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Jan 18, 2019

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No one knows you like a best friend.

Of course Molly knew that was true, and it was the reason she knew Jimmy was her best friend. Apart from how much they had in common, how well their personalities fitted together, and how much fun they managed to have together even when they didn’t feel like having fun, Jimmy seemed to know Molly like the back of his hand, and vice versa. When there was something Molly wanted to talk to someone about, it was Jimmy she went to no matter what it was. There was nothing to hide behind when it came to Jimmy, nothing to be shy of. Jimmy didn’t judge, ever. Molly hoped Jimmy felt the same about her, and she was fairly certain he did based on the sort of things he’d come to her about in the past, and based on how open and honest he was with her.

It was the reason that once Molly had closed the door behind Harry at two am on a Monday morning, post-date, honest conversation, and cuddle, Molly went straight to Jimmy. It was the reason Molly didn’t knock on Jimmy’s door, just pushed it open slowly, to find him awake, glasses on, sat up in his bed, reading. It was the reason she wasn’t surprised he was up reading at two am on a Monday morning. And it was the reason Jimmy didn’t even have to ask if it was a bad date, he just had to see her to know, all he had to ask was whether or not she wanted to talk about it pre or post hug.

Molly hadn’t asked Harry to stay that night, and Harry didn’t hint that he wanted to. It seemed to be an unspoken agreement that they would both go to their own beds after the night they’d had. Perhaps it would have been better to have crawled into Molly’s bed together and let sleep heal what was left to fix, but that would only have been ignoring how they both liked to be alone with their heads sometimes, and that was something neither of them could run from. They’d talk the next day, they agreed that much, as Harry stepped out into the night and to the taxi waiting to take him home. There was no tension or uneasiness between them when Harry left, nothing particularly unsaid, it felt resolved. But that didn’t mean it felt like the best thing to do was to spend the night together. It felt like the best way to draw a line under the whole thing, was for Harry to go his own home, get in his own bed, and arrange to see each other after a good night’s sleep.

The thing was, Molly knew she was in the wrong. She’d kept what she’d kept from Harry simply because she expected a bad reaction, but the reaction she got was worse than she’d anticipated, and she knew that came down to the fact she’d chosen not tell him. If she’d just explained calmly what had happened, it would have been different, and sure maybe Harry would have been a little annoyed, but they might have ended up in the same bed at the end of the night. Jimmy didn’t need to tell her that, but he did. It wasn’t exactly an excuse for how Harry had acted, but at the same time Molly found she couldn’t blame him. Molly knew she was to blame, and it felt to her they were both as bad as one another, asking for transparency, but each keeping up a frosted window.

Post hug under his sheets Jimmy told Molly to stop getting into her head about things, let it go with the flow, let it happen. It was the same old thing, Molly overthinking and Jimmy coaxing her gently out of her mind and into the moment. Overthinking what had happened with Ryan had led to keeping it from Harry. Overthinking what had happened with Harry surely couldn’t be a good thing either. It was done, and she had to let it pass and stop going back to it, looking over the words and reading between them for things that weren’t there. Jimmy could see her doing it as she nibbled her bottom lip and scratched at the index finger of her left hand with the opposite one. Jimmy tried to keep her from it, the same way she tried to keep him from impulsive decisions that weren’t at all thought through.

Until Jimmy, Molly had always been a girls girl, always finding the company of other women easier. Perhaps it was because she’d spent most of her early life surrounded mostly by girls, her sister, her cousins, most of her friends. There were very few boys in her life until high school, and even then it was thanks to her relationship with Ryan more than anything. It wasn’t necessary purposeful, it was just the way life fell for Molly. But she couldn’t be more thankful her and Jimmy and stumbled into each others life, because she was sure she didn’t know what she’d do without them, despite the friendship she found in Lauren and Natalie a like. They were both good friends, but they weren’t the same as Jimmy, and that was something Molly often felt a little guilty for, especially when Lauren suggested things like girls night so they could chat about Molly’s date, nearly a week after she’d crawled into Jimmy’s bed and chatted for hours with him about it.

“You two have got to go out tonight,” Lauren started, waving her marmite coated knife between Jimmy and Ben who were sat at the dining table, one eating, one working on notes they hadn’t taken in their recent lecture but managed to nab from the girl they sat next to as they left the hall. Ben looked up from the notepad he was bent over with a creased forehead.

“Why?” Jimmy groaned after swallowing the mouthful of cereal he’d stolen from Molly’s cupboard. The bowls in front of them were identical, little hoops covered in honey and drowning in milk. Jimmy was yet to do a food shop and of course Molly couldn’t say no to letting him have some of the branded cereal she’d treated herself to.

“Cause Molly had a date last week, and me and Nat-”

“Nat and I,” Ben chimed in from the notes he’d turned his attention back to, scrawling over the squared paper emphatically.

“Nat and I,” Lauren corrected with an eye roll, “still haven’t heard all about it,” Lauren grinned, turning her eyes to Molly and picking up her small plate of toast, freshly buttered and covered in marmite, and heading for the table with the rest of them.

“There’s really nothing to tell,” Molly tried not to grumble, keeping her voice neutral as she spoke, and quickly shoved another spoon of cereal into her mouth.

“Oh come off it Mol, your first proper date with Harry, there’s gotta be something to tell,” Lauren snickered eyening Natalie who had obviously started to pay some attention from where she was reclined on the sofa, tying her laces ready to leave for her first lecture of the week.

“Not entirely,” Molly did grumble that time, and Lauren seemed to get the hint with that, clearing her throat before starting again.

“Look, we haven’t had a girly night in ages, if there’s nothing to tell fine, but at least let us use it as an excuse to get them out of the house so we can have it to ourselves for a while,” Lauren bartered, her half eaten slice of toast lingering in her hands, one last bite finishing it off, chewing as she waited for Molly’s response.

“Fine,” Molly sighed, dropping her spoon down and falling back against the chair she was in. There was a gleeful smile on Lauren’s face as she finished up her marmite on toast, but Molly wasn’t feeling as excited as she normally might for girls night. It wasn’t necessarily that she didn’t want to tell Lauren and Natalie how the date had gone, she just didn’t see the point of going through it all over again, just for further confirmation that she was fully in the wrong, and Harry had every right to go off at her the way he had. Just to be told all over again to chill out, take her time, let him take his time, if there were things he was keeping back there was surely a reason and he’d tell her in his own time. Molly knew Jimmy’s advice was right, it so often was, and she didn’t want to seem like she felt entitled to every part of Harry if there were parts he didn’t want to give her. But no part of her could describe how in the dark she often felt when they spoke about themselves, and that was only because she found herself doing all the talking while Harry did all the listening.

“If you don’t want to tell them you don’t have to,” Jimmy whispered, leaning closer to Molly. She fell back into the room with a thud, only noticing Lauren had left the table when Jimmy woke her back up from her head. Molly turned her head a little to look at him, and she nodded with a soft smile. She knew that. But she also knew she’d find herself telling them nonetheless.

“There’s footie on in The Crown tonight,” Natalie piped up, grabbing her rucksack from the chair as she stood and slinging it on her shoulders all in one movement. “If you want something to do,” Natalie shrugged, her cheeks pinking a little as three pairs of eyes moved to her, all just slightly narrowed.

“How on earth do you know what The Crown are showing?” Ben asked. The Crown was far from close, and it was a proper locals pub, not the sort of place any uni student made themselves known in, unless of course they were making themselves known to a local. It didn’t take Molly long for it to click, and a knowing smile walked onto her face just as Natalie’s eyes crossed to her.

“Finally text you then?” Molly teased with a wink. Natalie’s cheeks only reddened more and she made a beeline for the door. “Don’t think I’m the only one under the scope tonight now Nat,” Molly called after her with a smirk on her own face.

It had been weeks since Molly had passed Natalie’s number onto Niall. He’d been slightly tipsy at the rugby social and obviously managed to pluck up the courage to ask at last. Molly checked with Natalie that it was ok and within minutes Niall was saving Natalie’s number in his phone. For a while it had seemed like nothing had come of it, Niall seemingly shrinking back to his shy ways and Natalie being left disappointed. Neither Molly nor Natalie bought it up, Natalie would talk about it if she wanted or ask Molly about it, but she never did, so Molly let it slide, assuming Natalie was doing the same. Obviously Molly had been wrong, and perhaps Niall hadn’t been quite as shy as he’d have others believe.

“Who’s text her?” Ben asked quickly once they heard the front door open and close. Molly just tapped the side of her nose and shook her head, collecting up her bowl and heading for the dishwasher. There was a heap of work on her desk to get through before the boys left, possibly for The Crown, more likely for the Wetherspoons that was a little closer to home and much more suited to the sort of budget they had for a few drinks and a couple of games of pool.

Back in her room, Molly glanced around the place. It had been a busy week of finishing up designs, and her room was a mess for it. The toile’s she’d made had all passed, and been approved with rapturous praise from her lecturer, and the final pieces were stitches from being finished. All that had to happen was for Harry to get into them she could double check everything was exactly as she saw it in her head. After that she’d complete the final alterations and they could take the photos so she could put the finishing touches to her portfolio, that, so far, she was proud of. Possibly the most proud she’d been of a project.

There was something about it that she couldn’t quite put her finger on. It felt like she’d worked a lot harder to achieve the results she had, and it showed already, before the pieces were even completed. But simultaneously it felt like the whole thing had come together a lot easier. Normally by the final stage of a project, Molly was feeling tired, ready for it to be over so she could move onto something else, relax for a minute, but with her current project, she found herself not wanting it to end. The clothes she’d fashioned were some of her favourites, and the complete suit might have even been at the top of the pile of all the things she’d ever made. Molly couldn’t wait to see them on the model, on Harry, and that was only a day away.

Admittedly Molly was a little nervous. And not just because it would be the first time Harry would see the finished designs. It would also be the first time they’d actually seen each other since their ‘date’, though that didn’t exactly feel like the right word anymore. It wasn’t intentional by any means. Both of them had been busy, Molly with finishing up her project, Harry with work on a job out of town that included an hour commute morning and evening. They spoke everyday and it felt normal, natural. It actually felt quite nice, and like even though they were both on the verge of pulling their hair out with how much they had to do, they were making time for one another and taking a moment to find the calm they both revelled in, in one another. It wasn’t as if they were pretending their argument had never happened, but by the same token they weren’t letting it drag them down.

Still Molly was nervous, in a similar way to how she felt ahead of their date. An excited anticipation she was taking deep breaths every so often to deal with. If she wasn’t so busy, and her mind so often occupied with other things, she knew she’d be a mess. But as she glanced over the suit jacket hanging on the mannequin in the corner of her room, knowing in twenty four hours Harry would be wearing it, it was hard to ignore the bubbling fizz of nearly anxiety in her tummy.

Instead of dwelling on it, knowing there was no point, no matter how much her mind tried to tug her back to thinking about seeing Harry tomorrow, and showing him her creations, Molly set about tidying up her room a bit. There was half an essay on her laptop that needed finishing before Monday, and she wanted to take some photos of the suit on her mannequin before tomorrow so her portfolio was as up to date as possible. Mentally she made a list of what she wanted to do before her ‘girly night’ later, and focused on that, as she tidied up the papers and piles of fabric around the place, rather than the tickle in her limbs.

In her occupied state, Molly lost track of time, and it didn’t feel like any time at all had passed when Jimmy popped his head around her bedroom door to say goodbye and wish her a nice evening, though looking at the clock, and glancing out the window to the setting sun, Molly realised it was late in the day. She was in the swing of editing a couple of photos for her her portfolio when Lauren waltzed into her room, cosy pyjamas and fluffy socks on, hair pinned back and make up removed, minutes after Molly had heard the front door close behind the boys.

“I’m gonna order the pizzas, gonna get into your best pyjamas and bring your duvet?” Lauren asked gleefully, leaning onto Molly’s desk. Molly was still heavily concentrated on her images, eyes squinted through her glasses at the finer details of the photos.

“Yeah,” Molly croaked, clicking away on the track pad. “Just give me two seconds,” She said distractedly, not even glancing up at Lauren. “Let me print these and I’ll be with you,” Molly bargained and Lauren seemed to accept it, heading out of Molly’s room in the same high spirits she’d come in on.

Once the printer had whirred to life and was busy printing out the images Molly had taken and edited, just slightly, of her pieces, pre-final stitching, Molly got up out of her seat and stretched her limbs. There was a pair of clean pyjamas on the shelf in her wardrobe which she grabbed and threw onto the roughly made bed before beginning to take off the comfy clothes she’d stayed in all day. Honestly she’d have rather showered again before pulling on clean clothes, not that she was exactly dirty, it wasn’t like she’d exactly done a lot since her morning shower, but stepping away from the screen for the first time in hours, Molly felt groggy in a way that only a steaming shower could fix. As it was Molly just sighed and pulled her pyjama top on.

“Mol.” Molly turned to Natalie’s quiet voice, creeping around her door. “Can I ask a favour?” Natalie asked, stepping into the room and quietly closing the door.

“Sure,” Molly smiled, grabbing her pyjama bottoms before taking a seat in the space they’d left, pulling them up her legs and glancing up at Natalie still with a smile on her face. Natalie had her fingers held in one another, toying with them and staring down at them as she stood on the edge of Molly’s room. The way Natalie was holding herself wiped the smile off Molly’s face and made her sit up a little straighter. “What’s up?” Molly asked, a tone of concern swallowing her voice.

“Can you not say anything about Niall?” Natalie started, her words rushing out of her. “I don’t mind you knowing, but I don’t want everyone knowing, well we don’t,” Natalie explained quickly, eyes finding Molly at last.

“Of course, I won’t say anything, it’s fine,” Molly nodded, offering what she hoped was a comforting and reassuring smile.

“We’ve only been on a couple of dates and stuff, and we really like one another, but y’know what it’s like when everyone knows,” Natalie offered stepping closer, and although she didn’t want everyone knowing, Molly felt like maybe there was a part of Natalie that wanted to talk about something.

“Sure, I get it, take it slow,” Molly nodded, pulling her legs up crossed and staring up at Natalie. “But you like him?” Molly asked knowingly.

“A lot,” Natalie laughed.

“That’s cute,” Molly grinned getting to her feet and adjusting her clothes a little. “But I won’t tell a soul, it’s between you, me and the walls,” Molly promised.

“Thanks Mol.” Natalie seemed more relaxed now as Molly found her softest jumper to pull on as well as the pyjamas she was wearing. “Niall mentioned yours and Harry’s date didn’t go exactly as planned though,” Natalie started up again and there was a shyness back in her tone as she did so, clearly not sure if she was being presumptuous.

“Niall knows?” Molly asked, snapping up, a little stunned.

“I guess Harry spoke to him about it,” Natalie offered with a shrug like it was no big deal. And normally it wouldn’t be. Of course Harry had spoken to his best friend about relationship issues. But this was Harry, and Harry wasn’t the opening up about his problems type. Harry was an enigma, so much so that Molly couldn’t even confidently assume Niall was even who he classed as his closest friend. “I was just gonna say, we know what Lauren’s like, if you don’t want to go into the details don’t feel pressured to,” Natalie offered with a lopsided sort of smile-like twitch.

“Thanks Nat, to be honest, think I could do with the advise at this point though,” Molly mused with a sigh. Molly wasn’t entirely sure what to think. It wasn’t that she had a problem with the idea of Harry opening up to Niall about their argument, Molly had gone to Jimmy about it, and she wasn’t a hypocrite. But their argument had been about the fact Harry didn’t seem to want to open up about how he was feeling about things, and she couldn’t help but feel a little hurt that maybe she was the only he was like that with.

“Are you two coming or what?” Lauren’s loud call snapped Natalie and Molly to attention, and they both just offered each other a soft smile before heading out of Molly’s room, Molly with a thick blanket wrapped around her shoulders like a cape. “That’s not your duvet,” Lauren pointed out from where she was already sat on the floor, sat on her thick downy duvet.

“I changed the covers yesterday Loz, I really don’t want it all over the floor,” Molly told Lauren, draping her blanket out next to her and taking a seat. “Ben was eating chilli sensations in here earlier, and I’m not sure he actually ate all of them.” Lauren grimaced at the floor with that information, but was quickly distracted by Natalie dragging her duvet into the living room to join the others. It was how they’d always done girls night, even before they were living together. Only before they’d cramped into one of their dorm rooms, squeezed onto a single bed and tried to pretend they couldn’t hear all the goings on of the rest of the flat through the thin walls. Nowadays it was a slightly more sophisticated affair, so long as they could get rid of the boys they shared their house with. It was only fair, they gave up the living room weekly for Fifa tournaments and the like.

The three of them made themselves comfortable around one another and the coffee table where there were three glasses of wine and a big bowl of cheesy Doritos - the collective favourite. Chat bubbled up and it began to feel like they were catching up after some time apart. In reality they were just busy working towards deadlines and trying not to get bogged down with too much work. Molly couldn’t remember when she’d had a proper chat that wasn’t fleeting over a tea being made, or a quick dinner being stuffed down at the table for some screen free time. It was the time of year, it was always the same, so it felt nice to completely switch off from university for a little while and have some social time.

The only thing that took them out of their conversations filled with giggles more than anything serious, was the doorbell. Lauren hopped up to fetch it, returning with two large boxes of pizza and a tub of ice cream which she squeezed into their small freezer. They each shuffled closer to their side of the coffee table and began to delve into it. Conversation continued between mouthfuls, none of them missing an opportunity to talk about anything that took their fancy.

“So are you gonna tell us about the date or…?” Lauren asked once she’d finished a mouthful of pizza. It had been lingering around them. Lauren had made it perfectly clear she wanted to ask the question around the breakfast table, and it had been the elephant in the room ever since they’d sat down with their blankets and duvets, and Molly had been nervously waiting for it to come up. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to tell Lauren and Natalie what had happened exactly, and it wasn’t that she’d lied when she’d told Natalie she could do with advice, it was just she didn’t really know what to say, and she knew how what she could say sounded.

“The date was good,” Molly started, taking another bite of her pizza. It wasn’t a lie by any stretch of the imagination, from the moment Harry had picked her up, until she went to the bathroom had been amazing, wonderful, everything a good date should be. It was just after that felt like hell, in the moment, and later whenever Molly remembered how they’d talked to one another and the words they’d let themselves say.

“So what wasn’t?” Lauren asked with a hint of a laugh. One of those awkward, expectant laughs that came with darting eyes around the room.

“We argued,” Molly sighed, dusting her hands free of pizza crumbs and putting the unfinished slice back on the lid of the box they were sharing as a plate. There was no getting away from it, nowhere to run and hide, so Molly decided to just hold her hands up and come clean, pray the advice she got was what she actually needed to hear rather than what she wanted to hear, that it did sound like Harry was keeping something back, rather than that she was being daft, that she should trust her gut instinct, because her heart wasn’t always right. It had failed her before, and it could do the same again.

“Why?” Lauren asked. Molly explained what had happened, how it had happened, how she’d decided not to tell Harry about Ryan coming back, how he’d seen the text from Ryan that Molly had never replied, how she’d broken her promise to get into a taxi. And that’s where she left it. At least for the time being. “So he didn’t take it well then?” Lauren went on with a sigh, sinking a little and pouting her bottom lip.

“No, not at all,” Molly admitted, licking her lips and dropping her gaze. “It’s my fault, I know that I’m not stupid, I should have told him about it all.”

“You’re not wrong,” Lauren laughed, Molly flicking her eyes up to her. “What? I’m not gonna stick up for you just because you’re my friend, I did tell you to tell him, of course he’s pissed off, I’d be pissed off, you’d be pissed off if it was the other way round,” Lauren pointed out, and all Molly could find she could do was nod. She knew it was true, how she’d felt seeing him sat next to another woman after Christmas illustrated that just fine. There was no way Molly could pretend she wouldn’t be upset if she found out Harry had taken his ex home, and particularly if he’d tried to hide it from her. It didn’t exactly look good.

“So I take it you didn’t spend the night together?” Natalie piped up, leaning forward on the table next to Molly and twisting her neck to look at her ginger friend.

“No,” Molly told Natalie quietly, “He came here for a bit, and we talked, but he left,” Molly explained.

“How did the talking go?” Lauren asked. They were all talking softly, not like they were keeping their voices down in case anyone overheard them, more as if they were being gentle, tiptoeing around panels of shattered glass. Molly kind of hated it, she hated feeling like she was being wrapped in cotton wool. People had always done it, taken a look at her pale skin and freckled cheeks, her blue eyes and red hair, her small stature and delicate nature, and treated her like a china doll. It was part of why she liked work so much. There she was just one of the girls, and no one treated her any different, no one told her to be careful, or tried to do things for her, or got in the way of her just doing her job.

“Fine,” Molly shrugged.

“Molly what’s up?” Natalie asked, and Molly could hear the frown in her tone. Molly just shook her head, brushing it off. “Molly, come on, what’s going on?” Natalie asked again, so Molly swallowed and chewed the inside of her lip harder than the silence that pushed through them and chewed at her resilience not to say anything, to keep it inside, between her and her head. But she couldn’t, and she didn’t really want to anyway.

“There is just something, I don’t know what it is, and I don’t know why, but there is something that is telling me there is far more to him than he will ever let on, and there is something he is keeping from me,” Molly admitted, and the words spilled from her like water from a tumbled glass, all at once and too fast for anyone to do anything about it.

“Like what?” Lauren asked.

“I really have no idea, literally, and I don’t even know why I feel like it, cause when I’m with him I’m happy, for the most part,” Molly added, because obviously, clearly, there had been time when neither of them were happy, and Lauren nodded understanding. “He makes me feel good, we have fun, we get on really well, like I can’t figure it out, at all, but my head is telling me to be careful and I don’t know why, it’s driving me mad,” Molly finished with a deep sigh and a little growl of frustration. Part of her had hoped getting it out in the open would make it clearer, but it seemed to make no difference at all.

“Since when do you listen to your head over your heart?” Natalie laughed from beside her.

“Because last time I didn’t listen to my head I ended up feeling guilty for ending a relationship that I knew was already dead,” Molly pointed out. “This is different anyway, this isn’t a head or heart thing, this is just gut instinct,” Molly explained.

“Has it been there since the beginning?” Natalie questioned.

“Not really, I noticed it first when we were at my parents, there was just something I felt like he was avoiding, and then ever since I seem to be noticing it more,” Molly admitted a little downheartedly. “I don’t want to feel like this cause I really like him and enjoy being with him and I know I’m proper falling for him, but what if-”

“No, stop, don’t do that,” Lauren cut in sharply. “There is no point asking what if, because what if what? He’s still this person you really like being with, he’s still Harry, whatever it is, if it even is anything, it’s not going to change that,” Lauren all but promised. “If he makes you happy, if you feel good being with him, that’s all that matters, unless that changes, you don’t need to worry about it.” Molly took a quietly deep breath, taking in Lauren’s words and letting them sink in, letting them get to work on her doubts and fears. “Either that, or you ask him, straight up, what he’s hiding from you,” Lauren told her and Molly felt a fear inside her spark off.

Honestly, there was no part of her that wanted to ask Harry for the truth. She was scared of it, and the rooms around them always continued to fill with conversations they should have been, but never were, having. It wasn’t Harry’s fault. It wasn’t her fault. It wasn’t really anyone’s fault, it was just the way it was. It felt like the more Molly got know Harry, the more she saw the recesses of his mind, heart and soul, the more distanced she felt from him. The more she got to know him, the more she began to realise she was so far from him, the more she had to open up to the fact that he was a boy afraid of who he was, afraid of being a monster, wondering if everyone else was afraid of that too. Constantly looking at Molly and wondering if she had those same capabilities and always realising she didn’t. But of course she did, everyone had that part inside of them, those dark parts they could never fill with light, everyone, somewhere deep down. He was strong, but more than that he was determined to always look strong, adamant he couldn’t, wouldn’t, show weakness. Always holding himself like he was a secret, and the guardian of it all at once.

How she was ever meant to ask someone that wrapped up in themselves, in their own heads, in their own fight to not look weak, for a truth she could see he was scared of owning up to, Molly didn’t know. And so she just nodded at Lauren, and pretended like she really thought it was as simple as that.

The three of them finished the pizza’s and moved onto the ice cream without really even thinking. As Natalie was serving the tub into three bowls, Molly and Lauren perused Netflix for a move to stick on until the boys got home. They’d done their gossiping, chatting and laughing, and they were ready to snuggle into the duvets and blankets with some proper comfort food and lose themselves in an easygoing movie they’d seen a hundred times and didn’t really have to think about.

Normally that would have been a good thing. In Molly’s current mindset though it was terrible. Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging played, and Molly was too lost in her own head to even laugh when Georgia waddled along the seafront dressed as an Olive. Lauren didn’t seem to notice, but every now and again Natalie would give Molly a little nudge and a friendly smile, pulling her back into the room for a few seconds.

Continuously, Molly found herself falling into her mind, tripping and stumbling over the obstacles cluttering it up, keeping her from the film, and the time with her friends. It wasn’t even the fact that she practically new the movie word for word, it wouldn’t matter if she was watching it for the first time. Molly was so entangled in her thoughts, that it was almost a certainty nothing would have been able to keep her away from them. Any concentration available to her was stolen by going over the same thoughts again, and again, as if she might ever come to a different outcome. She never did.

There was no getting away from the fact that the more she let Harry into herself, the more locked out of him she felt. She doubted it was intentional, it didn’t feel like he was purposefully putting up defences. In fact it felt almost subliminal, like he didn’t really know he was doing it until Molly pointed it out to him, like it was built into him, learned the same way as treading water when it got too deep, or being cautious of fire. However, when Molly did point it out, he seemed to run from it harder, like the fire got hotter or the ocean deeper. When she asked for him to come closer, he took a step back, and Molly didn’t know how to get over that, because the only thing she wanted was for him to keep coming closer, and she didn’t know if his retreat was as intrinsic as the initial reaction.

It was a buzz from Molly’s phone that woke her back up to the room, and the movie. They were over half way through, and Molly wasn’t really sure how that had happened, or how she’d managed to get so lost in her head for so long.

“Phone’s are banned from girls night,” Lauren grumbled from beside Molly, but Molly ignored her reaching into the pocket of her hoodie for the phone.

“I’d like to remind you that last girls night, you sat there for the whole of Mean Girls texting your flavour of the week,” Natalie piped up, snarkily. Lauren just huffed, but Molly wasn’t really paying attention to the interaction, more invested in the screen, trying to pick her heart back up from her stomach, and get rid of the lump in her throat that had appeared almost before she’d even got to the end of the message.

Hey you, hope you’re having a good night with the girls? I’m really sorry but somethings come up and I can’t do tomorrow. I’ll call you first thing tomorrow and sort something out. Really sorry x

The little love heart emoji Harry put before the kiss, and the sad face, didn’t make it feel any better. Nothing made it feel any better. Nothing made being let down at the last minute by someone Molly cared about so much, and by someone who she found herself wanting to spend all her free time with, feel ok. It felt shit. It felt like she wanted to cry, and she chewed angrily at her bottom lip to stop it from wobbling. It might have been ok if hadn’t felt like he’d been avoiding her all day. If he hadn’t cut off her call, telling her he was busy and would call back later, if he’d replied to even one of Molly’s texts about plans for the following day, of if she could call him when she was in bed because they were having a girly night. He’d obviously seen them, he’d referenced them, but hadn’t bothered to reply. And consequently it felt like he’d known for a little longer than just under twelve hours before they were meant to see one another. And consequently it felt like he’d just changed his mind about the whole thing. And consequently Molly felt like she’d been put back in the dark corner she’d wondered if she might be beginning to find her way out of.

“What’s up?” Lauren asked, breaking Molly’s vicious circle of thoughts that tended to make her feel like she was drowning. They were overwhelmingly oppressive, and there seemed to be no escape. One thing ran right into the other, and Harry’s text only made that worse. She’d run out of contemplating how to tell him how she was feeling, into wondering how she was meant to get close to someone who appeared to be shutting her out every time she got nearer.

“Harry,” Molly smiled, pressing her phone to life again as the back light ran out of time and the screen went dark, eyes scanning over the words. There was a question mark, does he actually want a reply? Molly wondered. What does he expect me to say? Molly didn’t know what to say, because she didn’t know how to feel. She didn’t know if she was overreacting. But it felt the same as when they’d come back from her parents and he’d cut her out. It felt like getting to the last hurdle, only to find it was a ten metre brick wall and Molly had no way to get over it.

“What’s he saying?” Lauren giggled nudging her elbow, obviously expecting Molly to tell her something sweet, something cute, Harry looking for Molly’s attention after an evening without it. It was immediately clear though that, that was not the case, when Molly huffed an attempt at a laugh, curling her lips too falsely and blinking quickly as she bit her jaw together tightly. “Mol?” Lauren asked again.

“Cancelling our plans for tomorrow,” Molly grumbled locking her phone, and, almost literally, throwing it across the room. It landed just shy of her feet knocking against the floor with the force of her throw.

“Aren’t you meant to be going over your designs tomorrow?” Natalie asked from the other side of Molly, everyone now as distracted from the film as Molly had been before the text came in.

“Meant to be doing the final fitting,” Molly corrected, leaning her head back on the sofa and staring up at the dark ceiling. The film was still playing, but it didn’t do much for the light. The room was dark, and Molly was glad for that, because there were the beginnings of tears pricking her eyes and she’d rather no one saw that.

“That’s not ok,” Natalie pointed out sternly.

“Nat!” Lauren scalded.

“Well it’s not, just cause she’s seeing him doesn’t make it ok to cancel those sort of plans last minute, it’s not like it’s just coffee and cake is it?” Natalie pointed out, and Molly knew she was right, but only because of previous experience she wasn’t sure it made much difference. Harry cancelling any plans seemed to hold a deeper gravity than it might with anyone else. He wasn’t one to cancel, and normally he seemed as eager to spend time with Molly as she was him. He’d offered to pay her wages to keep her home with him rather than her go to work, she knew he liked spending time with her. So when he suddenly cancelled out of the blue and out of character, Molly felt confident in assuming he was having doubts, getting in his head again. And that made her feel sick. But instead of voicing that, she just sighed and shook her head.

“It isn’t fair, but what am I meant to do? He’s said something’s come up and he’ll call tomorrow to sort something out,” Molly informed them, staring at her phone, begging it to go off again, begging another text from Harry to say he’d gotten it wrong, managed to work something out so Molly could still turn up at his flat with the clothes for him, and have him try them on all afternoon before they ordered take out and sat on his couch with a movie and popcorn.

“You should go round there,” Lauren piped up, and Molly’s head spun fast enough to move air.

“What?” Natalie chuckled from behind Molly, clearly a little in disbelief at Lauren’s idea.

“You should go round there, just pay a visit,” Lauren shrugged like it was the most obvious suggestion. Based on the huff that came from Natalie, and the stunned silence from Molly, neither of them agreed. “You can look at me like that all you like, but if something big enough has come up, he won’t just be sat at home will he?”

“I don’t know, he hasn’t said what it is,” Molly pointed out, a little shrilly. “He said he’s going to be busy, so whether that’s at home or elsewhere, it means he can’t do what we were meant to be doing, so that’s it,” Molly told Lauren drawing a line under it with a swipe of her hand.

“Well I’d go round there and see what he’s up to,” Lauren shrugged, turning back to the movie that was in its final throes.

“Good for you, I wouldn’t,” Molly retaliated, staring into the side of Lauren’s face. “He’s told me he’s busy, and he’s told me he’s going to call, no it’s not ideal, but I trust he wouldn’t cancel without good reason,” Molly said, almost trying to convince herself as much as she was Lauren or Natalie.

“Really? Do you?” Lauren smirked, looking to Molly out of the side of her eyes. Molly didn’t say anything just pursed her lips, and stared back at Lauren as she twisted her head to Molly. “I didn’t think so either,” Lauren chuckled darkly.

“You’re being a bitch,” Molly grumbled.

“Sorry, but you’re making excuses for him, again, just like you did when you got back from your parents and he ignored you for like a week,” Lauren pointed out and Molly sat back a little, not quite expecting that to be fired at her, at least not by Lauren, not quite sure how Lauren even knew. “Yes, Jimmy tells me things when he’s worried about you, and he’s worried you’re being walked over again, only this time you’re so blinded by how pretty and nice he is that you won’t admit it,” Lauren snarked. “You would never have let Ryan get away with this, you argued for like an hour with him when he cancelled a week before he was coming down just for a regular visit and a night out, which he ended up coming down for anyway, this guy ghosts you for a week, cancels your final fitting, and yet you still smile sweetly and tell us it’s not a big deal, what’s different?” Lauren quizzed.

“You don’t know anything about him Lauren,” Molly hissed moving to stand up.

“Sounds like you don’t either,” Lauren grumbled sitting further back against the sofa. “Maybe if you just faced up to it, go round there and ask him what the fucks going on, you wouldn’t be sat here on girls night losing your mind about it one second, and then excusing him for it the next,” Lauren told Molly as she got to her feet.

“I’ll tell you what Loz, when you manage to hold onto a guy long enough to know anything apart from his name and and how good he is in bed you can give me advice, until then I’ll pass,” Molly sneered down at Lauren from her new height advantage.

“Mol-”

“No it’s ok,” Lauren interjected with a sickly sweet voice, stopping Natalie from mediating the conversation at all. “If Molly thinks holding down a shoddy four year relationship, and managing to pick up a guy two weeks later who ghosts her every time she gets close to him gives her the upper hand, let her believe it, but she can find someone else to pick up the pieces when it turns to shit again,” Lauren smiled up at Molly sarcastically.

“Sorry to burst your bubble, but taking me out for drinks isn’t picking up the pieces,” Molly hit back as Lauren got to her feet. There was an audible sigh from Natalie as she got to her feet to join them, hands on her hips, standing back a little. “I thought you’d have realised that after how many times we’ve had to do it for you,” Molly continued.

“You’re being out of ord-”

“You’re slagging off a guy you know nothing about,” Molly cut in before Lauren could finish.

“And you’re taking it personally,” Lauren laughed sarcastically.

“Because I care about him Loz, for all his faults and the stupid things he sometimes does, I care about him, and I don’t want to see him hurt,” Molly admitted her voice quieting with each admission. “He’s been through a lot of shit and he doesn’t need me being clingy and unreasonable,” Molly told Lauren.

“It’s not unreasonable to expect someone not to cancel plans the night before, and it’s not unreasonable to ask someone what’s going on when you’ve got feelings like you have, and when he’s saying he feels like he does, and personally I don’t think it’s unreasonable to turn up at his flat tomorrow and see what’s going on, he’s turned up here enough times unannounced,” Lauren told Molly, both of them quieter, Natalie sunk back further, falling into the chair as the both pulled themselves back from the knives they’d been throwing. “Maybe that’s just me, and maybe we’d both hate to admit but we’re more similar than we realise, it’s why we argue so hard,” Lauren smirked, making Molly chuckle. “No one wants to see you hurt Mol, it’s your decision, but you can’t keep making excuses for him out loud when in your head it’s not the same.”

“I’m just terrified,” Molly sighed, realising that perhaps it wasn’t only Lauren she had more in common with than she first anticipated.

I have absolutely no idea how I feel about this one, but hopefully you guys will have an idea so let me know if you do 😂😂😂

I hope you enjoy it nonetheless and can’t wait to hear some of your thoughts and theories. Have a great weekend. Love u <3

#dive #harry styles #harry styles fan fic #1dff #hsfanfic #harry au #harry styles au #harry fluff #harry angst #EUGGGHHH #kinda hate this one #but hope you like it #let me know #thoughts please

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