Ennea Talks #2
Something I'm seeing more and more is the amount of times I just... don't say what I actually feel.
Someone will ask me a question, a simple, normal question, and I just don't want to answer. Instead of saying "I'm not in the mood to talk or answer questions right now" I just grumpily ask "why?"
Another time someone will start telling me something, and I will just tune out and leave my earbuds in, because once again, I'm not in the mood.
Finally, people ask me to do things, vague things that I don't want to do, or figure out. Guess what my response is? Either grumpily do it and be clearly angry about it, or just pretend I didn't hear them and leave my earbuds in.
In my brain, I had justified my behavior by thinking by going "they're annoying, they're so needy, why can't they do things quietly by themselves, I just want to be left alone."
I finally talked to the person, since they were studying a book I gave them on the enneagram.
When we started talking about potential types, do you know what they said?
"You don't seem like a 9, it's described as self-effacing."
To that person, I was coming off as aggressive, shovy, and not at all a "peaceful mediator." I looked like a jerk.
Does that mean I'm not a 9? Not at all. That 'oh I'm so nice and peaceful' nonsense comes from just... not existing. Not shoving back on what I actually want. Not even taking the time to think about if I want something.
This person just hadn't seen my public "go along with the flow" persona, and only saw how much I resisted being controlled or told what to do. I wasn't taking responsibility for my own moods and attitudes and instead blamed THEM for their personality. I didn't even try to bridge the gap in communication and just withdrew every time they just wanted genuine interaction.
For myself, I am working on communicating more honestly and directly, as much as I wish that, you know, people would just leave me alone, stop asking questions, and read my mind.