#erratic rambles

[erraticrabid]

CW: spoilers (?) || TW: CSA, misogyny, sexual abuse, personal and gender-based trauma

i saw a post on X that said something like, “hc’ing Jax as transmasc is rooted in transmisogyny” because “she’s obviously transfem.” it’s seared in my mind. now, transfem people and trans women face transmisogyny every damn day. it’s the degrading caricatures of transfem people on social media. sneering comments calling a trans woman a “man in a dress.” the latest round of bathroom-related bills. rampant systemic violence and institutional discrimination. the infernal curse of fetishization and hyper-visibility

…but thinking “the fictional character who has, so far, only been referred to as male in canon is transmasc” ≠ spewing sexist vitriol and abuse against trans women and trans fem people. assuming that “this fictional character who has problems accepting his body and issues with toxic masculinity is transmasc”≠ demeaning, ignoring the lived experiences of trans women and transfem people. yes, the showrunner is a trans woman and she said she relates to Jax the most, but Jax does not have to be a woman for her to relate to him.

a headcanon is not an indictment of character. it is not a representation of morality. it is but one personal interpretation in a sea of interpretations about a piece of art. the beauty of headcanon comes from its diversion from the source material; the diversity in the messages people glean from it, the richness of the conversations it inspires. no matter how widely adopted a headcanon is, it is not beyond respectful disagreement or challenge. hell, headcanons are under no obligation to be plausible. that’s part of the fun.

i am an androgynous trans man who experiments with fem presentation, and i have suffered CSA because of my gender. i headcanon Jax as transmasc and a victim of sexual abuse by someone he considered family or had a close relationship with. my background informs my headcanon. i do not see Jax as transmasc because i harbor hate in my heart for trans fem individuals and trans women. i will never speak ill of transfem people or trans women because of who they are. i see Jax as transmasc because it’s a thought that resonates with me. i’m not saying that’s the correct or only way to see him. that’s just what i think about this specific character. i do not need my thoughts to be validated and proven right beyond a shadow of a doubt; i’m just sharing them.

Jax is terrified of being a real person, literally and in the sense that he refuses to be genuine and abhors expressing his feelings. he breaks gangle’s mask repeatedly, but refuses to take off his. he is a ragebaiting, misogynistic asshole who puts on a show of being “the funny one” to protect himself and disassociate from how fucked up the situation is. experiencing past abuse and/or being marginalized does not excuse his actions in any way.

all that to say this is nothing more than me rambling and sharing my thoughts. nobody is required to share or endorse my reading. i made a tumblr just to post about this because attempting to speak my mind on X was daunting. and i’m so excited to see how these characters’ stories conclude on Juneteenth.*

*EVERYBODY IN THAT CIRCUS BLACK /j

[erraticrabid]

Zooble is trans and non-binary. Him making fun of Jax in the maid dress with “I thought you’d like this” would be cruel if he knew Jax was dysphoric about it, and we sure as hell know Zooble understands how painful dysphoria is.

No, no…triggering that wasn’t their agenda. The point was to mock and humiliate Jax, to show him how he makes Gangle and Ragatha feel daily. It was to give him a taste of his own medicine. Jax’s worst fear is the complete loss of control: control over his presentation, his body, his emotions, himself. He wears his “goofy asshole” persona as armor because it reminds him that he has some degree of agency, at least until Caine brutally shatters that illusion. Bullying and humiliating women who won’t stand up to him makes him feel in control. It makes him feel more masculine and he relishes that. So he disassociates from reality, puts on a mask and pretends he’s not emotionally affected by the horrors of digital seclusion. He directs all his dissatisfaction and anger outward at people who won’t fight back. And he knows it’s fucked up, that it’s not sustainable, that it’s tiring to constantly put on a show. That’s why abstraction is so alluring. It offers him a chance to be free of this miserable existence, because he’s spent too much time cultivating this persona to just let it go and live.

“I’m just a misunderstood little chicken fetus in an egg that needs to be cracked open”

I think he was once a fragile little thing…I think he was an egg, but after coming out as male, he completely distanced himself from feminine interests and presentation. He views the pain he’s experienced as a result of vulnerability and addresses it by overcompensating. Traces of his past linger in his childhood bedroom. It comforts him and it angers him that it comforts him, because he fights so hard to be seen as a man and conform to his narrow idea of masculinity. He’s so insecure that being true to himself threatens his manliness. Tragically, Jax broke out of his shell only to gnaw at the bars of a self-imposed cage.

[erraticrabid]

***TADC EP9 SPOILERS***

—

*I will be using he/him pronouns for Jax, because that is how Pomni refers to L____ and how other characters refer to Jax in canon. Also, pronouns are not equal to gender. People can and do use he/him and she/her pronouns without having binary gender identities, simply because that is what (s)he is most comfortable with.

In Ribbit, Jax saw a sweet, kind-hearted and resilient yet vulnerable person. Someone in need of community and friendship (especially being ex-Mo). Someone who really could—and wanted to—understand him.* She was open and honest in the hopes that he would do the same, and he delivered.

And what does she do in return? They give Jax their bow. A literal piece of themselves. As if to say without saying, “I love you,”

“And you’re safe with me.”

But then Kaufmo knocks on the door and Jax proceeds to be a D1 crashout, because we can’t have nice things. He actively isolates her from the rest of the group, constantly excludes her, goes out of his way to make them feel unloved and unwanted.

And it works! Jax’s bullying pushes Ribbit to the point of abstraction.

It’s funny that Jax says people aren’t pleasant to be around before they abstract because his unpleasantness caused Ribbit (and to a lesser extent, Kaufmo) to break down. Ribbit was trying her best to get through to him and all he did was make them feel worse. Kaufmo needed validation or at least someone to listen to him instead of berating him, and Jax couldn’t even do that.

Jax doesn’t consider that he should change his actions. Instead, he switches to targeting and bullying Gangle upon her arrival, to Ragatha and Kaufmo’s dismay. He becomes more guarded. He gets worse, chastising himself for the one and only time he got too comfortable and in an awful, self-fulfilling prophecy, irreversibly hurt the person he loved and continues to hurt the people he cares about.

But when Jax is at his most comfortable, it’s in feminine gender presentation. Ribbit’s bow on his ears, the cute maid outfit. It’s in those moments that we see the real Jax; Jax without the mask.

One of the reasons Jax envies Zooble is that Zooble is happy with themself. They’re not putting on a mask. They’re comfortable with identifying as openly queer, comfortable talking about their emotions, more comfortable with their body than Jax is with his. Things Jax would never admit he wants.

And Jax doesn’t have to! Because the only person who really finds out his trauma is Pomni, and then Jax mentally breaks down and is reduced to a former shell of who he was.

I thought he was suicidal and that was the big secret.

- His mom was abusive and was exhibiting enmeshment behaviors after his dad left.

- He thought that telling her would get her off his back, but she didn’t take (my guess: his depression) seriously.

-She suddenly hugs him.

- He pushed his mom to the ground, hard as hell. She didn’t get up. He ran away from home and never came back.

- He’s reckless, self-sabotages, and pushes everyone that might love him away.

- In the circus, he’s been on the edge of abstraction for so long. I don’t think it’s a stretch to assume that he suffered with suicidal ideation before and after running away in real life. Leaving your mom, regardless of how she’s treated you, isn’t an easy decision to make.

Enmeshed parents don’t react to their child’s pain with empathy, but betrayal. He thought being honest would force her to see him for who he is, but she instead punished his vulnerability. So Jax learns to live on the streets and never tries genuine vulnerability again, preemptively being cruel before people can even reject him. He pushes Ribbit into isolation and despair because she was the one person who, unlike his mom, DID see him. And again, like my earlier post: Jax fears being perceived as a real person.

…I’m just disappointed. At the last minute, Jax tearfully says that he doesn’t want to go. There’s an opportunity for redemption. But it’s too late, and he’s just gone.

And then the circus becomes less gloomy, colors come back, everything’s better (basically) after Jax passes on.

Caine, the non-human…who tortured them, constantly lied, caused every abstraction, is the reason they’re in the circus, condemned these humans to digital eternity..is redeemed after he apologetically gives the humans control and informs them of their real-life selves.

And that doesn’t sit right with me at all.

Jax didn’t have the power to grant himself a second chance. CAINE DID. And then Caine takes Jax’s empty seat, not because he deserved it more than Jax (who does have the capacity to improve as shown by him irl), but because he has the power to do that.

Literally the more I think about it the more annoyed I get. I’m so serious.