#enneagram journaling

[driftwooddiaries]

[driftwooddiaries]

Hello my… Type 9… Life-Blog-thing…

Preface: I know I said I was going to stop dwelling on this person, and stop obsessing my thoughts on them, and to stop writing about them so much [wait, why should I care about that though? This blog is mostly for journaling and it’s not really meant for a direct audience to satisfy their reading-pleasures… And journaling is healing.]… BUT Here we are again!!

It’s been 9-10 months since my 6+ year relationship (best friendship) with Alice has come to an end. I have written/posted about her a few times since then, here on Tumblr (most posts have been set to private now). This kinda saddens me when I think about it because this blog is pretty new still and I thought I would have so many more adventures/stories with Alice to write/talk about on here but unfortunately it wasn’t long after creating this blog that we ‘broke up.’ I guess I can just reflect on memories… But I’m currently in my “move on”/healing process from all of this so I don’t know if it would be constructive to romanticize the past and reflect on good ol’ memories (OHH Type 9s and your nostalgia…).

I feel like I’m going a little crazy here.

So yesterday, I show up to work as usual. Alice’s car is in the parking lot, meaning she’s already in the office. [Have I mentioned we work together?]

I walk to my desk, which forces me to move past Alice’s, and I noticed she wasn’t there. I assumed she was in the bathroom.

After making myself cozy at my desk and preparing myself for a busy morning, I get up to go fetch a drink from the break-room fridge.

I can hear small indistinct chatter coming from the break-room as I approach it’s entry-way. 

Oh shit. Sitting at the first table you see upon entering the room is Alice. She’s cutting and dicing up tomatoes while another coworker fills a bowl with bean-salad ingredients across from her. (The food is being prepared for our team’s holiday potluck).

Naturally, as anyone would do, catching a glimpse of movement in the corner of your eye will cause you to turn and look at what’s moving. With myself entering the room, Alice looks up. She see’s it’s me and she immediately dips her head back down. But her eyes deceive her. She pretends to keep looking at the tomatoes she’s cutting but I know it for sure (I can see it for myself… I can feel it…), Alice is glaring at me through the roofs of her eyelids. She thinks her fluffy blonde bangs are hiding it well but they ain’t.

As I enter the room, I feel obliged to be polite and say something to the two women. I tell them, “Good morning, Ladies.”

I feel a bit awkward saying this because.. I don’t tell Alice good morning anymore. That was something we did every day for years. Since she’s developed her hatred for me, it’s only been a few times I’d say it to her with mostly good intentions. (Ugh, it was a week prior that I immaturely greeted Margarita a “good morning” in a loud, robust, obnoxious, but coy tone; right in front of Alice— as if to say, ‘Margarita is my friend’ because they were chatting and I got insecure.)

Dear Blog… A lot of things have changed/happened since I last wrote to you about Alice. Basically: Margarita and I were cubicle roommates first for over a year and six months, both of us sharing that space. - Alice and I stopped being friends - Three months after Alice and I stopped being friends, she moves her desk to a vacant spot that’s 7 feet away from me. Therefore, she can see/hear Margarita and I at all work hours - Margarita decides to move her desk to the other vacant spot, the one that shares cubicle space with Alice now (both of the women chose to move to these spots because it is dimmer/darker in this corner of the room. There are no harsh fluorescent lighting above their seats). Honestly, Margarita’s move into Alice’s cubicle bums me out - Now that Margarita is in Alice’s space, Alice has decided to befriend Margarita, after avoiding us for many months because of my fall-out. I will not lie, this has made me jealous and even feel hostility - And then quite a few weeks later, an incident happens to Margarita at work (not related to Alice at all. And Margarita is freaking out and can’t stop spiraling/chatting to me across the way). This ‘incident’ has caused me to have to move my desk per Boss’s pleas for better productivity out of me, and I comply for the sake of my sanity… - I have moved 5 spaces back away from Alice and Margarita now. I share a dim-lit cubicle with another person now and it’s nice because it’s very rare if I hear Margarita talking to Alice, not to mention my monitors have the front of the room completely blocked from my view - And now you’re up to date my dear ol’ Type 9 blog.

So anyway. Back to the break room. Alice is glaring at me. The other coworker (I’ll call her ’T’ for now), greets me with compliments on my outfit. It was really sweet of her. I felt enchanted for a brief second. You see, because of Alice and I splitting, I had this fear that the office no longer liked me. I would hope that Alice kept our drama under wraps, and I’m sure she has for the most part, but it’s blatantly obvious we have problems when she’s fucking GLARING AT ME and avoiding me anytime we cross paths. - So for T to be so kind to me even in front of Alice, it made me feel grateful and blessed, even. I’m not hated by everyone… 

I don’t hang around long. That was a tense 45 seconds just to grab my fucking Sprite out of the refrigerator 🙄. I don’t need to be in there.

-Now we must talk about Enneagram Type 1s. Like, really unhealthy Type 1s hold contempt for others but like… Am I going to be hated forever? I am deeply scorned.

[driftwooddiaries]

Something about the word, ‘Pussy’ grinds my gears when used in bad context against Type 9s. What, because we fear conflict?

I’ll admit I’m a pussy WHEN I know for a fact that I am being a pussy. But never take a 9 for granted; we are just as powerful as all the other types and we can let you know it, too!

I stand tall with my courage; and I push it forward where it is needed. Perhaps it’s my [lesser dominant] 8-wing coming out… I don’t know. But my 1-wing wants JUSTICE, so I will comment and call out those that are being assholes. I… am not a pussy in that regard…

Alice, my once good friend, used to give me a little praise for asserting myself—- even if the majority of that time it was to internet strangers (again, assholes). She would tell me I was brave when I tackled sensitive or controversial subjects. She said she could never—

As you know it, dear Enneagram Journal, Alice (a Type 1) and I are no longer friends. That’s six years worth of friendship, gone like that. 🫰

Alice has been so avoidant of me at work that it’s become extremely absurd. Alice, the one whom would call other people pussies. Alice, who now sits beside my desk/cubicle at work but has been avoiding coming into the office for a month if I’m present (our schedules are not lining up). But the time has come… she has no choice but to finally see me in person for the first time in a month, and it is glorious. It fell on a day where we’d both be in the office.

I’ve been waiting for this day to come… Honestly when she moved her stuff into my corner of the room, I felt a bit territorial. This was MY SPACE; how dare she do this after she discarded me. And to top it off, today marks our 7th anniversary working together. This would have been our 7th year as friends up until 3 months ago…

So I’m at my desk, waiting patiently for her arrival when suddenly I hear her shuffling down the hallway after she had entered the front entrance to our office. Her feet were approaching. She scurries into her new spot/cubicle to my right and she sets down her stuff on the desk with her back turned towards me to avoid my sight.

I fucking chimed out loud, “😃 GOOOOD MORNING, ALICE!! 🎶”

I could see her shoulders bunch up, “..morning..”, she mumbles, facing the wall.

“Happy 7th Anniversary working for (company name)!”

“..thank you..” she mumbles again and pulls her laptop out of her bag, still avoiding looking at me at all.

That’s all. That was all I wanted to say. I turn my face back to my computer monitor to continue working. My hands are shaky. Gah, these damn nerves….. my hands are trembling after saying just that. Adrenaline fills me. What gives? Was that confrontational?…. Whatever. All I can think about now is I can’t believe I did that. I am brave. Braver than her… “Pussy.” I think to myself.

Some 45 minutes later Margarita (Type 7) walks in to work. She leans in her chair towards me, “I don’t know how you do it. If I were you, I couldn’t handle sitting that close to someone; someone that you used to be close to and now you’re not. I can’t. I just can’t. It’s too tense! I would be moving my desk. I would be moving to the furthest spot in the room!! This is insanity.”

I reply, “Eh. I am bothered but not enough to want to move seats. I was assigned this spot first. All I need to do is just focus on my job.”

Margarita whispers harshly, “How can you focus when you have to look her way?!”

I shrug. Deep down inside my 9-self, I just know how to exist with people, even enemies. I’m good at it. I don’t feel threatened by their mere existence. I follow my own business. I mind myself. I keep to myself as long as they do too. I don’t let people get to me in ways that I can’t stand to be around them. No offense.. but it lacks maturity to run away from someone just because of a little bit of (ridiculous) drama. I find Alice’s avoidance pathetic but it’s not enough to drive me away. Clearly.

So I ask you… Who’s the pussy now?

[driftwooddiaries]

Goodbye To October, Hello November

We’re a few days into November already and I just have to say it is a literal breath of cool, crisp, autumn-fresh air.

October (and parts of September) were hard…

The day I decorated my desk all spooky & seasonal at work, was the day I found out Alice, a Type 1 who I had been very close with for six years, no longer wanted to be my friend. I know it specifically, that that day it was revealed to me at the same time I decorated my desk because I knew she removed pictures of me from hers; and I had to remove hers from my desk too for the decor. I don’t plan to put our photos together back up. I was going to to show her I still care for her and want to fight for our friendship but I feel like my efforts will be wasted and coworkers might find that even more awkward/confusing.

And then Kiara… my other friend who is a Type 6, she totally obliterated our friendship over the course of a weekend when she and I were out of town together. She was mean and cruel and I had no where to go but to politely and calmly (for my safety) deal with her abuse.

Like seriously, what the fuck is giving with some of my friends lately?!

Kiara made me feel very small and alienated on our trip (which also involved a third person, Megan, who I suspect may be a Type 2). I texted her how the trip made me feel and that I wasn’t okay. I was now needing space from her. She reached out again a little over 2 weeks later and put the ball back in my court since I went silent. I responded but haven’t heard back from her now in over a week (we were supposed to get together and I told her I was over our ordeal); but I’ll wait.

October was such a bad month for me. That trip with Kiara felt worse than my friend-breakup with Alice… and because of that I did spiral out of control… there was so much loss and inner turmoil… My husband was my support system and I think I get majorly sensitive towards his care when we reach past the point of no return because it gets to a time (and fast) when I can tell my issues start to complicate things between us too. I don’t just get over things that easily and I know him being a Type 1, a frustration type and someone who doesn’t have time for feelings, wants to quickly move on to more important things. Which I don’t blame him… but when I don’t feel mentally well or emotionally safe and I’m spiraling… shit’s going to get worse.

And it did. A few weeks ago, all of this came to a head. This Type 9 me… a dormant volcano that was starting to shake and rumble… suddenly exploded!! 💥 I’m not proud of it and I’m just speaking facts but I completely became unhinged and raged in my house. I am a small, petite, very quiet, calm, and shy person…. But you will hear my voice. And you will fear my voice. Because suddenly I do become loud. I screamed ☹️ I lost my shit, things got broken and damaged in the process, I nearly ruined my work’s laptop, and I threw myself to the floor in agony. I came out of it with bruises (from myself) and a traumatized husband…

No one — God dammit—- NO ONE understands the damage and pain they caused me that wrecked my world. MY PEACE!!!! My person. And I hate that I had to get through it alone because of that.

Anyway. It’s November now. My husband and I are doing very well and we’re loving on each other again.

I think the outcome of my rage did help me move past the bullshit with Kiara (as much as it also shames me but it helped me move on).

Kiara is doing her own thing it seems.

Alice refuses to look at me or talk to me at work or over texts, so I’m done with that too.

And October can *props up the month and flicks it into oblivion* can go fuck itself.

It was the first Monday of the month and the first Monday back to work after one major holiday… you bet your sweet ass I took down my whole desk’s set-up and all the spooky decor. I now have a few blank cubicle walls with nothing but push pins in them. And it feels great. A blank state. A breath of fresh air. A clean new start. I’m ready. And I’m feeling good.

[driftwooddiaries]

So I’m not going to delete this blog/journal.

I realized it last night that maybe I just don’t have it in me anymore to know and understand the Enneagram to it’s true value. That maybe I should let all of it go. It’s sad, really.

I think the community has really lost course on what the Enneagram is all about and how it helps with others as a tool. I used it for empathy and understanding, as well as spiritually for myself.

There was no correlation stuff with other typology outside of the Enneagram when I first learned it; not to really muddy it up as badly as it is now. Frankly I just don’t understand correlations, therefore I do not give a damn about them at all. Nor tritypes/fixes.

I can’t seem to have a decent conversation about it anymore and my memory/thinking process of it all has become hazy. I can scroll past as many posts that surround bad memes, MBTI, junk and anime art (like, what does that even have to do with the types????), but at the end of the day like I said, I think people have over complicated it and lost their grasp on it’s true use/meaning.

Call me simple or dumb, but I need it to make sense, even if it means you have to explain types descriptions and triads to me as if I am 5 years old. I don’t care. That’s just how it works for me and it’s how it worked for me from the start as I built up more advanced knowledge from there.

I’d love to start over just like that but it’s hard and my apathy gets in the way. Maybe I should just stick with books.

Anyway. I’m not going to delete this blog (I’ve had it for over 4 months) but just know if my posts slow down and I don’t say anything in a while, this is because it’s part of that. It makes me question my own knowledge of it all. I just want to be better and treat others better. The best I can do for that is follow the golden rule and use proper communication 🔑. I hope I don’t fall much to my unconscious doings as a 9 and really keep myself in check when I start to narc out or avoid conflict.

[driftwooddiaries]

I’m realizing that my friend, Margarita (a Type 7), may be the only person in my life right now that I can comfortably call: Bitch.

Me: “I’m making margaritas for the pool.”

Her: “Iced?”

Me: “Blended.”

She sighs, “Noooo biitch. You want it iced.”

Me: “Nooo biiitch. Blended all the way 🙌🏻.”

🧉😎

[driftwooddiaries]

My Type 7 coworker/friend: I bet you’ve already written about me in your journal [blog], haven’t you?

Me: