Vi Hart is a brilliant mathemusician whose work on YT I've watched for ages. I went looking for her Doodling In Math Class videos today, and I found that all of them had been taken private, except one. This video is a special one. This was the first discussion I remember of transgender people in my life. It didn't spark self-recognition in me at first, but it gave me a foundation of empathy and philosophical clarity that I owe her a lot for.
So, in the spirit of her protest, I wanted to signal-boost an old favorite. May we all understand each other's (and our own) meat noises better ;)
I get weekly bonus traits from Genomelink, and this week's trait is as follows:
I find this to be accurate to me. I can see things from others' viewpoints, but that's a skill I had to learn. It does not come naturally to me. So I have to consciously remind myself to slow down and listen, and try to understand where the other person is coming from.
Believe it or not, that is an Fi thing (ftr, I call it "eff-aye," not "fie" or "fee").
Or possibly a neurodivergent thing.
Let me explain...
Fi is kind of self-centered.
Introverted Feeling (Fi) is an analytical function, but what it analyzes are emotions and emotional experiences. Especially in the user. It is the idealism function and has its own idea of how the world should be. It is the moral core function. It is the function that makes the user adhere firmly and stubbornly to their own identity. It does not like compromise, especially on what it perceives to be a moral issue. The Fi-dom in particular has their worldview set in stone by a certain age and they'll be darned if they so much as entertain someone else's. This is why we're kind of easy to offend. Pick on us directly and we'll take it because we value harmony and being able to control our own emotions (we save them for when we want to write you as a character in our stories and then brutally kill that character off). But attack some person, ideal or issue near and dear to our hearts and we'll fly off the handle. And often it does not matter whether that attack is coming from pain or how calm and respectful your argument is. All we see is the attack itself and we lash out. We have to learn not to do this.
Contrast Ti, which is analytical on all fronts and will take an interest in other perspectives purely because they exist. Or Fe, which hears out the other side because it literally cannot do anything else. As the empath function, it feels what the other person is feeling the moment the user is in close proximity to the other person. And it seeks to know more about the source of that feeling so that it can manipulate it to its advantage (Fe can be devious). So for Fe/Ti users, perspective taking comes as naturally as breathing.
So the fact that perspective taking is not an inborn skill for me is definitely the result of my dominant Fi. Unless it's actually the result of ADHD. Because...
ADHD has rejection and anger management issues.
People with ADHD tend to have short tempers compared to neurotypicals. This is because the ADHD brain can be overwhelmed with too much information due to limited working memory (the RAM of the brain) and a deficit in the hormone dopamine which is required to motivate the brain to get to work processing information. This causes the individual to lash out in an attempt to get the flow of information to slow down, organize itself or cease altogether. People with ADHD also internalize all kinds of negative messages about themselves, and that can cause outbursts of anger. When you're angry and overwhelmed with information that you physically cannot process properly, you tend not to listen to people around you. Even if you could focus on what they're saying, you're not going to really hear them when your working memory is overloaded.
ADHD also causes rejection sensitivity. This can create problems in an argument. A person with ADHD can do just fine in a civilized debate. But if the debate becomes a heated argument, ADHD starts to get in the way. The opponent starts to take offense and go on the attack, and that's a clear case of rejection of the other person's viewpoint. This can cause the person with ADHD to either respond in kind and escalate the conflict, or shut down altogether and walk away. Neither response allows the person to hear their opponent's perspective. And it can permanently damage the relationship, as the person with ADHD will often try to avoid the person who rejected their viewpoint so as to avoid a similar conflict.
Undiagnosed neurodivergent people can sometimes be clued into their condition by their inability to consistently practice perception taking. Even if it's a skill they've worked hard to learn, the fact that they still fail at it sometimes can indicate that there's something going on upstairs that's a little more beyond their control than they realize. There may be an underlying cause to your inability to see through another's eyes, and it's not because of some personality flaw.
What do you think? INFP or ADHD?
For my part, I think both my dominant Fi and my ADHD are contributing factors in having to learn and actively practice perspective taking rather than coming by it naturally. I have learned how to do it, and yet I still struggle sometimes to do it when I'm blinded by anger. It's a trap anyone can fall into, but it's definitely something I think the Fi user with ADHD is the most prone to.
Hello! INFJ here. I recently moved to a new city, and I don't have any friends here. What does not help the case is that my previous friend circle broke up basically, bc everyone went to different ways in life. This is the first time in my life, when I'm alone. So learned from mistakes, now I want to make new friends here in the new place, but I don't know how to start. Do you have any recommendation? It can be about the good mindset for this, or what would you do. I'd like to hear your opinion.
Generally speaking, you need good social skills to have a healthy social life, and emotional intelligence is the most important component. Whether you're looking for a friend or a date, all relationships begin with the first moments of emotional connection. Whether the relationship evolves further depends on the ability of both parties to keep the emotional connection going and growing. Socializing well requires several capabilities, all of which can be improved through learning and practice:
1) Openness: Approach people with a genuine willingness to engage, receive, and contribute. Give people the benefit of the doubt by assuming they are a good relationship candidate until there is evidence otherwise. When you approach socializing with full openness, you are actively looking for relationship opportunities all around you, whenever and wherever people appear. Psychological issues like self-absorption, distrust, apathy, depression, pessimism, cynicism, judgmentalness, and prejudice get in the way of openness and should be remedied through self-improvement.
2) Risk-Taking: Being "new in town" can be a great way to start a conversation because it allows you to approach people and solicit information without appearing weird or nosy. If you want someone to engage with you, you have to put out some kind of "invitation" or "offer" to let them know that an opportunity for connection is available. For example, use small talk to get to know a stranger, invite an old friend for an activity, or offer help to someone in need of assistance. The degree of commitment of the invitation/offer should be appropriate to how well you know each other. Risk-taking implies that a person should be proactive and assertive, but this doesn't guarantee you will get what you expect in return. People aren't obligated to take up your invitations and offers, so you have to be able to move on quickly from dead ends, declines, or rejections. If you are unable to handle emotional risk gracefully due to psychological issues with fear, anxiety, shame, anger, or past trauma, then it is advisable to undergo therapy to resolve the issue.
3) Give-and-Take: When people present you with an opportunity to connect, you have to be able to read the cues and respond appropriately, in a way that lets the other person know you are interested in continuing. This includes things such as: showing respect, taking turns initiating, being fully present and listening, asking thoughtful questions to further conversation, answering questions in full sentences, sharing your experience, giving energy, mirroring body language, reflecting emotions, validating their experience. Remember that the majority of communication takes place through emotions. Emotional communication is like playing a noncompetitive game of catch, where you keep passing the ball between you and try not to drop it. The game ends when both agree to it or when nobody wants to pick the ball back up. For various reasons, some people do not have natural aptitude for picking up social cues and/or do not have good knowledge of socially appropriate responses, in which case, some formal study and practice may be required (see the recommended books on the resources list).
4) Perspective-Taking: A relationship moves beyond superficial exchange to become "close" when you care more, commit more, get involved in each other's daily life, understand each other's point of view, and look out for each other in a reciprocal way. This requires that you are able to step outside of yourself and enter into the experience of another, through cognitive and emotional empathy. Unfortunately, many people live a life that is too full/fast/messy to include another person. Remember that a close relationship requires time and effort, so you may have to reconfigure your priorities to ensure you devote enough to your friendships.
5) Meaning-Making: A relationship becomes "intimate" when two people are able to generate meaningful experiences together. This usually happens through: reinforcing shared values and ideals, participating in shared rituals and traditions, pursuing important goals together, processing emotional events together, supporting and helping each other through challenging and difficult times. An intimate relationship means that two people are close enough for differences and old baggage to create disagreement and conflict, which means that both parties need to have good conflict resolution skills and enough emotional maturity to communicate constructively through disagreements.
Remember that socializing is an art, not a science. You have to be adaptable and go with the flow of what's happening, rather than relying on fixed rules. Not everyone's going to be your BFF, so make room in life for all kinds of different relationships, if you hope to create a strong social support network.
And how do Indigenous people really feel about them?
“I always think of the old analogy of a simple bicycle. Or as someone explained to me, OK, like if I stole your bike, and then told you later that I was sorry for stealing it, that acknowledges that it’s your bike but I never gave the bike back to you”
"My brain has evolved and created a way to work around some the challenges I inherently experience attuning to a person's inner world and knowing what that person is thinking or feeling."
@star-anise @fierceawakening this looks relevant to your interests!
The Echo Effect: How Repeating People’s Words Improves Social Interaction
People who are masters at communication often make good use of repeating back the words they hear from the people they are speaking with.
When people use the same words, it creates less social distance between them and makes them feel more similar to each other. But when people use very different words, it creates more social distance and makes them feel more disconnected from each other.
Psychologists are now calling this the “echo effect.” The basic idea is that by repeating back the words people use, we can benefit our social interactions in a variety of ways.
This is a good primer of the history of the issue and the perspectives of Health Care workers in so called 'Canada'. it gives a brief and list of resources of the history of MAID and links to current news.
