In order to gain something, you first need to loose something, and the phrase has never carried more truth, than when I look at Gillion Tidestrider. Cause for all the love and kindness Gillion always carried, a heart bigger than the world itself, there was also something else. Something that could be very easily forgotten on daily basis, something dark inside him, cruel, a bloodlust drilled into him since earliest years. And anytime it would manifest, it became prominent how shocking these outbursts could be, even to those closest to him. And the more time it happened, Gill would also start noticing, that there are parts of him that make his friends afraid of him.
Gillion decided that he has to lose this part of himself. It happened steadily, culminating in a grand moment inside of Luxbris Pearl, and it felt good to know that maybe he can change himself in this way. That maybe he can protect without feeling like a weapon in someone else's hands, like a loose canon ready to destroy everything around him. But it wasn't all that simple. There's a gap between knowing all these flaws, and doing something, anything about it.
Because something else was lost to Gill that day. His confindence in whether he's been doing the right things his entire life. His confindence in whether he's been useful at all, or just a hindrance. And if he haven't been helping anyone at all, then what's the point of having him? What's the point of him being there? But he wanted to be here so bad. Cause he still loved, loved so much, always loved and loved and loved, and nothing hurt more than knowing that he's a liability, an obstacle in his loved ones' journey. And when he saw Chip hiding Edyn's situation from him, when he saw through Chip's own eyes all the times he let them all down, or dragged them into needless danger, his only response was anger. And he hated it. Cause he thought he could be better. He hated it cause the more he thought about it, he understood why they'd want this hidden for him.
And so he had to lose his pride. All the ways he previously had to distiguish right from wrong gone, swept away from beneath his feet, leaving him prone on the ground with no way to get up. Edyn leaving him this time felt like his own fault in a way too. Maybe if he'd been better, she'd still be here. But still, he couldn't distinguish what made him into the person with so many parts he doesn't like.
With the Black Sea, the confusion began to form into understanding. The knowledge that from the very start all the ugly parts of him have become his core due to a mistake in how he's been raised, everything he's ever done or thought he was meant for was a lie and now he had to somehow let go of almost everything he still believed about his upbringing. His purpose, his ideals, his understanding of the world around him, everything needed to be left behind, until Gillion started dreading that there is nothing left to him at all. That there is no Gillion Tidestrider anymore, just a stranger with a fake smile, a persona he isn't sure he wants to be anymore. But if not Gillion Tidestrider then who? Who will be left, once all these artficially put, ingrained parts of him start flaking off? Maybe it would look the same as this headless statue they saw in EP 111.
And that is weirdly comforting. Cause even with all the things he lost, Gillion knows exactly what he wants to be. A good Captain. A good friend. Someone who can protect people he loves. A person who is there for others when he is needed. Someone useful, and most importantly, someone he can be finally proud of being, yet again. Gillion Has been losing a lot. But with everything you lose, you gotta gain something. And Gillion Has been unknowingly gaining things in the span of his journey. Gaining things himself, and gaining in the eyes of his friends. And even though Gill seems to be more lost than he's ever been right now, I know he'll find all the lost parts, and put them back together. Cause just like this statue, even though headless, with so many things missing, it's still standing. And it is meant to bring hope. And so will Gillion, no matter how many parts he may loose along the way. He will keep getting up. Here he is, still standing.
