#error 404 headcanon

[fandom-junk-drawer]

The Witcher Headcanon (Modern Au) - Error 404 Brain Not Found: Bonus Scene - Part 24

"Your dress is here"

Yennefer read the text message from Geralt and immediately started tapping out a reply, "Send me a picture, please"

The dress was for her friend's upcoming wedding. She had been assured that it was not going to be one of those hideous bridesmaid's dresses that everyone usually picked. Most of them were either lackluster, or just plain outrageous.

Hopefully her friend kept her word. She would find out any minute now.

What the h*ll was taking Geralt so long to send the picture?

She was just about to text Geralt and tell him to hurry the f**k up, when her phone pinged.

"F***ing finally!", she muttered as she opened the message. Her hand flew to her mouth when she saw the photo.

There was Jaskier, sitting at her bedroom window, like a classical painting of a dramatically posed forlorn maiden. Or a woman on the cover of an 80's mass market paperback romance novel.

He was wearing her bridesmaid's dress.

He looked good in the light yellow chiffon...

And the dress was gorgeous, so win-win.

Okay, she was saving that one.

Yennefer texted, "You could have at least done his hair and makeup!" She chuckled when moments later, she received a photo of Jaskier with badly applied lipstick.

That picture definitely had blackmail potential!

"That shade of red is too dark. Now put my dress in the closet and get out of my room."

"And tell Jaskier not to touch my stuff!"

Geralt and Jaskier carefully put the dress on a clothes hanger and hung it in the closet. It was then that Jaskier spied a pair of Yennefer's yoga pants. He grabbed them, and started pulling them on.

"Take those off," Geralt warned.

"Oh, hush--holy sh*t look how good my a** looks in these!" Jaskier exclaimed as he turned and looked at his backside in the full length mirror on the wall.

Geralt rumbled nervously, "Put those back and let's go already! She literally just said for you not to f**k with her stuff!"

Jaskier grinned as a thought occured to him, and he stripped the pants off and held them out to Geralt.

"I bet your a** would look good in these too!"

"No."

"Come on, haven't you ever thought about wearing them, even once?"

"No."

"Come on, Geralt. You know you've got the legs and a** to pull these off! Aren't you even a little bit curious about how you'd look?"

Ok, maybe he was just a little curious. Yennefer would wear those things around the house, claiming they were super comfortable. And now that he thought about it, they were basically just a stretchy version of the trousers he usually wore, right? But then again, they were Yennefer's yoga pants, and this could all go so terribly wrong... Best to err on the side of caution and not wake up dead.

"Yennefer said for you not to touch her stuff.", Geralt replied.

"But she didn't say anything about you not touching her stuff."

Geralt hesitated as his brain whispered: he's got a point, you know.

"But..."

"Your butt. In these!" Jaskier countered, giving the yoga pants an encouraging shake. Geralt looked at Jaskier, who was all smiles and excitement, and his last functioning braincell put up an Out to Lunch sign and f**ked off.

"Gimmie those!"

Geralt: *struggling to pull up the yoga pants*

Jaskier: "Lose the undies"

Geralt: *uncomfortable "hmm"*

Jaskier: "They're adding extra bulk, and you've already got enough of your own."

Geralt: Hm!

Geralt grumbled, but decided to follow the suggestion. No sense in accidentally ripping Yennefer's pants and having to explain what happened. It was several more minutes of struggle, with Jaskier alternately laughing, and offering unhelpful advice and comments, but Geralt finally managed to squeeze himself into the gray stretchy pants.

He looked at himself in the mirror.

"I told you," Jaskier laughed, "your a** looks great!"

Geralt regarded himself in the mirror. The pants were so very, very form-fitting. The fabric was very thin and stretchy, and Geralt realised, with growing dismay, that you could just about see a nice outline of everything. He felt so d*mn exposed.

But they were very comfortable...

Hmmm.

10/10 for ease of movement, but 0/10 for the feeling of being bucka** nekkid.

"Come on, give us a strut," Jaskier said, demonstrating as he did a ridiculous little walk by the mirror, wearing Yennefer's black yoga pants.

Geralt did a tentative strut, following Jaskier around the room. He felt ridiculous at first, but then decided f**k it, let's have a little fun, and let loose. He almost threw his back out twerking, but it was worth it to see Jaskier keeling over with breathless laughter.

A dance competition ensued, but there was no clear winner because neither of them could stop laughing long enough to focus on making up any kind of scoring system.

Doped up on confidence and serotonin, Geralt only hesitated a little when Jaskier said "Let's go give the neighborhood and eyeful!"

Geralt: Hm...(Hesitant)

Jaskier: Come on, it'll be fun!"

Geralt: Hmm

Jaskier: Just once around the block! Come on, Geralt! You go jogging all the time in those tiny 80's gym shorts. They are so short, I don't know how you aren't falling out of a leg with every step! At least these have full coverage, and actual legs!

Geralt: I don't know... What if there are people out there and they see me?

Jaskier: Oh, no! Not people! Gods forbid they see you jogging in athletic wear that has an inseam of more than 2.5 inches!

Geralt glowered, but gave in. Jaskier was right. The vintage shorts he usually wore to jog in actually did have an inseam of only 2.5 inches, and he'd never cared that other people were out and about when he went on his runs.

Geralt: ...

The next thing Geralt knows, he and Jaskier are jogging around the block in their respective borrowed yoga pants. Geralt is starting to relax, the apprehension wearing off as he focuses on jogging.

He doesn't even care anymore that he isn't wearing a shirt. The woman jogging in the opposite direction didn't appear to mind either, judging from the appreciative glance she throws him as she passes.

Jaskier, jogging along beside him, spots the approaching woman, and sees a perfect opportunity. He slows down to get behind Geralt to give the woman room to pass, and quickly takes out his phone. He watched the woman's eyes surreptitiously follow the bouncing balls as she jogged past Geralt, then sneak a quick peak at the rear view.

He caught her eye and gave her a cheeky wink.

Yennefer was just on her way back to the Conclave meeting after stepping out to get herself a quick drink, when her phone pinged. It was a message from Jaskier. She sighed, wondering what a**hattery he was going to inform her of now.

She stopped dead in her tracks.

Yennefer stared at the photo.

It was Geralt, or more specifically, his backside, and he was wearing a pair gray yoga pants.

It took her a second to realized that those were her gray yoga pants he was wearing.

They were stretched so tight, they looked like they had been painted on. She could see every finely sculpture curve.

Yennefer was impressed with how well they held up under the strain of containing that absolute unit of an a**, and those thighs... She couldn't even be mad.

She teased Geralt about it when she got home, showing him the picture and complimenting him on his assets.

She even changed Geralt's caller ID image on her phone to the photo of him in her yoga pants.

But it wasn't even the entire picture. It had been strategically cropped. Now, anytime he called her, what popped up was the picture of just his a** in those gray yoga pants.

[fandom-junk-drawer]

The Witcher Headcanon (Modern Au) - Error 404 Brain Not Found: Bonus Scene - Part 23

Jaskier had glanced up at the eave of the garden shed, and there it was.

F**k me running, that's huge! Good gods, look at the size of it! I've got to get Geralt!

Geralt is minding his own business, hiding from Yennefer hanging out in Van Roach, when Jaskier bursts in. The bard is pulling at his arm and excitedly demanding that Geralt come see this huge a** hornet nest.

It's seriously huge!

Really big!

Bigger than Yennefer's a**!

Geralt: *raises one eyebrow*

Yeah, I know! It's hard to imagine that there can be anything bigger than her a**!

Just come look at it!

Geralt sighs and gives in, allowing himself to be pulled out of his Mobile Man Cave. He's dragged to the garden shed, and there, on the eave, near the point of the roof, is indeed the biggest d*mn hornet nest he's ever seen.

The Urge made the primitive part of his brain itch like a poison ivy rash. "We should, uh, get rid of that nest. Someone could get stung." Geralt said slowly and carefully, trying to keep the excitement out of his voice.

"Yeah..." Jaskier said just as carefully, "Wouldn't want anyone to get stung. Especially Wee Roach. We're going to have to get rid of it."

Geralt was silent for a minute as he looked up at the nest, then said, his voice trembling only slightly, "How should we, uh, get rid of it?"

"Burning it would be great fun-- I mean -- great. It would be great.

"Yennefer said no fire after we burnt that big patch of grass last week getting rid of that ant hill." Geralt said.

They both looked at the round, bald patch in the yard where the grass still hadn't grown back yet.

"Blow it up. We should definitely blow it up." Jaskier replied, voice humming like a bowstring.

"Yeah, " Geralt agreed, trying to sound nonchalant, "Wouldn't want to end up setting the grass on fire, or anything."

They were both still, staring at each other mutely for almost a full minute, then Jaskier blurted "I'm getting the M80's!", and skedaddled into the house.

The Urge was demanding to be scratched, and they were going to scratch the h*ll out of it!

Several moments (and one close call with Yennefer) later, and Jaskier was helping Geralt tie an M80 to a long pole. They kept looking nervously over their shoulders every few seconds, jumping at every sound like a couple of convicts trying to coordinate a prison break

The firecracker was successfully attached to the pole and everything was ready.

A whispered argument (and a tug of war) ensued when Geralt tried to walk off with the pole.

"I want to do it!"

"I found the nest, I should get to blow it up!"

"I dont' care if 'yOu'Re a WiTcHeR aNd hAvE fAsTeR rEfLeXeS' !"

"I know how to handle a pole!"

"That was a vague 'Hmmm.' What are you implying, Geralt?"

"Now is not the time for jokes!"

"I'm NOT going to get stung-!"

Jaskier gave a sharp tug, trying to wrest the pole from Geralt's hands, and the end of it tapped the hornet nest. Both men froze as hornets buzzed agitatedly around the nest. After a few moments, the insects settled down and went back about their business.

Geralt glared at Jaskier.

Jaskier raised his middle finger.

A hornet, seemingly offended by the obscene gesture, swooped down.

Jaskier yelped in lowercase and fumbled the pole as the angry little f**ker stung him on the palm of his right hand, which just so happened to be the hand he was using to flip the bird with.

Geralt used Igni to light the fuse on the firecracker, and quickly shoved the ignited explosive into the nest. There was a loud crack!, and the nest blew apart. Chunks of paper, dead hornet bits, live hornets, and charred larvae rained down.

The few surviving hornets were now very, very angry, and went on the attack, blindly stinging anything they could find. Geralt was hit three times on the back before he could drop the stick and throw up Quen.

The hornets didn't look like they were going to give up anytime soon, so Geralt grabbed Jaskier and they fled to the house.

Yennefer was just getting off the couch to go see what the loud popping sound had been, when Jaskier burst into the living room, clutching his forearm and wailing about having been stung by a 'big a** motherf***ing hornet.'

Geralt had waved off Yennefer's help for his hornet stings. They were only hurting a little now, and the itching was mild. His body was already fighting off the venom and healing the damage.

Jaskier was not so lucky. While blowing up a hornet nest had scratched The Itch in his brain, it did nothing to scratch the itch from being stung.

48 hours later, Geralt was perfectly fine, the three sting marks on his back looked no worse than mosquito bites, and they didn't even itch anymore.

But for Jaskier, things had only gotten worse.

He'd woken up that morning, convinced that he was having a terrible allergic reaction and was going to die.

He'd run, screaming, into Yennefer's bedroom and jumped into her bed to start rather ungently shaking her awake.

"Yen, Yen wake up! Wake the f**k up!!!"

"What the h*ll, you f***ing plum!"

"Look at my f***ing hand!" *Shoves hand in her face* "I'm allergic to hornets! The swelling's gone up to my d*mn elbow! It's going to go up to my throat and I'm going to die!"

Not only was his hand swollen up like a blown up latex glove, but his whole forearm was as well.

"Get your ballooned up tw*t ticklers out of my face!"

"Look at my--!"

"You aren't allergic! It's just a generalized reaction! It's normal, for chrissake!"

"It's normal for it to look like a f***ing Mickey Mouse hand?" Jaskier asked sarcastically.

Yennefer burst out laughing. She couldn't help it. The comparison was just too perfect. It was exactly what his hand and arm looked like.

"Yes, you n*b jockey!", she said, her expression softening as she reached over to play soothingly with the hair at the nape of his neck. "You're going to be fine, I promise." She leaned over and kissed his cheek. "Now get the f**k out of my bed!"

Fears assuaged, Jaskier went downstairs to get some breakfast, and spent the next few days terrorizing Geralt with his Mickey Mouse hand after he found out that the way it looked and felt gave the Witcher the Ick when it touched him.

[fandom-junk-drawer]

The Witcher Headcanon (Modern Au) - Error 404 Brain Not Found: Bonus Scene - Part 22

"You. You streaked through the Temple of Melitele?" Jaskier asked in disbelief as he steered his character away from an obstacle on the race track.

Geralt nodded.

Jaskier and Lambert guffawed and promptly crashed.

They both wailed in disappoinment as Yennefer's go cart zoomed past them.

Geralt: You don't believe me?

Jaskier: Seems a little sus to me. Like you would have the balls to run naked in the Temple and risk the Priestess' wrath!"

Geralt: I do, and I did. In broad daylight. Do you have the balls to streak in broad daylight?

Jaskier: I'll show you balls! *already taking off clothes*

Geralt: *stands and starts stripping*

Yennefer: :O

Lambert: You two better not be gonna f**k right in front of us!"

Yennefer: "Where are you going????"

Geralt and Jaskier ignored her question as they made for the font door.

"You're not--don't you dare go outside like tha--!"

Yennefer watched helplessly as her two bucka** naked friends disappeared out the front door and ran off.

By the time she reached the door, all she saw was a glimpse of a**cheeks and dangly bits bouncing through the front yard.

Oh, gods, this was it. They were both going to show up on an internet search with a blue dot! Welp, time to start packing!

Jaskier is giggling as he and Geralt run across the font yard. This is so much fun! The thrill of doing something that could get you into trouble it you got caught!

Ow! What the h*ll did I just step on?

I think I just bruised my heel!

F**K, my toe!

Ew, this driveway is really hard!

Geralt, how are you just running on the concrete barefoot like that?? Doesn't it hurt?

Why did I have to have such a big front yard?

Melitele's tits, Geralt, check out my d*ck!

Jaskier is running along, and it's just sort of... spinning in front of him. Like a propeller. They look like a pair of f***ing airplanes!

He can't help it, he has to make airplane noises now!

Geralt grabs him and quickly hauls him to the front door. Time to get back inside!

The fun turned to panic when they discovered the front door was locked.

Geralt tapped on the window rapidly, while Jaskier nervously kept a lookout.

He waved and gestured frantically at Yennefer and Lambert, who were still in the living room, playing games. Lambert straight up just gave him the finger, then went back to playing.

Geralt pushed Jaskier to the window so he could make puppy eyes at Yennefer.

It worked! She was getting up!

Yennefer walked over to the window, smiled, then drew the curtains. Lambert howled with laughter when Yennefer just casually closed the curtains. F**k, that had been so perfectly executed!

He'd seen the hope light up their desperate faces as she'd walked over. And then, the killing stroke! Bam!

The witch was more fun than he'd given her credit for!

Geralt and Jaskier quickly retreated to the relative safety of the backyard. They rushed straight to the back door, only to find it locked as well.

"They locked us out! " Jaskier squealed in lowercase.

"Mother f***ing Lambert!", Geralt growled. "I told you this was a bad idea!"

"What?!" Jaskier squawked, offended, "Are, are you blaming me for this?"

"Yes! It was all your idea! 'DeR, LeT mE sHoW eVeRyOnE mY bAllS !"

"aH dOoN't SoUnD LiKe ThAt!"

Jaskier jumped at Geralt.

Geralt danced off the porch, twisting out of the way as Jaskier tried to grab him. He pulled his hand back and slapped Jaskier's a**cheek as he stumbled past.

Jaskier's hands flew to his a** as he yelped, "Ow! You-you b**tart!" He spun to the side as Geralt swatted at him, trying to get the other cheek, and kicked him in the shin.

"Ow, you little f**ker!"

Jaskier's smug laugh turned into a little shriek as Geralt lunged at him.

The neighbor, one elderly Mrs. Biddlecombe, became aware of a quiet ruckus as she stood at her kitchen sink, washing up a few dishes. She took a quick look out of the window at the sink...

Goodness! Mrs. Yennefer's men were fighting outside!

And oh, my, they were in the nuddy!

*Puts on glasses*

Yes, they were very, very naked! Good gracious, they were rolling in the grass. Arms and legs and...bits were going in every direction!

Someone should really do something!

Yes.

Someone should stop them before one of them got hurt.

Look at all that gleaming skin and heaving muscle!

Goodness, someone should really do something.

Maybe offer them sunscreen so they don't get sunburned...

Mrs. Biddlecombe nearly ascended into heaven when the big, burly (and did she mention naked?) Witcher sat on the pretty, well-muscled bard (who, did she mention was also very naked?), and pinned his hands above his head with one massive hand.

Jaskier kneed Geralt in the a** and managed to pitch him off with a mighty heave. But Geralt was not about to let him get away. He grabbed Jaskier around the waist and yanked him back. Jaskier began doing a weird, repetitive lunging motion, trying to break Geralt's grip...

Mrs. Biddlecombe removed her glasses, cleaned them on her apron, then put them back on.

Melitele, preserve me!

Yennefer and Lambert were on the couch giggling about locking Geralt and Jaskier out, when Yennefer's phone rang.

"Yes? Hello, Mrs. Biddlecombe--! I--! They're in the backyard?" *Stifled snort*

"In the nuddy, you say?" *Smothered giggle*

"And they're fighting--! Not fighting? They're--! Oh. OH!"

Lambert saw the amusement bleed out of Yennefer's face as she stood up in shock. She rushed to the kitchen window and looked out to see them in the middle of the back yard, in front of the gods and everybody, looking like two dogs hate f***ing.

"Yes, Mrs. Biddlecome, I'll handle it immediately! Yes, ma'am, you go ahead and have a lie-down. Yes. Yes, he does have a very nice bum."

Yennefer raced outside, turned the garden faucet on, and proceeded to spray Geralt and Jaskier with the hose. Mrs. Biddlecombe got a nice encore performance as Jaskier and Geralt rolled and slipped in the grass, taken by surprise by the spray.

They were marched to the back porch, muddy and speckled with grass, and made to stand on the steps while Yennefer hosed them off.

The show ended with a lovely view of two sets of glistening a**cheeks bouncing inside.

[fandom-junk-drawer]

The Witcher Headcanon (Modern Au) - Error 404 Brain Not Found: Bonus Scene - Part 21

Jaskier hadn't meant to kick Geralt, but they had started playing around while cleaning out Van Roach, and things had gotten carried away. Jaskier had accidentally tagged Geralt in the danglers.

Geralt had grunted, and fixed Jaskier with a sharp glare.

"Sorry!" Jaskier apologized, fluttering around him, "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine" Geralt had sniffed, straightening up as if nothing had happened.

"That didn't hurt you?"

*derisive snort* "Not really."

"But I kicked you pretty hard! You should be doubled over, or your eyes should at least be watering a little!"

"I'm a Witcher. We have a higher pain tolerance."

"So you could get kicked in the klackers and just keep going?"

"Hm."

"How many times?"

"What?" Geralt asked, confused by the question.

"How many times do you think you could get kicked in the balls before you couldn't get back up?"

"I don't know."

"Wanna find out?"

Geralt should have just told Jaskier to shut up, and gone about his business. It was a stupid question, and his sense of self-preservation was pointing frantically at the giant warning sign reading 'DANGER! Bad Idea!'.

But the intrusive thoughts whispered, 'That's a really good question. How many times do you think it would take?'

"Sure," Geralt said, giving in to his own curiosity, "Why the h*ll not?"

Geralt stood by the van and braced himself. He grunted as Jaskier's foot hit him dead center in the sack. It hurt, but it wasn't anything he couldn't shake off. The pain quickly faded to a bad memory. That was one. He snorted at Jaskier, "Your Grannie kicks harder!"

The second kick had a little more force behind it, but to Jaskier's astonishment, Geralt remained on his feet.

Jaskier put a little more effort into the third kick. And maybe just a wee bit of revenge for The Mountain Divorce.

"That felt a little personal," Geralt remarked, after taking a minute to breathe and walk around.

"I don't know what you mean." Jaskier retorted innocently.

"That's okay, I barely felt anything, but it's not your fault," Geralt said mildly, "You're just a human."

"oHh-hOho, let's see how your swingers handle this one *kicks Geralt*, ya cocky b**tart!"

The count slowly climbed higher. Jaskier was impressed. A human would have been down for the count after a kick or two to the clockweights. This was definitely ballad material!

Yennefer was sitting in the kitchen, enjoying her morning tea, when she heard a pained grunt from outside. That had sounded like Geralt. Yennefer's Dumba** Alarm started beeping. She stood and went to the kitchen window to take a peek outside.

Geralt was slowly standing back up, pausing a few times in a way that suggested something was paining him. Was he hurt? Yennefer breathed a sigh of relief when Geralt finally stood upright. He looked okay now. He was talking to Jaskier, and the bard didn't appear to be worried.

He nodded to something Jaskier said, and as Yennefer watched in shock, Jaskier gripped him by the shoulders and kicked him sharply in the fork.

Yennefer almost dropped her cup. Seconds later she was slamming out the backdoor, and charging across the yard.

"Julian Alfred Pankratz!"

Jaskier gibbered and did a little dancing run, trying to keep away from the angry witch as she chased him around the yard.

Yennefer *chasing his a** down*: "Come here, you little w*nker!"

Jaskier: *running, dodging, yelling*

Jaskier tripped over the garden hose and went down with a startled scream. Yennefer was on him in a flash, pining him face down on the ground with a hand on the back of his neck.

"He ToLd mE tO!" Jaskier's voice was a bit muffled by the grass and dirt his face was being shoved into.

"Bullsh*t," Yennefer snapped, "No one asks to be kicked in the wrinkle berries!"

"He did, Ah swear!" Jaskier, wailed.

Yennefer looked at Geralt for confirmation.

Geralt: *affirmative 'Hmm'*

"Are you f***ing serious?"

Yennefer looked back and forth between Geralt and Jaskier. They both nodded. Well, Geralt nodded. Jaskier just did an awkward wiggle with his head.

*let's Jaskier up* "Why???"

"Hmm. Hm, hmm, hm."

"You 'wanted to see how many times you could get kicked in the nads before you couldn't get back up'?"

Her eyes narrowed as she regarded them both mutely for a few minutes. It was a calculating look that Jaskier had seen before.

The silence was broken as Yennefer asked, "How many are you up to?"

"Er, about six? Seven?" Jaskier said, looking at Geralt

"Seven," Geralt said, not sure if he should feel proud, or very, very afraid.

Jaskier: *grinning at Yennefer*

Yennefer: *grinning at Jaskier*

Geralt: *sweating nervously*

Uh-oh. Chaotic Sibling Mode activated. He should definitely be very, very afraid.

Yennefer made a thoughtful sound, then kicked Geralt right in the balls.

"Eight," Jaskier said happily while Geralt glared at them and uncurled to get back on his feet.

Yennefer *kicking him again*: "Nine!"

Unlucky number thirteen was the kick that finally 'shelled Geralt's nuts' , as Jaskier put it.

Yennefer helped Jaskier get Geralt to his feet, saying "Come on, my brave little dumba** trooper, *pats his a** *, you've definitely earned a popsicle!"

"Two," Jaskier corrected her, "one for each baw".

Geralt 'Hmm'ed' in agreement and let them help him inside.

[fandom-junk-drawer]

The Witcher Headcanon (Modern Au) - Error 404 Brain Not Found: Bonus Scene - Part 11

"Hey, Geralt, isn't that your f***ing bard?" Lambert asked, pointing towards the sidewalk. He and Geralt were on their way back from the hobby store, and were waiting for the light to change.

Geralt scanned the moderately crowed sidewalk. Yep, that was Jaskier! The bard was doing a little window shopping at the jewelery store.

"Yeah, that's him,"

"It's close to lunch time, let's see if he wants to get someting to eat!"

"He'll probably say no," Geralt said.

"Well, then we'll just have to pursuade him!" Lambert replied.

Geralt glanced at the red-haired Witcher.

He grinned at Geralt mischeviously.

Geralt grinned back.

Jaskier looked over the jewlery in the window. There was a really nice ring that had caught his eye, and he also spied a necklace that he knew Yennefer would like. Maybe he would stop on the way home this afternoon and get them.

Jaskier continued on his way, heading to the studio. He paused to check his phone...

The light changed, and Geralt floored it...

As bystanders watched, the rusty old van swerved to the sidewalk. The sliding door whipped open, and a large, red-haired Witcher leapt out and grabbed the poor man who had stopped to check his phone.

The poor man is screaming and flailing as the scary Witcher drags him into the van. Or tries to. The man is certainly putting up a struggle. He is proving to be a bit difficult to hold on to...

Jaskier is putting his phone back in his pocket when hands grab him and start dragging him away. "Motherf***er!" he snarls when he recognizes Lambert, "Let me go!"

"You're coming with us!"

Jaskier, either genuinely unaware of how he sounded or just out of pure pettiness, started screaming, "Nooooo!" and desperately trying to break Lambert's grip.

Lambert finds himself trying to hold on to Jaskier, who is twisting, wiggling, flopping, randomly going dead weight, and making all kinds of noises.

He finally gets an arm around Jaskier's waist and a hand over his mouth just as he starts screaming, "Help!", and half frog-marches, half drags him towards the van.

He's almost there when Jaskier goes dead weight, slips out of Lambert's grasp, and tries to run. Lambert's grabbing the back of his shirt and trying to swing him towards the open van door.

Jaskier grabs a lamp post and is screeching and cussing as Lambert pries him off and drags him backwards towards the van.

Geralt is getting nervous in the van. This is taking way to long, and people are staring, and...sh*t here come the police. F**k.

Jaskier was clinging to the door frame of the van as Lambert tried to yank him inside when the authorities arrived.

Lambert abruptly let Jaskier go to put his hands up as the police surrounded them.

Jaskier fell to the ground with a surpirsed little yelp and was 'rescued' by an officer and put safely in the back of a police cruiser.

They hadn't even given him time to explain before they rushed back to assist in apprehending his kidnappers.

Things were not looking good. He dialed Yennefer's number and then hesitated. Pushing 'call' was practically a death sentence. Yennefer was going to f***ing kill them all in front of the police. They would probably be safer in jail...

Geralt and Lambert were cuffed and laying face down on the sidewalk, frantically trying to explain. The police seemed disinclined to listen due to all the eye-witness testimony.

F**k.

Jaskier swallowed hard and hit 'call'.

"We know him! He's our friend!" Lambert was saying as Yennefer arrived via portal. She was immediately confronted, and not happy about having guns pointed at her

"Don't f***ing point that thing at me! I'll turn the lot of you into toads, the King be d*mned!"

"I'll turn him into a toad as well!"

"Why is my husband on the ground in handcuffs?"

"Of course I know him, you nimrod, I just told you he is my f***ing husband! The other guy? Never seen him before in my life."

Lambert: *gasp of offended betrayal*

Geralt: *hmmm!* (translation: Yen, stop f***ing around!)

"Fine, yes, I know him. He's my brother-in-law, and he's a bigger dumba** than my husband! Now someone with an IQ of more than two digits tell me what's going on!"

"Kidnapping!?"

Yennefer looked at Geralt, Lambert, and Jaskier in turn.

Geralt was suddenly very busy studying an incredibly interesting crack in the sidewalk.

Lambert was pressing his face into the sidewalk so there would be absolutely no chance they could make eye contact.

Jaskier was sitting in the back of the police cruiser. When Yennefer looked at him, he had the audacity or wave.

"You a**clowns! I should just let them take all your a**es to jail!"

"We were just trying to take him to lunch!" Geralt tried to explain.

"By pulling up in a pedo van and snatching him off the street? Really, Geralt?"

"We didn't think he would put up a fight!" Lambert added.

"Shut up, Lambert, the adults are talking!"

"I'm sorry, officers. This is all just a big misunderstanding. The man they were trying to 'kidnap' is my brother-!"

"I thought I was your Darling Husband!" Jaskier interjected from the backseat of the police car.

Yennefer turned and gave him A Look, and a very graphic mental image of what she was going to do to certain parts of his anatomy if he didn't immediately shut the h*ll up.

Jaskier quickly shut his mouth and the car door. For his own safety.

Geralt and Lambert were given a chance to explain themselves, identities and relationships were confirmed, and the detainees were handed over to Yennefer.

The witch glared at them and pointed mutely at the van. They scrambled for it like horror movie victims making a last ditch effort to survive.

They probably weren't going to survive for long, judging by the sounds that began emanating from the van after the witch closed the sliding door behind her.

The police prudently packed up and left.

[fandom-junk-drawer]

The Witcher Headcanon (Modern AU) - Error 404 Brain Not Found Headcanon Master Post

Headcanon

Bonus Scenes:

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

Part 8

Part 9

Part 10

Part 11

Part 12

Part 13

Part 14

Part 15

Part 16

Part 17

Part 18

Part 19

Part 20

Part 21

Part 22

Part 23

Part 24

[fandom-junk-drawer]

The Witcher Headcanon (Modern Au) - Error 404 Brain Not Found: Bonus Scene - Part 17

It had been just the thing to lighten the mood after the big argument that had broken out between Lambert and Coen over Lambert casting Fireball for everything.

"You can't just cast Fireball for everything!" Coen had shouted, frustrated. "You just incinerated a whole f***ing barn!"

"And?" Lambert had sniffed.

"You just burnt all the poor farmer's cows!"

"Look on the bright side, now we have dinner taken care of!"

Coen had thrown his dice at Lambert and Jaskier decided that maybe they needed a break from D&D for a little bit.

"Let's put this on pause for now." Jaskier had suggested, "I've got an idea for a game we can play!" and a few minutes later, they were all standing around in the kitchen with bottles of water and Jaskier was handing out tortillas.

Geralt regarded his tortilla critically as the bard explained the rules. The game sounded so stupid. There wasn't much to it, and it didn't really sound like all that much fun. He was strongly considering just dipping out and finding something else to do.

But then Jaskier, mouth full of water, slapped Coen in the face with his tortilla, and immediately started laughing, spraying water all over Coen. The bald Witcher snorted and spat his water out all over the floor. The Kaer Morons burst into laughter.

Ok, maybe this game was going to be more entertaining than he'd thought. Geralt, throwing caution to the wind, decided to play. The Morons stood in a circle, a bottle was spun to pick the two opponents, and then the rivals faced each other.

Lambert and Geralt were glaring at each other, determined not to laugh. Geralt raised his tortilla and backhanded Lambert with it.

Lambert: *angry mumbling noises*

Geralt: *evil chuckle*

Lambert wound up and slapped Geralt so hard that his tortilla flew apart. They stood glaring at each other, cheeks bulging, making various angry grunts at each other. There was a second of stillness before they were throttling each other, spraying water and insults all over. Coen and Eskel broke up the fight, the round was deemed a draw, and the game continued.

Eskel and Jaskier faced off next. Jaskier was just moving his arm to smack Eskel, when the Witcher stuck his long arm out and gently hit him on the nose, making a soft hooting sound.

*Boop!*

Jaskier spat his water out laughing and cussing,"You b**tart!", while slapping Eskel on the cheek with his tortilla.

Eskel giggled around his mouthful of water, but didn't spit it out. The other Morons cheered, and Eskel moved on to the next round. He was disqualified several rounds later, after it was discovered that he was cheating. The clever b**tard had been only pretending to have water in his mouth.

Aiden had a turn, and took Lambert down with ease, using a lighting quick double slap that had Lambert ejecting his water just so he could swear at him. It was several minutes before everyone could stop laughing and continue the game.

It became hard not to laugh for some reason. It should have been an easy thing. Perhaps it was because everyone was so d*mn serious about the game. Or maybe, it was the copious amounts of soft drinks that had been consumed.

The combination of caffeine and sugar was setting off happy fireworks of dopamine in their brains.

On some rounds, merely facing an opponent was enough to cause one or both to spit out their water. It didn't help when the person you were facing was making all manner of noises and pulling weird faces as they fought not to lose their sh*t.

Like right now. Jaskier was facing off against Geralt, shoulders shaking, and frowning determinedly. He was having a really hard time not laughing. It was extremely difficult with how Geralt was standing there, eyes watering, red-faced, and with his cheeks puffed out. One of his eyes was starting to twitch from the strain.

Jaskier's brain, always seeing things from an imaginative point of view, decided to focus on the way Geralt's lips were puckered.

It nudged Jaskier and whispered "His lips look like a prolapsed ar**hole on a duck!" Jaskier started giggling in short little bursts, trying to keep his mouth shut tight.

Geralt saw the look on Jaskier's face. The pinched up look of a man fighting for his life. The grin was trying to pry his lips apart, causing his mouth to do a complicated wriggle. Geralt couldn't help it. He began making a sound. A loud, humming sound that came out in short bursts that sounded familiar. Jaskier recognized it instantly.

It was a sound he'd heard Geralt make before. The same sound that was always accompanied by the mental image of twinkies, and which still made Jaskier sit up in the middle of the night and laugh his a** off. Water shot out of Jaskier's nose as he snorted, coughed, and then choked out, "F***ing Seal Laugh!"

Geralt stood there making that closed mouth barking sound and pointing at Jaskier. It was clearly a triumphant gesture. Jaskier's arm snapped out and smacked Geralt on the head with his tortilla, and the Witcher spat his water out.

Yennefer returned from getting her nails done, and found the Kaer Morons and Jaskier standing in a circle in the kitchen, taking turns slapping each other in the face with flatbread.

"Why is my kitchen floor soaking wet--and what the ever-loving f**k are you a**wipes doing with my tortillas? Those are for tomorrow! Look at this mess, there's water and piles of crumbs every where!"

Lambert, brain sparking and fizzing with sugar and caffeine, decided it would be a great idea to open his mouth and snap "F**k off, witch! We're busy!"

No one could quite remember how it happened, but the next thing they all knew, they were all on their hands and knees, picking up every last piece of tortilla shrapnel, and thoroughly scrubbing the kitchen floor with toothbrushes.

[fandom-junk-drawer]

The Witcher Headcanon (Modern Au) - Error 404 Brain Not Found: Bonus Scene - Part 14

Geralt and Jaskier shuffled through the back door, arms loaded with bags of sodas. They headed straight for the kitchen and began unpacking.

It was D&D night, so Yennefer might not have thought twice about the large quantity of drinks they were hauling in. But there were two little details that set warning bells off in her head.

1. Geralt had already gone out two days earlier and bought drinks and snacks for their weekly game night. 2. Every single soda in the bags was Sprite. Both Geralt and Jaskier favored colas, and Eskel was the only one of the Witchers that preferred Sprite. What where they doing with all that Sprite?

Something asinine this way comes. Yennefer thought to herself as she eyed the men suspiciously from the kitchen doorway. Jaskier was openly smiling at her, eyes glowing merrily. Geralt was avoiding looking at her all together.

Dumbf**kery was definitely afoot.

"You want to play with us?" Jaskier asked excitedly, "We're going to do The Sprite Challenge!"

"The what--?" Before Yennefer could finish asking her question, Jaskier opened a bottle of soda and downed the whole thing in one go, pausing only to breathe and give the carbonation burn time to fade. Then he stood there expectantly.

Mentally trying to regain her footing, Yennefer glanced at Geralt. The Witcher was watching Jaskier excitedly.

The seconds ticked by.

Feeling as if she was supposed to give some sort of commentary, Yennefer said, "Er, congratulations? You drank an entire bottle of Sprite all--!"

The rest of what Yennefer said was drowned out by the almighty belch that erupted from Jaskier. It was long, loud, and carried the faint scent of lemon-lime. Geralt and Jaskier laughing ecstatically, gave each other a celebratory high-five.

What the h*ll, a girl had to have fun sometimes. Yennefer gave up trying to be the mature one, and joined her two idiots, cheering them on and recording the proceedings.

"Your turn, big guy!" Jaskier announced. Geralt nodded, twisted the top off a Sprite, and chugged it. The liquid swirled in a little tornado as it disapeared down Geralt's throat. There was a moment of silence, before Geralt made a noise like a Skellige fog horn.

Guffaws erupted, and the process was repeated, with time in between for stomachs and bladders to empty. While they waited for the next round, Jaskier and Geralt took turns trying to belch their names and various obscenities.

Geralt and Jaskier: * chug Sprite*

Jaskier: *bear with a bellyache*

Geralt: *Semi truck engine braking*

Jaskier: *sound like someone ripping a***

Geralt: *goose honk*

Jaskier: *sound like a toilet unclogging*

Yennefer decided to give it a try herself. Jaskier and Geralt cheered her on as she downed her soda. Seconds later, she opened her mouth and out came a string of garbled noises that sounded like the syllables of the blackest magic spell ever spoken.

"Holy f**k!" Jaskier laughed, tears streaming down his cheeks.

"Did you just curse someone?" Geralt chortled.

"Was it just me, or did you see snakes come out of her boots and a black cloud swirl around her?"

"Oh, f**k you both!" Yennefer grumbled.

"I'd rather *garbled burp* a nekker!" Jaskier retorted.

"That's not much of an insult, considering you'd f**k anything with a hole in it!"

Jaskier: *affronted gasp*

"Scr*bber!"

"B*llend!"

"M*ngebag!"

"A*semonger!"

Geralt decided to intervene before the tit-for-tat escalated. The Witcher chugged a Sprite, tossed the bottle aside, and assumed the belching position. The distraction worked, and Yennefer and Jaskier forgot about their bantering and waited with bated breath.

Geralt grimaced, and then *dying humpback whale noises*

The three of them immediately lost their sh*t. They howled maniacally, holding their sides and leaning on whatever surface was close by.

Laughing on a belly full of carbonated liquid turned out to be risky business.

Geralt and Jaskier both laughed so hard they spewed.

One minute Yennefer was laughing at the ridiculous noise Geralt had made, and the next, her laughter turned to exclamations of surprised disgust. Puke fountained onto the floor as Geralt and Jaskier chucked whiteys. It rolled and splattered, and Yennefer was just doing her best to get the h*ll out of the way.

The vomiting petered out, turning to dry heaves before stopping. Yennefer helped them to the living room, settling them on the couches, then went back to the kitchen to clean up the mess.

She was not one to use magic for mundane things that she could do herself, but this time, she made an exception. She was not going to clean up this mess by hand. She spelled the kitchen clean with a wave of her hand, then returned to the living room and her two dumba**es.

She knew their stomachs were probably feeling a bit queasy, so she cheerfully offered them something to help.

"Here, have some Sprite, it will settle your stomachs!"

*Symphony of groans*