#emmhrip

[theunderspoken]

I find myself really just wanting to hear his voice one more time.

I'm almost surprised at how much this is upsetting me.

I hadn't realized how much I cared about him until now. 

[theunderspoken]

It amazes me how much I've had to learn about in terms of the grieving process in just like a year or two?

At the beginning of my second semester, senior year of high school, a girl I knew named Katie died. She was in one of my classes and was friends with a lot of people I knew. I didn't know her very well, but it turned out we had a lot in common (which I unfortunately didn't learn about until after he passing). The thing that really was the worst about it is that I had actively planned on befriending her that year, because I knew she was friends with some of my friends, I had talked to her a few times before and she seemed cool, and since I had a class with her I thought it'd be a great chance to get to know her. What really sucked was the class that I had with her not only had her in it, but also her boyfriend(Mike) and one of her good friends(Berenice) (both of whom were my friends). So it became impossible to be in that class without thinking about 'I wonder what she would add to this discussion' or 'I wonder if I would've been paired with her to do a group project'. I think the worst part about it was the guilt I felt for not making an effort to get to know her in the previous years. I felt like I had kind of blown her off and been maybe a little mean in tenth grade because that was a really rough year for me and I didn't have the same happy nice energy I usually have/had. I had english with her that year and I couldve made an effort then. But it was too late. I never got the chance and god I just... I regret a lot about that.

Then near the end of senior year a boy, Noah, in 9th grade killed himself. At first I thought I had no connections to this boy but I soon found out that not only was he friends with my friend's brother (Charlie, who I knew well), but he was also the exboyfriend of my friend Berenice, the same Berenice, and the brother of a girl I was somewhat friends with named Hannah. And what's more. I spent homecoming night with him. Him and Berenice (couple), Katie and Mike (couple), and then Michael and Jon(brothers, brothers of Charlie actually). I felt so bad because I remember Jon sort of teasing him at homecoming (not maliciously but still its had to be the freshman in a group of seniors). Not only that but afterwards berenice, michael, jon and I hung out at my house and I believe that is where Jon and Berenice first started liking each other because soon after Berenice broke up with Noah and started dating Jon. The reason I feel so bad about this is I know part of what made Noah depressed was Berenice's leaving him, and I just feel like if I hadn't had them over at my house she would've stayed with Noah until their relationship separated more amicably and maybe he wouldnt have been so depressed. I know depression has a lot more that goes into it than that and that it's no one's fault that he killed himself, it's just that I feel like one little thing like that could make the difference. Then this past year in college I spent more time with Hannah because she is Bryan's best friend (Bryan is a good friend of mine) and I always feel so upset for her because she lost her brother.

So that forced me to deal with the death of someone I'd met once and only very vaguely knew. And of someone I knew but never had the chance to really be friends with. And now this.

Eric wasn't a best friend of mine, and I can't say I knew him super well. But I met him in 9th grade and maintained a friendship with him throughout high school. I had hung out with him a few times outside of school but never of our own organizing. I know once was at a birthday party, another working on a homecoming float, and another at club meetings. But we didn't have that sort of friendship where you text/call each other to hang out. But he had an impact on my life. In fact, even my mom knew him. he used to go to the skate park that she worked at and he was always so nice to her and talk to her. and. gosh. He was a bigger part of my life than I realized. I only have positive memories of him and he meant a lot to me. My friend mentioned possibly hanging out with her and him during this past school year and I had wanted to but it never really happened. Eric was a really special guy. Like truly one of a kind, no one could compare to him guy. 

I just really don't know how all to deal with and process this. And it just makes it that much worse that I'm leaving town for two weeks Thursday and probably wont be able to attend any sort of memorial services. 

And I have to be honest, I'm scared in this line of deaths that someone very close to me is going to pass away soon and. I really can't understand why people have to disappear from the earth like this. 

[theunderspoken]

In related new, I'm going to be living in metcalf dorm next semester and I have never said the name of that dorm without thinking of Eric before so next year will be great.

[theunderspoken]

[theunderspoken]

I have like eleven more letters I want to send but...

I'm just not feeling up to it. And I'm really sorry because I feel like someone might really need one. But. I just cant.

[theunderspoken]

[theunderspoken]

One of the most heart breaking things is thinking about the fact he died while repelling down a mountain, a 270 foot drop.

He wasn't tackling a dangerous cliff and made a misstep.

He was going down. He had already made it past the difficult part.

I was told by a friend he had dislocated his shoulder and hurt a muscle about a week before but decided to go climbing anyway.

Rangers said it was probably a rope mishandling error.

Eric. The guy who always knew exactly how to do everything.  And made sure he did it right when he did. A guy who had apparently edited over 200 wikipedia articles and when asked why he bothered with the Wikipedia articles, he told his family: “Because they were wrong.”

He wasn't the kind to make small mistakes.

I keep picturing him. Slipping. Falling. Getting that feeling in your chest you get when you almost slip but then catch yourself. But realizing he wasn't going to catch himself. What must have gone through his mind in those 270 feet? I can't imagine.

And then I wonder how long he sat at the bottom of that cliff in agony and terror before his life slipped away. Whether he realized this was the end.

A small part of me wonders what he would think about it. Whether he would beat himself up for a small mistake or would say it was pretty cool to go down in history like that.

I don't know. But I know how upset everyone is to see him go. I know how incredible and just downright amazing he was. If I could trade places with him I really would do it. He did so much in his 19 years that I don't think I could ever do.

This is really....it ... I don't even know what to say. But I hate it so much.

Read more here: http://www.newsobserver.com/2012/07/10/2191242/accomplished-unc-student-from.html#storylink=cpy

[theunderspoken]

So I found out tonight through my mother and a series of events that a boy from my high school passed away yesterday in a rock climbing accident.

But it wasn't just any boy. He was a boy I knew and was friends with and once cared a lot about. I keep remembering things that he said or did or that happened to us.

His terribly dancing with the Wii game when he was the only boy at rebecca's party, or when he came and helped build a viking boat even though he wasn't really in film club, or him constantly flirting with jessica in algebra 2 even though we all knew he didn't have a chance

Eric was an absolutely amazing person. I remember wanting so much to be his friend and wanting him to like me. He meant a lot to me and I am so  glad he was a part of my life.

I just feel so guilty now because I haven't talked to him in ages, nor have I thought about him in a while. I regret not keeping in touch, because I know i was capable.

But mostly I am just heartbroken that such a young and amazing person is gone forever.