The Witcher Headcanon (Modern Au) - Error 404 Brain Not Found: Bonus Scene - Part 11
"Hey, Geralt, isn't that your f***ing bard?" Lambert asked, pointing towards the sidewalk. He and Geralt were on their way back from the hobby store, and were waiting for the light to change.
Geralt scanned the moderately crowed sidewalk. Yep, that was Jaskier! The bard was doing a little window shopping at the jewelery store.
"Yeah, that's him,"
"It's close to lunch time, let's see if he wants to get someting to eat!"
"He'll probably say no," Geralt said.
"Well, then we'll just have to pursuade him!" Lambert replied.
Geralt glanced at the red-haired Witcher.
He grinned at Geralt mischeviously.
Geralt grinned back.
Jaskier looked over the jewlery in the window. There was a really nice ring that had caught his eye, and he also spied a necklace that he knew Yennefer would like. Maybe he would stop on the way home this afternoon and get them.
Jaskier continued on his way, heading to the studio. He paused to check his phone...
The light changed, and Geralt floored it...
As bystanders watched, the rusty old van swerved to the sidewalk. The sliding door whipped open, and a large, red-haired Witcher leapt out and grabbed the poor man who had stopped to check his phone.
The poor man is screaming and flailing as the scary Witcher drags him into the van. Or tries to. The man is certainly putting up a struggle. He is proving to be a bit difficult to hold on to...
Jaskier is putting his phone back in his pocket when hands grab him and start dragging him away. "Motherf***er!" he snarls when he recognizes Lambert, "Let me go!"
"You're coming with us!"
Jaskier, either genuinely unaware of how he sounded or just out of pure pettiness, started screaming, "Nooooo!" and desperately trying to break Lambert's grip.
Lambert finds himself trying to hold on to Jaskier, who is twisting, wiggling, flopping, randomly going dead weight, and making all kinds of noises.
He finally gets an arm around Jaskier's waist and a hand over his mouth just as he starts screaming, "Help!", and half frog-marches, half drags him towards the van.
He's almost there when Jaskier goes dead weight, slips out of Lambert's grasp, and tries to run. Lambert's grabbing the back of his shirt and trying to swing him towards the open van door.
Jaskier grabs a lamp post and is screeching and cussing as Lambert pries him off and drags him backwards towards the van.
Geralt is getting nervous in the van. This is taking way to long, and people are staring, and...sh*t here come the police. F**k.
Jaskier was clinging to the door frame of the van as Lambert tried to yank him inside when the authorities arrived.
Lambert abruptly let Jaskier go to put his hands up as the police surrounded them.
Jaskier fell to the ground with a surpirsed little yelp and was 'rescued' by an officer and put safely in the back of a police cruiser.
They hadn't even given him time to explain before they rushed back to assist in apprehending his kidnappers.
Things were not looking good. He dialed Yennefer's number and then hesitated. Pushing 'call' was practically a death sentence. Yennefer was going to f***ing kill them all in front of the police. They would probably be safer in jail...
Geralt and Lambert were cuffed and laying face down on the sidewalk, frantically trying to explain. The police seemed disinclined to listen due to all the eye-witness testimony.
F**k.
Jaskier swallowed hard and hit 'call'.
"We know him! He's our friend!" Lambert was saying as Yennefer arrived via portal. She was immediately confronted, and not happy about having guns pointed at her
"Don't f***ing point that thing at me! I'll turn the lot of you into toads, the King be d*mned!"
"I'll turn him into a toad as well!"
"Why is my husband on the ground in handcuffs?"
"Of course I know him, you nimrod, I just told you he is my f***ing husband! The other guy? Never seen him before in my life."
Lambert: *gasp of offended betrayal*
Geralt: *hmmm!* (translation: Yen, stop f***ing around!)
"Fine, yes, I know him. He's my brother-in-law, and he's a bigger dumba** than my husband! Now someone with an IQ of more than two digits tell me what's going on!"
"Kidnapping!?"
Yennefer looked at Geralt, Lambert, and Jaskier in turn.
Geralt was suddenly very busy studying an incredibly interesting crack in the sidewalk.
Lambert was pressing his face into the sidewalk so there would be absolutely no chance they could make eye contact.
Jaskier was sitting in the back of the police cruiser. When Yennefer looked at him, he had the audacity or wave.
"You a**clowns! I should just let them take all your a**es to jail!"
"We were just trying to take him to lunch!" Geralt tried to explain.
"By pulling up in a pedo van and snatching him off the street? Really, Geralt?"
"We didn't think he would put up a fight!" Lambert added.
"Shut up, Lambert, the adults are talking!"
"I'm sorry, officers. This is all just a big misunderstanding. The man they were trying to 'kidnap' is my brother-!"
"I thought I was your Darling Husband!" Jaskier interjected from the backseat of the police car.
Yennefer turned and gave him A Look, and a very graphic mental image of what she was going to do to certain parts of his anatomy if he didn't immediately shut the h*ll up.
Jaskier quickly shut his mouth and the car door. For his own safety.
Geralt and Lambert were given a chance to explain themselves, identities and relationships were confirmed, and the detainees were handed over to Yennefer.
The witch glared at them and pointed mutely at the van. They scrambled for it like horror movie victims making a last ditch effort to survive.
They probably weren't going to survive for long, judging by the sounds that began emanating from the van after the witch closed the sliding door behind her.
The police prudently packed up and left.
