Hello myā¦ Type 9ā¦ Life-Blog-thingā¦
Preface: I know I said I was going to stop dwelling on this person, and stop obsessing my thoughts on them, and to stop writing about them so much [wait, why should I care about that though? This blog is mostly for journaling and itās not really meant for a direct audience to satisfy their reading-pleasuresā¦ And journaling is healing.]ā¦ BUT Here we are again!!
Itās been 9-10 months since my 6+ year relationship (best friendship) with Alice has come to an end. I have written/posted about her a few times since then, here on Tumblr (most posts have been set to private now). This kinda saddens me when I think about it because this blog is pretty new still and I thought I would have so many more adventures/stories with Alice to write/talk about on here but unfortunately it wasnāt long after creating this blog that we ābroke up.ā I guess I can just reflect on memoriesā¦ But Iām currently in my āmove onā/healing process from all of this so I donāt know if it would be constructive to romanticize the past and reflect on good olā memories (OHH Type 9s and your nostalgiaā¦).
I feel like Iām going a little crazy here.
So yesterday, I show up to work as usual. Aliceās car is in the parking lot, meaning sheās already in the office. [Have I mentioned we work together?]
I walk to my desk, which forces me to move past Aliceās, and I noticed she wasnāt there. I assumed she was in the bathroom.
After making myself cozy at my desk and preparing myself for a busy morning, I get up to go fetch a drink from the break-room fridge.
I can hear small indistinct chatter coming from the break-room as I approach itās entry-way.Ā
Oh shit. Sitting at the first table you see upon entering the room is Alice. Sheās cutting and dicing up tomatoes while another coworker fills a bowl with bean-salad ingredients across from her. (The food is being prepared for our teamās holiday potluck).
Naturally, as anyone would do, catching a glimpse of movement in the corner of your eye will cause you to turn and look at whatās moving. With myself entering the room, Alice looks up. She seeās itās me and she immediately dips her head back down. But her eyes deceive her. She pretends to keep looking at the tomatoes sheās cutting but I know it for sure (I can see it for myselfā¦ I can feel itā¦), Alice is glaring at me through the roofs of her eyelids. She thinks her fluffy blonde bangs are hiding it well but they aināt.
As I enter the room, I feel obliged to be polite and say something to the two women. I tell them, āGood morning, Ladies.ā
I feel a bit awkward saying this because.. I donāt tell Alice good morning anymore. That was something we did every day for years. Since sheās developed her hatred for me, itās only been a few times Iād say it to her with mostly good intentions. (Ugh, it was a week prior that I immaturely greeted Margarita a āgood morningā in a loud, robust, obnoxious, but coy tone; right in front of Aliceā as if to say, āMargarita is my friendā because they were chatting and I got insecure.)
Dear Blogā¦ A lot of things have changed/happened since I last wrote to you about Alice. Basically: Margarita and I were cubicle roommates first for over a year and six months, both of us sharing that space. - Alice and I stopped being friends - Three months after Alice and I stopped being friends, she moves her desk to a vacant spot thatās 7 feet away from me. Therefore, she can see/hear Margarita and I at all work hours - Margarita decides to move her desk to the other vacant spot, the one that shares cubicle space with Alice now (both of the women chose to move to these spots because it is dimmer/darker in this corner of the room. There are no harsh fluorescent lighting above their seats). Honestly, Margaritaās move into Aliceās cubicle bums me out - Now that Margarita is in Aliceās space, Alice has decided to befriend Margarita, after avoiding us for many months because of my fall-out. I will not lie, this has made me jealous and even feel hostility - And then quite a few weeks later, an incident happens to Margarita at work (not related to Alice at all. And Margarita is freaking out and canāt stop spiraling/chatting to me across the way). This āincidentā has caused me to have to move my desk per Bossās pleas for better productivity out of me, and I comply for the sake of my sanityā¦ - I have moved 5 spaces back away from Alice and Margarita now. I share a dim-lit cubicle with another person now and itās nice because itās very rare if I hear Margarita talking to Alice, not to mention my monitors have the front of the room completely blocked from my view - And now youāre up to date my dear olā Type 9 blog.
So anyway. Back to the break room. Alice is glaring at me. The other coworker (Iāll call her āTā for now), greets me with compliments on my outfit. It was really sweet of her. I felt enchanted for a brief second. You see, because of Alice and I splitting, I had this fear that the office no longer liked me. I would hope that Alice kept our drama under wraps, and Iām sure she has for the most part, but itās blatantly obvious we have problems when sheās fucking GLARING AT ME and avoiding me anytime we cross paths. - So for T to be so kind to me even in front of Alice, it made me feel grateful and blessed, even. Iām not hated by everyoneā¦Ā
I donāt hang around long. That was a tense 45 seconds just to grab my fucking Sprite out of the refrigerator š. I donāt need to be in there.
-Now we must talk about Enneagram Type 1s. Like, really unhealthy Type 1s hold contempt for others but likeā¦ Am I going to be hated forever? I am deeply scorned.
