would be a safe bet. So that’s what she did, she found a table outside a shop across the square and sat and waited. And waited. And waited. And at some point during her wait Jianyu showed up with a latte for her and an oversized cookie for himself. And just when she thought it was hopeless she caught a wisp of blonde hair and plaid button down and Tahani was up and at the door behind Eleanor.
There was so much she wanted to ask, to say, anything to hold onto what little connection she had but Eleanor, as stubborn as ever, ignored her very presence. Not even a glance her way. So Tahani put on her bravest smile, tucked her arm around Jianyu’s, and let him lead the way through the bustling town square.
The next few days were more of the same, Tahani conveniently bumping into Eleanor at cookie shops or the fountain or the place that doubled as a library (which they both knew neither would step foot in otherwise), only to get painfully brushed aside. Tahani wanted to grab her and shake her and ask why she was doing this. Why she wasn’t even trying. But truth be told she was afraid of the answer.
Soon she stopped going to the square every day and instead went once a week for a month. She was numb from head to toe every time she saw Eleanor pointedly not looking her way.
A week after that she stopped going altogether.
***
“Tahani?” A soft voice from behind her made Tahani jump. She thought she was alone in the house, or Jianyu was there but… “there’s something I should tell you.”
Tahani spun on the chaise to face Jianyu, who actually spoke words to her for the first time since they had been together. “Jianyu?”
“That’s something you should know. My name, isn’t Jianyu, it’s Jason. I’m not a monk, I’m a pre-successful DJ from Jacksonville.” He paused and cupped his hands around his mouth. “Go Jags!” Tahani looked on in horror. “I don’t think I’m supposed to be here, I think this may be some kind of prank show or something. I’m not sure but I just couldn’t lie anymore, not talking is exhausting.”
“Jia- Jason.” Tahani sat up straighter in her seat, suddenly frightened but curious. “We’re dead and this is The Good Pla-” Wait, she thought, if Jianyu wasn’t Jianyu, if… she struggled with her thoughts for a second. Bad Place. “Jia- Jason. If you’re who you say you are, and Eleanor is...” If Eleanor was here (she loved Eleanor with everything she was but she had to admit The Good Place was probably not the first choice for her), and Jason was Jason and the exact opposite of who they assumed he was. This most assuredly wasn’t The Good Place. She didn’t know what that meant for her and her soul and she really didn’t care. She just felt relief. That meant the soulmate nonsense was just that. Nonsense. She and Jason weren’t meant to be together, obviously, that meant that she and Eleanor were being tortured by being separated. Told they couldn’t be together, that everything they had was a lie. Everything suddenly made sense. “This is The Bad Place.” She whispered more to herself.
She’d rather spend an eternity in The Bad Place with Eleanor than one more second without her in supposed paradise.
She stood suddenly, knocking a few throw pillows to the ground. “I have to find Eleano-”
there’s nothing i hear louder than the words i never said
Fandom: The Good Place
Ship: Eleanor/Tahani
Words: 4270
Genre: Angsty angst
Rating: T (there are implied sexy times though)
Read on Ao3
Based on a headcanon that was brought to my blog by @tahaniseleanor and proceeded to wreck my soul so naturally I had to write it: au where Eleanor and Tahani were soulmates on Earth when they were alive but when they’re in “The Good Place” they’re not, Eleanor doesn’t handle it too well when she finds out but also thinks it’s best for Tahani’s happiness to be with who she thinks is her true soulmate since they’re in The Good Place and all
(Eleanor pov, if people like it I might be persuaded to do one from Tahani’s pov) (i went and did the thing, part 2 here)
(title from ‘No Peace in Quiet’ by the band that owns my soul Delta Rae, you guys should really listen to that song if you want full heartbreak effect)
shout out to my best friend in the whole world and the only person i can take criticism from without wanting to cry, @bannedfromzoos, thank you for editing this and reigning in my mess
Eleanor didn’t know what to expect from the afterlife but waking up in a waiting room was definitely not even in the top five possibilities.
And yet here she was.
But wherever here was she wasn’t sure how she got there, just a foggy memory of driving home from the store and a challenge for a yellow light and then nothing. She’d have to remember to ask about that later because right now she kind of feels like she should be paying attention to the old dude behind the desk. She really should be paying attention to what it’s been saying.
Something about The Good Place, she caught that much. Which was reassuring in a sense but Eleanor squinted her eyes nonetheless. Good Place? That couldn’t be right, but what idiot would turn down a free ride to heaven?
Losers. And Eleanor Shellstrop was no loser. So zipped lips all the way.
Now the old dude, Michael apparently, was gesturing her out the door and showing her around the neighborhood. There was lot of cookie places, like, a lot, like Starbucks on every corner on Earth a lot. And they all had stupid names: The Cookie Crumbles, Chips Ahoy (that one seemed to have an ocean theme), One Smart Cookie, Tough Cookie (which also maybe doubled as a gym), and even one that seemed to specialize in fortune cookies. They were all bad. And weird. And weirdly bad.
But again, zipped lips Eleanor, free ride.
She was shown her house and she almost gave up eternal paradise right then and there to avoid spending eternity in a dinky little house full of horrible clowns. It was almost as if someone had crawled into her brain and picked out everything she hated and crammed it all into two of the smallest rooms she had ever seen. She hated it, everything about it, and really hated everything about everything since she arrived here but she plastered on her smile and thanked Michael profusely and took it all in stride.
Even her soulmate.
Because apparently those were a thing here, and it was required, and it was about as horrible as an experience as she expected because this person, Chris (who really liked going to the forking gym, that was another thing she hated, she couldn’t say fork, cursing was like her third favorite thing to do after sex and drinking), seemed like a really nice dude. He had a kind smile and shook her hand when she offered it. He was conventionally attractive (okay, he was shredded which was kind of a positive because if she was stuck with him for the time being at least he had that going for him) and it was just a weird first day because Michael left after that and Chris stayed and Eleanor awkwardly gestured around the clown house hoping that that would be enough to scare the dude away because she didn’t want this. She didn’t want him. She didn’t even know if she could pretend with him.
He wasn’t Tahani.
If soulmates were real then why wasn’t Tahani here with her. They were so happy on Earth and alive, that must be it, she’s still alive. Eleanor was grateful for that much, she could be dead and in The Good Place and Tahani would join her here when it was time and this whole soulmate nonsense would be corrected because there was no way in hell (interesting that she could still say that here) that Tahani wasn’t her soulmate. Eleanor wasn’t one to throw the word love around, and she hated letting people in, but Tahani? Oh, Tahani was indeed her one great love, her soulmate, and the one and only good and right thing Eleanor had ever done in her life. She would never admit it, not even to Tahani, but sometimes when they lay together at night in the safety of the dark she would watch Tahani sleep and think about how lucky she was to have found her other half. Then she would feel disgusted with herself, only a little though, because how cliché.
They met on a Thursday at the liquor store (somehow their story always ended up involving liquor) and all Eleanor wanted was her usual haul of booze for the week but this forking beautiful skyscraper was in front of her in the only open line and trying to convince the poor man to cut the price of her purchase in half because it was “for a charitable event” she was throwing. Eleanor rolled her eyes and scoffed and then promptly had the wind knocked out of her when said beautiful skyscraper turned to face her.
Because whoa.
Beautiful may have been an understatement but Eleanor never paid much attention in English class so who gave a fork about synonyms and poetic nonsense and all that. But this woman in front of her was pretty much utterly, frustratingly perfect and well that accent? Are you forking kidding me with that? Legs for day, smelling like flowers and honey (even in a disgusting sticky liquor store whose primary smell was stale beer), and an accent that makes your knees weak? Yeah, okay so Eleanor was maybe more than a little smitten right then and there.
She never told Tahani.
There were a lot of things Eleanor never got to tell Tahani and now probably never would. She hoped Tahani knew it all anyway though.
After that first meeting at the store Eleanor did a little digging and crashed the event to which landed her a date with the beautiful skyscraper. Tahani. It was even a pretty name and Eleanor liked the way she said it. Eleanor like the way she said a lot of things, especially her name. Especially in that certain way someone does late at night when they’re just on the verge of feeling too much and there’s hands in her hair tugging her closer and heels digging into her back and then her name from those perfect lips in that perfect accent. Eleanor never cared much for her name until she heard Tahani say it then and she crawled back up Tahani’s body, leaving soft kisses along the way on her favorite birthmarks she found, remembering them because this was a one-time deal, one and done was her policy, no exceptions, and then Tahani sighed contently and Eleanor held her until she fell asleep so she could slip away.
And then maybe Eleanor did in fact develop one exception to her one and done policy.
Except she didn’t care and neither were completely upset about the fact either. In fact, it almost seemed like it was supposed to happen this way.
They only grew closer after that, Eleanor attending big galas, and almost assuredly embarrassing Tahani at some point by drinking too much or eating too much or something else Eleanor-esque. Which her girlfriend learned that this was Eleanor normal, and that just the mere fact Eleanor even attended was important and huge. Tahani would smile at her fondly and go about her networking, or whatever it was she did. Eleanor had to be honest, she never did figure out what Tahani actually did for a living, she only knew it was done well.
Eleanor remembered the first time they said that word, the big “G” word. Eleanor hated labels on her relationships so of course Tahani was the first one to slip up. She introduced Eleanor to her parents as her girlfriend and Eleanor froze, but then her parents opened their mouths and it turned out they were a huge bag of dinks. An even bigger bag of dinks than her own parents, and that’s saying something. They said some really not supportive things to which Eleanor nearly planted one on Tahani right there but thought it might be a bit too much (also she couldn’t smoothly reach Tahani’s lips even in heels). Instead she grabbed Tahani’s hand and said, “Come on baby, you’re better than this. Let’s go have fun at this thing you planned all by yourself. It’s amazing, just like you.” and pulled her out to the dance floor. As long as it made Tahani smile like that should would let their relationship have whatever label she wanted.
Eleanor was never one for relationships, she grew bored with them after a few months at most, days at least, but never with Tahani. Tahani always kept her on her toes, kept things new and fun and unpredictable and she could be so densely narcissistic and frustrating and stubborn but if Tahani could like her for all of her faults (and Eleanor admitted she had a lot of them) then why couldn’t she accept Tahani’s? They balanced each other out. It was never a perfect life, they had arguments like all couples do but they would always make up (and it was always Eleanor’s favorite part, she was really really good at making Tahani say her name again in that way, multiple times, Eleanor didn’t want to toot her own horn but her apologies were pretty forking great) but it was a life Eleanor loved nonetheless.
Another thing she would never get to tell Tahani. That she loved her. They’d been together almost two full years and they were always dancing around the word, both too afraid of the power it had; either make things forever or bring it all down. Neither wanted to be the one to take that step first because any other time they heard it in their life the good would end or it was filled with empty sentiment. No, every time they heard the word love it was associated with something bad. Neither really understood what it meant until they had each other, both of their home lives were less than loving and they were each other’s longest relationships so to finally put a name that dangerous and wild to what they were feelings was scary.
But sitting here in the dying light of, well, whatever the natural light was in The Good Place Eleanor regretted not saying it. She placed her hand over her heart, the ache she felt was deep and real. Her other half was not here and she was alone. She took the rest of the day in her dinky clown house to mourn what she was missing.
***
Curiosity got the better of her on day two though, which she was surprised she lasted that long, and she found herself at Michael’s door. “Michael can I ask how I died?”
He hesitated a moment before leading her inside his plain office for the second time in less than twenty-four hours. “Ah, yes, you were hit by a bus on your way home from shopping for liquor.”
Eleanor nodded. “That makes sense. So, I assume the people I left behind, well, person. Singular. She’s okay? Being taken care of and all that?”
She watched Michael go silent, which for him was new, and for her was terrifying. She had only known this man less than a day and knew that when he went silent it probably wasn’t great. “You… weren’t alone in the car, Eleanor. Remember?” And all at once the memory flooded her brain. Tahani looking through her magazine, yelling about how her stupid sister was mentioned 53 times in the first twenty pages alone and Eleanor nodded along because she understood family woe better than anyone, and she was paying more attention to Tahani’s words (as she was inclined to do) and less attention to the road and there was a yellow light that she tried to beat but there was also a giant bus coming from her left that didn’t brake (she was glad, she remembered, that she took the brunt of the force) and then she woke up in Michael’s office.
But if what Michael was telling her was true then Tahani was here.
No, that didn’t make sense. Their love was too great on Earth so certainly if she were here they would be soulmates here too like she was certain they were when they were alive. “Where. I mean. Is…” Eleanor swallowed thickly. “Tahani. Is she here?”
“Janet?” Michael called the robot lady and asked for a file which she promptly handed over. “Tahani al Jamil.” His eyes scanned the paper. “Yes, she’s here, she lives one street over from you, the biggest house in the neighborhood. Have… have you not introduced yourself to your neighbors yet?”
“I’ve literally been here for two days, people aren’t my thing.” She couldn’t help but snap. Nothing made sense now. Except for the biggest house, because of course. “Why… why isn’t she my soulmate?”
“Oh, soulmates are based on algorithms and I guess you two just weren’t compatible.” The way he said it, the way he so carelessly wrote off their story made Eleanor want to scream, throw things, something to show her frustration, she didn’t know. She did know that she just couldn’t be here in this terrible bland office for one more second. Instead she rose from the chair, tipping it over in the process, fork you she thought and fork this whole system, and stormed out of the building.
To her credit Eleanor didn’t go straight to Tahani’s like she wanted, she took the long way back to her stupid house with her stupid soulmate who was probably at the stupid gym anyway. She only stopped at Twist and Shout for an extra-large package of her favorite cookies to wallow in her misery. She’d have to call the robot lady for some alcohol later but for now cookies would have to suffice.
“Big plans, huh?”
Eleanor spun at the voice behind her, a man, not much taller than her, kind of cute in a nerdy way, glasses and all, stood behind her with a sweet smile. It almost made her heart ache less. “Sorry?”
“The, uh, extra-large batch. Throwing a party?” The man must have realized he was intruding on something. “Sorry, you just looked sad. And new. I’m Chidi.” He stuck his hand out and Eleanor begrudgingly took it.
“Well Chibi you hit it on the head. Both of those things, thanks for the concern but I got this.” Eleanor gathered her bag. “Now to head back to my sad clown house and drown my sadness in some good old never let me down oreos.” She didn’t wait for a reply, she felt a little bad but she didn’t have the strength. She just wanted to lay down for a while.
And Tahani. She wanted Tahani too but apparently that was out of the question.
She spent the night getting drunk and cramming her face with cookies like she was going through a break up which she supposed in a sense she was. But maybe not. Who knew anymore, this place sucked. She knew she didn’t belong here, she wasn’t a good person on Earth, there had to be a mistake somewhere. Not for the first time she thought this might be a trick, a dream-like coma hallucination like she would sometimes see on tv, or maybe even The Bad Place. That didn’t make sense though, not if Tahani was here, she was most assuredly Good Place material. Full of herself, yes, but not Bad Place worthy. No, this was The Good Place as sore as it made Eleanor to accept, and she would have to deal.
If Tahani was here and happy, well then, that’s all that mattered. Not too hard of a trade off if Eleanor was being honest with herself.
She fell asleep that night, a restless sleep, curled up on the couch covered in crumbs.
***
Every night after that was more or less the same but the days she tried to mix up a little. Sometimes she would stroll into the square and sit at the milk fountain and watch people. Sometimes she would just walk the side streets (carefully avoiding that street) and smiling weakly at her neighbors, and sometimes she would trade a few more words with Chidi at Twist and Shout (which also was apparently his favorite cookie shop too). At least she had a maybe friend so that was one thing she had going for her.
She caught her first glimpse of Tahani on her sixth day of exploring. She decided to people watch in the square until the sun turned the milk a pretty orange color. Nothing was prettier than Tahani though. She looked radiant, the afterlife looked good on her (everything looked good on her) she had a floral printed dress happily talking to a group of people about a party she was throwing that night at her house just outside of town.
Eleanor left pretty quickly after that, slipping away in the crowd before Tahani’s eyes scanned the square.
Stalking was beneath her, or so she thought. At least it was when she was alive but now it was like she had gotten a taste of something sweet and she wanted more. She couldn’t stop. The one thing she had been dreading she was now seeking out, taking longer walks through the town, hoping for that sweet glimpse of a floral dress or a breathy laugh or beautifully cascading hair or a hint of perfume. She hated that she sunk so low in the Good Place but at least she didn’t go knocking on Tahani’s door and throw a wrench in her perfect afterlife.
But thinking about something long enough was pretty much a sure-fire way to guarantee you were going to do it.
She was proud of herself for lasting as long as she did though, about two weeks after her talk with Michael she left the house with a purpose for once. Letting her feet carry her with confidence she didn’t really feel to Tahani’s palace, and that’s what it was, a forking palace, it took up almost an entire block with the lawn and gardens sprawling beautifully down to the street. She couldn’t think of a more perfect place for Tahani and she stood down by the end of the drive just admiring the gardens, hoping for something.
She regretted the day’s decision almost immediately.
Tahani was home for once, tending to her flowers, of course flowers (their apartment was always covered in flowers; real flowers, floral patterns, bright and beautiful like Tahani and Eleanor never argued, anything that made Tahani smile like that she could deal with, plus her apartment never looked so good). She wore a beautiful blue sundress (she always looked good in blue) and a hat that was far too wide and if Eleanor had her voice she would have picked on her about it but all she could do was stand at the gate and flounder because here was the love of her life living another life without her.
Then she saw him, Tahani’s supposed soulmate. A monk by the looks of things, silent, nodding along happily to whatever Tahani was going on about. At least she had that, someone to listen to her. He was good looking and seemed mild mannered and pleasant company which made Eleanor’s hands ball up in frustration. She watched in silent horror as the monk carelessly plucked a rose from a bush and passed it over to Tahani who took it with a wide, adoring smile Eleanor was used to only seeing aimed at her. It felt like a knife to her chest.
If a simple smile hurt then the kiss on the cheek that followed ripped whatever was left to shreds. She must have made a noise then because Tahani’s head snapped in her direction and Eleanor didn’t know what she wanted more, ignorance or recognition. Both seemed like a horrible but equal possibility.
“Eleanor?”
Recognition it was then.
No. No this was all wrong. This wasn’t how she wanted them to see each other for the first time. She wanted it to be grand and like those stupid rom-coms and French films Tahani would make her watch. No, not like this, not because she couldn’t control her emotions. No. Eleanor spun on her heel and tried to walk away as fast as she could and regroup.
She failed take into account just how forking long Tahani’s legs were and soon she was being stopped in the middle of the street face to face with the love of her life. It felt like that first day at the liquor store all over again. “It is you. My god you are real.” Eleanor wanted to run, she wanted out of this situation but Tahani’s hands were on her, all over her face, her shoulders, and that touch felt like heaven. That was her Good Place. “I… I thought I saw you, in the square by that cheap little milk fountain but I thought I was just seeing things. How?”
“Apparently, when you said I should pay more attention to the road I actually should have listened.”
“No, I know that how. Michael told me that how. I mean,” Tahani opened her mouth and closed it again.
“Tahani al Jamil at a loss for words. I never thought I’d live to see the day.” Eleanor paused. “Well, I guess technically I never did get to live to see the day but you know.” Tahani laughed and Eleanor heard angels sing. “So, um, nice place you got here. Very you.” She shuffled her foot and tried everything in her power to stop the next words from erupting from her. “Nice soulmate too. He looks like a nice dude.”
She watched Tahani swallow hard and she regretted coming here even more. “Jianyu. Yes, he’s, he’s a Taiwanese monk. Um, apparently he’s taken a vow of silence because he hasn’t said one word to me since we got here but he’s very kind and doting.” Eleanor had to look away because Tahani’s eyes were full of apology and regret and pain and it took everything in her power to not grab her and hold her and drag her inside that giant house and use every single room to make those bad feelings go away.
Instead she took a step back. “I’m glad, you deserve good things Tahani. Even if I can’t be the one to give them to you. I’m glad you’re not alone.”
“Eleanor, why…”
Eleanor didn’t want that sentence finished. Why what? There were so many whys. Why did she come? Why had she taken so long to get there? Why weren’t they kissing? Why wasn’t she saying all the things she wanted when they were alive? Why was she just rolling over and giving up her great love without a fight? Why did she think she could beat a bus in the first place? No, this was too much and she took another step back and watched Tahani fold in on herself.
Guilt tasted copper in her mouth.
“Just, be happy Tahani.” Was the last thing she said before turning and all but running away, she didn’t even look back knowing if she did she would cave. She knew she would go back and sweep Tahani up in her arms (as best she could) and say all the ‘be with mes’ and ‘fork soulmates’ and ‘I love yous’ (god, all the I love yous) she could fit between kisses, but she couldn’t, wouldn’t, do that to Tahani. Tahani needed this house and her soulmate and to enjoy the Good Place to its fullest extent. She deserved that and Eleanor spilling her guts all over the street would make all that evaporate for her because they never could say no to each other and Tahani didn’t need all of her mess, her stupid clown house and her obvious misplacement here and just her general Eleanor-ness.
So Eleanor kept walking and didn’t stop until her legs burned and she walked some more back to her house.
She didn’t leave the house much after that. Chidi started bringing her cookies to her (apparently, she had the only sad clown house in the Good Place) and he would stay long into the night and listen to her cry about everything. Not for the first time she was grateful for him, for having a best friend, she supposed they could call each other that much now. He would also give her updates on Tahani when she was strong enough to ask. She always hated the response; ‘she was in the square today with Jianyu holding hands’ or ‘she was buying out Cookie Crumbles for a party, she looked right in her element’ or the one time he told her that she saw Tahani and Jianyu having a romantic evening stroll on his way over’ (she kicked him out after that one, she felt a little bad).
Tahani was happy. It was a mantra in her head now. Tahani was happy and that’s all that mattered.
She still felt empty though. Nothing was right about this, everything she had been through since her arrival felt akin to torture. Wait. Eleanor squinted her eyes at the clown mural on her ceiling and let her thoughts turn to Tahani and her soulmate and the little disasters she noticed since she had arrived and the little things Chidi would tell her about his uneasiness in some of the situations he was in. It all clicked then, late one night (or early morning, who could tell anymore what that stupid fake sun was doing), and she sat up with a jolt, knocking Chidi off the end of the sofa (he had fallen asleep during one of their movie marathons), “Holy motherforking shirtballs.”
