Some Things to Say to Kids
I don’t have kids, so I sorta don’t know what I’m talking about. But I also think it’s important to routinely say things like the following to your kids, when they’re old enough to understand (some of these are tried and true):
What/how are you feeling?
How did that make you feel?
It’s okay to feel that. It’s always okay to have a feeling. It’s what we do with our feelings that matters.
It’s always okay to say what/how you feel, and why.
It’s okay for her/him to feel that. Remember, it’s always okay to have a feeling.
It’s okay for her/him to say what/how she or he feels and why.
What do you think she/he is feeling? Why?
What do you think she/he is thinking?
What do you think she/he believes about such-and-such?
How do you think that made her/him feel?
What makes this feeling different from that feeling?
What sorts of situations make people have this feeling?
What should you do if you feel such-and-such?
What should you do if someone else is feeling such-and-such?
If you hurt or upset someone in a way that you could/should have avoided, then you should feel bad about that. The way to express this is to apologise to that person, which will help to make things better. If you care about the person, then you should also try to make it up to her/him, and make things better between the two of you again. Our relationships with the people who are close to us are really important.
I need you to do what’s right and to follow my rules, but nothing’s forbidden as long as you give good reasons.
You did it just because you felt like it? But what you did affected someone else. So what you want, or what you feel, isn’t a good enough reason on its own. If someone’s going to be affected by what you do, then you also have to consider what she/he wants and feels. It’s usually best to ask her/him, after telling her/him what you’re wanting to do, rather than thinking that you already know what he/she wants or feels. We’re often wrong about what others want and feel.
You did it just because you felt like it? But what about what she/he wanted, or felt?
What if she/he did that to you?
You should try to treat others how you’d like to be treated. You should try to lead by example—otherwise, you can’t expect others to treat you how you want to be treated.
You shouldn’t treat others how you’d dislike to be treated. Otherwise, you can’t expect others to not treat you the same way. Imagine that whenever you do something that affects someone else, you’re automatically giving everyone permission to do the same thing to you.
As much as you can, you should try to do what you think would be best for everyone involved, and not only for yourself.
When you lie to someone who cares about you, or you take something that belongs to someone who cares about you, you’re hurting that person. You’re making her/him feel bad. How would you feel if you found out that I’d been tricking you to get you to do something you wouldn’t have done otherwise, or that I’d taken something of yours without asking. (Give concrete examples.) You wouldn’t just be upset because things were not as they’d seemed, or because you no longer had what I’d taken. You’d also feel bad because I’d have hurt your feelings. You’d feel betrayed, because you care about me, and because I’m supposed to care about you, and because I did something that I knew you wouldn’t want without talking to you about it truthfully first.
If you want to be able to give good reasons—so that you can convince other people to help you, or to make exceptions for you, etc.—then you have to try to tell the truth as much as possible, even when you’re not giving reasons (but especially when you’re giving reasons). So you shouldn’t lie to get out of trouble, or lie to get something that you want, or lie to get someone to do something that they wouldn’t otherwise have done. People won’t accept your reasons if they think that you might not be telling them the truth. They have to be able to trust what you say. So telling lies won’t just hurt others, it will also make things harder for you in the long run.
If you want something that belongs to someone else, you can’t just take it. And if you want to do something that someone else doesn’t want you to do, then you can’t just do it anyway. You have to talk to her/him about it. Use your words. Give your reasons. Listen to her/his words and try to understand her/his reasons. Tell her/him how you feel about it, and ask how he/she feels about it. Take the other person’s feelings seriously, just as she/he should take your feelings seriously. (It’s never wrong to have a feeling, or to say that you have a feeling. It’s what you do about the feeling that matters). Team up with the other person, and try to work out what’s best for everyone overall.