#endostruggles

[thechronicallychill-blog]

You know what’s fun? Fucking bullshit panic attacks. So today, I had an appointment with my GP who, after literally Googling my symptoms in front of me, concluded that I am fine and have I just considered that maybe I haven’t been fainting and maybe I’m actually just depressed? Which would be fine, except I not only have witnesses from fainting, my goddamn smart watch caught the whole event and registered the fact that my heart rate when from 89, to 138, to 40 in less than a minute. She put in a referral to a cardiologist anyway but was more concerned about me being on Lupron and what will I do when I want babies?!?! Even though she herself suggested I go on Lupron years ago. Sorry not sorry, but if I’m too sick to look after myself effectively, why on earth would I consider adding children to that mess? Forget that. So I come home super tired and still have a bunch of housework to do. Don’t get any of it done. Then the wifi crapped out and I cant remember the last time I paid my bill because Lupron brain, and can’t check it because there’s no wifi and I’m out of data, and it’s after nine so I can’t call them. And then I start thinking about that, and the fact that I just took on another pet, and my health is out of control, and everything in the world is out of control and then I started hyperventilating and crying right as my roommate walked in the door. Because of wifi. So now I am eating a lot of Gravol and going to bed because I got roughly 4 hours of sleep last night because insomnia and hormones and everything is hell. But here’s a nice picture of some of my coworkers Puff and Hugo who are nice and only have to worry about hay and jumps. Don’t ever let your prescriptions run out, kids. It ruins you. #luprondepot #lupron #lupronsucks #spoonie #spoonielife #spoonieproblems #endometriosis #endo #endostrong #endostruggles #estradiol https://www.instagram.com/p/BnCxrwmAn7U/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=iiz057nzlpet

[thechronicallychill-blog]

Ended up at the duty doctor tonight because my heart rate was all over the place. This appetite nonsense is starting to get a little sketch. I have been hypoglycaemic for over 24 hours straight, even though I’m eating. They sent me home with a very high calorie protein shake prescription and a full blood panel, so waiting for the results from that when I see my GP next week. I drank so. Much. Gatorade. And a protein shake and actually feel like a human right now, which is unfortunate because it’s nighttime. But I’ll take what I can get at this point. On the one hand, it’s nice to have dropped the weight I’d gained on Visanne. But if there’s one thing I’ve taken away from this, it’s that being thin because of meds is no different than being fat because of meds. People will still have reactions and make unwarranted comments about your body. And your body will still be beyond your control or moderation. For those of you on Lupron struggling with this, a nice “oh thanks, it’s the chemo!” Is a fantastic way to shut that shit down. When I look at myself in a mirror right now, I can’t enjoy being back down to my pre-illness weight, because I know it’s not mine. It’s not my choice, it’s not my body. It’s medication starving me. And as quick as the pounds have shed, all it will take is one med adjustment to throw them back on. I don’t care what the number says; I just want to feel healthy. #lupron #lupronsucks #lupronsurvivor #weightlosstransformation #spoonie #endostrong #endostruggleswontkeepmedown #endostruggles #endometriosis #endometriosisawareness

[thechronicallychill-blog]

Sleeping awake | this is gonna be a pity post, but whatever. It’s important to share the good and the bad and the brain foggy. Ima whine about brain fog today. It’s been especially bad lately because I’ve been off add-back, but today was the worst day so far. I lost my wallet somewhere in my house and when I tried to remember where else I’ve had it this week, I straight up couldn’t. I had no idea. Since I started Lupron, I’ve had short term memory issues, but always laughed them off because I can’t do anything about them anyway. But today was the first day I couldn’t remember a whole chunk of life and that was scary. I only renewed my add back yesterday, so I need to give it a few days to do its thing. It just sucks constantly feeling drunk and disconnected from reality. Life right now feels like a hazy dream and it effects the people I’m close to. My roommate checks to make sure I didn’t leave the stove on, and that I remembered to feed myself at all. I drop off mid-sentence because I can’t find the words or lose my train of thought. I don’t follow the shows I loved anymore because I can’t focus on them long enough to keep up. My specialist and his attending both got after me this week for not eating and losing 40 pounds in 3 months and I couldn’t really say anything other than that I’m trying. All I want is to live a productive, fulfilling life and it’s a constant battle between illness and side effects. Trying to be chill and remember this is temporary. It’s just exhausting constantly trying to be present and fed and aware everyday at once. In fact, right now, it’s downright impossible. . . . . #lupron #luprondepot #lupronshot #lupronsurvivor #lupronsuckstoo #spoonie #spoonielife #spoonieproblems #endostrong #endostruggles #endometriosis #endometriosisawareness

[thechronicallychill-blog]

@twentysixribs called me from America and I declined because “I have to take an aesthetic photo for my garbage Insta” and this is what you get so. Sorry my updates have been hella lame and far between lately. I’m still riding out this wave of side effects and I’m pretty down. I get completely neurotic when I should be resting or when I’m brain foggy, so this week has been a cycle of compulsively trying to organise my already organised house because I feel shitty, being unable to finish a task because I feel shitty, feeling shittier because I’m not resting, and then beating myself up for not getting anything done. I know it takes time for add back to work its magic, but I’m impatient and my next Lupron shot is Friday, which is gonna make me foggy all over again anyway. Spending the rest of today zonked out on the couch in front of Harry Potter and trying to remember this counts as being productive. #spoonie #spoonielife #spoonieproblems #restless #endostrong #endostruggles #endometriosis #endometriosisawareness #lupronsucks #lupron

[dicasodonto]

#Repost @dr.smile with @repostapp Aquele momento que a radiografia sai perfeita. ・・・ That moment when you get the perfect x-ray 💀. #MyPreciousPA #EndoStruggles #GollumKnows #dicasodonto