On Intimacy
Nobody wants me to get it on more than my therapist.
I’m dead serious. She asks me about my tinder and bumble usage every time I visit, and always seems disappointed when I tell her the truth- I did do a little hyper-swiping in a moment of hormonal weakness this week, but for the most part I stay off of the apps. I can never tell her why, though. I literally can’t, because I’m not sure why myself.
I tell myself sometimes that it’s because I’m busy. I have too much going on with school and clubs and my soon to be business to even think about dating. Sometimes my excuse is inconvenience- who wants to form a connection with someone 20 miles away when there could be someone just 1 or 2- who you haven’t found yet? When I’m really deep in meta cognitive mode, I tell myself that it’s because my body dysmorphia and anxiety that refuse to let a complete stranger judge my fuckability. But I think it might just be the depression.
I have desires, sexual and romantic. I just lack the motivation to act on them. I’ve only ever been in one relationship before- in high school- and I stayed in it for 6 months even after I realized I didn’t really like the guy because I wanted to still have a Relationship. For me then it was like checking off a box. To be honest, that might be another excuse- I don’t want to settle just to have a Relationship with someone I don’t love, but I also don’t think anyone will really love me like that. That part of myself has been closed off, like an amputated limb, and sometimes I can still feel the echoes.
-Violet