#emptied out

[howifeltabouthim]

Her mind, for once, was blessedly free of all thought.

Irina Reyn, from What Happened to Anna K.

[agendratum]

oh no i absolutely do not have time to talk about this because work but i’m thinking again about how few lines pete has after coming back from the safehouse

idk if any of this is going to make sense but

like yeah in the first half of the story pete might be pretending to be a background character, but he’s actually there a lot, very present, throwing these and those phrases around, monologuing occasionally to explain this and that to porsche. you actually *hear* him the whole time.

10th episode? literally pete’s time to shine. he actually makes his presence felt there on purpose.

he gets captured by vegas and if anything he starts talking more. he talks in defiance to vegas, he talks to himself, he talks to get through to vegas. so many lines! so many thoughts, opinions, so much of him being an alive character.

there is a whole monologue again in their final confrontation in the safehouse. a whole monologue of him voicing what he’s feeling in the moment, letting it all out. but he’s so tired at this point, so confused, hurt, desperate, *tired*. he manages an “i’m sorry” before he knocks vegas out

he manages “somebody help me please” when he steps out. but here he’s already, i don’t know how to say this- there is no more him in him at this point.

he comes back to the main house, and i mean, everyone literally thinks he’s an actual ghost for a moment.

in their bathroom, with porsche, this is pete on autopilot. “i went home, i really went home, please believe me” this is pete, bared of every protective layer he had, using his last defense, but it might as well be a piece of torn napkin he’s waving in front of porsche. and porsche sees it and he stops trying to get out any more lines out of pete

there is a silent scene of pete crying into the bowl of noodles. there is a silent scene of pete in yok’s bar, even as there so much comforting noise, and music and familiar voices and happiness and relief around. there is a silent scene of pete trying to have a smoke outside.

and then vegas shows up. and pete pulls a gun on him (a more real defense, still as useful as a napkin in pete’s hands tho, because he can’t shoot vegas, he can’t), still doesn’t say anything. it’s only when vegas presses him against that damn tree, putting them in a way too familiar dynamic for a second there, and apologizes for fuck’s sake, making a confused pete even more confused, pete who’s trying to make sense of himself now and failing, pete who’s trying to gather himself back from the pieces he has left and not managing, that’s when pete gets a “get the fuck out of my life” out.

and then he doesn’t say anything else for the rest of this scene. and it’s vegas who’s saying all these things that pete at his point couldn’t possibly say. and it’s vegas’ arms pete falls into, because he’s sososo tired, and so desperately needs to, and what could he possibly say about this. and it’s vegas seeing him again, words or not, and pete cannot hide from him anyway

next words he’ll say will be at the parking lot. before that there are going to be two scene with pete where he’s not going to say anything again.

in the parking lot he’ll shout to draw vegas’ attention. then he’ll tell these guys to go after kinn. that will be a fake line, that’s pete playing a role. and then he has only two lines again. vegas says he’s sorry, pete responds, bitter, “sorry?”. pete’s still so broken, so confused, so so so angry, and then vegas scares him. because vegas wants- to die? and that makes pete shout, and that makes pete even more confused, so fucking confused, because what the fuck *is* he talking about?

and then vegas tells him he loves him. and that dumbfounds pete for a good while. he doesn’t respond, he sobs into the kiss, he sits on the floor as vegas escapes. and not to derail my pretty serious very emotional about pete post with my stupid metaphors, but i’m pretty sure it was pete’s windows system finally restarting after all this time of him being almost fully silent, not being able to understand or express himself in any way since he escaped. this rewired pete

he finally knew what he wanted to say

[autumn-oceanopromises]

(808) emptied out

The box is one quarter emptied out. The names blur past, screens opening and closing.

      The years blur to the past, blooming and closing       I speak to my grandmother, bright and loud.

The older names, I try to speak them out loud, The last time their name might be seen, said, passed, grieved -

      I pass over and grieve the last time I saw       my grandmother. She forgot everything.

I don’t know if these names have been forgotten in lieu: “Nana, Grandpa” on stones and urns.

      I never knew my grandmother’s name.       I barely remember the smell of her cooking.

The smell of the dust rising makes me cough. The box is two quarters emptied out.

[mystlnewsonline]

New Post has been published on https://www.stl.news/mudslide-stricken-california-town-is-all-but-emptied-out/66713/

Mudslide-stricken California town is all but emptied out

MONTECITO, Calif. /January 12, 2018 (AP)(STL.News) —Most residents of mudslide-ravaged Montecito were under orders to clear out Friday as the search for victims dragged on and crews labored to repair power, water and gas lines as well as clean up massive debris.

Even those who didn’t lose their homes in the disaster that left at least 18 people dead were told to leave for up to two weeks so they wouldn’t interfere with the rescue and recovery operation.

It was another frustrating turn for those living in the Southern California town that has been subject to repeated evacuation orders in recent weeks, first because of a monster wildfire last month, then because of downpours and mudslides.

Cia Monroe said her family was lucky their home wasn’t ruined and they were all healthy and safe, though her daughter lost one of her best friends.

But Monroe said it was stressful after evacuating three times during the wildfire to be packing up a fourth time and looking at spending up to $3,000 a week for a hotel.

“Where do you go when you’re a family of four and you don’t have a second house?” Monroe asked, noting that some residents of the town have third and fourth homes. “Financially that’s a burden.”

More than 1,200 workers had flooded into the town of about 9,000 residents for the search and cleanup effort.

The presence of curious and concerned citizens who had trudged through the mud Thursday to view the devastation was replaced with more firefighters in bright yellow rain gear and utility crews in orange safety vests working with chainsaws and jackhammers.

A backhoe scooped up mud and rocks around buckled and flattened homes, while bulldozers cleared roads of tangled trees, muck and boulders. Tanker trucks were being used to haul off floodwaters siphoned off U.S. Highway 101, the crippled coastal route connecting Santa Barbara to Ventura.

Santa Barbara County Sheriff Bill Brown said residents who had stayed behind or tried to check on damage in neighborhoods where homes were leveled and car-size boulders and trees blocked roads and littered properties had hindered the recovery effort.

On Thursday, Brown expanded what was known as the public safety exclusion zone to incorporate most of the town. That meant that even those who had stayed behind would have to leave and those who entered the zone would be subject to arrest.

Residents who remained in town Friday were either seen packing up their cars with clothing and other belongings for their latest evacuation or staying out of sight.

“It is a little frustrating,” said Sarah Ettman, who planned to leave Saturday. “It’s martial law here, basically. You know there are looters being caught and there are so many gawkers and people that just have no business being in here.”

Rescue crews were busy sticking poles into thick muck, swollen creeks and tangled trees in search of five missing people while dogs sniffed for bodies.

The 18th victim, Joseph Bleckel, 87, was found dead in his home near Romero Canyon before noon, Brown said.

The cause of Bleckel’s death wasn’t announced, but all other victims died from multiple traumatic injuries due to a flash flood and mudslides.

Brown named the five people still missing, which included Fabiola Benitez, the mother of Jonathan Benitez, a 10-year-old killed in the flooding.

Benitez lived with her sister-in-law, Marilyn Ramos, 27, who was asleep with her daughter, Kaelly, 3, when mud crashed through their Montecito rental home, carrying both to their deaths.

“My sister was such a good person, she only thought of others to the point that she would cry with you when you were hurt or sick,” said Ramos’ sister, Jennifer Ramos, pausing to sob for several seconds.

The drenching rains that unleashed the deadly torrents managed to finally contain the largest wildfire in state history, which burned for weeks above Montecito and stripped the steep hills of vegetation, making it prone to mudslides. The U.S. Forest Service announced Friday that the fire that burned 440 square miles (1,140 square kilometers) was fully contained.

While Montecito is best known as a getaway for the rich and famous — the median home price among current listings is more than $4 million — there are also working families living in modest houses and apartments.

With most utilities out of commission or about to be cut off, staying behind was not an option for many.

Ettman’s home was undamaged, and her section of town still had gas and electricity, even though nearby Romero Creek was choked with cars, trees and rocks.

Because she couldn’t re-enter the area if she left, Ettman arranged to have groceries delivered to her at a police checkpoint. But with gas and power expected to be shut off Saturday, she said she would heed the order to leave.

“I mean you’re losing all your basic health and sanitation services,” she said. “When those go down, you have to leave.”

___

Melley contributed from Los Angeles. Associated Press writers Amanda Lee Myers, John Antczak, Michael Balsamo and Andrew Dalton in Los Angeles and Aron Ranen in Montecito contributed to this report.

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By KRYSTA FAURIA and BRIAN MELLEY, by Associated Press – published on STL.News by St. Louis Media, LLC (Z.S)

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