#entry 002

[wordsbyabnl]

Visit Original Link

[ourqueenofcups]

entry 002 | 3.01.2026

i've been attempting "awake methods" (which i say very loosely because i don't really use traditional methods for the most part, just counting and visualizing mostly and obviously intention) recently, which i never really did before. still searching for that breakthrough from that ace of swords. i'll be honest though, it's a little bit frustrating. i'm the first to admit i'm a sleepy gal but it feels like i am always falling asleep in the middle of my method. of course, intention is there, falling asleep isn't necessarily the end of the world, but it does feel like i'm messing it up. which i can admit is maybe part of the problem.

i could try using a method and see if that offers me any sort of clarity, but methods always seem so overly complicated to me. like count to 500 and on every number divisible by 7, say affirmations equal to the sum of the two previous sets. you know? like i don't want to have to know the fibonacci sequence to shift pls. and i shouldn't have to! shifting is simple, all you need is intention, blah blah whatever we've all heard it before. i guess i'm just sitting here thinking maybe i'm not visualizing hard enough or maybe i should try harder to stay awake, when none of it is actually necessary. not really. it's just frustrating :/

[my-unaddressed-letters]

I have read my first entry once again. I pondered upon it. How preposterous of a notion for me to have even a minuscule of affection towards you! I truly am easily swayed. Yes. How horrible indeed!

[edyntide]

Entry 002

Artificial Leviathan. What an atrocity. The documents go into quite the detail on how they are made and most of them make me sick.

It's true, I do not feel about Leviathans as strongly as I used to, but the thought of hunting them like simple animals is revolting. And that's only the beginning.

I have been slow in parsing out the reports. Some are too graphic and I am able to read them only in small portions before needing to take a break, to go breathe the salt filled air out on the deck. I thought growing up surrounded by the darkness of the Undersea would prepare me. But for all the brutality of that world, it is not very complicated.

Kill or be killed. Eat or be eaten. Dark waters are dangerous and you should not go in them alone. Or at all, when you're but a child. Don't get too close to the warmth of the vents lest you get burned. Listen to your parents, to your elders and you will be alright.

This brutality is simple, it is nature. These reports, however...

It's a very human cruelty. Or, well. A humanoid one. A cruelty of the one who comprehends the pain of others and yet chooses to deal it anyway. The purpose of it does not really matter to it's victims.

The Navy, the Elders. They're really are the same.

I will be compiling everything I learn from this into a report of my own once I get my hands on more invisible ink. It will not be a pleasant task.

[roselocke]

Route 19.

    It was pretty late by the time we got done talking to Bianca, so I’ll be officially leaving on my pokémon journey tomorrow. But before I went home, I asked Bianca for a huge favor — for her to teach me how to catch a pokémon.

    The idea of throwing a pokéball is still a bit knee-jerking after so many years of thinking that is wrong, but I’m gonna have to get over it if I’m going to get anywhere on my journey. Thankfully, Bianca was super patient and understanding and didn’t mind teaching me the basics. After she caught a Patrat with her Lillipup’s help, it was finally my turn to give it a shot. When I hopped into the tall grass on my own, the first pokémon I ran into was a sleepy-looking Purrloin.

    Clover was awesome, wrapping her vines around it so it couldn’t escape or fight back. I was a nervous wreck when I threw that first pokéball but I still managed to hit it! 

Route 19 Capture!

    Dusk turned out to be a big softie. He’s constantly purring and begging for attention, rubbing up against mom’s legs and bodily throwing himself belly-up in front of me so I’ll give him pets. When he’s not being needy, he tends to often doze off. I found him curled up on my bed when I decided to turn in for the night. What a cutie!

    I’m not sure I’ll be able to sleep tonight. My stomach’s doing flipflops just thinking about journeying off on my own. Hopefully, everything will turn out okay.

[violet-musings]

On Intimacy

Nobody wants me to get it on more than my therapist.

I’m dead serious. She asks me about my tinder and bumble usage every time I visit, and always seems disappointed when I tell her the truth- I did do a little hyper-swiping in a moment of hormonal weakness this week, but for the most part I stay off of the apps. I can never tell her why, though. I literally can’t, because I’m not sure why myself.

I tell myself sometimes that it’s because I’m busy. I have too much going on with school and clubs and my soon to be business to even think about dating. Sometimes my excuse is inconvenience- who wants to form a connection with someone 20 miles away when there could be someone just 1 or 2- who you haven’t found yet? When I’m really deep in meta cognitive mode, I tell myself that it’s because my body dysmorphia and anxiety that refuse to let a complete stranger judge my fuckability. But I think it might just be the depression.

I have desires, sexual and romantic. I just lack the motivation to act on them. I’ve only ever been in one relationship before- in high school- and I stayed in it for 6 months even after I realized I didn’t really like the guy because I wanted to still have a Relationship. For me then it was like checking off a box. To be honest, that might be another excuse- I don’t want to settle just to have a Relationship with someone I don’t love, but I also don’t think anyone will really love me like that. That part of myself has been closed off, like an amputated limb, and sometimes I can still feel the echoes.

-Violet

[newlyshinypokemon]

[gabriellwritesugly-blog]

entry 002

January 7, 2016 11:00 PM I'm on break right now. And I'm lying down in the bed of my truck. I'm not going to lie, the last entry didn't have any substance to it. I kind of deterred from the topic, and went into my usual sporadic, nonsensical sentence fragments. So I'm going to try differently this time. Today I met up with Nick. He's a person I consider one of my closest friends. And the reason that is, is because we're both trying so hard to BECOME something. We both want to BE someone of value. We feel like it is "us," and individuals respectively, against the rest of the world. We're both so angry. We're so sad. We're both so empty. Today the depression caught up to me. I felt heavy again; the heaviest I've felt in a while. My anxiety peaked. I was hyperventilating behind those ice pans. And I just wanted to let someone know. I just wanted someone to empathize with me. And it was then I realized something. As close friends as Nick and I both are, I don't think he could be that person.