Hello my… Type 9… Life-Blog-thing…
Preface: I know I said I was going to stop dwelling on this person, and stop obsessing my thoughts on them, and to stop writing about them so much [wait, why should I care about that though? This blog is mostly for journaling and it’s not really meant for a direct audience to satisfy their reading-pleasures… And journaling is healing.]… BUT Here we are again!!
It’s been 9-10 months since my 6+ year relationship (best friendship) with Alice has come to an end. I have written/posted about her a few times since then, here on Tumblr (most posts have been set to private now). This kinda saddens me when I think about it because this blog is pretty new still and I thought I would have so many more adventures/stories with Alice to write/talk about on here but unfortunately it wasn’t long after creating this blog that we ‘broke up.’ I guess I can just reflect on memories… But I’m currently in my “move on”/healing process from all of this so I don’t know if it would be constructive to romanticize the past and reflect on good ol’ memories (OHH Type 9s and your nostalgia…).
I feel like I’m going a little crazy here.
So yesterday, I show up to work as usual. Alice’s car is in the parking lot, meaning she’s already in the office. [Have I mentioned we work together?]
I walk to my desk, which forces me to move past Alice’s, and I noticed she wasn’t there. I assumed she was in the bathroom.
After making myself cozy at my desk and preparing myself for a busy morning, I get up to go fetch a drink from the break-room fridge.
I can hear small indistinct chatter coming from the break-room as I approach it’s entry-way.
Oh shit. Sitting at the first table you see upon entering the room is Alice. She’s cutting and dicing up tomatoes while another coworker fills a bowl with bean-salad ingredients across from her. (The food is being prepared for our team’s holiday potluck).
Naturally, as anyone would do, catching a glimpse of movement in the corner of your eye will cause you to turn and look at what’s moving. With myself entering the room, Alice looks up. She see’s it’s me and she immediately dips her head back down. But her eyes deceive her. She pretends to keep looking at the tomatoes she’s cutting but I know it for sure (I can see it for myself… I can feel it…), Alice is glaring at me through the roofs of her eyelids. She thinks her fluffy blonde bangs are hiding it well but they ain’t.
As I enter the room, I feel obliged to be polite and say something to the two women. I tell them, “Good morning, Ladies.”
I feel a bit awkward saying this because.. I don’t tell Alice good morning anymore. That was something we did every day for years. Since she’s developed her hatred for me, it’s only been a few times I’d say it to her with mostly good intentions. (Ugh, it was a week prior that I immaturely greeted Margarita a “good morning” in a loud, robust, obnoxious, but coy tone; right in front of Alice— as if to say, ‘Margarita is my friend’ because they were chatting and I got insecure.)
Dear Blog… A lot of things have changed/happened since I last wrote to you about Alice. Basically: Margarita and I were cubicle roommates first for over a year and six months, both of us sharing that space. - Alice and I stopped being friends - Three months after Alice and I stopped being friends, she moves her desk to a vacant spot that’s 7 feet away from me. Therefore, she can see/hear Margarita and I at all work hours - Margarita decides to move her desk to the other vacant spot, the one that shares cubicle space with Alice now (both of the women chose to move to these spots because it is dimmer/darker in this corner of the room. There are no harsh fluorescent lighting above their seats). Honestly, Margarita’s move into Alice’s cubicle bums me out - Now that Margarita is in Alice’s space, Alice has decided to befriend Margarita, after avoiding us for many months because of my fall-out. I will not lie, this has made me jealous and even feel hostility - And then quite a few weeks later, an incident happens to Margarita at work (not related to Alice at all. And Margarita is freaking out and can’t stop spiraling/chatting to me across the way). This ‘incident’ has caused me to have to move my desk per Boss’s pleas for better productivity out of me, and I comply for the sake of my sanity… - I have moved 5 spaces back away from Alice and Margarita now. I share a dim-lit cubicle with another person now and it’s nice because it’s very rare if I hear Margarita talking to Alice, not to mention my monitors have the front of the room completely blocked from my view - And now you’re up to date my dear ol’ Type 9 blog.
So anyway. Back to the break room. Alice is glaring at me. The other coworker (I’ll call her ’T’ for now), greets me with compliments on my outfit. It was really sweet of her. I felt enchanted for a brief second. You see, because of Alice and I splitting, I had this fear that the office no longer liked me. I would hope that Alice kept our drama under wraps, and I’m sure she has for the most part, but it’s blatantly obvious we have problems when she’s fucking GLARING AT ME and avoiding me anytime we cross paths. - So for T to be so kind to me even in front of Alice, it made me feel grateful and blessed, even. I’m not hated by everyone…
I don’t hang around long. That was a tense 45 seconds just to grab my fucking Sprite out of the refrigerator 🙄. I don’t need to be in there.
-Now we must talk about Enneagram Type 1s. Like, really unhealthy Type 1s hold contempt for others but like… Am I going to be hated forever? I am deeply scorned.
