#endo-haven-vent

[endo-haven]

i hope it's okay to vent / rant about ex anti endo experience , if not feel free to delete this! /gen

im an ex anti endo, and the community, while i certainly understand some concerns and complaints they have for different aspects of the endo community it's just so... hateful? my time there was not enjoyable in the slightest and it heavily impacted my mental health. i was incredibly spiteful and i regret the beliefs i had towards endos.

a lot of the claims they make, i don't even really see...? i don't see endos claiming they have DID / OSDD / ETC or are on the same page as that stuff, and anti endos want endos to have their own terms but still get upset when they do and then steal them? it's strange to me.

but the endo community has been much more positive regardless of origin of systems and it's something i really appreciate. my time online in this community has been a lot more enjoyable and everyone feels a lot more friendly. in anti endo spaces i felt like i had to constantly justify myself: and here i don't. and it's really nice!

so to all endogenics: i'm sorry for my past beliefs, you all are very nice and i support you ( signed an ex anti endo & now discovered endogenic)

it’s alright to vent here, i’m glad you’ve got somewhere to open up. i’m glad the community has been more enjoyable and nicer here.

the anti endo community is so harmful and pushes endos to make their own space while TAKING that space and terms right from them once they establish it. i’m very glad you’ve realised how horrible and wrong that community is and have gotten out of it! i know how toxic it can be so reminder to take a breather, for you and everyone here

[endo-haven]

I'm so tired of anti-endos. I'm very tired of having to check every single blog I interact with. I'm just tired...

i know how tiring that is, it can be so draining which is why i encourage taking breaks and making sure to simply block anyone you don’t like at all

[endo-haven]

im kind of sad there doesnt seem to be a label for what our system is, weve been questioning about it and,, as much as id like to find a label its really not healthy for us to get kind of personal here, we.. this isnt our life to live. the person who had this life died and we, the system whos here now, just kind of.. took it? we only just now processed that. we, or the body? unsure, could feel that emptiness, that lack of a soul. this wasnt the best outcome, i feel guilty for not being there and preventing their passing. but cant go back now, i guess. i feel guilty explaining this. i dont understand why. i wish there were more people who understood. i wish i could find people i relate too. i want to feel like im not the only one. -🎭(🧣🌀sys) (also kinda sorry for sending a ton of asks, 🎭's been dealing with some stuff.)

that does sound hard to deal with, and while that person might not be here to live this life you are. and the fact you’re here and living is more than enough for them i’m sure. sometimes we all aren’t able to handle it but what matters is pushing through for them and ourselves

and part of that can be slowly trying to find terms we can relate to and labels that make us more comfortable

[endo-haven]

(only off-anon because we don't follow vent blogs often and therefore won't see this otherwise/lh)

Anyway, we run a syscourse blog and were going through the anti-endo tags for the sake of getting material for blackout posts recently. And it made us realize just how intensely and genuinely that community hates people like us.

With some exceptions (and believe me, we are NOT trying to pretend there aren't exceptions), literally all the endo community has done is... exist. Heck, many endogenic systems have actively helped the plural community, but anti-endos love to insist that all they do is ruin it.

There isn't much of a point to this-- it's just a shame, really.

(blurry/blendy)

nods, for the majority of the community endos do nothing but exist. and anti endos treat them so terribly and act like they’re causing major harm and problems by just existing. while yes there are some exceptions even in some of those cases they’ve been provoked first and then treated as monsters

overall it is just a shame and really unfortunate

[endo-haven]

tw: Small vent and mention of sa

thank you for making your blog an endo safe space, my system formed due to my autism adhd and my gender confusion. Piled on top of my neighbor used to sa me when I was younger and the manipulation from my father. I'm so happy to find a safe space for people like me and my headmates this means a lot

i’m glad you’ve found a safe space here!! i’m so sorry that all happened to you, we’re always here for you to chat and vent ^_^

[endo-haven]

this is more of a vent.

we (as in my system) have GOT to stop asking people for advice.

we have alexithymia and stuff and like. when we ask for advice, people always expect a level of emotional awareness that we just don't have. and sometimes people give advice anyways even if we weren't asking for it. it feels so awkward to explain to someone that, no we can't write down what each alter likes and doesn't like, because we don't know the difference in those feelings. we genuinely can't tell and it feels so awkward to explain things like that, because we feel like an idiot for not knowing.

i promise you’re not an idiot for not knowing, things like that aren’t easy to know and keep track of anyways and people expecting that is cruel. i can imagine how hard dealing with those things and the forced advice too

[endo-haven]

I’m sad. I feel like I can’t enjoy anything.

My favorite movie ever is The Brave Little Toaster. It is my comfort film that I watch when I am feeling sad or depressed. I already write fanfiction for it and make OCs, but I want to actually talk to the rest of the fandom. There’s a discord server, but one of the active members is very anti-endo. Every time I see their icon I remember that they probably hate me and people with my similar experiences. I left. The stress was burning me up. I hate being hated. I just want to chat about the toaster movie without having to hide who I am.

oh god i’m so sorry that sucks :( small fandoms being anti endo is the worst feeling ever. you shouldn’t have to hide who you are at all and i’m sure there’s some people out there also hiding who they are in that community who you could get along great with

[endo-haven]

For some reason, every time there’s a uprise in anti-endo hate in inclusive tags, I get this really harsh reminder of feelings I repress about my& own plurality lol . I get this feeling that I’m just inherently broken for being endogenic/protogenic. don’t get me wrong, i love my headmates and wouldn’t trade them for the world, but sometimes there’s this unshakable feeling that maybe my entire existence is wrong

ik this is stuff I’ve internalized from sysmeds and it sucks. :\ I just want to exist as I always have, we didn’t crawl of the pits of self-denial and repression just for me to feel like I’m inherently broken for being born plural yknow!! augh

oh god whenever anti endos do that to the tags it’s horrible,, and it’s so easily to internalise it especially when they’re even in your own tags

i promise there’s nothing wrong with you for your origins or for being endogenic, there’s just some awful people out there